My Favorite Child

Many years back when I was probably 14 or 15, I read an article in the Reader's Digest about a mother who had each of her children convinced that they were her favorite child and it wasn't until her death when the children were talking that they discovered over the years she had written them each letters telling them throughout their lives what she loved about them and why they were each her favorite child.  It wasn't a lie because they were each her most adored child in different ways.  I don't know why that article had such an impact on me, but I filed it away in the back of my mind until I had children, and then attempted to implement the same thing with my children.  Unfortunately, the discovery that the other children were favorites too, was stumbled upon much before my death when Elisabeth burst into Hunter's bedroom, overhearing me tell him all the reasons I loved him and that he was my favorite.  In tears she exclaimed, "I thought I was your favorite!"  Oh freaking no.  And then from the kitchen, one of the other children chimed in, "I thought it was me!"  And in an instant, my Reader's Digest moment was blown to smithereens, as I frantically attempted to explain that each of them had a special place in my heart reserved just for them and that, indeed, they were each my favorite child in individual ways.  Perhaps reenacting my Reader's Digest moment wasn't an optimum idea now that I think about it, and Elisabeth is probably scarred for life because of it.  ANYWAY . . .

Of course most of us love our children equally and would never admit even to ourselves that one of our children was our favorite, but sometimes we just "click" with a certain child better than others or maybe one of our children has been easier to raise and so we have less conflict with them and so it seems like they are our favorite.  Maybe it alternates with age when our parenting skills seem better honed to parent certain aged children.  For me, I find myself enjoying and adept at handling toddlers and teenagers the most.  If you happen to really understand and "get" one child's personality better than another, how do you balance the relationship out with the one that is more difficult, making them feel equally loved in spite of your differences?  I think we've all experienced looking in on another person's family and from the outside it just seems so obvious that they favor one of their children over the other(s).  Most likely, they aren't even conscious of what seems fairly conspicuous to those observing from the outside.  Hopefully that is not me!  I genuinely don't feel like I have a favorite child.  Okay, maybe on certain days if one child is particularly difficult I may prefer being in the presence of the others over the child giving me stress, but overall they are all my favorite in different ways.

Christian is my favorite because he was my first child--the child that made my lifelong dream of being a mother come true.  He is wise and mature for his age and pleasant to be around.  He has a bright intellect and is a natural born leader.  He has no interest in peer pressure and has confidence in what he wants and who he is.  He is brilliant, very independent, self motivated, and determined.  He makes us look like way better parents than we actually are.  Ha!

Madison is my favorite because she was my first girl and I my whole life I always wanted a daughter.  I take great joy in how different she is than me.  She is vibrant, active, fun, and happy.  She always has a positive outlook on life and innately desires to help people.  She is wonderful with small children.  She has lots of friends and naturally steers clear of girl drama. (Thank goodness)  She is down to earth and does not require much to be happy.  She tries hard at everything she pursues.

Hunter is my favorite because of his peaceful spirit.  He was born during one of the most hard and lonely times in our lives--10 days before our move to Oregon where we knew not a soul and then subsequently moved 4 more times in the next year and a half.  He was a happy, easy baby who slept well and entertained himself for hours and made life more bearable during that time.  He thinks deeply, uniquely, and quietly.  He excels at anything he puts his mind to.  He is a quiet leader that draws people to him without even trying.

Elisabeth is my favorite because she has fire inside of her.  This girl is going places!  Her delicate femininity may convince some at first that she is a girly girl, but she is a fighter and loves tigers, wolves, and dogs because they are just like her!  :)  She is incredibly smart and has a firm grasp on her free agency; she will use it for much good in her life I am sure.  She is smart and has a strong opinion on just about everything!  She is also my only cuddly child, which I love.

Ashton is my favorite because he is my baby.  I am his favorite and that endears me even more to him.  He takes life very seriously for someone his age, and because of this, reminds me of myself as a child.  He has strong boundaries that must be respected and is a constant source of joy for the rest of his siblings.  He is proving to be quite the little artist too!

