A Defining Moment

I believe that in everyone's life, there are defining moments; choices you make in your life when a fork in the road is reached that carve your character for better or worse. For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about my life's defining moments lately, and one in particular that I felt compelled to write about.

Graduating from high school and starting BYU when I was 17 was quite a strenuous adjustment for me, as it is for most people. These are the circumstances in my life that lead to a sort of "perfect storm" that changed the course of my life forever.

I felt defined as the girl who was smart and didn't feel like I had much else that I excelled at, so when I started at BYU on a tuition scholarship and lost it after the first semester, it really turned my identity upside down. The competition at BYU was incredibly stiff and I no longer found myself at the head of the pack in spite of my hard work. Secondly, I had started dating Robert in high school and we had both begun college at BYU, but he subsequently left to a 6 month study abroad in Jerusalem, and then a 2 year mission for the LDS church. He was my life. I was absolutely consumed by him and when he left, I felt like it was similar to a death which lead to depression which I was completely out of touch with. Everyday I physically hurt from missing him so much. I didn't want friends, I felt no one understood my deep feelings for Robert, I was studying intensely and not doing particularly well, I was incredibly overwhelmed with my classes, and then the panic attacks started. When I think back, it was so surreal that I was going through all of this and failed to recognize the impact it was having on me emotionally and physically. I must add at this point in the story that yes, I do know that my reaction to Robert leaving was out of control, but that's sort of the point--I didn't know how to appropriately deal with his leaving which led to my downward spiral. I remember sitting in the doctor's office and him asking me, "What's going on in your life that is resulting in depression and anxiety?" And I was completely taken aback because I was unaware that I was experiencing anxiety and depression and had no idea what would cause it! I was not sleeping AT ALL for weeks, I had severe chest pains, felt a little out of touch with reality, racing heart, felt like death was imminent, had to leave the testing room a couple of times in the middle of a test simply because I couldn't handle the anxiety of being in that room one more minute. It all culminated in me leaving school in the middle of the night and going home. I dropped out of school in the middle of the semester resulting in UW's in every class which count as F's on my GPA. This was my fork in the road. I knew that I could NOT live the rest of my life not having the coping mechanisms to deal with life's hardships. I did not like myself and I was tired of being miserable, but what should I do? In spite of very supportive parents, I instinctively felt this was something I had to do on my own.

Getting failing grades turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me because guess what? Life went on. I realized I could be other things besides "the smart girl" and that I could be happy without excelling academically; it no longer defined me. It was incredibly freeing. I felt I could make a fresh start and begin building the person I really wanted to be. I then signed up for a controversial group called "Impact Training." It was basically an intensive introspective journey that broke you down emotionally, allowing you to face your baggage with new eyes and then create what you really wanted for your life. The LDS church came out against this program for some very valid reasons, but it was immensely helpful to me because for the first time in my life I asked the question, "What do I want?" It was such a novel thought to me and brought so much power and happiness back into my life. I was the captain of my ship and I could decide to change certain things about myself that I didn't like instead of being a slave to my inborn nature. This is really what free agency is about; not just being able to choose what to wear, what to eat, etc., but ACTING in your life, not just being acted upon. I started seeing my life as an exciting novel that I could write a page in every day and found it invigorating to have the power to make it read exactly how I determined it should. I felt powerful for the first time in my life! I sought help in gaining better coping mechanisms for my anxiety, I attempted to change my outlook from a pessimist to more of an optimist (which is still a work in progress), and I have never worn a watch since then as a symbol that I don't want my life to be all planned out; I want to be able to live more in the moment. I also changed my major a couple of times, finally settling on Sociology which I absolutely LOVED and thrived on. I feel that taking advantage of this "failure" is part of the reason I am so happy and fulfilled today.

I am so thankful that I took the road I did because it has made all the difference in the world! There are many other defining moments that have shaped me, some where I made the best choice, and some in which I didn't, but this is the one I wanted to share. Thank you for listening--


The Road Not Taken
by: Robert Frost


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Summer Fun!

