Sunday Drive

I just had to get out today and take some pictures.  I found myself at one of my favorites haunts:  Farmington Bay.  Afterwards, Elisabeth allowed my to try a new photo effect which was taking pictures of her behind glass.  I liked the results!

One of my favorites from last winter. 

A New Earth

This is a book that I found several years back and really enjoyed.  Every so often, I get it back out and re-remember some of its philosophies.  Here are some of my favorite quotes:

“You become most powerful in whatever you do if the action is performed for its own sake rather than as a means to protect, enhance, or conform to your role identity.” --I think this is why I enjoy motherhood so much; I have never thought of it as my "role."  I am a mother because of my individual choice to bring each child into the world, and because I love it.  Being a mother makes me feel powerful and is overall the most rewarding thing I could ever wish to be.  However, if I were to think of it in terms of a role that was expected of me regardless of choice, much of the enjoyment and sense of purpose would disappear for me.  Performing actions for their own sake removes the ego of wanting to appear a certain way for the approval of others and ourselves.  It is receiving joy from being in the moment of action, instead of living for the result of the outcome.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”  The power of the mind to access a life of joy or pain never ceases to amaze me.  It always empowers me when I am going through something I view as difficult to examine my internal dialogue to determine if it perhaps could be altered to ease some of my suffering.  We all live our own individual realities formed by  ourselves and the sooner we recognize our own power in that, the more stalwart we become in creating the life we truly want; a life of action, not reaction.

“Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.” --I could probably read this one on a daily basis and still not conquer the concepts represented here.  It's just so hard for me!  I think it is the remnants of approval seeking that I still have in spite of desperately trying to rid myself of that quality.  I need to remember that when people try and define me, they are limiting themselves.  Putting labels on my children and myself is also limiting.

“Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you.” --This one I had to include because it gets under my skin so much that I was tempted not to include it and I figured that wasn't a good sign.  None of us like to hear that if someone possesses a trait that resonates negatively with us, that chances are, it is in us as well.  But hearing this does lead me to more introspection because BOY ARE THERE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME ABOUT SOME PEOPLE!!

“Man made God in his own image…” --If any of these quotes really got me thinking, it is this one.  There is much commentary these days regarding, "What would Jesus do?"  Whatever opinion or cause we or others side on, we may falsely assume that unequivocally, that is what Jesus would do.  Many wars have been fought with each side thinking God was rooting for them and each side praying that their cause would win.  The outcome perhaps is that we have made our image of God into the best versions of ourselves.  I am sure there are opinions or traits in each of us that are noteworthy that God indeed possesses, but do we assume too often that He would always be in agreement with our way of thinking?  Hmmmm.  Something to think about, at least for me.

“Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?” This quote reminds me of a meditation exercise I did several years back when we were told to picture ourselves taking our opinions, worries, labels, problems, etc. and putting them in a plastic bag separate from ourselves.  What existed after that was just a clean slate that we could then choose to fill up or not fill up with whatever it was that we wanted.  Have you ever tried observing a situation completely void of thought or opinion?  It is a fascinating exercise and really shows how powerful our inner voice really is in creating bias and perhaps inaccurate opinions about situations and people.

“In essence, you are neither inferior nor superior to anyone. True self-esteem and true humility arise out of that realization.  In the eyes of the ego, self-esteem and humility are contradictory.  In truth, they are one and the same.” --This is something that I have really tried to grasp onto the past several years.  I don't yet have claim on it completely, but the people I admire most realize and live this concept.

“When you don't cover up the world with words and labels, a sense of the miraculous returns to your life that was lost a long time ago when humanity, instead of using thought, became possessed by thought.”-- One of the ways we each try to make sense of our lives is with words and labels.  This is especially a problem for people like me that THINK and Think and think and can never stop because sometimes you can think your way into a pretzel and simply existing in a moment gets lost in that.

“With stillness comes the benediction of Peace.”-- I love this because it is a reminder to Be Still occasionally.  My life is often so hectic and loud, and when I do have an opportunity for stillness, I choose to listen to podcasts, music, to read, or to talk or write.  Sometimes, don't we all need to just be still?

And to end on a lighter thought:

“Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be.”--This last one is because I think I definitely take life too seriously sometimes.  Okay, a lot of the time.  The important thing is that I KNOW I am trying my very best in the important areas of my life, and if that just isn't good enough in the end, HEY!  The terrestrial kingdom is a really great place I hear! And I might even get to listen to rock music and meet Oprah!

Park City, Hip Hop, and Christmas Dance Catch-Up

 Park City is one of my very most favorite places on Earth.  Here are pictures from our recent long weekend there.

Yes, there is one child missing who chose to throw a temper tantrum instead of participate...

We went to a pottery store and painted ceramic pieces.  The kids loved it.

Krissy, Zack, and Harper came up for a night.  We had a blast with them!

Going up to explore the new St. Regis hotel in Deer Valley.  We wanted to take the tram ride up to the hotel.

Ashton, a little apprehensive about the steep ride up.

Hunter's hip hop Christmas program

Hunter during his solo part.  Go Huntie!

Hunter and his girl posse

Our real tree!  No ornaments, just lights this year.

Christian has been able to date quite a lot in his few months of being 16, but this is the first girl he has really fallen for. I am so impressed with who he would choose, this girl is amazing and so is her family who is in our ward.  It is so fun to see your kids grow up!!

