Raising Savages

Sometimes I think I may be raising savages instead of children.  It was not long ago that I posted this (http://4peanutsandacashew.blogspot.com/2012/05/part-of-me-that-cares.html) about how in order to maintain some semblance of a happy home, I had to give up on my desire for cleanliness and an undamaged house.  Indeed, lowered expectations is the key to a happy home I have found.  Well, with the kids home for the summer, things have just gotten worse.  And then just last week, I just couldn't handle the overwhelming nature of the massive amounts of work needed to just catch up, and believe me, I was trying my darndest . . . so instead of dealing with it, I left Robert with the kids for several hours.  When I came back, Robert kindly suggested that we hire someone to help during the summer so I didn't feel so overwhelmed, which was so very nice until I realized the amount of cleaning I would have to do to render the house clean enough to be cleaned by the cleaners.  Get it?  After accepting Robert's gracious offer, I spent the next 2 full days going into the places I normally try to push out of my consciousness; the kids' basement bathroom, the downstairs storage room, and certain closets that exploded their contents at me as soon as I eased their burden by opening the door.  So finally the day arrived--the day the cleaners would come.  Well, 3 hours of predicted work by 2 people turned into 5 hours, which turned into another added day of an additional 5 hours, and 2 workers turned into a much needed and hired 3rd worker.  AND THAT WAS ONLY FOR THE FIRST FLOOR.  We live in a 3 level home.  Yes, I was not exaggerating when I said things were out of control over here.  It was a little embarrassing, but I don't have much dignity left after the years of raising 5 children, so I just kept thanking them profusely.  Now that they have come and gone, I am enjoying the cleanliness, but not the added stress of keeping the house at the level they left it at.  I find that I am following around each of my children, asking, "You're going to clean that up, aren't you?"  and, "Please put that away when you are done."  And all of this leads me to wonder, "Am I raising savages?!  Children on their way to becoming animals?!"  Because that's what it feels like.  And I have now officially become the mother I never wanted to be.  Here are some more evidences I have collected that my children may becoming savages:

*The garbage can that used to exist under a certain sink a couple of years ago, is now replaced with trash without the can that the children throw in the empty cupboard, even though they can see that there is no longer a garbage can there.

*Every time one of them gets out the powdered drink, Tang (which I hate, but Robert still buys), there is a 10 foot by 4 foot radius of sticky Tang powder on the kitchen floor.  WHHHYYYY?!!

*Instead of unclogging their downstairs toilet, they just kept using it for who knows how long.  This is the bathroom I normally avoid for obvious reasons.  When I finally went down there, I spent 60 minutes cleaning just the toilet, all while dry gagging into the nearby tub.  Needless to say, these children were severely reprimanded when they got home.

*As I was cleaning out my youngest son's room, I came across BONES that he had hidden away as "souvenirs" after a dinner of BBQ ribs.

*I went to empty the bathroom garbage recently, only to find that even though the garbage can is touching the toilet, someone had poohed in the garbage can and missed the toilet.  I was so mad, I just THREW OUT the garbage can.

*Which reminds me of a coping mechanism I have adopted in order to deal with the messes.  When I get really defeated by the messes at my house, it makes me mad, and then sometimes, I just start throwing out the kids stuff.  And boy does it feel good.

*I buy a lot of food in bulk, including cake mixes and frosting.  Well, I keep finding frosting containers that are opened without a cake being made and eaten out of and NO ONE WILL FESS UP!  This morning while cornering 3 certain children and telling them they weren't leaving until someone admitted to the latest chocolate frosting being opened, Hunter exclaims after 10 minutes of adamant denial, "OHHHHH!  I thought you were asking about the vanilla frosting, not the chocolate frosting!"

The thing is, I really don't know what else I can do to teach these kids proper behavior!  Sometimes I just feel helpless and hopeless, like all of my attempts at teaching them are in vain.

Sometimes I think they all conned me into having them because of their cuteness.  Let's face it, when you have them as babies, they are always to-die-for cute, and looking at those chubby faces is just instant pay off for those sleepless nights.  You really don't know what you are getting yourself into, until it's too late and you're in waaaayy over your head.  Yep, that's me!

BUT THEN, they do something like today, where they decide to put on a play for us and it makes it all a little better and more worth it.  Today, Hunter, Elisabeth, and Ashton treated us to some break dancing, miming (of all things), and a comedic play.  It was so endearing.

