On the topic of Beauty

Having two daughters and being a female myself, I am keenly aware of the pressures to look a certain way and have felt the strain of how other's perceive me based on how I look.  Because of this, I have wrestled with the beauty complex and what I want to teach my girls about outward beauty, especially since the messages from society are so strong.  I have wanted to be deliberate in defining beauty for my girls (and sons for that matter) and in teaching them how I believe it should be properly valued in life.  It's hard to know with a child whether their own behavior early on towards "feminine" things is their own nature, or whether they are being socialized towards certain behaviors.  It's a very hard balancing act indeed.  For example, it stressed me out for a few years when Madison cared nothing about her physical appearance and seemed to want desperately to be a boy.  I had to exert quite a lot of self control in not trying to change her into my ideal for her, and also in attempting to understand if there was a reason behind this behavior, or if it was just her personality.  I admit that when she off-handedly suggested that maybe she could get some highlights in her hair, one of her first signs of caring about her appearance, I jumped on it and by the end of the day, she was styled and highlighted!  Then there is my other daughter who is almost too honed in to her appearance, wants to wear makeup at age 8, and is very conscious of style.  I have attempted to put the brakes on her desires to wear makeup and emulate her much older pop idol, Taylor Swift.  And then there's my own grapple with beauty; since I was such a late bloomer, I didn't feel good about my appearance for many years.  The upside was that I learned to value myself according to my talents and character instead of my outward appearance at a fairly young age.  The downside I suppose, was the low self esteem from how I looked, and then a subsequent slight preoccupation with how I looked for a few years to make up for those earlier years.  I think I have finally balanced it out now.

It was in my BYU class, "Sex and Gender in Society" that I began to really be concerned about what society teaches girls about themselves and life.  Take for example many of the older Disney stories; again and again a beautiful girl is rescued by her prince and lives happily ever after.  Princesses, in our common discourse, are pretty much all about beauty, polite manners, and wealth. They are generally the prize for men in some lusty competition or another. They are the pinnacle of elegance and beauty, but what does any of this have to do with our self-worth? And do we really want to teach our girls that being rescued by a man will lead them to living happily ever after?   If our self-worth is bound up in such shallow notions, we’ve got a lot of work to do. The messages now have since changed a bit in regard to Disney movies, and I am appreciative of that.  In the recent movie "Brave", a spirited girl is being forced by her Queen mother to choose a husband even though she feels she is not ready.  This causes problems between her and her mother, but the plight is ultimately solved when the mother realizes her daughter wants to do things in her own time and accepts her for who she is.

This Strawberry Shortcake doll was what I used to play with.

This is what today's girls want to play with.

In our house, we don't allow these types of dolls, or any Barbie-type figured dolls.  If someone were to ask my 8 year old why she didn't have any Barbies, she would say (because I've overheard her say), "Because my mom doesn't want me to think that's how girls are supposed to look."  It's not that I think that people who let their girls play with these types of dolls are making the wrong choice, it's just one thing I decided to take a stand against a long time ago, and have managed to stick with. The American Psychological Association recently stated that:  Research evidence shows that the sexualization of girls by means of advertising, merchandising, and media negatively affects girls and young women across a variety of health domains:

Cognitive and Emotional Consequences: Sexualization and objectification undermine a person's confidence in and comfort with her own body, leading to emotional and self-image problems, such as shame and anxiety.

Mental and Physical Health: Research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women--eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood.

Sexual Development: Research suggests that the sexualization of girls has negative consequences on girls' ability to develop a healthy sexual self-image.

On the subject of dolls the APA states, "It is worrisome when dolls designed specifically for 4- to 8-year-olds are associated with an objectified adult sexuality. The objectified sexuality presented by these dolls, as opposed to the healthy sexuality that develops as a normal part of adolescence, is limiting for adolescent girls, and even more so for the very young girls who represent the market for these dolls."

