Modesty--What's Your Policy?

Modesty.  I am very modest, and generally appreciate modesty in others although I accept the fact that everyone has different standards of modesty that may or may not mirror my own.  Although I do not wear short skirts, or low cut shirts, I see no problem with wearing fitted clothing whether it has an ill effect on men or not.  My view is that there are many men that are just simply "pervs" and would still find a way to be turned on by a woman even if she was adorned in a potato sack.  I don't feel it is my responsibility to "bundle up" because of mens' weaknesses.  Another thing that really bothers me about the topic of modesty, is the way in which it is usually addressed in our church.  Here is a portion of a blog I was reading recently that made me reflect on my own qualms with modesty.

While attending a 5th Sunday meeting, this blogger refers to a message being given by her stake president, "When he spoke about modesty, he said, “We need to do better. In every ward I visit, there is always some corner of the congregation where the brethren on the stand cannot look.  And, this is not the young women – these are the adult women!”

She continues, "I was bothered by the whole talk, but I was extremely troubled with this statement. It made it clear to me, in a way I hadn’t fully understood before, that modesty is less about morality than it is about women being asked to dress for the comfort of men. I don’t imagine the brethren on the stand give a second thought to whether the cut of their suits or the way their trousers hang will arouse any of the sisters. I am asked to dress up to go church and simultaneously expected to be hyper vigilant about whether my choice of clothing might make a man that is not my husband uncomfortable and always aware that my body is a public commodity. Given that we put women in the church up on a pedestal and expect them to be receptive and sensitive to the male gaze and then ask them to be simultaneously in the world, but not of the world, all while seeking perfection – is it really so surprising that Utah is the plastic surgery capital of the United States?"

It has always concerned me that when the subject of modesty is addressed, that the blame is almost always placed on girls and women, as if men are simply slaves to their basic instincts, similar to animals.  If this is the standard we are setting, this is the standard they will strive for.  I want to scream, "WHY DO YOU THINK WOMEN WANT TO DRESS IMMODESTLY?!  BECAUSE MEN LIKE IT!" THEY are the ones sending the message that immodest dress is appealing.  It makes me think that there are some leaders that have just thrown in the towel and accepted the fact that men have no self-control, and therefore women must be extra careful so as to not tempt a man's small, inferior, perverted pea brain.  What kind of message does it send to the young men of our church if they see that the young women are cautioned to not tempt them with their dress, but nothing is ever said to the young men about controlling their thoughts?  It sends the message that the girls hold the responsibility for whatever happens between a boy and girl if she is dressed immodestly.  

I indeed DO think there is a problem with immodesty in society, but think that both genders hold responsibility and should therefore BOTH be expected to exhibit self-control.  This is what I intend to teach my sons and daughters.

The Maddie Chronicles (written by Robert)

Robert keeps a family journal of all our adventures over the years.  I stumbled across these entries from

February-May 2002 and found them quite entertaining and amusing.  It seems just like yesterday . . .

The Maddie Chronicles

A. Approximately forty-five minutes south of Seaside, OR on the coast is Tillamook, home of the famous dairy products (cheese and ice-creams). It was a Saturday in February. After several weeks of bad weather and isolated weekends, we decided to take a family trip. We did all the usual preparations and then loaded everyone into the minivan. The Oregon coast was beautiful; dense green foliage and sharp evergreen-laden mountain cliffs arrayed the roads on every winding curve. Two-thirds of the way there and several snack bribes later we saw a very pale Madison looking up at us with her half opened glossed over eyes. Out of no where we suddenly hear what has become known as the ‘Sonic Belch’–an explosive boom from the very pits of Hell!  Astonished that such an earth-shattering noise could come out of such a small body, we turned around to witness our little Madison vomiting uncontrollably all over herself, her car sea,t and the car. Over and over the putrid stench permeated the car. We pulled over, emptied a box of wipes in the clean-up process and assessed the damage. Thinking we were almost there and confident that the worst was behind us, I made the executive decision to press on! Mere minutes later, the flood gates re-opened. The pathetic melancholy of her face screamed, “this trip is over”!  We cleaned up again, turned around and slowly made our trip home. As we were approaching the house and contemplating that this trip could not have been worse, we hear Christian from the back of the car exclaim, “I don’t feel very good”. “Yes you do!” Sandra and I both yelled in unison!  But it was too late as we pulled into our driveway and Christian added his contribution to our car upholstery. Unbelievable! And thus concluded yet another successful Flynn weekend together as a family.  Good times.