Another slideshow by Smilebox

Looking in the Mirror

When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  What are the first words that pop into your mind?  Do you see a wife, a mom, a career person maybe, perhaps a person who is starting to age or is just plain tired?  I was thinking the other day about the importance of always holding onto and staying in touch with the essence of who you were before you were married and had kids.  That's not to say that those things aren't wonderful positions in life to have, but I think it's imperative not to get lost in those roles.  When I look in the mirror, I like to try and see just me; no titles attached, just me.  And every once in a while I look in the mirror and ask the reflection, "Are you still there?  The girl who loves the outdoors, who is introspective, sometimes a little rebellious, who loves to learn and loves life?"  And as of now, I feel happy to say she is still there, quirks and all, even in the midst of all her important roles.  How about you?

A "Daddy"

Anyone can be a Father, but only a few can be a "Daddy."  Robert is the ultimate hands-on Daddy.  He plays with them, does homework with them, takes them camping, works with them, volunteers at their schools, gets up with them in the night when they are sick or scared, teaches them how to do things, takes them on dates, spends all of his free time with them, reads scriptures with them, prays with them and for them, is an amazing example to them, provides opportunities for them, and is the most amazing husband to me that anyone could ever have.  He is their hero, and mine.  What an amazing man.

What I Have Learned . . .

There are so many wonderful and endearing things my children have taught me.  Here is a sampling of a few gems:

*Any time is a good time to wear goggles.

*Puddles are made to be stomped in.

*If there is something on the ground that looks like chocolate, it's not.  It's pooh.

*If someone calls your name frantically, they are going to want you to stop doing something you are enjoying, so RUN!

*That I am someone's hero and most favorite person in the whole world.

*If there is any flaw that I have, my children will not only see it, but repeat it over, and over, and over.

*BRIBERY is indeed the best motivator. 

*There are so many things that I thought mattered, but don't.  And so many things that I never noticed, that are now of great importance.

*Ants, caterpillars, ladybugs, and "roly-polies" are absolutely fascinating to watch . . . and then smush.

*Popsicles are scrumptious year round, and should be considered their own food group.

*Church is WAY too long and is better enjoyed in the halls doing laps or talking to friends.

*When taking a bubble bath, bubbles are meant to be placed all over your head and face to amuse one's self instead of just laying in them and relaxing.

*Having pictures taken of you is awful and the best way to handle this is to look totally unnatural, to cry, or to run away.

*When having children, pride and dignity in yourself is best to be given up because they will yank it from you at the worst possible times, PUBLICLY.

*Children have mastered the delicate art of humility in the midst of very healthy self esteem.

*They are their own people and should never be forced to accomplish your agenda for their life.

*Teaching children never happens when it is planned, only when you least expect a teaching moment.  So always be ready.

*Yes, your children are smarter and cuter than everyone else's but SHHHHHHH, because everyone else thinks this about their children too and you don't want to burst their bubble.

*I need to be more teachable, because my children are.

*Everyday can be the BEST day of your life, if you find the good in it.

*Don't try to schedule anything for yourself in the day, because they will sense it and then thwart your efforts at every turn.  Life is all about them.

*Sometimes it's okay to make cookie dough and just eat it, and not cook it.

*It's great to be noticed when you're doing something amazing.  "Watch me!  Watch me!"

*Being called, "Mama" is the greatest, sweetest thing to ever be called . . . unless they're screaming it.

*Siblings make the best "buddies."

*Toots are hilarious and should always be laughed at, hysterically.

*Cuddles and nuzzles are the best, but only in their time frame.

*Lightening McQueen pajamas are awesome under church clothes.

*Cleaning is best accomplished by quickly stuffing things under the bed, in drawers, or behind things.

*Desserts taste WAY better than vegetables.

*It's okay to cry when someone hurts your feelings.

*Pure joy can be found in every day.