Christmas Dance--Christian and Maddi

Gorgeous blue eyes.

Her mom was nice enough to capture this moment as her daughter walked down
the stairs to greet Christian.  My boy has stars in his eyes...

Such a gentleman.

Making gingerbread houses.

Christian showing off.

My new updated hair done by my amazingly talented cousin, Juliann.

His name was Cactus Jack

You may not know this about me, but I have an unfortunate trait which I sometimes refer to as "occasional Tourette's syndrome" where I get the uncontrollable giggles at the most inappropriate times.  It has been my nemesis throughout the years, striking at the most inopportune times; the temple, when there is complete silence somewhere, when someone falls, when someone performs and is awful, etc.  I can always feel it bubbling up inside me before I vomit laughter.  It usually starts with an awkward moment wherein my thought process is, "It would be really terrible if I started laughing right now."  And things just erupt form there.  In these moments, I secretly hate myself because if my life depended on it, I could not stop laughing even though I am fully aware of how cruel and unseemly my laughter is.  Thankfully, as I have gotten older, it has happened less and less, but alas, it reared it's ugly head again last weekend.

We were invited to a Christmas performance of an artist named Cactus Jack at our wonderful neighborhood friend's house.  The atmosphere was warm and inviting, but my impression of him was immediately tainted when I found out right before his performance that the real purpose of his being there was to seek funding support for his upcoming play.  Suddenly, I felt trapped, like being unwittingly present at a tupperware party, not knowing where the quick exit was and wondering which thing that I didn't want I was going to have to buy.  Well my friends, that tainting was the tip of the iceberg, for when I met him things only got worse.  Cactus Jack walked in wearing his midlife crisis like a thick quilt spread all over him--long, blonde hair which he could not stop running his fingers through, a huge belt buckle which held up his bedazzled teenage jeans, overdone Australian accent even though he was born and raised in Arkansas, and some inappropriate flirting with his manager who ironically was there with her ailing husband.  That, along with some intense bragging and reference to people mistaking him for Brad Pitt and I was totally turned off and there was no coming back from that.  And that was before the first song started.  I spend a lot of my life listening to people's problems, I am naturally drawn towards helping people, but when Cactus Jack chose to open up to us about his divorce over 10 years ago, blaming it on his LDS upbringing and proceeded to weep about it throughout the program, all I can say is that it was AWWWKWARD!!  My heart went out to him, but pull yourself together man!  If you're going to be performing a play about a divorce that happens on Christmas, you need to have healed yourself a little more before performing!  Unfortunately, the situation was made worse by the fact that the turnout was small so all ten of us had a front row seat.  So there I was front and center as Cactus started pouring out his soul to us and the other ladies present began passing around a box of kleenex and that was when the old, seemingly forgotten trigger thought emerged in my mind:  "It would be really bad if I started laughing right now…"  And then I could feel the laughter welling up inside, slowly inching it's way to the surface until I LOST IT.  I started giggling uncontrollably and no matter how much I forced myself to think about death, disease, the enormous mole on his forehead, and other horrifying events, I could not stop.  Robert, seeing me lose control, desperately scream-whispers, "Go to the bathroom!  Leave!"  He was starting to laugh too, and so he commanded "And don't look at me!"  I could feel the dirty stares upon me, and worse, I knew I deserved them.  Ohhh the agony I am to myself sometimes!  WHY OH WHY did my occasional Tourette's have to strike right then?!

Thankfully, there was a short break in the program and I was able to distract myself long enough to pull it together.  By the end, I was even able to compliment him on his performance and quickly sneak out, thankfully without leaving any monetary support.  I wish him well, and I apologize that his midlife crisis had the terrible coincidence of meeting up with my occasional Tourette's syndrome.

On the topic of Beauty

Having two daughters and being a female myself, I am keenly aware of the pressures to look a certain way and have felt the strain of how other's perceive me based on how I look.  Because of this, I have wrestled with the beauty complex and what I want to teach my girls about outward beauty, especially since the messages from society are so strong.  I have wanted to be deliberate in defining beauty for my girls (and sons for that matter) and in teaching them how I believe it should be properly valued in life.  It's hard to know with a child whether their own behavior early on towards "feminine" things is their own nature, or whether they are being socialized towards certain behaviors.  It's a very hard balancing act indeed.  For example, it stressed me out for a few years when Madison cared nothing about her physical appearance and seemed to want desperately to be a boy.  I had to exert quite a lot of self control in not trying to change her into my ideal for her, and also in attempting to understand if there was a reason behind this behavior, or if it was just her personality.  I admit that when she off-handedly suggested that maybe she could get some highlights in her hair, one of her first signs of caring about her appearance, I jumped on it and by the end of the day, she was styled and highlighted!  Then there is my other daughter who is almost too honed in to her appearance, wants to wear makeup at age 8, and is very conscious of style.  I have attempted to put the brakes on her desires to wear makeup and emulate her much older pop idol, Taylor Swift.  And then there's my own grapple with beauty; since I was such a late bloomer, I didn't feel good about my appearance for many years.  The upside was that I learned to value myself according to my talents and character instead of my outward appearance at a fairly young age.  The downside I suppose, was the low self esteem from how I looked, and then a subsequent slight preoccupation with how I looked for a few years to make up for those earlier years.  I think I have finally balanced it out now.

