Do you see one or both?

What do you see when you first look at this picture?  A young woman?  An old woman perhaps?

Most of us immediately see one or the other.  But when someone informs us that there is another way of looking at the picture, we attune our minds to finding the other view and usually then see the other woman that at first we did not see.  Once you are able to see both the young and the old woman, your view of this picture has been forever changed and there is (hopefully) no going back to seeing only the original view which you saw.

I've been thinking lately about how education is like this analogy, how once you learn a bit of information, if you really grasp it, your mind is enlarged and your outlook is adjusted to compensate for the new information.  Additionally, what happens when you learn information that conflicts so entirely with your original view that it seems the old and the new cannot simultaneously exist in your world, and you then must choose between the two views?  Partially what has made me think about this concept is my recent training as a rape crisis counselor.  We have listened to many various speakers, all coming from differing angles on the same topic:  counselors of the perpetrators, counselors of the victims, law enforcement, lawyers who prosecute these types of crimes, professors of rape psychology, etc.  All of this information has been transformative; I cannot go back to some of my previous misinformed and uniformed ways of thinking.  It has opened my mind to a victim's world that I never really thought much about because I didn't have to.  It has enlarged my thinking in terms of rape myths about the victim and the perpetrator, and how society supports this type of behavior by encouraging damaging stereotypes of men and women.  Being able to see one perspective, the one that naturally comes to us based on our life experiences, is habitual, but being able to see different perspectives regardless of our life experiences is far better, and is in fact what empathy is.

There seems to be a bit of psychology to learning as well.  It is an interesting phenomena when for whatever reason, people refuse to see or don't even want to know if there is more to the picture.  Because it is sometimes uncomfortable to have our thinking challenged, we may even be defensive when we are confronted with information that may change our view or we may resist having to exert the energy to rebalance our old views with the new information.  I have experienced this lately as I have had to employ much effort in changing thinking patterns that I felt were detrimental to my emotional health.  Definitely, it would have been much easier initially to continue banging my head up against the wall wondering why the same behavior patterns weren't resulting in different outcomes, but instead I decided it was worth the effort to forge new and better emotional thinking strategies.  Being conscious of my thoughts on a daily basis, only allowing ones in that would aid my change process, and refusing to let the previous thoughts take seed in my mind, often felt like my mind was training for a marathon.  This process made me cognizant of the tremendous power the mind has to shape our world, but how we usually live our lives in reflex, not fully taking control of all our minds are capable of.  I recently heard this quote in regard to exercise:  “Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!”  I chose to extrapolate meaning to other areas in my life besides exercise.  Learning and seeing the world outside our own is uncomfortable because it can change us forever, but what helps is how we choose to assimilate that new information into our life.  I remember Robert relating a story of an authority figure who came to speak to the missionaries in his area of Cape Verde, Africa while on his mission.  The authority person pointed at the abject poverty on the island and commented that it was "okay" for that to happen because "they were just here to receive bodies."  So instead of widening his mind, allowing the discomfort of human suffering to penetrate into his world view and react with compassion, determining what he could personally do to stop the starvation and suffering, he chose to rationalize it and reduce it.  His other choice could have been to teach the young men serving there to reach out with humility and compassion, with an acknowledgment that all people are worthy of equal consideration and to remember the suffering, so that someday they could perhaps choose to make a difference in other ways besides teaching them the gospel.  We should allow ourselves to feel the discomfort of learning new things that cause our minds to cramp a bit as we consider for a while in what ways we will authorize the new found information to change us.  And then, like physical muscles that grow in response to added strain, our minds, hearts, and spirits are enabled to grow and become stronger.

The real value of our learning is not only in the facts and ideas we have stored away in our memory – it is the knowledge of how to learn, the pattern of thinking and processing that strenuous learning requires. One of my favorite religious intellects notes that it is possible to think too much, but we can never think too well.  An athlete or a dancer, through the repetition of a specific series of movements, will develop a muscle memory, allowing them to make those same movements with greater ease and grace; likewise, serious thinkers develop an intellectual muscle memory, allowing them to process information and ideas with greater ease and dexterity.  But it can atrophy through a lack of use, as an athlete’s muscle can lose its strength.  Socrates famously said that the unexamined life is not worth living. Without that examination of our own lives and their accompanying biases, opinions, views, and experiences, we fall into patterns of behavior that have no meaning — we accept our own nature as inexplicable.