I don't necessarily think wanting to be beautiful is a bad thing and I, myself, love new clothes, makeup and working out to be healthy and look fit.  It only becomes unfortunate when a female is valued by others according to her beauty or lack of, and learns to value herself in this way as well.  Women don’t necessarily feel good or bad about themselves because of physical traits. Women who are content with themselves, are content because they have something else to offer; they have goals, aspirations, hopes, desires, dreams, talents and other attributes that make them contributing members of society. They don’t define themselves by their appearance. Beauty is often defined in how others perceive us outwardly, but value or worth should be defined in our relationship to God and our confidence in our inward traits. One we can never fully win, the other we can never fully lose. One is temporal and fleeting, the other inherent and eternal. Maybe the one important difference is this: all of us have qualities that are intrinsically valuable, while only some of us have qualities that are intrinsically beautiful.  Beauty is largely a matter of luck, but every daughter of God has worth and value. So we can have legitimate self-confidence in our good qualities, once we recognize them, while unwarranted self-confidence in our physical appearance is delusional and hollow.  For this reason, I try and concentrate on telling my girls regularly that they are strong, smart, good, and talented, and tell them less often that they are pretty or beautiful.  I remind them frequently that it's nice to pretty, but it's better to be kind.

Last year, Forbes magazine ranked Salt Lake City, Utah as the vainest city in the United States.  http://www.forbes.com/2007/11/29/plastic-health-surgery-forbeslife-cx_rr_1129health_slide_2.html
Yes, Salt Lake City has more plastic surgeons per capita than any other US city and spends more money on beauty products annually than any other city in the nation.  If you live in Utah, I am sure you have seen the plethora of billboards advertising plastic surgery.  I admit to being a subscriber to this mentality because I don't see anything wrong with plastic surgery, especially for women who have had several children.  Media influences play on the natural desires of women to want to be beautiful and attract male attention. Contrary to the idea put forth that advertisers are trying to get women to want to look a certain way, marketing techniques simply take advantage of women’s own existing vanity, I believe. The idea that a beautiful woman is all men want is ingrained in our culture. This Forbes study could be an indicator that either:

*Utah/Mormon culture makes girls and women more susceptible to media messages.
*Mormon girls and women are receiving messages about what it means to be beautiful from influences         besides media.
*A combination of media influence and Mormon religious culture compound to make a bigger impact on girls and women about how to be beautiful and desirable.
* It could mean nothing more than SLC has lots of plastic surgeons.

I also take issue with the way in which Mormon culture teaches girls and women to value beauty.  I cringe when I hear the term, "Modest is Hottest" which is sort of a newer term aimed at encouraging girls to desire to be modest; if you are modest, boys will think you are hot.  In my view, the emphasis of modesty should not be tied to "hotness" or beauty, only to dignity.  Why not be modest as a form of self-respect, instead of to be an object, even in your modesty, of someone else's lustful desires?  The unintended consequences of a what I view to be an over emphasis with modesty results in the the complete opposite result intended:  a preoccupation on girl's and women's bodies, which I adamantly do not want for my daughters.  Many discussions of modesty, from diverse cultural or religious perspectives, revolve around the idea of keeping sinful and unholy female bodies and body parts from the gaze of others — particularly men. This privileges the male gaze, in a backward sort of way, and puts females at a disadvantage for being the ones in control of what others think or feel when seeing their bodies. When we speak of modesty strictly in terms of covering our bodies from the sexual gaze of others, we are keeping the level of discourse at the shallow waters of women and girls as bodies alone. We have very little control of what other people think when they look at us.  If we are teaching the girls in our lives that the primary objective of modesty is to keep themselves covered so boys and men don’t think sexual thoughts about them, then we are teaching girls they are responsible for other peoples’ thoughts and they are primarily sexual objects in need of covering.  Ever once in a while, I remind my son that HE is the guardian of his own virtue and no girl is responsible for keeping him morally clean and I tell my daughter that modesty is important, but even so, she is not responsible for the sins of her male counterparts.  No girl or woman’s body is sinful simply by existing, and no one should be taught that.  Modesty, as an ideal, can be about so much more than shaming females into covering up.  Modesty can be a powerful concept when we believe we are more than bodies.  And when you believe you are more than a body – that you are capable of more than being looked at and you can do more than work on perfecting your parts – then you might dress differently than someone who perceives her value comes from her appearance, or the amount of attention she gets from men. Someone who sees herself as a capable and powerful person with a body that can help her achieve great things might act differently than someone who exists solely to look “hot.” She’ll treat her body differently and think about it differently. If you believe your power comes from your words, your unique contributions, your mind, your service, then you don’t need to seek attention and power by emphasizing your parts and minimizing yourself to your body.  Boy oh boy could I go on and on and on about this topic!