B. I wear disposable contact lenses and every night I would remove my contacts, wash them and store them in a contact lens case to let my eyes rest. One morning, I was getting ready for work and proceeded to put my contacts in. However, the moment the lens touched my eye, an unquenchable burning pain shot through my eye and radiated outward like an atomic explosion. The vexing sting was so intense that all surrounding facial muscles were simultaneously contracting shut so as to prohibit me from retrieving the lens. After prying open my eyelid and removing the lens, I gazed at myself through tear ridden eyes to see my right eye swollen and crimson red.  I then inspected my case further and smelled “Eternity” by Calvin Klein. Madison had poured out half of Sandra’s perfume into my contact case the night before as she was pretending to be a grown up!


C. There is little in life more heart-wrenching than seeing a little child who is drastically constipated. Such was the case with Madison who in the early stages of potting-training couldn’t for the life of her do her business.  Several failed attempts of forcing fluids and juices down her had only raised the stakes knowing that at any time she could blow.  Madison was given a little multi-colored potty to carry around with her that enabled her to go at a moment’s notice if she felt so inclined.  It became evident that nothing was going to happen. Therefore, we let Hunter and her play in her room and said, “the two of you play nice, but if you feel you have to go–use your potty”.  A few hours went by and not a peep was heard–one could not express even in the smallest sense how good it felt for Sandra and I to have peace and quiet after a hard day.  It was getting late and I thought, “It’s about time to put the kids to bed.” Nothing could have prepared me for the horrors I would encounter.  No sooner had I opened the door than I was exposed to a festival of feces!  To state the obvious,  Madison had had movement and impressively so!  Unfortunately, Hunter was on the loose and unsupervised.  The rest is art history.  It was everywhere; on the carpet, on her toys and dolls, and most wretchedly, all over Hunter from head to toe.  After my incoherent screeching subsided, we spent the next few hours scrubbing and disinfecting the room and kids.


D. Now that Madison was a big three year old, she begin to feel her own independence. Suddenly, she wanted to be all grown up just like Mom and Dad. Often we would find her into Sandra’s makeup putting lipstick on or asking Sandra to paint her little finger and toe nubs.  Then one day she came running into the family room exclaiming, “I cleaned my hair, clean hair!” Sandra and I stared at her light and shimmering locks which were coated with a thick greasy white paste. “What have you done?!,” we exclaimed. “Clean hair,” was her only defense. We walked her into our bathroom to see she had lacquered her head with an entire stick of Arrid Extra Dry deodorant. We burst out laughing. To be continued, I’m sure...

Self-Awareness

Human behavior absolutely fascinates me.  I LOVE to watch conversations and read body language and everything that isn't being said.  The other day, I was indulging in an episode of Dr. Phil (which literally took me 4 hours to get through because of all of the kids' interruptions) where he was doing some group therapy of about 8 women.  He had never met them before that day and by simply watching how they responded to questions and reacted to each other, was able to delve into each of their personal problems.  What I couldn't believe was that without fail, each women was completely unaware of how she was being perceived by others and how that negative behavior was affecting all of the relationships in her life.  All of the other women could see from the persona each was projecting that the other woman had major problems, but each and every one could not see those same problems in themselves.  I was absolutely spellbound by this behavior and it got me to thinking.  How self-aware am I?  Is there a large discrepancy between the person I feel like I am inside and what I portray to others?  Do I sometimes, inadvertently turn people off by my body language and interactions with others?  And I think the answer is yes.

If I were to take a close look at myself, this is what I think the impression I give of myself to others is compared to what I am really feeling inside.

*I have a very loud bark, with usually little bite.  This may come across that I am overly opinionated, or negative when really I often speak strongly, and then after thinking things through, I react much more toned down.

*I think some may think I am very liberal because I enjoy exploring other views and am not threatened by them, when in reality I am a very traditional, conservative mormon mother.

*I am compelled to stick up for the underdog, sometimes before I think it all the way through.  I am often turned off by people I view as having "perfect" lives and avoid them, and feel much more comfortable associating with much more flawed people.  I am sure this is perceived as being stuck up to some, when really, people I view as perfect just make me feel uncomfortable because I don't know how to have a conversation with a person like that and they make me feel insecure about myself.

*I love being a mother, but because I have no problem voicing the often less-than-pleasant realities of it, some who don't know me well probably think I don't like being a mother, or that I'm on the edge of losing it.  (which sometimes I am)

*I love to be by myself, or just with my family.  I am an introvert.  I say "no" to a lot of social things because they are very draining to me and I think people may think I don't like them.