As you can see, I am lucky enough to have 5 favorite children!

This weekend we had a neighborhood Halloween party at our house.  Here are some pictures:

Elisabeth and Sierra right before the party started.

Decorating cupcakes

Spider scavenger hunt

Find the eyeballs among the worms, relay

Candy corn relay

Making sparkle pumpkins

Ashton's Frankenstein cupcake

Hunter and his two bestsies

A Parental Pat On The Back?

A couple of days ago, we had the opportunity to attend Christian's induction ceremony into the National Honor Society.  It was quite an elite group of kids being recognized with a regimen of service, exceptional grades, and leadership required for acceptance.  The keynote speaker urged the students to recognize their parent's role in them being there and encouraged them to thank them for all of their efforts.  I have to admit that it was a pretty proud moment for me.  But the more I have reflected on that night, the more I realize that the pride I felt was a little misplaced.  Let me explain.  I was, and am, incredibly proud of Christian for his academic accomplishments.  However, I think that pride in myself for helping him accomplish those things is not somewhere I feel comfortable going because he has done it 99% himself, and the 1% of effort on my part was just pure joy for being able to participate.  He has naturally excelled at learning his whole life, and that is what he spends his efforts pursuing--hours and hours every day by himself down in his room.  Of course, as a child we helped him with his homework but it didn't really require a lot of effort on our part even then because he thrived on learning and was innately good at it.

Next, my mind went to my daughter Madison who we in fact do spend hours upon hours with studying and teaching while she cries, fights with us, is frustrated with us, and us with her.  Besides doing homework with her on a daily basis, we have hired tutors, had her evaluated, talked to teachers and counselors endlessly, prayed for her success, and yet the result has been less than stellar as far as grades are concerned.  Even though her grades aren't all A's, we are equally proud of her as we are of Christian because of her extreme effort.  If you could see what my husband and I, as well as many many other parents go through with students that struggle like her, you would promptly award us the Parental Job (as in the Old Testament, Job) Award.  However, none of us will ever sit in a school auditorium and be given a parental pat on the back for our students with mediocre grades, even though we probably should and our children probably should as well because of their perseverance in the face of hardship.  It is tempting to directly connect a student's academic performance with a parent's efforts, but this definitely should not be done because it is not accurate to assume that a student with straight A's and a student with B's and C's had more or less parental involvement.  In fact in our case, it is the opposite; we have had to be way more involved with Madison than we have with Christian--we just get more praise for his academic successes than we do for Madison.

I realize their intent to point out to the students that they needed to be grateful to their parents for their help and support came from a good place, but in my situation, it wasn't really deserved like it might have been for other parents there and I don't wish to take any of the credit away from Christian.  It has made me think about things I wouldn't mind getting some credit for in raising my children, because they are things I highly value and have put a lot of effort into.  These are some of the things:

*Children that know how to work hard.

*Children that are joyful and balanced individuals.

*Children who are grateful.

*Children who are service oriented.

*Children who are independent.

All other things involving talents, school, and personal spirituality are more up to them to grasp and pursue and really aren't so much a reflection upon Robert and I as parents in my opinion.  And doesn't it all just boil down to free agency anyway?  You can offer your kids every opportunity, and create a perfect environment for them in every way, but ultimately it is all up to them whether they take ahold of the opportunities given to them.  So really, for me at least, I feel comfortable being proud of what my children accomplish, but don't really plan on connecting their accomplishments to myself or equating my value as a person to their successes or failures.  Which leads me to my final thought:  I feel the more you are able to detach your children's accomplishments and failures from yourself, the less their life becomes about YOU and the more it becomes about THEM, which is how I believe it should be.  I think having a child's motivations be clearly internally centered within themselves, instead of coming from external sources of motivation such as parental approval is vital in a child's development.  Ultimately, I have decided that I want my children to choose good choices in their lives because that is truly what they want, not because they think it's what I want.  That may work for a while, but I don't think being externally motivated by Robert and I will create lasting convictions to good things.  Therefore, lately I have tried more to center my children's accomplishments on them.  I always tell them I am proud of them, but instead of stopping there, I say "How did you feel about what you just accomplished?"  Hopefully this will help them be more in tune with the importance of pride in themselves, outside of me, when they accomplish something great.  What do you think?  Do you think a parent has the right to take partial credit for their child's accomplishments?  Do you think internal motivation is more important than external motivation?