As we learn about ourselves in the wide world, the intellectual skills and instincts we develop serve us well, as long as we have open eyes, open ears and an open mind attempting to see the complexities of life.  But we are also well served by having an open heart, not being afraid to feel.  The strong feelings we have – love, fear, compassion, anger – will help us find truth.  There is much to be learned from the shiver up the spine while listening to music or the innate sense of unfairness when confronted with oppression.  Intellect and emotion need balance – neither should dominate the other.  And the same is true for those who look to spirituality for answers.  It is not easy to balance between the brain, the heart and the spirit – it needs effort and practice – but we need not see them opposing each other, but rather complementing each other.

Weekend Wrap Up

What a weekend.  Saturday morning, we supported my sister Kristen at her first full marathon run.  We were there to cheer her on along the race course and Christian was there as a pacer for the last 4 miles of her race and to help encourage her.  I can't tell you how proud I was of her--and what a major life accomplishment!  Then, I left to go do my certification training as a Rape Crisis Counselor at the domestic violence shelter where I now work.  I recently got a volunteer position 2 days a week working at Safe Harbor Crisis Center and as part of my training, I get to certify as a rape crisis advocate where I am on call during the night for anyone who is raped and needs an advocate with them during their exam and police interviews.  And let me just say that I LOVE IT.  I think I am already seeing that I have a particular interest in women's issues so that might be where I put my emphasis when I graduate.  After the training, I went straight to Christian's friend's house where I took pictures of his group of friends for the Homecoming Dance.  He was so very handsome and it was so fun to see him off to his first dance.  After that, Robert and I took Hunter on a dinner date to thank him for babysitting the younger 2 kids all morning while we were at Kristen's race.  Sunday we decided to go see the Fall colors up at Snowbasin ski resort.  The colors were at their prime.

I love that Christian and Kristen have sort of grown up together.

Someone asked me if he was a Cullen (Twilight character)!

Christian and his date, Alyssa

Christian's dance group.  All such nice kids and regulars at our house.

Rules are made to be broken, right?!

Fall.  My favorite season.

Jazzy was tuckered out from our hike and insisted on being held.

A rare moment of truce for these two.

Last weekend we did a race called The Color Run.  Basically everyone wears white and they pelt you with chalk while you are running.  Afterwards, there is a really fun dance party where the chalk fest continues.  

Nickelodeon was there filming and Madison was determined that this would get her on camera.  And it did!

Us in our whites before the race.

Mads and some of her friends.

Christian and Robert

Chalk fest!

Christian and some of his friends.

I'll Take the Middle Road

Generally speaking, there is a very real human tendency to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs and ignore or discount information that contradicts our current beliefs.  Humans usually seek out literature and TV programs that support their current view; however, they also seek out people that support their current views. Thus, an extreme conservative is more likely to hang out with fellow conservatives. An extreme environmentalist is more likely to seek out fellow environmentalists. This causes two problems: first, it reinforces the information-seeking bias. In other words, friends may point out information that further supports your views and ridicules the other side. The second problem is what I call the "everybody thinks the way I do" phenomena. When you only hang out with people that believe what you do and don't hang out with people that have contradictory beliefs, you tend to believe that everyone shares the same opinions.  It's just human nature and we all do it, but being conscious of and realizing that the biased seeking out of information just leads us to become more and more extreme in our thinking, seeking out more information that supports our views while discounting contradictory viewpoints, can aid in trying to really see the whole picture.