It was in my BYU class, "Sex and Gender in Society" that I began to really be concerned about what society teaches girls about themselves and life.  Take for example many of the older Disney stories; again and again a beautiful girl is rescued by her prince and lives happily ever after.  Princesses, in our common discourse, are pretty much all about beauty, polite manners, and wealth. They are generally the prize for men in some lusty competition or another. They are the pinnacle of elegance and beauty, but what does any of this have to do with our self-worth? And do we really want to teach our girls that being rescued by a man will lead them to living happily ever after?   If our self-worth is bound up in such shallow notions, we’ve got a lot of work to do. The messages now have since changed a bit in regard to Disney movies, and I am appreciative of that.  In the recent movie "Brave", a spirited girl is being forced by her Queen mother to choose a husband even though she feels she is not ready.  This causes problems between her and her mother, but the plight is ultimately solved when the mother realizes her daughter wants to do things in her own time and accepts her for who she is.

This Strawberry Shortcake doll was what I used to play with.

This is what today's girls want to play with.

In our house, we don't allow these types of dolls, or any Barbie-type figured dolls.  If someone were to ask my 8 year old why she didn't have any Barbies, she would say (because I've overheard her say), "Because my mom doesn't want me to think that's how girls are supposed to look."  It's not that I think that people who let their girls play with these types of dolls are making the wrong choice, it's just one thing I decided to take a stand against a long time ago, and have managed to stick with. The American Psychological Association recently stated that:  Research evidence shows that the sexualization of girls by means of advertising, merchandising, and media negatively affects girls and young women across a variety of health domains:

Cognitive and Emotional Consequences: Sexualization and objectification undermine a person's confidence in and comfort with her own body, leading to emotional and self-image problems, such as shame and anxiety.

Mental and Physical Health: Research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women--eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood.

Sexual Development: Research suggests that the sexualization of girls has negative consequences on girls' ability to develop a healthy sexual self-image.

On the subject of dolls the APA states, "It is worrisome when dolls designed specifically for 4- to 8-year-olds are associated with an objectified adult sexuality. The objectified sexuality presented by these dolls, as opposed to the healthy sexuality that develops as a normal part of adolescence, is limiting for adolescent girls, and even more so for the very young girls who represent the market for these dolls."

I don't necessarily think wanting to be beautiful is a bad thing and I, myself, love new clothes, makeup and working out to be healthy and look fit.  It only becomes unfortunate when a female is valued by others according to her beauty or lack of, and learns to value herself in this way as well.  Women don’t necessarily feel good or bad about themselves because of physical traits. Women who are content with themselves, are content because they have something else to offer; they have goals, aspirations, hopes, desires, dreams, talents and other attributes that make them contributing members of society. They don’t define themselves by their appearance. Beauty is often defined in how others perceive us outwardly, but value or worth should be defined in our relationship to God and our confidence in our inward traits. One we can never fully win, the other we can never fully lose. One is temporal and fleeting, the other inherent and eternal. Maybe the one important difference is this: all of us have qualities that are intrinsically valuable, while only some of us have qualities that are intrinsically beautiful.  Beauty is largely a matter of luck, but every daughter of God has worth and value. So we can have legitimate self-confidence in our good qualities, once we recognize them, while unwarranted self-confidence in our physical appearance is delusional and hollow.  For this reason, I try and concentrate on telling my girls regularly that they are strong, smart, good, and talented, and tell them less often that they are pretty or beautiful.  I remind them frequently that it's nice to pretty, but it's better to be kind.

Last year, Forbes magazine ranked Salt Lake City, Utah as the vainest city in the United States.  http://www.forbes.com/2007/11/29/plastic-health-surgery-forbeslife-cx_rr_1129health_slide_2.html
Yes, Salt Lake City has more plastic surgeons per capita than any other US city and spends more money on beauty products annually than any other city in the nation.  If you live in Utah, I am sure you have seen the plethora of billboards advertising plastic surgery.  I admit to being a subscriber to this mentality because I don't see anything wrong with plastic surgery, especially for women who have had several children.  Media influences play on the natural desires of women to want to be beautiful and attract male attention. Contrary to the idea put forth that advertisers are trying to get women to want to look a certain way, marketing techniques simply take advantage of women’s own existing vanity, I believe. The idea that a beautiful woman is all men want is ingrained in our culture. This Forbes study could be an indicator that either:

*Utah/Mormon culture makes girls and women more susceptible to media messages.
*Mormon girls and women are receiving messages about what it means to be beautiful from influences         besides media.
*A combination of media influence and Mormon religious culture compound to make a bigger impact on girls and women about how to be beautiful and desirable.
* It could mean nothing more than SLC has lots of plastic surgeons.