As I watch each of my girls navigate the joys and pitfalls of growing into young women, I feel the need more and more lately to not just let them be unguarded in the influences they are exposed to all around them, but to at least have my voice heard among the rest.  What I want them to know most is that they are more than a body and their value should come from the content of their character.  Spending an exorbitant amount of time dwelling on one's body, even if it is in the name of modesty, takes away from what our true nature and purpose is.  If they can learn to value themselves according to their talents, relationships, service to others, and be good stewards of their bodies out of respect for themselves, it won't matter what anyone else in society has to say.

The Losing Streak

You maybe remember my post last year (http://4peanutsandacashew.blogspot.com/2011/11/sometimes-once-year-feels-like-too-much.html) about the horrific embarrassment I seem to encounter every year at tithing settlement, and this year seems to be no exception to our losing streak.  Here's the run down.

I enter the room tentatively, eyeing the cabinet that Elisabeth bashed in last year during tithing settlement.  Yep, still bashed in.  I take my seat thinking, the kids are one year older, there's no way it could be as bad as last year!  Alas, I should have known things were going to be bad when we arrived and had 20 minutes to burn before it was our turn and the kids were feeding off each other's hyper-ness, at one point all geting banished to their own corner in the foyer.

*The Bishop begins by trying to take an interest in each of our children, asking them about the significance of their middle names.  Madison thinks Emma Smith, who she was named after, is Joseph Smith's sister and then can't stop laughing at her blunder.  When I berate her in the car afterwards for not knowing who she was named after, she exclaims, "You never taught me!"  Yes, never missing one week of family night has really paid off.

*Hunter, for whatever reason, when asked questions publicly just smiles and chooses not to respond.  I nudge him gently, "Hunter, that's you he's talking to."  "Oh, what was the question?" he asks.

*Ashton has meanwhile turned into "Rain Man", exhibiting some sort of jarbled, strange language with no meaning and contorting his body and face.  At one point, the Bishop asks him a question and he chooses to lift his legs up to the ceiling and spread them into the splits.  I grab him to sit on my lap and give him an awesome pinch that makes me feel just a little better about the situation.  I frantically whisper, "Act normal!  Just stare at the wall!"  Because sitting still seems to be normal behavior for every other 5 year old except mine.  He wiggles out of my grasp and lays down in the middle of the floor doing a snow angel for us all.  I am thinking that if I didn't know him, I would think half of his brain was missing.

*I am sweating and in absolute emotional pain from the desperateness of wanting to get out of there, but it's not over yet.  We have blown our cover as a semi-normal family, and for that I am mad.  I trade off giving each child the evil eye and for some reason this eggs them on into more hysterical laughter because they know my hands are tied.  They are all talking and laughing and it feels like the whole room is vibrating with their energy.  I hear certain references being bantered about by Robert and the Bishop about Benadryl for hyper active kids and how we will miss these days someday.  Boy, I can't wait to miss them!

*The kids are offered a piece of candy from the Bishop for their not-so-great performance.  They forage through the basket like rabid squirrels--because what they really need after their manic behavior is MORE SUGAR.

