Summers are hard for me, and lately life in general has been tough. It may be that my expectations for my children are too high, or that I don't do well without having my children's time structured. Sometimes the house looks like everyone has emptied their drawers and toy buckets and chucked the contents all into the family room and then gotten every cup, bowl, and spoon out and left them sprawled all over the kitchen. It seems like there is so much damage on the walls of our home, that I imagine that one day, they all must have decided to just kick all the walls in just for entertainment. I'm sure this is not the case, it just feels like it is sometimes. It also may be the onslaught of everyone's summer fun blasted all over Instagram and Facebook, which makes it seem like all day every day is laughter, fun, and memories for everyone. Of course we have had a lot of wonderful activities of our own, but I find that overall, summer is HARD work, filled with equal parts fun, messes, sibling fighting, and some intense efforts in parenting skills. I really feel like summer vacation could all be accomplished in about 4-6 weeks and then kids would do better being back in school learning. I don't feel at all like family bonding or childhood would be negatively affected by being in school more. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and enjoy their company, but I just think 3 months of summer vacation is too much of a good thing. Honestly, I have never been so tapped out when it comes to the individual needs of each child. I find my mind is always thinking, planning, reasoning, analyzing, and rethinking ways of doing things. It's made things get really simple: what I care about most is my relationship with each child and their individual happiness. All of my decisions on how I should proceed are based around these 2 things. And when I say "happiness", I mean that I try and get out of the way and let them lead a little more in defining what happiness is for them. It can be incredibly emotionally draining when you have a child that has some extenuating needs and you are therefore thinking through every word out of your mouth and action you take. Well, the older they get, the more this is the case. And while I would love to be one of those moms who is just carefree and fancy free, I'm not and I never will be. There is always the mother that feels the need to broadcast to everyone how she simply cannot get enough time with her children and cherishes every moment of summer, crying when they return to school. Stop. Just stop. You are lying at my expense. If this were the truth, you would be homeschooling and loving it. Then there is always the pull I feel to go back to school. Oh yah, there is a "Me" somewhere in the mix which is easy to forget about. It's just not enough for me to exist only to love and serve my children and I always knew this about myself, even before I had kids. Learning is a big part of who I am, and besides reading, it has been on hold for 16 years. I want to go back to school, but how? And when? What do children suffer from more? A mother who gives up everything for them, even her deepest desires in order to serve them, teaching them to do the same in the future? Or a mother who occasionally chooses herself, and is therefore NOT always there when they may need her? Or what about a mother who has no interests or goals outside of her children? A lot of how they respond depends on society's messages around them. If society is supportive of mothers who work or go to school, then it seems children learn to be more accepting of this. But if society teaches them that their mother has made a "lesser" choice, choosing worldly things over them, they will have more issues with it. My mom did an amazing job at going back to school with young children still at home. Hopefully I can do as well as she did. Trying to teach your kids to work and to not waste their time doing brainless things like TV and electronic games is a full time job. I wonder why it's so hard for me? Do other mothers just let their kids do what they want all day? Because that would be so much easier! Or are they just more mild mannered and have passive children who simply do what they are asked? Hmmmm. I'm convinced that people aren't as carefree as they seem on social media. At least that's my hope.
While cleaning out my closet, I came across this poem that Christian wrote me. It made all my woes fade for a while.
You don't want me to grow old or tall
You wish your Peanut could just stay small
I'm sorry to say that I've gotta plan
I'm going to grow up, and be a man
You taught me to think, love, and pray
I promise I'll work hard every day
You gave me life in more ways than one--
You taught me passion, wisdom, work, and even fun
You taught me to battle dark warriors, vile villains, and evil powers
But also to dream, create, help, sympathize, be true, and to admire life's pretty flowers
You are uplifting, charitable, pretty, and nice
The chances of getting a Mama like you were so slim, I had to use loaded dice
You gave me the knowledge to seize the day
And even some of your amazing DNA
The wisdom of the sages, kings, and prophets of old
Dwindles in comparison to what I've been told
You deserve kingdoms, honors, and wealth of great sum
I'm so happy that I get to keep you and call you my "Mum."
Awww, so sweet!