I also take issue with the way in which Mormon culture teaches girls and women to value beauty.  I cringe when I hear the term, "Modest is Hottest" which is sort of a newer term aimed at encouraging girls to desire to be modest; if you are modest, boys will think you are hot.  In my view, the emphasis of modesty should not be tied to "hotness" or beauty, only to dignity.  Why not be modest as a form of self-respect, instead of to be an object, even in your modesty, of someone else's lustful desires?  The unintended consequences of a what I view to be an over emphasis with modesty results in the the complete opposite result intended:  a preoccupation on girl's and women's bodies, which I adamantly do not want for my daughters.  Many discussions of modesty, from diverse cultural or religious perspectives, revolve around the idea of keeping sinful and unholy female bodies and body parts from the gaze of others — particularly men. This privileges the male gaze, in a backward sort of way, and puts females at a disadvantage for being the ones in control of what others think or feel when seeing their bodies. When we speak of modesty strictly in terms of covering our bodies from the sexual gaze of others, we are keeping the level of discourse at the shallow waters of women and girls as bodies alone. We have very little control of what other people think when they look at us.  If we are teaching the girls in our lives that the primary objective of modesty is to keep themselves covered so boys and men don’t think sexual thoughts about them, then we are teaching girls they are responsible for other peoples’ thoughts and they are primarily sexual objects in need of covering.  Ever once in a while, I remind my son that HE is the guardian of his own virtue and no girl is responsible for keeping him morally clean and I tell my daughter that modesty is important, but even so, she is not responsible for the sins of her male counterparts.  No girl or woman’s body is sinful simply by existing, and no one should be taught that.  Modesty, as an ideal, can be about so much more than shaming females into covering up.  Modesty can be a powerful concept when we believe we are more than bodies.  And when you believe you are more than a body – that you are capable of more than being looked at and you can do more than work on perfecting your parts – then you might dress differently than someone who perceives her value comes from her appearance, or the amount of attention she gets from men. Someone who sees herself as a capable and powerful person with a body that can help her achieve great things might act differently than someone who exists solely to look “hot.” She’ll treat her body differently and think about it differently. If you believe your power comes from your words, your unique contributions, your mind, your service, then you don’t need to seek attention and power by emphasizing your parts and minimizing yourself to your body.  Boy oh boy could I go on and on and on about this topic!

As I watch each of my girls navigate the joys and pitfalls of growing into young women, I feel the need more and more lately to not just let them be unguarded in the influences they are exposed to all around them, but to at least have my voice heard among the rest.  What I want them to know most is that they are more than a body and their value should come from the content of their character.  Spending an exorbitant amount of time dwelling on one's body, even if it is in the name of modesty, takes away from what our true nature and purpose is.  If they can learn to value themselves according to their talents, relationships, service to others, and be good stewards of their bodies out of respect for themselves, it won't matter what anyone else in society has to say.

The Losing Streak

You maybe remember my post last year (http://4peanutsandacashew.blogspot.com/2011/11/sometimes-once-year-feels-like-too-much.html) about the horrific embarrassment I seem to encounter every year at tithing settlement, and this year seems to be no exception to our losing streak.  Here's the run down.

I enter the room tentatively, eyeing the cabinet that Elisabeth bashed in last year during tithing settlement.  Yep, still bashed in.  I take my seat thinking, the kids are one year older, there's no way it could be as bad as last year!  Alas, I should have known things were going to be bad when we arrived and had 20 minutes to burn before it was our turn and the kids were feeding off each other's hyper-ness, at one point all geting banished to their own corner in the foyer.

*The Bishop begins by trying to take an interest in each of our children, asking them about the significance of their middle names.  Madison thinks Emma Smith, who she was named after, is Joseph Smith's sister and then can't stop laughing at her blunder.  When I berate her in the car afterwards for not knowing who she was named after, she exclaims, "You never taught me!"  Yes, never missing one week of family night has really paid off.

*Hunter, for whatever reason, when asked questions publicly just smiles and chooses not to respond.  I nudge him gently, "Hunter, that's you he's talking to."  "Oh, what was the question?" he asks.

*Ashton has meanwhile turned into "Rain Man", exhibiting some sort of jarbled, strange language with no meaning and contorting his body and face.  At one point, the Bishop asks him a question and he chooses to lift his legs up to the ceiling and spread them into the splits.  I grab him to sit on my lap and give him an awesome pinch that makes me feel just a little better about the situation.  I frantically whisper, "Act normal!  Just stare at the wall!"  Because sitting still seems to be normal behavior for every other 5 year old except mine.  He wiggles out of my grasp and lays down in the middle of the floor doing a snow angel for us all.  I am thinking that if I didn't know him, I would think half of his brain was missing.

*I am sweating and in absolute emotional pain from the desperateness of wanting to get out of there, but it's not over yet.  We have blown our cover as a semi-normal family, and for that I am mad.  I trade off giving each child the evil eye and for some reason this eggs them on into more hysterical laughter because they know my hands are tied.  They are all talking and laughing and it feels like the whole room is vibrating with their energy.  I hear certain references being bantered about by Robert and the Bishop about Benadryl for hyper active kids and how we will miss these days someday.  Boy, I can't wait to miss them!

*The kids are offered a piece of candy from the Bishop for their not-so-great performance.  They forage through the basket like rabid squirrels--because what they really need after their manic behavior is MORE SUGAR.

*As I walk out and see my reflection in the glass door, I notice that I forgot to change out of my long garments when I put on a dress quickly before we left and they are now about 3 inches below my dress line.  Good thing I waved and smiled really big to the next waiting family!

Indeed, even once a year is too often for some things.

But, they are pretty darn cute.