The thing that concerns me most about politics today is the systematic polarization I see in America perpetrated by cunning politicians, the media, and now each other.  I'm talking about more than just the kind of extremism that leads to someone piloting planes into buildings; I'm talking about extremes in ideology and opinions. Americans have divided themselves into rigid camps: Democrat vs. Republican, Anti-War vs. Pro-War, Liberal vs. Conservative, Pro-Choice vs. Pro-Life, Black vs. White, Right vs. Wrong.  More and more, people continue to throw their support on one side of an issue, ignoring the fact that both sides often have good arguments.  Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Mitt Romney, Ann Coulter,  and others are convinced the conservative side of issues is completely correct and the Democratic side has no redeeming qualities or points of merit. Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Alan Colmes, and many Hollywood stars are convinced that everything President Bush did was wrong as well as Republicans in general. It's become almost a reflex action nowadays: whenever Romney or another prominent Republican states a policy, no matter what the position, liberals attack it. And the same is true of conservative attacks on President Obama.  And while I plainly see that the economy has not been helped by President Obama, I am astonished at the amount of pure hatred I see directed at him because, as always, the circumstances are complex that have contributed to his inability to succeed during his term.  During the 2011 debt limit crisis, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell stated that he refused to do any cooperating in coming to a consensus with Obama on the budget, not because he disagreed with the policies to be implemented, but because he did not want to put the Republicans into a position of co-ownership of a bad economy.  The clear implication was that if default brought economic hardship, the president and Democrats would get blamed, and that would be a win for the Republican party, even at the expense of the country.  That kind of calculus--putting partisan advantage ahead of problem-solving, with the stakes for the country being sky-high, used to not be "politics as usual".  But now it seems it is.  Even when Obama has tried to pass measures that would attempt to pay down the national debt, Republicans thwart him at every turn in favor of tribalism over country.  By tribalism, I mean a way of thinking or behaving in which people are more loyal to their tribe (political party) than to their friends, their country, or any other social group.  It is when one group of people start to think people from another group are “wrong by default”, simply because they exist.  And make no mistake, if Romney is elected President, the same treatment will be doled out to him by the Democratic side, and they won't like it one bit but will probably feel justified in their anger of what is being perpetrated upon them, as if they have been innocent of doing the same thing.  All of this scares me immensely, and I ask myself, where is reason?  Were is the middle road?

I inherently, at my core, am drawn to hearing and understanding both sides of any important issue.  I try to be aware of my own biases and approach a person or issue counting on finding good intentions at the heart of a person's convictions, and most of the time I find that even if I ultimately disagree with a person, I can still see the good in them.  I do the same thing with politics.  I can see both the merits and pitfalls of both the Democrat and Republican lens of seeing the world.  I try and seek out sources of information on both sides of every issue and usually find what I believe the truth to be somewhere in the middle.  If someone feels passionately about an issue or topic, I want to know why and how they feel this way and the factors that were involved in leading them to their conclusions.  So it's hard for me to understand people who not only completely identify with one political party over another, concluding that there is only one "right" way to govern a country, an economy, and a people, but also allow themselves to only be exposed to people and media that pound it into their heads that they are indeed the only ones who truly love their country and everyone else is severely misled or listening to the devil. To me, it feels restrictive to have to lump myself in with either group because neither Democrats nor Republicans represent the totality of my convictions; therefore, I consider myself an Independent--a swing voter who votes for the person, not the party.

My next point is that not only are people dividing themselves into ideological extremes, they are often supporting a platform of ideas rather than debating each one individually. To illustrate, liberals generally are pro-choice, are anti-war, advocate more government, support more social spending, and oppose tax cuts. Conservatives generally are pro-life, support increased defense spending, oppose an increase in social spending, and advocate tax cuts. On virtually every issue, there is a Democrat position and an opposite Republican position. The damage comes in when you consider that extreme liberals or conservatives start to support everything on the agenda of "their side" rather than debate each issue individually. Politicians must often change their public stance rather than take the one they truly believe in their hearts. This is perhaps why Romney was initially seen as a flip-flopper; maybe he was forced to change his stance from pro-choice to pro-life in order to more widely appeal to his base.  Virtually all politicians can find an issue in which they disagree with the stance of their party but are unable to advocate publicly.  It seems that more and more, those who would consider themselves mainstream in their political party are much more conservative or liberal than they used to be.