How I love my little savages.

Highlights of tonight's performance:

Ashton, break dancing

wrestling match

Elisabeth and Hunter, miming

Taking a bow!

Corey's Story

I would rather be the listener in the conversation any day than the talker.  And that's how it all started with Corey.  I'll admit I had a case of a bad attitude, with a capital "B".  I had to drive up to Snowbasin to be one of 2 volunteers required during the Ragnar race for Robert's and Christian's team and all I could think about were the multitudinous things I would rather be doing.  It was pandemonium up there with traffic, runners, noise, and confusion--all things I abhor and generally seek to avoid with a vengeance.  Per the circumstance, I was having a hot flash with heart palpitations and mild panic.  Eventually, I found my station where the directors were all too frazzled to explain the directions for my post, so they told me to just sit for a few minutes.  I took my seat right next to a boy, looking to me to be about 17 (and I was right) with red curly hair, freckles, and a quick smile.  He looked nice enough, I thought.  Internally thankful that I had an excuse to do nothing for a few minutes amongst the chaos, I settled in to people watching, one of my favorite things.  Then the boy next to me started talking, like we were old friends.  "I work on a farm and I've been up since 5am.  I had to come here to volunteer as a requirement in my STATE CUSTODY agreement."  My beautiful silence was obliterated.  Great.  Now, not only did I have to volunteer among this chaos for 4 and a half hours, I had to spend it with a felon.  I silently eyed my purse on the ground and nudged it closer to me with my foot.  He was one of those talkers where he was so desperate for attention that he continued to spill his whole life story with little to no reservation and very little prodding on my part.  But now I was interested.  I have a penchant for listening to a person who has a story to tell.  And suddenly I felt myself shift, from the bad-mood, rotten attitude me, to the engaged, helpful, and genuine me who wanted to be there for this boy to talk, but also because I was enjoying myself.  As we placed light beacons along a 2 mile mountain trail for the nighttime runners, he schooled me on his life.  An alcoholic and abusive father who gave up custody of him to the state when his mom died at age 10.  In and out of juvenile detention, where instead of learning anything, he was initiated into a gang.  Then he told me about his life within the gang, seeing friends be murdered and being beaten to a pulp by the rival gang.  The gang started at age 11.  All I could think about was my Huntie, who is 11, with his round cheeks, innocence, and dependence on me.  My heart ached upon thinking of Hunter in a state run juvenile jail at his age, fending for himself, being regularly beaten up with no one there to protect him or comfort him.  Corey learned quickly the ins and outs of hiding and transferring drugs within a secured facility in order to insure his status within his gang.  He recalled the cruelness of his life, and the dad that still wanted nothing to do with him.  Now he was in a temporary foster care family where he would spend 6 more months before he turned 18, and then he would be completely on his own.  No mother, no father, no relatives to help support him, and a system that he was only a burden to.  He had very little counseling within the state system, so his coping mechanisms have been almost exclusively limited to a flight or fight response.  I thought about Christian, who is only about a year and a half younger than Corey.  Christian has tremendous love in his life and the whole world is an open book of opportunity, waiting for him to grab.  It all seemed so immensely unfair!  How was he supposed to find love and give love in the world, when he had really never experienced it?  How was he not supposed to search out drugs and alcohol or his gang again during times of heartache and stress when that is all he had ever known?  He seemed optimistic and hopeful for his future, in which he dreamed to become an underwater welder and an MMA fighter.  I couldn't help but wonder if he even had an inkling of a chance to stay out of trouble, or to achieve his goals.  If Corey could have been taken from birth and raised in a good home, how much different would his life have been?  I pondered about how very few people on Earth probably have full accountability for their actions, Corey included.  Was I scared for my safety around him?  Emphatically no.  I sensed that he would protect himself if threatened, but there was a sweetness and innocence still about him that would not allow him to harm someone like myself.  In the end, I felt he had given me a gift.  He, like me, my children, and those around me, is a child of God.  His life story so far is cloudy and troubled, but I was thankful that he chose me to tell it to.  And I will hold that story in my hands with respect, non-judgment, and hope for a better future for him.
      I wish I could say that our time together achieved some sort of resolution for Corey.  But it didn't.  I told him that I was rooting for his future success and believed in him.  I came home and prayed intensely for him.  But what will probably happen is that he will continue to be tossed incessantly by the waves of life.  I hope there are others, like his foster family, that will be willing to give him a chance, or that will give a listening ear.  While I began by priding myself in being that listening ear, I ended by being humbled by his strength, his courage, and his optimism.  Indeed everyone has a story to tell, and something to teach.  Thank you, Corey.