*I think I come across like I have it all together, which occasionally I do, but every day is hard and takes everything I have in me to do all I need to do for my family.  I am often overwhelmed.

So what about you?  Are you aware of how you come across to others, and the ways in which you may be attracting or repelling people by your behavior?  This has been a good exercise for me because it is definitely something I need to be more conscious of and work at correcting.  I was at a friend's house and read a quote on her fridge (thanks, Tiffany) which said something like, "Act in such a way that if someone were to say something bad about you, no one would believe it."  That is my new goal.

Arizona's Immigration Law: A Commentary

I am unequivocally opposed to Arizona's immigration law. Here is what it is attempting to do in a nut shell: On April 23, Arizona's governor signed into law a bill that requires local and state law enforcement to question people about their immigration status if there is reason to suspect they are in the country illegally. It also makes it a state crime to be in the United States illegally. The law mandates that immigrants carry their papers at all times, and that police verify the legal status of individuals during the course of traffic stops or other law-enforcement actions, and when there is a "reasonable suspicion" that the individuals under question are illegal aliens. The law also allows citizens to sue police officers for not enforcing the law. And, it ratchets-up punishments against those that harbor or transport illegal immigrants and against employers that hire them. Arizona's decision has touched off a raw debate across the country over immigration policy and constitutional protections. On the surface, it sounds logical right?

Like with every other major issue in the United States, there are pros and cons to the new Arizona immigration law. On the pros side, almost everyone (including me) agrees that something needs to be done about the out-of-control USA/Mexico border situation. Also on the pros side, Americans need only look at what is happening right now in Mexico where drug gangs are killing citizens and police alike in a bid to control delivery of illegal drugs to this country. No America citizen wants that violence to spread into this country. However, I do not feel that this law is the answer.

On the cons side of the new Arizona immigration law is the very foundation of what has made the United States of America great for more than 200 years. Those rights include American citizens not being hassled or detained by police based on either racial profiling or some other heavy handed government notion. Most white Americans do not worry about this problem, because they will be assumed American citizens based on the color of their skin. However, Americans of Mexican decent can and do worry about this new Arizona immigration law and that makes it a big con for them.

A central principle to supporters is the enforcement of sovereign law. They argue that illegal immigrants are criminals, having broken US immigration laws, so they should be found, jailed, and deported. As Stan Sudero wrote in the Oakland Tribune, "The issue is not ethnic origin, it is criminal trespass. […] The illegal immigrant has chosen to violate our country's laws simply to exploit our free and generous society. […] Mexico would never tolerate such behavior from a foreign national in its own territory." To proponents of Arizona’s law, the matter is simple. It’s a question of whether politicians have the will to enforce US law.

The story, however, is more complicated than that. Many ask, how does the nation or Arizona arrest, imprison, and/or deport over 12 million - or in the case of Arizona 460,000 – illegal immigrants? New York Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg says, "The idea of deporting these 11 or 12 million people – about as many as live in the entire state of Pennsylvania – is pure fantasy. Even if we wanted to, it would be physically impossible to carry out. If we attempted it – and it would be perhaps the largest round-up and deportation in world history – the social and economic consequences would be devastating." For those that accept this conclusion, Arizona’s fight is unwinnable, and the only remaining options are harm reduction, integration, and a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants.

Opponents of the law level a number of moral arguments on this front. They ask, what kind of society are we trying to create? One rooted in exclusion, punishment, and fear, or inclusion, forgiveness, and civic cohesion? Michael Gerson puts it this way in an April 28th Washington Post op-ed: "This law creates a suspect class, based in part on ethnicity, considered guilty until they prove themselves innocent. It makes it harder for illegal immigrants to live without scrutiny -- but it also makes it harder for some American citizens to live without suspicion and humiliation. Americans are not accustomed to the command 'Your papers, please,' however politely delivered." President Obama seems to agree, arguing, "now, suddenly, if you don’t have your papers ... you’re going to be harassed." This kind of an environment, to those fighting Arizona’s law, is inconsistent with American ideals of dignity and privacy, and creates an intolerable cloud of suspicion between neighbors, co-workers, police officers, and government officials.

The reality is, that illegal aliens are mostly of Hispanic decent (creating an incentive to rely on racial profiling) and that there is some record of police officers displaying racism and/or anti-illegal immigrant sentiments. Officers very well may feel that the ends (deporting illegal immigrants) justify the means (using shaky pretexts to stop Hispanics and ask for their documentation). And, there is no denying that racial profiling of African Americans occurs in many communities across the United States. Why should we deny concerns of it occurring under Arizona’s new law?  