Clearly, there's a problem here. Rather than engage in intelligent discussion of both sides of an issue, political debate has turned into an "us vs. them" mentality and I really believe it is escalating in its pervasiveness. This mentality has led to a breeding ground of extremism; not only are you wrong about your differing view, but I loathe you and you are going to hell, is what it seems people are portraying.  Rigidly arguing or attacking the other side rarely changes the mind of people who have opposite views. In fact, it usually causes them to become even more firm in their beliefs. If I say to you "You're an idiot, and I'm going to tell you why....", does this cause you to open up your mind to my ideas? If you're like most humans, a statement like that will put you on the defensive and you will strive to justify or explain your views. And in the process, you're likely to hold onto your views even tighter. Unfortunately, a verbal attack by one side often leads to a verbal attack from the other side. Then, a vicious cycle begins. The end result is two sides firmly entrenched in their beliefs and loaded with negative feelings toward the other side.  And the cycle continues, but with much more strength behind it.

In my mind, the solution is that more people should choose the middle of the road approach.  If you should happen to hear something that at first seems outrageous about one of the candidates, then fact check it.  I frequently use:  (factcheck.org and politifact.org).  Realize that the media desperately wants you to believe whatever fodder they choose to put out there--they are not on your side, they are on the side of making as much money as they possible can using whatever means they can.  I find that when I fact check things, often times the conversation or event has been taken completely out of context or is baseless and only being employed by the other side in order to advance their agenda.  Also, be clear that news channels have built in biases, so choose to listen to both biases.  Another thing that I think might be advantageous if you are really wanting to weigh the balance of both sides equally, is to pretend you are a lawyer preparing to debate the merits of the other side of the issue.  For example, if you firmly believe in capital punishment, invest some time to find all the information you can on why the death penalty should be banned.  Most likely, you will not change your opinion, but you may gain some knowledge and respect for where other people are coming from.  I'm not saying you should give up your principles or values. I'm simply saying it pays to get all the facts and reasoning before you come to a conclusion, and it pays to stay open to new evidence that becomes available. If after analyzing both sides of an issue, you believe one side is stronger than the other, by all means, become a vocal advocate of your position, but keeping in mind the good points of the other side.  “People talk about the middle of the road as though it were unacceptable. Actually, all human problems, excepting morals, come into the gray areas. Things are not all black and white. There have to be compromises. The middle of the road is all of the usable surface. The extremes, right and left, are in the gutters.” (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

A society that takes an independent, open-minded view of politics means we can finally begin to solve the problems that continue to plague us. As Albert Einstein said, "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."  And that's why I choose the middle road.

TigerDog turns 8 and 1st day

For Elisabeth's 8th birthday, we went to Lagoon.  We hadn't been in several years so we were all quite excited to go again.  It was perfect weather and not very crowded.  We are anxiously anticipating her baptism in a few short weeks.  Elisabeth is bright and full of light, bursting with a wonderful strong will, loves all animals, is spunky, is quite the little artist, and is incredibly happy.  How we love this girl!  Our little TigerDog.

8 is GREAT!

A stuffed wolf

Pink leopard slippers for Tigerdog!

Thinking of her wish (which was for another dog, which won't happen)

1st Day of School Pictures:

