And Then There Were None

It started out like any other day, except it wasn't.  While running Ashton to school, the Headmaster of his school stopped me and asked to speak to me.  Ashton was enrolled in a 2 full day, 3 half day program at his school and the new Headmaster told me that they didn't want him being semi-enrolled in 2 programs so I would need to put him in the 5 day a week, full day program.  So my choices were to take him out of private school, when he had extenuating needs which I viewed necessitated a much smaller class size (12 to be exact), or take him out of private school and enroll him in the public school kindergarten which is half day, but risk his social and mental needs not being met in a class of 27-30 children.  And there I stood at a proverbial crossroad, on an otherwise unremarkable Wednesday that wasn't supposed to happen for another year.  And there the Headmaster stood anticipating my answer, staring impatiently at me.  Except he really didn't realize the depths of what he was asking of me.  He didn't realize this was my baby, my youngest of 5 children.  He certainly didn't know that I wasn't emotionally prepared to move onto the next step in my life of no children during the day, until NEXT year.  "That's it?" I thought.  "16 years of everyday, all day child rearing and today is the day that that ends forever?"  Now that I reflect on that moment, it's almost like I wanted that day to be marked significantly somehow, with some sort of ceremony or acknowledgment of a job "well done," and permission to now move onto the next stage in my life.  I turned from the Headmaster down the hall to go look in the one way glass window where I could see Ashton in his class but he couldn't see me.  There he was, sitting on the rug for story time in his typical ADD manner of looking up at the ceiling, beside him at his neighbors, and behind him in case something more interesting came along.  And then I could feel the tears coming.  Acting like I was hiding from paparazzi, I quickly donned my sunglasses in the dimly lit hallway, in order to allow myself some momentary dignity.  And then,  even though I wasn't certain, I heard myself say, "Yes, he will be attending the all day 5 day a week program."  It was done, and I walked out quickly to the solitary confines of my car where I sat indefinitely thinking about the gravity of the moment.  And then I thought, NOW WHAT?

After a full week of emotions ranging from euphoria to sadness to being frantic as to what things of import would fill my time, I knew that it was time to move on.  I really never thought the day would come where my life would finally progress to the next phase, but it did, and so I began the application process to the University of Utah's MSW program.  Had I still been in my 20s, I would have been tempted to feel like I had wasted the last 16 years of my life because several of the questions on the graduate application are things like, list your previous employers, and please list the clubs and volunteer organizations (besides church) that you are affiliated with.  But because I have thankfully evolved from that particular insecurity, I just know I have a LOT of work to do to get myself into the position to even be able to apply to the Masters of Social Work program.  It will probably be at least a year until I get in, but meanwhile, I am busying myself trying to find a volunteer position in my field of study and writing the essays necessary to complete the application.  One of the essays I have to write is an autobiographical essay.  If ever there was something that has caused me to take pause and reflect on my life, it is this.  I am supposed to include things like how my life experiences have prepared me for and led me to this profession.  Also to be included is basically what makes me, me and what characteristics I have that would contribute to this occupation.  Wow.  I know I have always felt inwardly driven towards this field, but to have to soul search and put it succinctly into words is a different, far more complex endeavor.  Yes, those 20 year old who are applying may have social clubs and job experience, but they certainly don't have 16 years of child rearing and the myriad of lessons that teaches on their resume.  Child rearing, as monotonous and sometimes thankless as it sometimes is, has definitely formed me and aided me in a way nothing else ever could.

Okay.  So today was my first official day of all of my children being in school for the full day.  How did it go you ask?  The biggest difference I noticed was a lack of the typical heart-racing, cold sweat induced errands I usually have in my day due to children accompanying me wherever I go.  The next contrast was that the absolute QUIET in the car and in my house.  I LOVE QUIET.  On the downside, I kind of missed having a little sidekick along with me when I stopped to get lunch for Robert and realized I didn't need to order chicken nuggets too.  And even thought I did enjoy the quiet, in the same moment, I also missed the constant inquiries about Lego Batman action figures, and questions about superpowers and bad guys.  But, the good thing is, I only had to wait until the first child walked in the door at 2:45 to have all of that wonderful chaos back.