Lake Powell 2012

If you haven't been to Lake Powell, picture Bryce or Zions Canyon with a lake all around it.   It really is quite spectacular, something that should be considered one of the wonders of the world in my opinion.  It was our first visit there and we had such an amazing time with 2 families we were friends with in dental school.  We shared a houseboat, all 19 of us.  We fished, surfed, ate a ton, paddle boarded, played games, jet skied, talked, went tubing, went cliff diving (at least some of us), and laughed.  The days were long and the nights began as soon as our heads hit the pillow--and we slept the kind of sleep where you wake up and for an instant, you wonder what time of day it is and where you are.  It was so fun to see the friends we made when we were just starting out as a family.  Those years in Kentucky were the best years of my life, and these were some of the people we shared those years with.

Arriving at Lake Powell--why is there ALWAYS one child who refuses to behave for a family photo??

Madison learns how to SURF!!

My Handsome

Robert got up with Elisabeth

Elisabeth was happy at first, but then very scared.  LOVE her face in this picture!

Christian, cliff diving 

Ashton, Elisabeth, and Hunter double tubing with friends

Christian and Kaelynn, best friends from ages 1-5 years old.

Madison loved paddle boarding

Amazing views

Christian surfing

Such exotic scenery!

Me and my good friend, Kimberly

Robert is such a natural at water sports

Me and my girl

Hunter, fishing with friends

Elisabeth with her new friend, Sara

Ashton searching for shells

The whole group

Hunter got up wake boarding on his very first try!

And what would a family trip be without some fighting?!

E. wearing Robert's hat and glasses

10 Sure Ways to Raise a Spoiled Child

I admit that my children live a very charmed life. Their Dad is a successful dentist which has provided them with all of their needs, some of their wants, and a multitude of opportunity. Because of this, I have always been very cognizant of the temptation to spoil them.  I have tried VERY very hard to make them work for things they desire, and also to allow them to work simply because they are a member of the family without monetary compensation. They have never received an allowance for their chores, but are required to do household jobs up and beyond the regular ones to earn money towards things they want.  Every family trip we have taken, we have required them to save up and contribute to paying their way.  If there is anything I am razor consistent in and deliberate in teaching, it is hard work and a sense of gratitude for what they have.  Still, with all of this desire and forethought on my part to rear "non-spoiled" children, I still remain hypersensitive to them becoming inadvertently spoiled and entitled.  I found this article recently to be an accurate gauge of everything NOT to do.  What I realized in reading about this topic is that spoiling a child has much more to do with failing to teach them discipline, a work ethic, and respect for others versus just simply having been raised in a home with money.  I don't think that money and opportunity, in and of themselves, result in entitled and spoiled children.  In fact, I have known several children with very spoiled and entitled attitudes that have been raised in somewhat poor circumstances.  A lot of the very poorest in our American society possess an acutely entitled attitude towards government handouts which again represents that even when having only the basics to sustain oneself, without the requirement of having to earn it, spoiled attitudes can result.

 
10 Ways to Raise a Spoiled Child

When you picture a spoiled child, you may think of a kid with a house full of extravagant toys. But child discipline experts say it's behaviors — not possessions — that define the spoiled child.

“A spoiled child is one who’s demanding, self-centered, and unreasonable,” says Harvey Karp, MD. “There is a seed of discontent that you sow when you allow a child to be spoiled,” he says. “They’ve used so much manipulation to get what they want, they don’t know when someone is genuinely giving to them.”

1. Making Your Child the Center of the World

Making your child’s wishes the top priority in every circumstance teaches her that the world revolves around her. This could prevent her from learning to consider other people’s needs and desires, says Susan Buttross, MD, chief of the Division of Child Development and Behavioral Pediatrics at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. “Children need to understand give and take,” she tells WebMD. “When take is the only function they know, they tend to be frustrated.”

2. Ignoring Positive Behavior

Today’s busy parents may not notice when children play quietly or stay out of trouble. If you never let them know when you are pleased, Karp says, you miss the opportunity to reinforce positive behavior.

