HELP

It is extremely hard for me to ever accept help, to say the least. I guess part of me figures that the person who has volunteered is just trying to be nice or has good intentions, but doesn't really want to help. However, it has recently occurred to me that I might be short-changing myself and them by always refusing help.

Let me first off tell you about our day at church last week. To be honest, it really wasn't out of the ordinary, except that the only seats that were available when we arrived were on the THIRD row from the front. Usually, we are camped out on the hard, uncomfortable seats in the cultural hall so as to not reveal what hideous beasts my children can sometimes be. Let me paint the picture: Madison and Hunter were laughing uncontrollably about who knows what and had to have their seating rearranged 3 times. Elisabeth was being mean and stubborn and insisting upon going home very loudly and as always, feeling like the whole world was against her. Then I look over and Ashton is on Hunter's back while Hunter is trying desperately to buck him off, only to have Ashton start punching Hunter wildly. Of course I am trying to hold it together being the picture of serenity, patience, and sweetness, with a celestial smile plastered to my face, while simultaneously having grand dreams of being able to kick them all to the moon. Both Robert and I ended up in the hall with the 2 youngest because both were too much to handle for one person, leaving Christian there who felt the need to "discipline" the remaining children. Of course after the meeting, we got several ward members expressing how they remember those days, and each was being so understanding and nice about the whole thing. Later on that day, my neighbor Greg cornered Robert and insisted upon helping with the two youngest so that Robert and I could enjoy the next week's meeting. Not only was he genuine in his offering, but he followed up 2 times during the week, asking what each child liked to eat and play with. Robert and I talked about how nice his offer was, but that we would probably be embarrassed further if we allowed him to help. But then I stopped myself and asked, "Why not?" He seemed genuine and non-judgmental and it would really be nice to sit through a whole meeting. So . . . we took him up on it. After taking the sacrament, he walked back to our row and picked up Ashton and carried him out, kicking and screaming for dear life. Greg had come prepared though--he had brought snacks and Ashton's favorite thing to color--Lightening McQueen cars. Somehow, he got Ashton to stop screaming and played and colored with him the rest of the meeting. Yes, it felt totally foreign and slightly uncomfortable to me to accept help, but how I enjoyed my sacrament meeting and I even think we are closer friends now that we have allowed him to really get to know us.

There are many people who WANT to WANT to help, but so few that just jump in there and do it with a cheerful and genuine attitude. I am so thankful for my neighbor who didn't judge us, but just wanted to make our day a little bit better. And he did. And I realized that it's selfish to only allow myself to help others, and to never be in the other position of accepting help.

Engagement photos, and other ramblings

Last week I was able to take engagement photos for a dear, sweet older couple who will be sealed this week in the Salt Lake Temple. Sharon, the bride, has been through a hideous divorce and Jay has been single many years after the death of his wife. I was genuinely touched and inspired by their "sparkle" for one another and I was reminded how beautiful love can be and how you can just SEE it in someone's eyes when they look at their spouse. It reminded my of being in the temple doing a session with Robert many years back. He was sitting to my right, a couple of rows in front of me and he kept turning to look at me and smile. One of the temple matrons commented to me after, "Boy, you can really tell he loves you!" How I hope we can always be like that! Here are a few pictures of Sharon and Jay so you can see the "sparkle" for yourselves:

I've been thinking lately about much I have evolved over the last several years. In some ways it might not be for the best and maybe I even have more flaws, but because I am more loving and accepting towards myself, I am able to offer this to others as well. I feel so much more calm and peaceful inside because less of my time is consumed with, "Why can't I be more like ______?" or beating myself up with things I did or didn't do. And you know what? I have found that instead of alienating others with my honesty about flaws, I have discovered that people have been drawn towards me. I used to think that by portraying this "perfect" persona, people would want to be my friend, but it was really just the opposite. Friends for a while, seemed like a burden to me because it took up too much energy to keep up my "perfection" facade. Now I am surrounded by amazing friends who are true and fun, and wonderfully flawed like me. I feel like instead of living the law of scarcity, I am living the law of abundance. I used to believe that by admitting that someone else was talented, or beautiful, or a wonderful mother, that it took something away from me--like they were the winner and therefore, I was the loser. I know-- so psychotic, but as I have come to accept myself, I feel like I can freely give without it taking away from who I am; there is no cap on love, talent, beauty, etc. We can all be anything we strive to be, and if others' strive for the same things, the world is all the more better.

*I have also included some recent pictures of the kiddies.

MIRACLE

I have followed the tragedy of this family over the past month, which has touched me to the core. You MUST watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfAKoFzYwzE

Click on link above to view--

Three

Besides the fact that both my computer and camera have been at the shop being fixed, the thought of writing about my BABY TURNING 3 has been hard for me. I've been sort of lost in time all week, thinking about all of my precious memories of having my 5 babies. The only thing I am left with is the trite phrase, "Where has the time gone?!" I always took it to heart when older women of my ward would say how fast the time goes, and then your children are grown and gone. Because of this, I have always strived to live in the moment and be conscious of each special event and grateful for each one that comes. Well, now my youngest is 3 and in spite of trying to hold onto every moment, the time still feels like it is slipping away from me faster than I want it to. I still really don't have closure on the fact that my older kids are transitioning into pre-teens and my younger children aren't babies anymore, but I do know I have a heart incredibly full of gratitude because I truly feel I have had the joy of 1000 lifetimes with them.

For Ashton's birthday we went to the Kangaroo Zoo as a family. Like a typical 3 year old, Ashton was grumpy with over stimulation, but at this point in my life, even that was endearing. He received many trains and cars which he simply cannot get enough of and was surrounded by his 4 other siblings who think he is the cutest, funniest person in the whole world.

I guess that since he is now officially 3, I need to start potty-training him. You'd think I would have the hang of teaching this the 5th time around, but I don't and none of my kids have been easy to potty train. With my first, I read every book I could get my hands on and used elaborate charts, treats, toys, and encouragement to get him to want to be potty trained. Well, at 4 1/2 and the prospect of not being able to start kindergarten, I finally had to hold him down on the toilet for an hour while he kicked and screamed that I was "killing him." And, he finally went and was potty trained from that day on, with me having done everything on the books "not to do list." So the other day, I found myself offering my two oldest $25 if they could potty train Ashton. I can't believe that I have been changing diapers for almost 14 years!!!