By Their Fruits

The other day, I overheard a comment and subsequent interpretation of the scripture, "Ye shall know them by their fruits."  (3 Nephi 14:16)  The interpretation was used to bolster the thought that another person was making wrong choices and therefore their fruits would surely be shown to be deficient in the future.  It really got me thinking about the topic so I thought I would write about it.

First of all, after looking the scripture reference up, I found that this scripture was originally meant to be used in regard to identifying false prophets.  The question is, can the metaphor be extended to include people's individual lives, which it seems to be more often than not referenced to?  For me, the problem with this extrapolation is fraught with many undesirable conclusions:

*First, since we are all imperfect beings, don't we all bear some fruits that are good and others that aren't so good?  Taking stock of my own life, I can clearly see that overall I have good fruits, but with a more critical eye, not-so-good fruits can also be seen.  Even if you look at someone who is a product of big bad Hollywood for example, you can see that their fruits are a mixed bag; they are immoral according to our standards, but they also give millions of dollars to help the starving and oppressed in 3rd world countries.  Are you willing to be in the position to say they are unequivocally entirely bad, with no good in the mix?  Can Oprah, for example, be dismissed as someone who has not been truly great because she has chosen not to marry her partner of 30 years?  I have heard this done many times.  To me, this is black and white thinking, which possesses simpler rules for framing the world in a way which some can understand, but to me contains much less compassion and evolved reasoning.

*For parents, and mothers in particular, children either "turning out" right, in relation to LDS standards especially, or not turning out is often used as a measuring stick for the parent's righteousness.  I have seen this “know them by their fruits” defense used in relation to a variety of parenting styles and family configurations in real life.  However, it seems to me that judging one’s merits or successes as a parent based on the actions of another individual just doesn’t make sense.  It flies in the face of our doctrine on agency as well as scriptural teachings about parenting.  Section 68 declares that the duty of a parent is to teach, not to ensure the outcome of another’s life choices.  Who is a successful LDS parent then? I just can’t believe that I can put my feet up and relax when the last child is delivered to the bride’s or groom's room in the Salt Lake temple for instance. While it is tempting to set our sights on a checklist of events or our kids' characteristics, I am more inclined to believe that a better measurement is how my heart is with my child and with my God.  Is my love unfeigned?  Am I long suffering and gentle and meek in raising my children?  Do I recognize that I can still “lovingly” coerce even for the best of causes?  Fruits like these are much harder to see from an outsider's perspective, so perhaps it's an extrapolation we shouldn't be willing to make.  Undeniably, there is something to the idea that “good parents produce good kids”.  But the bottom line is that even if all 2000 of the stripling warriors ran away like cowards, feared death or had other doubts, if their mothers' actions had remained the same, they still would have been “good” mothers. To think otherwise, seems to place a difficult and unnecessary burden on parents that even our Father in Heaven doesn’t assume.  After all, even ⅓ of our Heavenly Father's children did not choose His plan.  Is He a bad parent, possessing bad fruits because of the choices of His children?  Certainly not.

*If you read the entire chapter in which this verse is found (3 Nephi Chapter 14), you will find that the verse about fruits is preceded by equally imperative verses on not judging:  "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged . . ."  Also found are the timeless verses on hypocrites, admonishing them to "first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of the brother's eye."  Lastly, we find the scriptures, " . . . all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them . . ."  So apparently, along with looking at another's fruits in order to know them, we should carefully balance that admonition with judging in a way that we would want to be judged and not being hypocrites in excusing our own weaknesses, yet still finding other's faults.  Also, it is human nature to cherry pick one scripture we personally view as important, but not equally weigh the value of competing scriptures on the same topic.  For instance, sometimes the evils of "intellectuals" is harped on, but the equally compelling statement "The glory of God is intelligence" is not as often balanced in consideration of the pitfalls of obtaining knowledge.

*What should be considered as "fruits?"  Everyone's interpretation of which fruits are important to manifest is different.  For me, outward accomplishments of myself as well as my children, pale in substance to the root of where it stems from.  For example, it wouldn't make me feel like an accomplished person if I jumped through all the hoops of the Mormon to-do list, but failed to have a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father.  The same goes for the desires I have for my children.  Sometimes the "hoops" are representative of personal conviction, but occasionally they are not.  In addition, I don't think life is all about making only "right" choices, and sometimes we just need to be patient with what another person's learning process is.  I admit that it is difficult to see another person floundering through life (in our view) especially as their choices negatively affect others in their life.  But I still choose to believe in redemption and that all can be made right, eventually, through the atonement.

*Maybe "Judge them by their fruits" is for judging whether a prophet is of God, but for ourselves the scripture "By this shall men know ye are my disciples, if he have love one for another" is a more accurate yard stick for where our hearts truly are.

So what I am left to conclude after much reflection is that perhaps the scripture  "Judge them by their fruits" is being used in a way that it was never intended; to judge our neighbors.  And even if I am wrong, and that is definitely a possibility, for me in my life, I feel more comfortable using it only in self-reflection of what my own fruits say about my innermost desires.