Hunter, 6th grade

Madison, 8th grade

Elisabeth, 3rd grade

Christian, 11th grade

Ashton, Kindergarten

Faith, As I See It

If you had the opportunity to grow up in the LDS church, you are familiar with being taught as a child what a testimony is and how to bare your testimony in the appropriate way.  It usually goes something like this:  I'd like to bare my testimony.  I know this church is true.  I know Joseph Smith was a Prophet.  I love my family.  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.  It can be endearing and sweet to hear a child say these words in testimony meeting (or occasionally not, if they are yelling it into a microphone).  I did it as a child, and my own children have born a similar testimony.  I never thought much about what this meant for me, or my children until a couple of years ago when they were participating in the yearly primary program and were each given a part they were required to memorize for sacrament meeting.  I don't remember specifically what parts each of our children had been given to read, but I was surprised when Robert requested that they write their own parts of what they truly could say for themselves that they believed, versus regurgitating what someone else told them that they believed.  The things that the kids came up with were more representative of their own growing testimonies, although the things they said were far less profound than their original parts.  All of these acts of teaching through the years by well intentioned teachers, primary leaders, parents, as well as ourselves should have no offense taken because we are all trying to our very best to teach our children what we view as some of the most important things.  By telling our children what they believe at a young age, there is an underlying hope that someday they truly will learn for themselves what we believe the truth to be.  Perhaps it is just an exercise in semantics, but I do think it is worth exploring the way in which we commonly teach what faith is, according to the way we express it and teach our children to express it and what the ramifications of that are for some.  Sometimes, our words become so overly used from saying them out of habit, we lose the feeling of what the words really mean.  If you are told your whole life what you know and in turn express it as such, and then at some point in your life feel like you might not KNOW everything you have been professing your whole life, you may begin to feel very alone because it may seem everyone else just KNOWS because this is what you have heard every month in testimony meeting your whole life.  I concur that it doesn't make much sense either to talk regularly about the things we aren't sure of, but perhaps we should word things more like this:  "I have faith that Joseph Smith was a prophet."  Or, "I have a testimony that we can be together forever,"  instead of I know, I know, I know.  In reality, we all exercise faith in our beliefs and as far as I can tell not many people have a sure knowledge of all gospel concepts.  Therefore, feeling like we are all, as members of the LDS church, exercising hope and faith is a much less daunting concept and feels much more inclusive to others than attempting and/or professing a supposed sure knowledge.

The Apostle Paul taught that “faith is the substance [assurance] of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). Alma made a similar statement: “If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true” (Alma 32:21).  "The call to faith is a summons to engage the heart, to attune it to resonate in sympathy with principles and values and ideals that we devoutly hope are true, and to have reasonable but not certain grounds for believing them to be true."  (Terryl Givens)

In the past couple of years, my own definition and understanding of faith has evolved.  This is what it is  and isn't to me:

*Faith is very private and individual.  We cannot assume that everyone goes about acquiring faith in the same way as we do.  I truly believe that "God is no respector of persons".  Therefore, I don't believe He values or loves his LDS children over the rest of His children, or His children that have stronger testimonies of the gospel over those who have a more tenuous grasp.  In actuality, Jesus spent His whole life forgiving those who were the "lesser" of society, often condemning the hypocrisy of those who claimed to follow Him or claimed to be religious.  He works through the good in all religions and in all people so that everyone has the opportunity to learn of Him and feel His love.  When other people have spiritual experiences that at first may seem implausible to me, I remind myself that God speaks to everyone in their own individual way, and I hope others can have that same respect for me.  Patience in other people's path back to Him and their way of learning and gaining faith is pivotal to being a true follower of Christ.

*Even with a testimony, everyone has the right to question and in fact should.   President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “We are a question-asking people. We have always been, because we know that inquiry leads to truth. That is how the Church got its start, from a young man who had questions. In fact, I’m not sure how one can discover truth without asking questions. In the scriptures you will rarely discover a revelation that didn’t come in response to a question…. Inquiry is the birthplace of testimony. Some might feel embarrassed or unworthy because they have searching questions regarding the gospel, but they needn’t feel that way. Asking questions isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a precursor of growth.”  This has been a commonly misunderstood concept in my own life.  When I have had questions, I have viewed myself as weak, and I have also felt some amount of judgment coming from others when I have voiced a concern about a particular topic.  I don't, and never have, viewed people that appear not to have had struggles with their testimonies as stronger or wiser.  In fact, it is usually the opposite.  I find people that choose to persevere in spite of doubts, much more formidable and people which I admire to an increased degree.  They are people formed in the refiner's fire.

*Personal revelation is the most important witness, because it is the only way we can correctly evaluate the truthfulness of prophets and the scriptures. Blind obedience even to the authority of scripture or prophets can ultimately lead to authoritarianism.  Without personal revelation, we risk becoming mere puppets on a string, tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine ( Ephesians 4:11-16 )  from within and without the Church.  Occasionally I think it is alright to have faith in the testimonies of others for a time when we don't have our own testimonies, but ultimately I think, at least for me, that is not as desirable a circumstance and I will ultimately always seek my own personal revelation and value it over the testimony of others.

*Faith is a choice, and in that deliberate choice, day after day and year after year, there is strength and tremendous virtue.  Even if I am struggling with understanding certain gospel topics, my faith can grow if I continue to have hope that things are true and continue to persevere in my obedience to the commandments in the face of unanswered questions.  Realizing that faith is a choice can be extremely empowering.

