Remarkable

Sometimes what's even more inspirational than seeing someone reach great heights, is witnessing someone get up and keep going in spite of hardship.  I was reminded of this truth yesterday when I took my daughter Madison in to get evaluated for learning disabilities.  Her struggles to learn have been pervasive and consistent throughout her whole life.  We have spent countless hours with her for many years, trying to help her learn, many times there has been extreme frustration and tears.  We hesitated getting her tested over the years because we decided that it was best to not place so much emphasis on grades and labeling her and thought that this might call even more attention to her inabilities instead of focusing on her wonderful abilities.  But at her recent request, we decided to go ahead with testing.  The conversation between the psychologist and Madison went something like this:

Doctor:  "It must be really frustrating to put in so much effort and continually not do well on tests.  Do you ever wake up and dread school?"

Madison:  "Sometimes I'm so excited to go to school because of my friends that I wake up extra early!"

Doctor:  "Do you ever feel like giving up when things are so hard for you at school?"

Madison:  "No, I've never thought about giving up."

Doctor:  "How would you rate your happiness with your life?"

Madison:  "A perfect 10."

At this point, the doctor looks over at me and says, "You do realize how remarkable your daughter is, right?  You almost never see a child with learning disabilities like she has that remains happy, hopeful, and well adjusted."

I had to really get ahold of myself in an effort not to tear up at that point.  Madison has watched her older brother get awards and accolades and straight A's her whole life and somehow, she is proud of him and doesn't ever let it get her down.  She has watched her sister skip a grade and her younger brother easily glide through school with minimal effort.  For as proud of Christian as I am for all of his incredibly hard work day in and day out to achieve great things academically, I am equally proud of Madison for her perseverance and positive disposition in the face of difficult obstacles.  And I am reminded once again why I love being a mother so much:  They teach me more than I could ever hope to teach them.  I am so inspired by them.  Even in their imperfections, they are perfect to me.

Parenting Manifesto

I have recently discovered an author named Brene Brown whose thoughts about vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame really resonate with me.  I saw an interview by Oprah with her where she read a parenting manifesto that I LOVED and thought I would share it.  It probably comes closest to mirroring my own beliefs on parenting.

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

*Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and loveable.

*You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

*I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

*You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

*We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

*We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

*You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

*I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

*I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

*When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

*Together we will cry and face fear and grief.  I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

*We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other.  No matter what, you will always belong here.

*As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

*I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

Beautiful, isn't it?  I think I'll have to print it up and put it on the door to the garage so my children can see it every day.

I also recently read another parenting strategy that believes that the relationship between the parent and the child is paramount. Of course it is, you may say, but I mean more important than behavior, it is more important than external success, it is more important than “socialization” or education.  In other words, choose nothing over the relationship with your child and that is the most effective way to guide them and have them listen to us and value our desires for them.  Interestingly enough, studies have found that children who love their parents, who feel they can rely upon them and trust them, are the easiest to parent.  I find this fascinating since there are so many auxiliary things that our children may think that we value more than them because of what our actions say about what we truly value.  I'm going to have to think more about this for sure.  And as with every parenting strategy, much easier said than done.