The Glass Is Have Full

One of my children has been struggling with pessimism lately.  So we talked about the glass being half empty or full analogy, and decided that every night before bed, we would try to think of 3 things that were positive that happened during the day.  In an attempt to help him adjust his mindset, it's made me reflect on my own perspectives, and I realized that I could use a little tweak in the way I see things as well.  One thing that really helped was a letter I received from Margret, the 10 year old girl from Uganda that we sponsored to attend school this year.  The kids all did a myriad of jobs all summer to earn the $250 cost of her schooling, uniform, books, and supplies.  I was really proud of their efforts, but never really thought we would ever hear back from her, but we did!  Here is an excerpt from her letter:

"My lovely parents and family from America, I want to thank you for the love and care you have started showing me and thank you for choosing me, I was really very happy when I received such good news.  Thank you for the good hearts you have, my dear ones.  I love you and will always pray for you.  Thank you for the school fees, and books. I am already at school and I won't have to go back home since you are helping me…I remain your lovely daughter, Margret Nabatanzi"

I was having a not-so-great-day before I received this letter, and the sincerity and humility with which she wrote completely turned my whole week around.  If a girl who has been orphaned and lives in complete poverty can be happy and thankful, so can I.  Thank you, Margret.

 

Embracing My Inner Introvert

I have known for many years that I am an introvert, but it has been only recently that I have realized that it's not something that needs to be hidden or changed in order for me to be a better person.  In fact, accepting and embracing my introversion instead of fighting it gives me more peace and enjoyment in my life.  That's not to say that I can't benefit in pushing myself often to do that which is naturally uncomfortable, just that I have come to realize that being an introvert is not a weakness that needs to be corrected.


Here is a quiz I found to determine whether one is an introvert:

True or False?

1. I prefer one-on-one conversations to group activities.

2. I often prefer to express myself in writing.

3. I enjoy solitude.

4. I seem to care about wealth, fame, and status less than my peers.

5. I dislike small talk, but I enjoy talking in-depth about topics that matter to me.

6. People tell me that I'm a good listener.

7. I'm not a big risk-taker.

8. I enjoy work that allows me to "dive in" with few interruptions.

9. I like to celebrate birthdays on a small scale, with only one or two close friends or family members.

10. People describe me as "soft-spoken" or "mellow."

11. I prefer not to show or discuss my work with others until it's finished.

12. I dislike conflict.

13. I do my best work on my own.

14. I tend to think before I speak.

15. I feel drained after being out and about, even if I've enjoyed myself.

16. I often let calls go through to voice-mail.

17. If I had to choose, I'd prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.

18. I don't enjoy multi-tasking.

19. I can concentrate easily.

20. In classroom situations, I prefer lectures to seminars.

The more you answer "true" to these statements, the higher you rank on the introversion scale.  Here are some things that specifically identify me as an introvert:  (Don't judge me too harshly)

--Every social situation I am invited to be a part of, my mind desperately hopes it is cancelled due to sickness on the part of the host, or inclement weather.  I almost always go anyway and have a wonderful time, it's just not something that I would choose over time alone.

--I get butterflies in my stomach thinking of being completely ALONE for a certain amount of time.  If for some reason that time is thwarted, I am in a baaaaad mood.

--Voicemail is one of my most favorite inventions.  Sometimes I utter silent prayers for someone's voicemail to pick up so I don't have to speak to them personally.

--Being in a room full of loud, talking people can be an almost painful experience for me.  I get a little panicky and quickly look for the nearest exit.

--I absolutely MUST have at least one hour to myself every day or I may go crazy.  Literally.  Sometimes I hide in my closet or bathroom in order to get it.

--I prefer Visiting Teachers and Home Teachers that are there for me in spirit but not physically really there.  

--A surprise party would be my worst nightmare come true.  Really.  I'm not just saying that hoping that someone will still read between the lines and go to the effort of throwing me a surprise party.  I really and truly would be horrified if someone threw me a surprise party.

--I am my own best friend.  Yep, that's right.  Robert is also my best friend, partially because he realizes my introvert needs and allows me a LOT of space without making me feel guilty about it.  

--I am seriously scared of the unannounced, well-intended "pop-in".  I have to work myself up to being social so if it's sprung on me with no prep time, I don't like it.

--Even if I have an absolutely splendid time at a social event, it still drains me somewhat emotionally and usually the next day I feel the need to insure that I don't have to be social in order to "re-group."

There are some advantages to being an introvert, thank goodness.  Here are some that I found while reading up on the topic:

* Work Well With Others, Especially In One-to-One Relationships

* Maintain Long-Term Friendships
* Flexible
* Independent
* Strong Ability To Concentrate
* Self-Reflective
* Responsible
* Creative, Out-of-the-Box thinking
* Analytical Skills That Integrate Complexity
* Studious and Smart

*Aren't likely to invade the boundaries of others. They show restraint in social situations and may wait to be approached before others approach you. They may not be the first person someone meets when they go to a party, but they may be the most interesting once someone gets to know them.

*Less likely to put their foot in their mouth. Because they react slowly to situations as they develop, they're unlikely to commit the kind of social gaffes that people who have a higher reactance can make.

*They can feel inwardly contented without needing to share their pleasure in their outward behavior.

*More likely to enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

You may be thinking like I am right now, how ironic it is that a person that is such an introvert like myself, has FIVE children.  The only way I don't go insane is by structuring our lives together so that I know what to count on as much as possible (schedules that I stick to) and also that I put a high priority on what I need to function at my best (time alone).