*When we choose to look down upon or judge those who do not have the same faith or level of faith as us, I believe we are contributing to their downfall, as well as our own.  We are meant to encourage and build others up as Jesus would and if we indeed had the faith that we profess to have, we would never look down on someone who was in the midst of struggling with their testimony.  In the precise moment we think we are better then our fellow man because of what we "know", we have shown that indeed we do NOT know; people that follow Christ would never behave like that toward their fellow humans.

*Believing that prophets and apostles have been flawed throughout time is not mutually exclusive with having faith in the gospel.  Noah, Abraham, Moses, the Apostle Peter, and yes even Joseph Smith were imperfect men who sinned.  To deny their fallibility is to not accept all of who they were, and therefore to fail to see what good their fallibility means for us;  we too can err, but still have the capability for greatness, and also that God can work through ALL of us, no matter how imperfect.  This concept, while difficult to transition to after a lifelong belief that all prophets were perfect, has aided me tremendously in redefining and affirming my testimony.  Indeed, faith is harder, and therefore must be more proficient in the face of continuing to believe things that aren't white washed and as simple as we would perhaps want them to be.  We aren't weaker or being negative simply by acknowledging the truth of our history or that there are things in our history that trouble us.  What I wish, however, is that I could have discovered this much younger because the transition to this type of thinking was quite tumultuous for me.  I plan to inoculate my children against this inaccurate notion of the perfection of church history and prophets by teaching them that we embrace our prophets and apostles and follow them, while still seeing them as men--great men, but nonetheless, just men.  I plan on being honest with my children about the things in our LDS history which trouble me while I still choose to persevere in faith, therefore allowing them to see how faith in action works.

*Policy is not doctrine.  For example, just because the Sunday School presidency has never had women in those positions, doesn't mean that God himself wants it that way--we've just never done it that way for whatever reason.  I am allowed to question the status quo if it doesn't work for me or if it goes against certain values that I have.  This does not mean I don't have a testimony or am spiritually lacking.  In fact, this is how much revelation comes to fruition;  certain policies don't meet the needs of the body of the Church, and as a result policy is changed.  This is how the Word of Wisdom began, and in my opinion, how the blacks ended up receiving the priesthood.  Both were revelations, but both were in response to a problem that emerged.  Our church needs people who question the status quo, just like it needs people who don't.  Both serve a purpose and can add strength to the church if people allow them to.  The church has evolved tremendously through time, and must continue to in order to meet the needs of its people.  If the status quo were not to be questioned, the result would always be that the power balance would favor certain groups of people over others.  Those who question the norm help give a voice to those who often aren't heard.

*Faith is found in the middle ground between the compulsion to affirm and the compulsion to deny.  I don't believe true faith can be possessed until we can balance the evidence both for and against the voracity of the gospel.  Without this, it is only blind faith.  In turn, our decision to affirm or deny faith is a direct reflection of who we are.  Terryl Givens, a notable LDS and religious scholar observed, "I am convinced that there must be grounds for doubt as well as belief in order to render the choice more truly a choice—and, therefore, the more deliberate and laden with personal vulnerability and investment. The option to believe must appear on our personal horizon like the fruit of paradise, perched precariously between sets of demands held in dynamic tension. One is, it would seem, always provided with sufficient materials out of which to fashion a life of credible conviction or dismissive denial. We are acted upon, in other words, by appeals to our personal values, our yearnings, our fears, our appetites, and our egos. What we choose to embrace, to be responsive to, is the purest reflection of who we are and what we love. That is why faith, the choice to believe, is, in the final analysis, an action that is positively laden with moral significance."  I can now say that I have seen both the evidences for credible conviction as well as for dismissive denial, and I choose to affirm faith.