I believe as Colin Powell does; that Mexican immigrants are "what's keeping this country's lifeblood moving forward."  I believe that they are a vital and refreshingly diverse part of our society.  In researching this topic, I found that the Social Security Administration estimates that about three-quarters of illegal workers pay taxes that contribute to the overall solvency of Social Security and Medicare.  This is an extremely important fact because their impact on Social Security is significant, with most of the money they are paying into social security never being claimed, but instead going towards retirement checks to legal workers.

In conclusion, I do believe that our borders need to be secured, but I lean more towards creating a path to citizenship for illegal Mexican immigrants versus using the proposed Arizona immigration law which I believe will inevitably lead to racial profiling and a general intolerance of anyone who looks Hispanic.

Unbelievable...

I stumbled upon these REAL adds from the past.  And to think that there are some that view the women's movement as evil...  Thank the Lord for feminists.

*I couldn't help but post this one.  Enlarge to read.  Unbelievable.

GUILT: the "Mother-load"

If you are a mother, you have felt guilt. And lots of it. This is what I have learned through the years about guilt.  There are two types of guilt: healthy guilt, and unhealthy or toxic guilt.

Guilty feelings arise whe something really is your fault. When you feel guilt in this situation, it is your conscience at work, and that is a very good thing. What kind of a world would this be if most people didn't care when their actions had adverse effects on other people? Healthy guilt involves people holding themselves responsible for their actions. Although those actions can't be undone, healthy guilt will motivate people to find ways to better the situation that they caused.

Unhealthy guilt stems from feelings that aren't based in reality or rationality. It happens when people feel guilty for something they didn't cause or couldn't help causing. Unhealthy guilt often gets its roots from guilt and unworthiness that a person has been conditioned or manipulated into feeling. Unhealthy relationships and environments sometimes cause people to feel responsible for things that are really outside of their realm of responsibility. As an example, we cannot assume resonsibility for how others feel because of our actions. It would be healthy to feel guilty for making weight jokes about a woman who is sensitive about her weight, but it would be unhealthy to feel guilty for becoming a doctor when your mother always wanted you to be a lawyer.

Unhealthy guilt also arises when someone blames you for his or her feelings and you take on the blame. Many people have learned to blame others for their feelings rather than take responsible for their own feelings. When you accept this blame, it is because you want to believe that you can control others' feelings. You will feel unhealthy guilt when you accept blame for others' feelings.  While I think it is important to be sensitive to the feelings of others', you should not live your life seeking approval of everyone.

I liked this thought, "A mother’s guilt stems from an inability to give more of herself," but Jane Adams, speaker, author, and research psychologist, offers another perspective. "Guilt is an internal state that is self-defeating and also self-absorbing," she says. "Guilt is all about you, not the subject of your feelings."

The other day, my 6 year old was playing with a friend at our house. I was busy editing photos on the computer when she came in and asked me to make her a sandwich (a 2nd lunch).  I briskly replied, "You can have a sandwich if you make it yourself." A couple of minutes later, she quietly came back into the study and said, "My friend says you are mean to me because I have to make my own sandwich." And.... cue the toxic guilt. I generally have a policy that I don't mind helping my children, but I won't do things for them that they can do for themselves. But, having an outsider declare that making Elisabeth fix her own sandwich was "mean" threw me into a tailspin the rest of the day of, "Am I mean?" "Should I be doing more for my kids?" Obviously, guilt over something like this is absolutely absurd, but this is often the internal dialogue that mother's have inside their heads all day. Thankfully, I now recognize toxic guilt in my life and can rationally talk myself out of it, but there are many young mothers (and not so young) who are plagued with feelings of guilt and inadequacy every day. It is toxic to one's well-being to feel like this because it has such a debilitating effect; lowered self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, a warped relationship with God and what He expects from you, and it sets you up to be manipulated.