My son Hunter is also an introvert.  It can be tempting sometimes to force him to play with friends when he simply wants to be alone at home.  Sometimes as parents we may feel we need to "fix" our introvert child, but I have learned to respect his space, still sometimes trying to encourage him to be social, but never forcing the issue.  The problem is from the moment we wake up to the second we go to sleep, introverts live in an extrovert's world, and there are days when we'd prefer to do nothing more than stay at home. But while our temperaments may partially define us, that doesn't mean we have to be controlled by them--if we can find something or someone that motivates us to push beyond the boundaries of our nerves we can find the will to emerge outside of our comfort zone.  Or maybe on some days, we can just be satisfied with staying completely within our comfort zone and that's okay too.  So, #1.  YES I fully accept that I am an introvert  #2.  It doesn't have to limit me.

My Favorite Child

Many years back when I was probably 14 or 15, I read an article in the Reader's Digest about a mother who had each of her children convinced that they were her favorite child and it wasn't until her death when the children were talking that they discovered over the years she had written them each letters telling them throughout their lives what she loved about them and why they were each her favorite child.  It wasn't a lie because they were each her most adored child in different ways.  I don't know why that article had such an impact on me, but I filed it away in the back of my mind until I had children, and then attempted to implement the same thing with my children.  Unfortunately, the discovery that the other children were favorites too, was stumbled upon much before my death when Elisabeth burst into Hunter's bedroom, overhearing me tell him all the reasons I loved him and that he was my favorite.  In tears she exclaimed, "I thought I was your favorite!"  Oh freaking no.  And then from the kitchen, one of the other children chimed in, "I thought it was me!"  And in an instant, my Reader's Digest moment was blown to smithereens, as I frantically attempted to explain that each of them had a special place in my heart reserved just for them and that, indeed, they were each my favorite child in individual ways.  Perhaps reenacting my Reader's Digest moment wasn't an optimum idea now that I think about it, and Elisabeth is probably scarred for life because of it.  ANYWAY . . .

Of course most of us love our children equally and would never admit even to ourselves that one of our children was our favorite, but sometimes we just "click" with a certain child better than others or maybe one of our children has been easier to raise and so we have less conflict with them and so it seems like they are our favorite.  Maybe it alternates with age when our parenting skills seem better honed to parent certain aged children.  For me, I find myself enjoying and adept at handling toddlers and teenagers the most.  If you happen to really understand and "get" one child's personality better than another, how do you balance the relationship out with the one that is more difficult, making them feel equally loved in spite of your differences?  I think we've all experienced looking in on another person's family and from the outside it just seems so obvious that they favor one of their children over the other(s).  Most likely, they aren't even conscious of what seems fairly conspicuous to those observing from the outside.  Hopefully that is not me!  I genuinely don't feel like I have a favorite child.  Okay, maybe on certain days if one child is particularly difficult I may prefer being in the presence of the others over the child giving me stress, but overall they are all my favorite in different ways.

Christian is my favorite because he was my first child--the child that made my lifelong dream of being a mother come true.  He is wise and mature for his age and pleasant to be around.  He has a bright intellect and is a natural born leader.  He has no interest in peer pressure and has confidence in what he wants and who he is.  He is brilliant, very independent, self motivated, and determined.  He makes us look like way better parents than we actually are.  Ha!

Madison is my favorite because she was my first girl and I my whole life I always wanted a daughter.  I take great joy in how different she is than me.  She is vibrant, active, fun, and happy.  She always has a positive outlook on life and innately desires to help people.  She is wonderful with small children.  She has lots of friends and naturally steers clear of girl drama. (Thank goodness)  She is down to earth and does not require much to be happy.  She tries hard at everything she pursues.

Hunter is my favorite because of his peaceful spirit.  He was born during one of the most hard and lonely times in our lives--10 days before our move to Oregon where we knew not a soul and then subsequently moved 4 more times in the next year and a half.  He was a happy, easy baby who slept well and entertained himself for hours and made life more bearable during that time.  He thinks deeply, uniquely, and quietly.  He excels at anything he puts his mind to.  He is a quiet leader that draws people to him without even trying.

Elisabeth is my favorite because she has fire inside of her.  This girl is going places!  Her delicate femininity may convince some at first that she is a girly girl, but she is a fighter and loves tigers, wolves, and dogs because they are just like her!  :)  She is incredibly smart and has a firm grasp on her free agency; she will use it for much good in her life I am sure.  She is smart and has a strong opinion on just about everything!  She is also my only cuddly child, which I love.

Ashton is my favorite because he is my baby.  I am his favorite and that endears me even more to him.  He takes life very seriously for someone his age, and because of this, reminds me of myself as a child.  He has strong boundaries that must be respected and is a constant source of joy for the rest of his siblings.  He is proving to be quite the little artist too!

As you can see, I am lucky enough to have 5 favorite children!

This weekend we had a neighborhood Halloween party at our house.  Here are some pictures:

Elisabeth and Sierra right before the party started.

Decorating cupcakes

Spider scavenger hunt

Find the eyeballs among the worms, relay

Candy corn relay

Making sparkle pumpkins

Ashton's Frankenstein cupcake

Hunter and his two bestsies

A Parental Pat On The Back?