Jackson Hole

We went to explore Jackson Hole over Fall Break.  It was beautiful and such an adventure!  I made a music slide show if you want to see our trip.  It probably won't work on an iPhone or iPad.

Free slideshow customized with Smilebox

My Autumn

AUTUMN

It's autumn time inside me, as I feel.
It's cool and lucid, and I see quite clearly, 
although I'm sad, I am not despaired, really, 
and I am filled with patience and good will.

And if, at times, I do get wild indeed, 
I do it when I fade and leave my foliage, 
and then I come to sad and simple knowledge
that rage and rampage isn't what we need.

But what we really need is just a chance 
to see the raging world and our own selves
in all the bareness of autumn spells, 
when we can see all through, at once.

Enlightenment is the child of peace and calm.
So never mind if we don't rage and riot.
We'd better shuffle off all wrangles and keep quiet
in order that we see new foliage come.

Something has happened to me, for I trust
and I rely exclusively on silence
where leaves pile on the ground, tired of violence, 
and turn, inaudibly, to earth and dust.

Then you see all, like from a mountain bed, 
when you can dropp your foliage duly, 
and when your inner autumn gently, coolly, 
will put its airy palpi on your head.

--Yevegeny Yevtushenko

Yes, it is true.  I am in my Autumn.

From my hike up Mt. Olympus this week.  The mountains:  A temple to my soul.

Conference weekend and more

This weekend I finished my 40 hour training as a rape crisis advocate and counselor.  I loved it and am so grateful to Robert who took over all of my responsibilities for those 40 hours so willingly.  We had a wonderful conference weekend with a big breakfast on Sunday morning, conference bingo, and word searches, and a fire pit in the backyard after.  A big thanks to Robert who finally put my fire pit together, which was a Christmas present 3 years ago!!

Conference Bingo with marshmallows.

I told her to pose, and this is what she chose to do . . .

Fire pit! 

Elisabeth and her best friend Calyn in our backyard.

Smores!

One of my favorite things about being a mom is seeing my kids find their passions.  I

 have been so impressed with Hunter lately as I have watched him blossom in his interests which are writing, hip hop dance, and art.  He has written 65 pages in his book which we plan on publishing into a hard cover book when he finishes!  He was also chosen as dancer of the month at his dance school.  Pretty impressive for a boy in an advanced hip hop class who is two years younger than all of the other students in the class!  Hunter is a boy of many talents!

Hunter, writing his book.

Hunter gets recognized as dancer of the month.

When  Hunter has free time, he either writes or draws.  Here are some of his latest pictures.

I miss having Ashton home during the day so I had him skip school for a day and
we spent the day playing at Boondocks!

Christian gets asked to Harvest Dance!

Ashton at horseback riding lessons with E. wearing his cowboy gear.

I love helping in Elisabeth's classroom every week.  This is a picture
of her doing math facts with me.

Elisabeth at horseback riding lessons.  

Elisabeth's Baptism Day

Elisabeth's baptism was last weekend.  She was so excited to be baptized!  Christian, Hunter, and Madison each gave talks and they were so so touching and good.  We appreciate those that supported us and attended!  Afterwards, we went out to her favorite restaurant, The Brick Oven.  It was a wonderful day and we are so thankful for all the joy Elisabeth brings into our lives.

Elisabeth and cousin Sierra

Christian and Elisabeth

Hunter and E.

Me, Ashton, and E.

Madison and E.

Robert and E.

Madison and her oh so adorable fashion glasses

SPUNKY