My faith has had it's moments of both ebb and flow, and in fact, it is in motion daily.  There are certain parts of my faith that are stronger than others, but the main thing that has helped me is realizing that my faith is always my choice.  Sometimes I allow certain elements of my testimony to be suspended in time as I learn, ponder, and pray, still pressing forward and then eventually come back to them and reevaluate them given my knew understanding.  I am also trying to no longer feel inadequate for doubts and questions, but to view them as an opportunity to change, learn, and grow into something better.  I honor people on their own paths, doing their best to interpret and apply the way God speaks to them, and hopefully I can be a soft place for them to fall if they need me, just as I have occasionally needed others for a soft place to fall in my moments of hardship.  I want my children to understand that I don't have a knowledge of anything, but yet a hope and a faith. Like many followers throughout history, I have found reason to doubt, and have also found reason to believe. And for today, and hopefully everyday, I choose to believe.

And Then There Were None

It started out like any other day, except it wasn't.  While running Ashton to school, the Headmaster of his school stopped me and asked to speak to me.  Ashton was enrolled in a 2 full day, 3 half day program at his school and the new Headmaster told me that they didn't want him being semi-enrolled in 2 programs so I would need to put him in the 5 day a week, full day program.  So my choices were to take him out of private school, when he had extenuating needs which I viewed necessitated a much smaller class size (12 to be exact), or take him out of private school and enroll him in the public school kindergarten which is half day, but risk his social and mental needs not being met in a class of 27-30 children.  And there I stood at a proverbial crossroad, on an otherwise unremarkable Wednesday that wasn't supposed to happen for another year.  And there the Headmaster stood anticipating my answer, staring impatiently at me.  Except he really didn't realize the depths of what he was asking of me.  He didn't realize this was my baby, my youngest of 5 children.  He certainly didn't know that I wasn't emotionally prepared to move onto the next step in my life of no children during the day, until NEXT year.  "That's it?" I thought.  "16 years of everyday, all day child rearing and today is the day that that ends forever?"  Now that I reflect on that moment, it's almost like I wanted that day to be marked significantly somehow, with some sort of ceremony or acknowledgment of a job "well done," and permission to now move onto the next stage in my life.  I turned from the Headmaster down the hall to go look in the one way glass window where I could see Ashton in his class but he couldn't see me.  There he was, sitting on the rug for story time in his typical ADD manner of looking up at the ceiling, beside him at his neighbors, and behind him in case something more interesting came along.  And then I could feel the tears coming.  Acting like I was hiding from paparazzi, I quickly donned my sunglasses in the dimly lit hallway, in order to allow myself some momentary dignity.  And then,  even though I wasn't certain, I heard myself say, "Yes, he will be attending the all day 5 day a week program."  It was done, and I walked out quickly to the solitary confines of my car where I sat indefinitely thinking about the gravity of the moment.  And then I thought, NOW WHAT?

After a full week of emotions ranging from euphoria to sadness to being frantic as to what things of import would fill my time, I knew that it was time to move on.  I really never thought the day would come where my life would finally progress to the next phase, but it did, and so I began the application process to the University of Utah's MSW program.  Had I still been in my 20s, I would have been tempted to feel like I had wasted the last 16 years of my life because several of the questions on the graduate application are things like, list your previous employers, and please list the clubs and volunteer organizations (besides church) that you are affiliated with.  But because I have thankfully evolved from that particular insecurity, I just know I have a LOT of work to do to get myself into the position to even be able to apply to the Masters of Social Work program.  It will probably be at least a year until I get in, but meanwhile, I am busying myself trying to find a volunteer position in my field of study and writing the essays necessary to complete the application.  One of the essays I have to write is an autobiographical essay.  If ever there was something that has caused me to take pause and reflect on my life, it is this.  I am supposed to include things like how my life experiences have prepared me for and led me to this profession.  Also to be included is basically what makes me, me and what characteristics I have that would contribute to this occupation.  Wow.  I know I have always felt inwardly driven towards this field, but to have to soul search and put it succinctly into words is a different, far more complex endeavor.  Yes, those 20 year old who are applying may have social clubs and job experience, but they certainly don't have 16 years of child rearing and the myriad of lessons that teaches on their resume.  Child rearing, as monotonous and sometimes thankless as it sometimes is, has definitely formed me and aided me in a way nothing else ever could.