A couple of days ago, we had the opportunity to attend Christian's induction ceremony into the National Honor Society.  It was quite an elite group of kids being recognized with a regimen of service, exceptional grades, and leadership required for acceptance.  The keynote speaker urged the students to recognize their parent's role in them being there and encouraged them to thank them for all of their efforts.  I have to admit that it was a pretty proud moment for me.  But the more I have reflected on that night, the more I realize that the pride I felt was a little misplaced.  Let me explain.  I was, and am, incredibly proud of Christian for his academic accomplishments.  However, I think that pride in myself for helping him accomplish those things is not somewhere I feel comfortable going because he has done it 99% himself, and the 1% of effort on my part was just pure joy for being able to participate.  He has naturally excelled at learning his whole life, and that is what he spends his efforts pursuing--hours and hours every day by himself down in his room.  Of course, as a child we helped him with his homework but it didn't really require a lot of effort on our part even then because he thrived on learning and was innately good at it.

Next, my mind went to my daughter Madison who we in fact do spend hours upon hours with studying and teaching while she cries, fights with us, is frustrated with us, and us with her.  Besides doing homework with her on a daily basis, we have hired tutors, had her evaluated, talked to teachers and counselors endlessly, prayed for her success, and yet the result has been less than stellar as far as grades are concerned.  Even though her grades aren't all A's, we are equally proud of her as we are of Christian because of her extreme effort.  If you could see what my husband and I, as well as many many other parents go through with students that struggle like her, you would promptly award us the Parental Job (as in the Old Testament, Job) Award.  However, none of us will ever sit in a school auditorium and be given a parental pat on the back for our students with mediocre grades, even though we probably should and our children probably should as well because of their perseverance in the face of hardship.  It is tempting to directly connect a student's academic performance with a parent's efforts, but this definitely should not be done because it is not accurate to assume that a student with straight A's and a student with B's and C's had more or less parental involvement.  In fact in our case, it is the opposite; we have had to be way more involved with Madison than we have with Christian--we just get more praise for his academic successes than we do for Madison.

I realize their intent to point out to the students that they needed to be grateful to their parents for their help and support came from a good place, but in my situation, it wasn't really deserved like it might have been for other parents there and I don't wish to take any of the credit away from Christian.  It has made me think about things I wouldn't mind getting some credit for in raising my children, because they are things I highly value and have put a lot of effort into.  These are some of the things:

*Children that know how to work hard.

*Children that are joyful and balanced individuals.

*Children who are grateful.

*Children who are service oriented.

*Children who are independent.

All other things involving talents, school, and personal spirituality are more up to them to grasp and pursue and really aren't so much a reflection upon Robert and I as parents in my opinion.  And doesn't it all just boil down to free agency anyway?  You can offer your kids every opportunity, and create a perfect environment for them in every way, but ultimately it is all up to them whether they take ahold of the opportunities given to them.  So really, for me at least, I feel comfortable being proud of what my children accomplish, but don't really plan on connecting their accomplishments to myself or equating my value as a person to their successes or failures.  Which leads me to my final thought:  I feel the more you are able to detach your children's accomplishments and failures from yourself, the less their life becomes about YOU and the more it becomes about THEM, which is how I believe it should be.  I think having a child's motivations be clearly internally centered within themselves, instead of coming from external sources of motivation such as parental approval is vital in a child's development.  Ultimately, I have decided that I want my children to choose good choices in their lives because that is truly what they want, not because they think it's what I want.  That may work for a while, but I don't think being externally motivated by Robert and I will create lasting convictions to good things.  Therefore, lately I have tried more to center my children's accomplishments on them.  I always tell them I am proud of them, but instead of stopping there, I say "How did you feel about what you just accomplished?"  Hopefully this will help them be more in tune with the importance of pride in themselves, outside of me, when they accomplish something great.  What do you think?  Do you think a parent has the right to take partial credit for their child's accomplishments?  Do you think internal motivation is more important than external motivation?

Jackson Hole

We went to explore Jackson Hole over Fall Break.  It was beautiful and such an adventure!  I made a music slide show if you want to see our trip.  It probably won't work on an iPhone or iPad.

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My Autumn

AUTUMN

It's autumn time inside me, as I feel.
It's cool and lucid, and I see quite clearly, 
although I'm sad, I am not despaired, really, 
and I am filled with patience and good will.

And if, at times, I do get wild indeed, 
I do it when I fade and leave my foliage, 
and then I come to sad and simple knowledge
that rage and rampage isn't what we need.

But what we really need is just a chance 
to see the raging world and our own selves
in all the bareness of autumn spells, 
when we can see all through, at once.

Enlightenment is the child of peace and calm.
So never mind if we don't rage and riot.
We'd better shuffle off all wrangles and keep quiet
in order that we see new foliage come.

Something has happened to me, for I trust
and I rely exclusively on silence
where leaves pile on the ground, tired of violence, 
and turn, inaudibly, to earth and dust.

Then you see all, like from a mountain bed, 
when you can dropp your foliage duly, 
and when your inner autumn gently, coolly, 
will put its airy palpi on your head.

--Yevegeny Yevtushenko

Yes, it is true.  I am in my Autumn.

From my hike up Mt. Olympus this week.  The mountains:  A temple to my soul.