3. Accidently Rewarding Negative Behavior

Karp tells WebMD many parents make the mistake of simultaneously ignoring the positive and rewarding the negative. If you only notice your kids when they whine and cry, you send the message that tantrums and tears are the best way to get your attention.

4. Failing to put Clear Limits on Your Child’s Behavior

If you don’t set and enforce guidelines for good behavior, Buttross says, you’re likely to raise a child who is rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful. Karp adds that young kids are uncivilized by nature — part of your job as a parent is to teach social virtues, such as patience and respect.

5. Not Enforcing Rules Consistently

While some parents fail to set limits, others set “mushy or inconsistent” ones, Karp says. This occurs when you tell your kids, “Don’t do that,” but allow them to do it anyway.  If you don’t enforce rules consistently, you give your child the message that they’re really not that important. And of course what you really want to teach your child is the opposite.

6. Picking Fights You Can’t Win

“You can win the battle of not giving your child candy,” Karp says, so no-candy rules are worth upholding. But there are many other standards that are much harder to enforce — such as making your child eat broccoli. “They can close their mouths or spit it out,” Karp points out. In cases like this, you are destined to lose the battle before it begins. And unfortunately, the consequences of this loss go far beyond wasted broccoli — picking fights you can’t win proves to your kids that they can defy you and get away with it.

7. Not Holding Your Child Accountable

Refusing to hold your child accountable when he does something wrong sends the message that he never makes a mistake, Buttross says. This teaches your child to blame others whenever problems arise. Instead, teach your child the importance of taking responsibility for his own actions and then use firm boundaries to make sure he does so.

8. Giving Your Child Gifts for the Wrong Reasons

What you buy your children is not as important as why, Peters tells WebMD. She cautions against making “unreasonable” purchases, such as buying your child a new bike because she is bored with the one you bought her a few months ago.

Another common mistake is buying out of guilt, Karp says. When a child makes a pitiful face or says, “You’re the worst mother in the world,” this is not the time to buy a gift. Allowing yourself to be manipulated won’t do your kid any favors. She may get what she wants, but her joy will be diminished in knowing that you bought the gift because she goaded you into it.

9. Giving in to Temper Tantrums

Relenting when your child throws a temper tantrum is an extreme form of rewarding negative behavior. It proves to kids that they can get whatever they want by throwing a fit — which is not how things work in the real world.

10. Acting Like a Spoiled Child Yourself

How you interact with your family serves as a model for how your children will behave with others, Karp says. “If you whine and complain in front of [your kids], they will emulate that.” He says the proverb has it right — “They do what you do, not what you say.”

Here are a couple of other quotes I found that I liked on the subject:

--"Spoiled" has more to do with a bad attitude than with privilege and wealth (of stuff, or of attention, or of money). Selfishness and casual cruelty and thoughtlessness are the marks of being spoiled, whether a child has stuff or not. When a poor child is that way, people say "Well what do you really expect? Poor kid has nothing." When a rich child is that way, they say "OH, it's directly attributable to all that STUFF he has."

--“Probably one of the greatest disadvantages that spoiled children face is the fact that they have not learned to work for something that they really want,” Buttross tells WebMD. “There is no work ethic, no lesson to really strive for something.”

--Since spoiled people get what they want through manipulation, they develop “a dysfunctional way of relating to people,” Karp says.

Maintaining a consistent and effective approach to child discipline isn’t easy, but it bestows lifelong benefits. “You raise a child who is loving and self-loving, who empathizes with others, who is honest and not manipulative,” Karp says. “You teach them how to pick their friends and their spouses, because if they learn how respectful people communicate, they’ll look for that in their own relationships.”

--"Deprivation doesn't create appreciation. It creates some or all of desire, neediness, curiosity, fascination, resentment, obsession, anger…"

--Encourage delayed gratification.  Studies show that children and teens who learn to save in the short-term in order to meet a long-term goal tend to make smarter decisions throughout life and achieve higher levels of success and happiness. Impulse spending takes you down the opposite path.

All of this gives me hope that in spite of being raised in an environment of affluence and opportunity, my children still have an equal chance to anyone else's children of being thankful adults who are empathetic to other's needs, and who are capable of being hard workers.  I guess only time will tell whether I succeed in my desire to raise self-sufficient and un-entitled children.