Stream of Consciousness

My mind is muddled.  So many thoughts, so many voices.
I feel the pull between two equally compelling things;

succumbing to age, or fighting it tooth and nail?
a liberal left and and an equally liberal right.  I'm always wondering, where is reason?
it's all so confusing--every voice is loud and seems to KNOW.  But I can't hear my own
voice...

I want to hang on to the past and the present.  My children are innocent lambs but I wonder
how long this can last?  As much as I would love to dwell in this bubble, I am forced to
wage a war for them and with them on this evil world.  It makes me so angry!  It makes me feel overwhelmed at the prospect of arming them for the battle that is ahead.

pulled between obligations to others and responsibilities to my family.  And then where
do I fit in between these?  Is there even room?

I want to enjoy life and find joy in it, but there is always that distant, yet familiar voice in my head:  Beware!  And Prepare!  My mind is never at rest.  Always restless, always anxiety.

I feel constantly drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  But yet everyday, one foot must be placed in front of the other.  Most of every accomplishment in the day is done by sheer will power and strength beyond my own.  The hardship of enduring to the end should be addressed more.

Political divisiveness wears on me.  Glenn Beck, Jon Stewart, George W. Bush, Barrack Obama, Republicans, Democrats.  All confused, confusing, and disappointing.  I feel like if I don't hate one side or the other, I am evil.  Why does everyone seem like they know where the truth lies when everyone we get our news from is motivated by self-interest, greed, money, and fame?  They are all extremists to me.   I don't trust ANYONE's political opinions.

I think we are fighting a war that should have never been started and will never be won.  Or am I supposed to think that America is doing the "noble" thing?  So many people dying, so much money spent and no end in sight.  Is it worth it if the goal is unattainable??  When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die...

Sometimes I sit in church and think, "I can't believe they belong to the same church that I do" because others' interpretation of doctrine is so different than my own.  It seems like even within our church, everyone is still living their own religion.

Living in the world, but not of it.  Much easier said than done.

Sex and money.  The whole world revolves around them and seems to be warped by them.  I concur with my mom's opinion that our bodies should all be made of smooth surfaces with no private parts.  Maybe that would solve the world's preoccupation with sex.

It bothers me that there is so much emphasis placed on "sons" or "daughters" of God.  Can't I just be His child?  I don't know why this bothers me.

So many people around me are so beautiful and well kept.  I feel so much pressure to keep up!  Sometimes I wish I could just be fat, ugly, and happy about it.  HAHAHA!

Sometimes I wish I could just be a child again with no responsibilities.  I'm in way over my head...

Seize the Day

My life has totally change since school has started for the kids.  Three times a week, I have 2 1/2 hours to myself.  Usually I spend this time cleaning the house, grocery shopping, doing laundry, running errands, or exercising.  But this week, I've done something I've never done before and I feel a little guilty about it, but I'm just going to say it; I enjoyed myself.  That's right.  On TWO days this week, I did nothing for my kids, or for the house.  Here are my adventures:

On Tuesdays, Robert normally doesn't work.  But I usually don't see him much because he fills his time doing work-related things such as taking care of our rental properties, or getting the financial statements up to date.  Instead of working, we decided to get the camera and walk all through beautiful downtown Farmington, taking pictures of gorgeous old maple trees and charming houses built in the 1800s.  The day was spectacular.  We even stopped at this Italian bakery that we had never been to before and the baker was just taking fresh bread out of the oven.  We of course had to buy some and it was heavenly.  There really is no one I'd rather spend my time with than Robert.


This year, I have done a lot of hiking.  For me, the outdoors is healing, cathartic, peaceful, spiritual, and the place where I feel most at home.  About a week ago, Robert and I tried to hike up to Flag Rock in Farmington because my sister Kristen had done it, but somewhere along the way, we got off the trail and ended up scaling the mountain holding onto roots so as not to slide down the mountain.  Well, there's nothing that gives me more determination than being thwarted in my efforts to do something.  So today, instead of doing dishes, laundry, etc. I decided to make it to the top of Flag Rock, come hell or high water.  It was very steep and I took a couple of wrong turns, but I made it!  The whole mountain was red and orange with leaves and when I got to the top, I could see from Ogden down to Point of the Mountain.  It was just me at the very top, with the only sound being the flag flapping in the wind.

Here are some pictures from my adventures:
(the ones from my hike were taken by my phone, so quality is lower)

old Farmington

Who wouldn't want this to be their window??

Hike picture--a tunnel of leaves

I want this tree--and tire swing.

And I MADE it!!

Nearing the top--incredible views

I would love to go back in time to when this was planted.

Sun coming up to warm me.

Older homes have so much character.