Okay.  So today was my first official day of all of my children being in school for the full day.  How did it go you ask?  The biggest difference I noticed was a lack of the typical heart-racing, cold sweat induced errands I usually have in my day due to children accompanying me wherever I go.  The next contrast was that the absolute QUIET in the car and in my house.  I LOVE QUIET.  On the downside, I kind of missed having a little sidekick along with me when I stopped to get lunch for Robert and realized I didn't need to order chicken nuggets too.  And even thought I did enjoy the quiet, in the same moment, I also missed the constant inquiries about Lego Batman action figures, and questions about superpowers and bad guys.  But, the good thing is, I only had to wait until the first child walked in the door at 2:45 to have all of that wonderful chaos back.

Simple and Joyful

Robert and I were absolutely giddy on Friday when we realized that we had not one obligation or activity planned for the weekend.  That meant no kids' lessons to attend, no church meetings, nothing planned with friends, nothing.  And that is incredibly rare for us.  We quickly made a pact not to answer any phone calls in fear that we may be asked to do something that might end our weekend bliss.  It turned into such an amazing weekend full of unexpected fun, and simple moments of joy.

Saturday afternoon after chores, we decided spontaneously to take the kids and hike up Baer Canyon Trail which is located in Fruit Heights.  And to our wondrous delight, we discovered Fall had already arrived in the mountains! On the way home, we stopped at a local toy store and picked out a new family game--one that I wouldn't have chosen myself, but that the kids loved (something to do with sumo wrestling hamsters).  We made it home just in time for a spectacular rain and hail storm, complete with a rainbow, and the kids had a blast playing in the rain.  Afterwards, we decided to use a new recipe to make peach muffins with the peaches our neighbor gave us from her yard and also to make homemade salsa using some vegetables from my brother's garden.  I should back up a bit and point out that part of what made this so enjoyable was that earlier in the morning, Robert and I had gone grocery shopping by ourselves and at our leisure, slowly walking down every isle and talking about anything and everything while the kids were at home fighting, I mean doing their chores.  Much of my life is done at such break neck speed and intensity, that things like grocery shopping without kids is not usually something I am able to enjoy.  The muffins and salsa turned out wonderful and they were fairly healthy too!  Later, Christian had about 5 of his fun and delightful friends over for several hours and the rest of us watched a movie.  Friday, I helped Christian ask his friend Alyssa to the upcoming Homecoming dance.  His first dance!  It was so much fun to come up with asking ideas together and shop for all the things he needed to do it.  We got a piñata and put a bunch of candy in it with his name inside one of the many candy wrappers which she had to find.  The only snag to the plan was getting her out of her house so he could hang it in her room, and that her dogs tried to attack him and his friend the whole time they were there.  I couldn't be more excited for his first dance, and I can't wait to see him in his suit!  Here are some pictures from our simple and joyful weekend:

*pictures taken on my iPhone, so the quality is not ideal

All but Christian came on our hike. 

We found this odd chair in the middle of nowhere and Ash wanted his picture taken with it.

Elisabeth wanted her picture taken by this "heart rock"

Madison, not her usual chipper self because her teeth hurt from her braces.

A pretty bridge we crossed.

See?  Fall.

That's hail on our trampoline

Robert and Madison braving the hail storm on our deck.

Elisabeth with her oversized beach umbrella.

Love. Rainbows.

Homemade peach muffins

Maddie helping make the muffins.

Homemade bean salsa.  Yum-O

I had to capture this because I know I will miss it in a few years.  My kids LOVE to sleep in my closet.  This
is Hunter and Ashton THRILLED that they get to sleep together in my closet.

Last weekend, my Dad and I did the Frontrunner Century ride, of which we accomplished 60 miles of it.  The temperature was perfect and it was a smaller ride which I prefer, so I didn't feel like I was being stampeded by hundreds of bikes on my tail.  We even got lost for 10 miles of the ride because the route wasn't clearly marked.  What an unexpected adventure!  It was such a memorable day with my Dad.

It really is the simple things that bring true joy.

But, before you think that our weekend was only bliss and are tempted to feel bad about your weekend, just know there were many moments like this:

Ashton:  I'M NOT TAKING ONE MORE STEP!!

But I guess the joy wouldn't be as joyful without the usual chaos and stress.  Right?