*As I walk out and see my reflection in the glass door, I notice that I forgot to change out of my long garments when I put on a dress quickly before we left and they are now about 3 inches below my dress line.  Good thing I waved and smiled really big to the next waiting family!

Indeed, even once a year is too often for some things.

But, they are pretty darn cute.

By Their Fruits

The other day, I overheard a comment and subsequent interpretation of the scripture, "Ye shall know them by their fruits."  (3 Nephi 14:16)  The interpretation was used to bolster the thought that another person was making wrong choices and therefore their fruits would surely be shown to be deficient in the future.  It really got me thinking about the topic so I thought I would write about it.

First of all, after looking the scripture reference up, I found that this scripture was originally meant to be used in regard to identifying false prophets.  The question is, can the metaphor be extended to include people's individual lives, which it seems to be more often than not referenced to?  For me, the problem with this extrapolation is fraught with many undesirable conclusions:

*First, since we are all imperfect beings, don't we all bear some fruits that are good and others that aren't so good?  Taking stock of my own life, I can clearly see that overall I have good fruits, but with a more critical eye, not-so-good fruits can also be seen.  Even if you look at someone who is a product of big bad Hollywood for example, you can see that their fruits are a mixed bag; they are immoral according to our standards, but they also give millions of dollars to help the starving and oppressed in 3rd world countries.  Are you willing to be in the position to say they are unequivocally entirely bad, with no good in the mix?  Can Oprah, for example, be dismissed as someone who has not been truly great because she has chosen not to marry her partner of 30 years?  I have heard this done many times.  To me, this is black and white thinking, which possesses simpler rules for framing the world in a way which some can understand, but to me contains much less compassion and evolved reasoning.

*For parents, and mothers in particular, children either "turning out" right, in relation to LDS standards especially, or not turning out is often used as a measuring stick for the parent's righteousness.  I have seen this “know them by their fruits” defense used in relation to a variety of parenting styles and family configurations in real life.  However, it seems to me that judging one’s merits or successes as a parent based on the actions of another individual just doesn’t make sense.  It flies in the face of our doctrine on agency as well as scriptural teachings about parenting.  Section 68 declares that the duty of a parent is to teach, not to ensure the outcome of another’s life choices.  Who is a successful LDS parent then? I just can’t believe that I can put my feet up and relax when the last child is delivered to the bride’s or groom's room in the Salt Lake temple for instance. While it is tempting to set our sights on a checklist of events or our kids' characteristics, I am more inclined to believe that a better measurement is how my heart is with my child and with my God.  Is my love unfeigned?  Am I long suffering and gentle and meek in raising my children?  Do I recognize that I can still “lovingly” coerce even for the best of causes?  Fruits like these are much harder to see from an outsider's perspective, so perhaps it's an extrapolation we shouldn't be willing to make.  Undeniably, there is something to the idea that “good parents produce good kids”.  But the bottom line is that even if all 2000 of the stripling warriors ran away like cowards, feared death or had other doubts, if their mothers' actions had remained the same, they still would have been “good” mothers. To think otherwise, seems to place a difficult and unnecessary burden on parents that even our Father in Heaven doesn’t assume.  After all, even ⅓ of our Heavenly Father's children did not choose His plan.  Is He a bad parent, possessing bad fruits because of the choices of His children?  Certainly not.

*If you read the entire chapter in which this verse is found (3 Nephi Chapter 14), you will find that the verse about fruits is preceded by equally imperative verses on not judging:  "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged . . ."  Also found are the timeless verses on hypocrites, admonishing them to "first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of the brother's eye."  Lastly, we find the scriptures, " . . . all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them . . ."  So apparently, along with looking at another's fruits in order to know them, we should carefully balance that admonition with judging in a way that we would want to be judged and not being hypocrites in excusing our own weaknesses, yet still finding other's faults.  Also, it is human nature to cherry pick one scripture we personally view as important, but not equally weigh the value of competing scriptures on the same topic.  For instance, sometimes the evils of "intellectuals" is harped on, but the equally compelling statement "The glory of God is intelligence" is not as often balanced in consideration of the pitfalls of obtaining knowledge.