If you are prone to toxic guilt, your children (and others) can sense it and will use it to get what they want from you.  Boy have I learned this lesson the hard way!  If you have healthy boundaries and avoid toxic guilt, you will teach people that you can not be manipulated into doing or thinking what they want you to.  For example, when I had my first child, I wanted more than anything to be a wonderful mother to him.  I thought this meant doing everything in my power all day to make him happy.  I remember scrambling to find him a specific cup in the morning because he was throwing a fit for it.  This was how the whole day played out--him demanding things, and me frantically trying to appease him.   I felt that his constant unhappiness was a direct result of my inadequacies as a mother when in reality, I was feeding into his bad behavior.  I felt terrible about myself and in turn, he learned to use this against me.  His behavior got worse.  He expected more and more from me without being grateful and we were both miserable.  So in my efforts to be the best mother I could, I had inadvertently created bad habits and attitudes in my child.  Soon after, I recognized my errors and developed a back bone.  I was able to re-train him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I was the one in charge, not him.

Another more recent example of how I have fortunately progressed, is with my daughter who just started kindergarten.  She is very strong-willed and very smart and so I opted to put her into an all-day kindergarten program.  The old me would allow others to judge me and make me feel guilty.  "Don't you want to be around your child?"  "Isn't she sad to be gone all day?"  If she sensed that I felt this guilt, she would probably start whining and complaining that her day was soooo long, or that her friends didn't have to go all day.  But, I have no guilt because it's not a moral issue.  She will not suffer from being away all day, and if anything, it has improved our relationship.  I constantly tell her how lucky she is to go to this school where there are only 12 students in her class and how I wished I could have worn a uniform to school.  Therefore, she doesn't feel sorry for herself, and I am not taxed with the burden of guilt.  I am happy, and she is happy.

Like many mothers, discerning the difference between healthy guilt and toxic guilt is a daily issue for me.  This is probably because as mothers, we want with all of our hearts to be the best mother possible.  But in the end, toxic guilt lowers our self-esteem, uses up valuable emotional energy and allows us to be manipulated by others.  So next time you are feeling guilty about not making jam like so-and-so, or that your house is a stye, or that you don't like crafts, stop yourself and ask, "Is this a moral issue; something that I am doing that is wrong?"  And if the answer is 'no', LET IT GO.

1st Day

I know everyone posts pictures of their kids' first day of school, and I have tried to refrain since the only person besides me that will enjoy the pictures is my Mom, but I just can't help myself.  A couple of things I want to point out:  Elisabeth's "Olive Oyl" legs, Ashton's one brown "glub" (glove) that he wears all day, every day,  Christian has since gotten his fro cut (thank goodness), the one of Ashton running away is because he didn't want me taking pictures, and Madison is looking very "pre-teen" don't you think?  YIKES!!

Ashton's first day of preschool was very typical to his personality.  He was incredibly excited, but this exhibited itself in meanness and moodiness to me.  If I even tried to talk to him in an excited manner, he would scream, "Quiet!" at me.  Today when I went to dropped him off, I of course wanted to walk him in and give him a hug, but he told me, "Stop!  You stay here, Mama,"  which was in the car.  Oh well.  It's all very endearing and after preschool, we went to Wendy's together and he was nice to me again.  I must say that there were a plethora of emotions as I went home to a completely empty house; sadness, relief, very surreal, it made me feel a little old, very free, but I missed the constant chatter and I had the sense of "now what?"  It was all very emotionally confusing, but they are all very happy at their respective schools.

Hurray For Grandparents!!

My kids have amazing grandparents.  What I love about my parents is that they really concentrate on one-on-one time with each grandchild.  My Dad takes turns taking each of my kids out on dates throughout the year.  This week was Elisabeth's turn.  She got to pick the restaurant to go to which was "Wingers" because she loves their popcorn and macaroni and cheese.  She even got flowers from "Papa."  My Dad also takes all the grandkids to see Santa and to a movie over Christmas break and holds an annual "Camp Papa".  Every week for as long as I have lived here, I get together with my Mom once a week with one or more of my kids.  She smothers them with attention and they always leave feeling like the most important person in the world.  She is always concerned about what each one of them are up to and what their needs are.


Robert's parents are amazing because they know how to have such fun parties and get togethers with the kids.  Just last night, they had a grandkids sleepover with about 12 of their grandchildren!  They have endless amounts of energy and creativity.  The kids love to play board games with them, watch movies, eat treats, and play night games in their backyard.  They are very laid back and don't mind the grandkids making messes and being loud.  It was sooooo enjoyable to wake up this morning to no children and take a long hike with Robert before going to pick up the kids.  Even Ashton slept over for his first time!  I missed him the whole time, but of course he did just fine without me.


I am so thankful for their involvement in my children's lives; they really have made such a difference in their lives as well as mine.

Letter

I was cleaning out my purse and found this letter from Christian and had to share it.  My children are my crowning jewels.