Reality Bites--Especially on Sunday

You know it's going to be a typical Sunday when...

*It's the only day of the week your children choose to sleep in and you must wake ALL 5 up from deep slumbers.  WHY?!!

*I wake up with a headache.

*It takes two of you to sit on the youngest child in order to dress him because of his kicking and flailing.

*Two children must be carried out to the car like footballs because they are having major temper tantrums and refusing to walk by themselves.

*I am intermittently "shhhh-ing" Robert (who is yelling) as we load into the car to leave so as not to alert the neighbors to possible abuse at the Flynn home.

*There are threats of bodily harm before entering church.  (I won't say to whom OR from whom)

*We take our seats in the far reaches of the cultural hall in an attempt to spare ourselves any more loss of dignity from misbehaving children.

*Robert (who is usually the mature one) grabs the youngest 10 minutes into the meeting and opts to walk the halls instead of having to listen to the very dry sacrament speakers.

*The other 4 children, who I am left with because Robert has fled will not stop playing, fighting, touching each other, etc. so I have to get out my "super-secret pinchers."

*I add myself to the kids' rotation cycle of taking turns getting a drink of water and going to the restroom during the meeting in order to make the time pass more quickly.

*During a wonderful and spiritual lesson in Relief Society on repentance, my mind wanders back and forth between how I wish I had the time to repent, and how I couldn't believe everyone in that room had had sex at one time or another.  I know, I'm evil.

*After church, not having the strength to fight with children who don't want to have quiet time in their rooms, I opt to lock them all out of the house for 2 hours in order to get some peace and quiet.

*It ends up being ROBERT who gets in trouble for continually entering my room and interrupting my alone time.

*When the kids ask for dinner, I say "You need to eat again?!"  It's definitely a cold cereal night.

*Trying to salvage part of the day, I suggest we take the kids to the park.  Even I am surprised to hear myself say, "Daddy and I are going to lay on our blanket and watch you play, but please don't ask us to participate."

*We get home from the park and immediately put a movie on for the kids which is against Sunday rules, but we don't care.

*The kids all put themselves to bed without the usual nightly rituals because Robert and I are so exhausted and sick of parenting.

Just when I thought Sunday was a TOTAL waste and Robert and I just weren't cut out for parenting, I saw this:

I don't know if you can see this very well, but every week Hunter has to account for reading minutes.  He put that the book he had read last week was the Book of Mormon and under "literature genre", he wrote "TRUE."  And that made Sunday all worth it.

Madison Reflections 2010

This is a movie Madison and Robert made together for her entry in the "Reflections" contest at school.  The theme was "Together We Can".  Madison worked really hard on it and learned quite a bit about movie making and photography from Robert.  It took over 300 individual pictures to make this movie and many hours on the computer.  I'm very proud of Madison's finished product!  Enjoy, and be sure to turn up the volume!

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

Last Monday for family night, we went to Gardner's Village to see their amazing witch displays.  We split up into boys against girls and did a scavenger hunt (which you can print up on their website) to find 20 different witches throughout the village.  The girls won of course and afterwards we had brownies and hot chocolate at the "Naborhood Bakery".  I recently put up my Halloween decorations and I posted some pictures of some of my favorite ones.  How I love Halloween!

HAHAHAHA!!!

This is what certain members of my family do while I am away.Yes, I am proud of my "special" husband.

Mom, you are the best!

Click on arrows to play videos.

A Green Belt, a New Hat, and a Funeral

Hunter earns his green belt at tae kwon do

He broke 3 boards all together!

Madison can't stand having her picture  taken so it's hard to get her to smile, but she's sooo photogenic!

This past week, Robert's grandpa Tate passed away.  Grandpa Tate had been a pioneer in his field of electrical engineering, traveled the world, served SIX missions for his church, been a bishop, and been highly educated at MIT.  However, what I was struck by at his funeral was that in the end, it was the influence he had on his wife and children that was most important, and most remembered.  I am sure that he has touched many, many people's lives throughout his 85 years on earth, but all of this pales to the involvement and influence he had on his family's life.  And the thing that he seemed to excel at, as I listened to each of his 7 children speak, was the way in which he treated his wife, his queen, throughout his whole life.  It reaffirmed to me how much we spend our time doing that which is inconsequential or of less importance.  Good, better, and best.  There are many things we can spend our lives doing that are good, some that are better, and few that are best.  Giving our time, energy, love, and life to our spouse and children is definitely best.  Grandpa Tate was a wonderful example of this and part of his legacy is that his grandson, Robert (and I am sure many others of his posterity) has chosen to live his life this way as well.  And I feel so blessed.

Nadine and Willard Tate