*What should be considered as "fruits?"  Everyone's interpretation of which fruits are important to manifest is different.  For me, outward accomplishments of myself as well as my children, pale in substance to the root of where it stems from.  For example, it wouldn't make me feel like an accomplished person if I jumped through all the hoops of the Mormon to-do list, but failed to have a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father.  The same goes for the desires I have for my children.  Sometimes the "hoops" are representative of personal conviction, but occasionally they are not.  In addition, I don't think life is all about making only "right" choices, and sometimes we just need to be patient with what another person's learning process is.  I admit that it is difficult to see another person floundering through life (in our view) especially as their choices negatively affect others in their life.  But I still choose to believe in redemption and that all can be made right, eventually, through the atonement.

*Maybe "Judge them by their fruits" is for judging whether a prophet is of God, but for ourselves the scripture "By this shall men know ye are my disciples, if he have love one for another" is a more accurate yard stick for where our hearts truly are.

So what I am left to conclude after much reflection is that perhaps the scripture  "Judge them by their fruits" is being used in a way that it was never intended; to judge our neighbors.  And even if I am wrong, and that is definitely a possibility, for me in my life, I feel more comfortable using it only in self-reflection of what my own fruits say about my innermost desires.

The Glass Is Have Full

One of my children has been struggling with pessimism lately.  So we talked about the glass being half empty or full analogy, and decided that every night before bed, we would try to think of 3 things that were positive that happened during the day.  In an attempt to help him adjust his mindset, it's made me reflect on my own perspectives, and I realized that I could use a little tweak in the way I see things as well.  One thing that really helped was a letter I received from Margret, the 10 year old girl from Uganda that we sponsored to attend school this year.  The kids all did a myriad of jobs all summer to earn the $250 cost of her schooling, uniform, books, and supplies.  I was really proud of their efforts, but never really thought we would ever hear back from her, but we did!  Here is an excerpt from her letter:

"My lovely parents and family from America, I want to thank you for the love and care you have started showing me and thank you for choosing me, I was really very happy when I received such good news.  Thank you for the good hearts you have, my dear ones.  I love you and will always pray for you.  Thank you for the school fees, and books. I am already at school and I won't have to go back home since you are helping me…I remain your lovely daughter, Margret Nabatanzi"

I was having a not-so-great-day before I received this letter, and the sincerity and humility with which she wrote completely turned my whole week around.  If a girl who has been orphaned and lives in complete poverty can be happy and thankful, so can I.  Thank you, Margret.

 

Embracing My Inner Introvert

I have known for many years that I am an introvert, but it has been only recently that I have realized that it's not something that needs to be hidden or changed in order for me to be a better person.  In fact, accepting and embracing my introversion instead of fighting it gives me more peace and enjoyment in my life.  That's not to say that I can't benefit in pushing myself often to do that which is naturally uncomfortable, just that I have come to realize that being an introvert is not a weakness that needs to be corrected.


Here is a quiz I found to determine whether one is an introvert:

True or False?

1. I prefer one-on-one conversations to group activities.

2. I often prefer to express myself in writing.

3. I enjoy solitude.

4. I seem to care about wealth, fame, and status less than my peers.

5. I dislike small talk, but I enjoy talking in-depth about topics that matter to me.

6. People tell me that I'm a good listener.

7. I'm not a big risk-taker.

8. I enjoy work that allows me to "dive in" with few interruptions.

9. I like to celebrate birthdays on a small scale, with only one or two close friends or family members.

10. People describe me as "soft-spoken" or "mellow."

11. I prefer not to show or discuss my work with others until it's finished.

12. I dislike conflict.

13. I do my best work on my own.

14. I tend to think before I speak.

15. I feel drained after being out and about, even if I've enjoyed myself.

16. I often let calls go through to voice-mail.

17. If I had to choose, I'd prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.

18. I don't enjoy multi-tasking.

19. I can concentrate easily.

20. In classroom situations, I prefer lectures to seminars.

The more you answer "true" to these statements, the higher you rank on the introversion scale.  Here are some things that specifically identify me as an introvert:  (Don't judge me too harshly)

