This is motherhood according to me, acknowledging that everyone experiences it differently.
Here's the thing about Mother's Day: I don't like it. I love the small tokens of appreciation and thoughtful notes, hand decorated cards, and fancy dinner we have together as a family, but I don't like the commercialization of Mother's Day, the barrage of messages about what mothers sacrifice, and the putting of women on pedestals by well intended people, because after all, Mothers are just people and when we hear only about the pedestal-deserving acts someone performs, we may feel like we could never possibly measure up. And of course there is always the obligatory talks by youth at church who thank their moms for making their beds for them (even though they're 17), and being such great cooks. All year long, I love my life and feel fully satisfied and fulfilled, until this one day--Mother's Day comes along and I hear it reduced to pie baking and cleaning up other people's slop and I realize that there are some who truly see it this way. You see, to me motherhood is a noble thing and I prefer not to hear it in terms that may represent the "ideal mother" as being a martyr as she gives up her dreams and whole self for her children. Plainly stated, I don't seek that or admire it in others. When I hear it expressed this way, I feel a disconnect because this isn't what is ideal to me and I would never want that for my girls. The reason I love motherhood so much is because I chose it consciously. It wasn't out of obligation of what was expected of me, it wasn't because I was fulfilling any role, it was because I chose it. I love it because while I have had many many sleepless nights, and wiped too many bums, and cleaned up too many messes that weren't my own, I also have gotten to get to know 5 beautiful and gifted personalities. I've gotten to experience things again for the first time through their eyes, and I get 5 splendid individuals to spend the rest of my life with. I feel powerful in the opportunity I have to teach 5 people about so many things.
Motherhood had to grow on me a bit before I could fully embrace it. I would not consider myself a natural nurturer, as I had been taught and assumed all women were. But I prayed and I prayed that it would come to me, and although it never really did become natural to me, it did become a learned trait. More importantly, the love I had for them was fierce and complete. I realized that I had other valuable traits to offer outside of being nurturing, such as understanding and patience. I found I was not sweet, but could be very kind. I found that every mother can be their own ideal; there isn't one way to be a good mother. When I finally realized and embraced this, I was able to add confidence to my list of good mothering traits. Now don't get me wrong, there are things I will NEVER enjoy about motherhood: moodiness of teenagers, late nights, the stomach flu that always spreads to every person in the family before leaving, playing board games, sibling fighting, sticky floors, damaged walls, punishments, temper tantrums, helping with homework, I guess the list could go on and on. There are also days that I would consider epic failures on my part. I used to handle these days by privately berating myself for my missteps, but now I know that apologizing and forgiving myself is a much better example to set for my children. I can honestly say I have no desire to put on any air of perfection to my children. I only want to be me, a person that is trying her best and doesn't give up.
So every year when we pull out our wallets because it's time to celebrate our mother's sacrifice for us, I feel a little uncomfortable because well, it really isn't much sacrifice when I think about it. It's really a lifestyle I chose and quite enjoy. Another blogger I follow said this, "When I think of motherhood as a sacrificial, pedistaled existence I begin to feel sorry for myself and almost ashamed. Motherhood is not like that for me, it's just as much about giving myself what I want as it is taking care of others." (C. Jane Kendrick) I completely agree with this sentiment. And maybe if one's entire existence as a mother feels like a sacrifice, you are going about it the wrong way. The mothers I admire most are empowered individuals who pursue talents, education, and a life outside of their homes. This in turn, makes them happier and their children happier. I also admire those that press forward in the face of tremendous obstacles with a positive attitude. I have a friend who is a single mom and works two full time jobs to provide for her kids. She is almost always upbeat and still makes time for her friends and hobbies.
I must add that I didn't choose only this for my life. I have a delightful little world that I have carved out all along the way where my soul has been nurtured and fed by things I enjoy. Yesterday while on a bike ride, I stopped to listen to the birds chirp and frogs croak, and I thought how much I appreciate moments when I feel a part of nature, a solitary person in a small moment with no connections to anyone but myself.
Motherhood is a lifestyle I have chosen, not because it makes me feel good to sacrifice, but because there are so many payoffs, it doesn't seem like a sacrifice. Motherhood is a gift I have chosen to give myself. And as my children get older and start to move on, I relish the thought of new opportunities outside of it.
