A Defining Moment

I believe that in everyone's life, there are defining moments; choices you make in your life when a fork in the road is reached that carve your character for better or worse. For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about my life's defining moments lately, and one in particular that I felt compelled to write about.

Graduating from high school and starting BYU when I was 17 was quite a strenuous adjustment for me, as it is for most people. These are the circumstances in my life that lead to a sort of "perfect storm" that changed the course of my life forever.

I felt defined as the girl who was smart and didn't feel like I had much else that I excelled at, so when I started at BYU on a tuition scholarship and lost it after the first semester, it really turned my identity upside down. The competition at BYU was incredibly stiff and I no longer found myself at the head of the pack in spite of my hard work. Secondly, I had started dating Robert in high school and we had both begun college at BYU, but he subsequently left to a 6 month study abroad in Jerusalem, and then a 2 year mission for the LDS church. He was my life. I was absolutely consumed by him and when he left, I felt like it was similar to a death which lead to depression which I was completely out of touch with. Everyday I physically hurt from missing him so much. I didn't want friends, I felt no one understood my deep feelings for Robert, I was studying intensely and not doing particularly well, I was incredibly overwhelmed with my classes, and then the panic attacks started. When I think back, it was so surreal that I was going through all of this and failed to recognize the impact it was having on me emotionally and physically. I must add at this point in the story that yes, I do know that my reaction to Robert leaving was out of control, but that's sort of the point--I didn't know how to appropriately deal with his leaving which led to my downward spiral. I remember sitting in the doctor's office and him asking me, "What's going on in your life that is resulting in depression and anxiety?" And I was completely taken aback because I was unaware that I was experiencing anxiety and depression and had no idea what would cause it! I was not sleeping AT ALL for weeks, I had severe chest pains, felt a little out of touch with reality, racing heart, felt like death was imminent, had to leave the testing room a couple of times in the middle of a test simply because I couldn't handle the anxiety of being in that room one more minute. It all culminated in me leaving school in the middle of the night and going home. I dropped out of school in the middle of the semester resulting in UW's in every class which count as F's on my GPA. This was my fork in the road. I knew that I could NOT live the rest of my life not having the coping mechanisms to deal with life's hardships. I did not like myself and I was tired of being miserable, but what should I do? In spite of very supportive parents, I instinctively felt this was something I had to do on my own.

Getting failing grades turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me because guess what? Life went on. I realized I could be other things besides "the smart girl" and that I could be happy without excelling academically; it no longer defined me. It was incredibly freeing. I felt I could make a fresh start and begin building the person I really wanted to be. I then signed up for a controversial group called "Impact Training." It was basically an intensive introspective journey that broke you down emotionally, allowing you to face your baggage with new eyes and then create what you really wanted for your life. The LDS church came out against this program for some very valid reasons, but it was immensely helpful to me because for the first time in my life I asked the question, "What do I want?" It was such a novel thought to me and brought so much power and happiness back into my life. I was the captain of my ship and I could decide to change certain things about myself that I didn't like instead of being a slave to my inborn nature. This is really what free agency is about; not just being able to choose what to wear, what to eat, etc., but ACTING in your life, not just being acted upon. I started seeing my life as an exciting novel that I could write a page in every day and found it invigorating to have the power to make it read exactly how I determined it should. I felt powerful for the first time in my life! I sought help in gaining better coping mechanisms for my anxiety, I attempted to change my outlook from a pessimist to more of an optimist (which is still a work in progress), and I have never worn a watch since then as a symbol that I don't want my life to be all planned out; I want to be able to live more in the moment. I also changed my major a couple of times, finally settling on Sociology which I absolutely LOVED and thrived on. I feel that taking advantage of this "failure" is part of the reason I am so happy and fulfilled today.

I am so thankful that I took the road I did because it has made all the difference in the world! There are many other defining moments that have shaped me, some where I made the best choice, and some in which I didn't, but this is the one I wanted to share. Thank you for listening--


The Road Not Taken
by: Robert Frost


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.