--Every social situation I am invited to be a part of, my mind desperately hopes it is cancelled due to sickness on the part of the host, or inclement weather.  I almost always go anyway and have a wonderful time, it's just not something that I would choose over time alone.

--I get butterflies in my stomach thinking of being completely ALONE for a certain amount of time.  If for some reason that time is thwarted, I am in a baaaaad mood.

--Voicemail is one of my most favorite inventions.  Sometimes I utter silent prayers for someone's voicemail to pick up so I don't have to speak to them personally.

--Being in a room full of loud, talking people can be an almost painful experience for me.  I get a little panicky and quickly look for the nearest exit.

--I absolutely MUST have at least one hour to myself every day or I may go crazy.  Literally.  Sometimes I hide in my closet or bathroom in order to get it.

--I prefer Visiting Teachers and Home Teachers that are there for me in spirit but not physically really there.  

--A surprise party would be my worst nightmare come true.  Really.  I'm not just saying that hoping that someone will still read between the lines and go to the effort of throwing me a surprise party.  I really and truly would be horrified if someone threw me a surprise party.

--I am my own best friend.  Yep, that's right.  Robert is also my best friend, partially because he realizes my introvert needs and allows me a LOT of space without making me feel guilty about it.  

--I am seriously scared of the unannounced, well-intended "pop-in".  I have to work myself up to being social so if it's sprung on me with no prep time, I don't like it.

--Even if I have an absolutely splendid time at a social event, it still drains me somewhat emotionally and usually the next day I feel the need to insure that I don't have to be social in order to "re-group."

There are some advantages to being an introvert, thank goodness.  Here are some that I found while reading up on the topic:

* Work Well With Others, Especially In One-to-One Relationships

* Maintain Long-Term Friendships
* Flexible
* Independent
* Strong Ability To Concentrate
* Self-Reflective
* Responsible
* Creative, Out-of-the-Box thinking
* Analytical Skills That Integrate Complexity
* Studious and Smart

*Aren't likely to invade the boundaries of others. They show restraint in social situations and may wait to be approached before others approach you. They may not be the first person someone meets when they go to a party, but they may be the most interesting once someone gets to know them.

*Less likely to put their foot in their mouth. Because they react slowly to situations as they develop, they're unlikely to commit the kind of social gaffes that people who have a higher reactance can make.

*They can feel inwardly contented without needing to share their pleasure in their outward behavior.

*More likely to enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

You may be thinking like I am right now, how ironic it is that a person that is such an introvert like myself, has FIVE children.  The only way I don't go insane is by structuring our lives together so that I know what to count on as much as possible (schedules that I stick to) and also that I put a high priority on what I need to function at my best (time alone).

My son Hunter is also an introvert.  It can be tempting sometimes to force him to play with friends when he simply wants to be alone at home.  Sometimes as parents we may feel we need to "fix" our introvert child, but I have learned to respect his space, still sometimes trying to encourage him to be social, but never forcing the issue.  The problem is from the moment we wake up to the second we go to sleep, introverts live in an extrovert's world, and there are days when we'd prefer to do nothing more than stay at home. But while our temperaments may partially define us, that doesn't mean we have to be controlled by them--if we can find something or someone that motivates us to push beyond the boundaries of our nerves we can find the will to emerge outside of our comfort zone.  Or maybe on some days, we can just be satisfied with staying completely within our comfort zone and that's okay too.  So, #1.  YES I fully accept that I am an introvert  #2.  It doesn't have to limit me.