*I can make someone feel better if I share what I have with them.

*Saying "please" nicely will get you just about anything.

*LIVE in the moment.

*I LOVE being 5 little people's "Mama."

Leopard Paws For Tiger Dog

Could there be anything more precious than a feminine little girl (who insists on being called "TigerDog") who has a passion for tigers, lions, and leopards?  All day long she scampers all over the house imitating a tiger, roaring and purring on all fours.  She cannot seem to get enough stuffed leopards, lions, or tigers as well as costumes.  Every night when we go in to check on her, she can be found in her bed with all of her Big Cat encyclopedias and storybooks spread out all over her bed.  This is something so incredibly endearing to me and I am already mourning the day that she outgrows this phase.  She recently did extra jobs every day for a week to save up enough money for these:

Seriously, could she get any cuter with her new leopard paws on?!

My Mom

I think it's safe to say that no matter how old I get, I will always need my Mom.  I don't care if I'm 80 and she's 100, I'll still need her advice, support, wisdom, and love.
     Now that my 5 week ordeal of being injured is over, I can safely speak about it.  About 5 weeks ago while training for a race, I unknowingly tore a major muscle in my thigh.  Never having being injured and having a high tolerance to pain, I took two days off and then ran 8 miles on it.  Well, needless to say, the next day, I could hardly walk and the pain was excruciating.  I really thought that it would take a few days to recover and then I'd be back to my normal fast-paced schedule.  It wasn't until I visited a sports medicine doctor that I realized it would be a 4-6 week recovery and I should be taking it as easy as possible and need physical therapy.  There really are no words to convey how incredibly hard this is with 5 very active children.  I am used to starting my day by bolting out of bed and literally running, running, running the whole day, sweating and with my heart racing.  I very much enjoy my independence and being extremely physically active.  How was I going to take it EASY for 4-6 weeks?!  I have to admit, I re-injured the muscle 2-3 times because of my over-zealousness in wanting to recover.  There were times when I grew depressed over not being able to do things myself and being trapped in my house.  My 3 oldest kids were amazing, but my 2 youngest did not understand why I couldn't do certain things and often grew frustrated with me.
      I will confess that I ABHOR having to be helped.  It makes me uncomfortable, it makes me feel like I am going to have to "owe" someone in the future, and it makes me sort of depressed at not being able to do things on my own.  Well, that's where a wonderful mother like mine can help.  My mom was my angel for those many weeks.  She baked me elaborate dinners, dropped off and picked up my daughter from preschool, took my very active 3 yr. old to her house many times, cleaned my house, did my laundry, and took the kids out to lunch and on fun adventures.  Everyday, she called to check in on me.  I seriously don't know how I could have done it without her.  I think this was the first time in my life when I absolutely could NOT do it on my own, and I am so thankful that I had my Mom here to help me.  I forget every once in a while how nice it is to have her, until I talk to my close friend who lost her mom to cancer 6 years ago and she still struggles with needing a Mom's advice, support, and unconditional love.

      I am so incredibly thankful for her and the close relationship we share.  I am so thankful that when I needed her, she was there.  I love you, Mom!





*Isn't she beautiful?

LUCK

One of my very favorite quotes is this:  "LUCK is when PREPARATION meets OPPORTUNITY."  I don't believe in luck in the traditional sense, and have always cringed slightly when people have said that I am so lucky about certain things.  I of course believe in blessings, but even then I think that Heavenly Father has it set up so that positive or negative things naturally stem from wise or foolish choices, so in a sense you can choose through free agency to bless yourself.  The freedom and ability to do so comes from God, and for that we should always be thankful.  What do you think?  Do you believe in LUCK?  Is there someone you know that just seems lucky?

Water Fight!!!

Memorial Day Weekend

Swimming  Park City  Painting  Movies  Barbecue
Friends  Camp fire  Camping  Temper tantrums
Sunburns  Smores  Games  More temper tantrums  Fun
Grumpy  AND  Worn Out