Ramblings and Maui

Summers are hard for me.  I wish I could be one of those moms that relished 3 months of long, hot summer days with her children, but I'm not.  I think one month of summer vacation would suffice.  The kids could have a nice long break, we could fit all of the regular summer activities into this month, easily, and their brains would not waste away for 2 more months, regressing in everything they had learned over the school year.  If summer was just one month, I could have enough stamina to be my own idea of an ideal mom where I had the energy to be happy, energetic, creative, interactive, and a good teacher.  Whereas now, being 2 months into summer, I try and think of errands I can run to get me the H out of here for a while.  I find myself daydreaming of the long lost days of the school year when we could be separated for the majority of the day and I could blame the few hours we had together during the day on the "sad" fact that the state requires them to be in school.  Then when they walked through the door after a long day, we could feel joyful at being reunited once more.  I could rejoice in the fact that none of them wanted to kill each other so obviously they are close and care deeply for each other, and that the house remained cleaner longer so I must be a really neat and organized person.  I really do love my children.  I think my stress during summer is due to the fact that I feel the need to structure it in order to survive and I don't like my children to resort to tv watching and sibling fighting to fill the time.  Although, by the end of the summer, I've been known to order them into some long, quality zoning out in front of the tv.  So what summer really feels like to me is homeschooling with field trips, lots of chores, workbooks, and lots of interaction with me, which for an introvert, is really difficult and taxing.  Also, my children are getting older and their interests are much more varied.  Ashton wants to go to the park or on water slides and Madison wants nothing to do with either of these things.  Hunter is a homebody, and Madison wants to not be at home as much as possible.  I feel much better equipped in dealing with a toddler throwing a temper tantrum than a moody teenager, and now I've got 2 teenagers, and two children who deal with ADD and anxiety, and THEY'RE ALL STRONG WILLED.  Heaven help me.  I think it is possible that I have a form of seasonal depression that I am sure I'm the only known case of, which is lots of sunshine and heat depresses me.  Yep.  If I woke up and the sun was shining on my face, I pretty much know it would be a rotten day.  If however, I woke up and it was overcast and rainy, the day would be sure to be amazing and happy.  I'm so weird.  One time, summer was just getting too dang long and encroaching on my favorite season which is Fall.  I revolted and wore a turtle neck even though I am sure the temperature was in the 80s, which was ridiculous since there was no way I was going to change the weather by my rebelliousness.  Add the fact that Christian left to college, which was an adjustment for me, and the fact that I have a teenage driver that drives me everywhere in order to get practice, and my nerves are shot.  Sometimes I feel like crying and rocking back and forth in the fetal position when I think that I have 4 teenagers I have to teach to drive.  I'm thinking that what I used to view as a high level of patience in older people, may be just a lot of broken souls who just don't care anymore--at least that's where I'm headed.  When I was younger, it seemed like I had long periods of time that were exciting and happy.  Or maybe it was that I had only an occasional bad day so I never really thought about happiness.  Now, it seems I have fleeting joyful moments--perfect morsels that I must choose to see and appreciate before they are gone again.  It's my crazy life, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Really.

A stop headed towards Hana

BUT,  one totally awesome thing we got to do this summer is go to Maui!  My goal was that before Christian went off to college, I wanted one last really memorable family trip.  It was such an adventure--mostly thanks to Robert who researched out the entire island and planned adventures for every day.  By the end, even the kids were worn out and couldn't keep up with him!  Here are some pictures:

Christian at the base of a 400 foot waterfall

Robert turns back into a kid when he's in the water.  I love it!

A beautiful Banyan tree

One of my favorite things: a hike through a bamboo forest.

Yes, I actually went on a zip line tour.  I embarrassed my whole family with my ferrel screams.

Little Ashton was way more brave than me!

Parasailing

Stomach muscles galore.

Robert and Christian on one of their many early morning adventures.

The one and only picture you'll ever see of me in a bikini.  The only reason for it was it's my first bikini at age 40,
and it took 2 years of hard work to look half way decent in it.  5 babies and age 40, I make no apologies.  :)

Ashton lost his second top tooth and was quite thrilled as you can see!

I'm always amazed at the vegetation that grows everywhere!  This is on the Road to Hana.

Christian diving off a cliff

This is us by a heart shaped rock cut out, although it's hard to tell in this photo.

Robert and little E

Paddle boarding.  I loved it.  This is Madi and Hunter.

Handsome Robert

Motherhood according to me

This is motherhood according to me, acknowledging that everyone experiences it differently.

Here's the thing about Mother's Day:  I don't like it.  I love the small tokens of appreciation and thoughtful notes, hand decorated cards, and fancy dinner we have together as a family, but I don't like the commercialization of Mother's Day, the barrage of messages about what mothers sacrifice, and the putting of women on pedestals by well intended people, because after all, Mothers are just people and when we hear only about the pedestal-deserving acts someone performs, we may feel like we could never possibly measure up.  And of course there is always the obligatory talks by youth at church who thank their moms for making their beds for them (even though they're 17), and being such great cooks.  All year long, I love my life and feel fully satisfied and fulfilled, until this one day--Mother's Day comes along and I hear it reduced to pie baking and cleaning up other people's slop and I realize that there are some who truly see it this way.  You see, to me motherhood is a noble thing and I prefer not to hear it in terms that may represent the "ideal mother" as being a martyr as she gives up her dreams and whole self for her children.  Plainly stated, I don't seek that or admire it in others.  When I hear it expressed this way, I feel a disconnect because this isn't what is ideal to me and I would never want that for my girls.  The reason I love motherhood so much is because I chose it consciously.  It wasn't out of obligation of what was expected of me, it wasn't because I was fulfilling any role, it was because I chose it.  I love it because while I have had many many sleepless nights, and wiped too many bums, and cleaned up too many messes that weren't my own, I also have gotten to get to know 5 beautiful and gifted personalities.  I've gotten to experience things again for the first time through their eyes, and I get 5 splendid individuals to spend the rest of my life with.  I feel powerful in the opportunity I have to teach 5 people about so many things.

Motherhood had to grow on me a bit before I could fully embrace it.  I would not consider myself a natural nurturer, as I had been taught and assumed all women were.  But I prayed and I prayed that it would come to me, and although it never really did become natural to me, it did become a learned trait.  More importantly, the love I had for them was fierce and complete.  I realized that I had other valuable traits to offer outside of being nurturing, such as understanding and patience.  I found I was not sweet, but could be very kind.  I found that every mother can be their own ideal; there isn't one way to be a good mother.  When I finally realized and embraced this, I was able to add confidence to my list of good mothering traits.  Now don't get me wrong, there are things I will NEVER enjoy about motherhood:  moodiness of teenagers, late nights, the stomach flu that always spreads to every person in the family before leaving, playing board games, sibling fighting, sticky floors, damaged walls, punishments, temper tantrums, helping with homework, I guess the list could go on and on.  There are also days that I would consider epic failures on my part.  I used to handle these days by privately berating myself for my missteps, but now I know that apologizing and forgiving myself is a much better example to set for my children.  I can honestly say I have no desire to put on any air of perfection to my children.  I only want to be me, a person that is trying her best and doesn't give up.

So every year when we pull out our wallets because it's time to celebrate our mother's sacrifice for us, I feel a little uncomfortable because well, it really isn't much sacrifice when I think about it.  It's really a lifestyle I chose and quite enjoy.  Another blogger I follow said this, "When I think of motherhood as a sacrificial, pedistaled existence I begin to feel sorry for myself and almost ashamed. Motherhood is not like that for me, it's just as much about giving myself what I want as it is taking care of others." (C. Jane Kendrick) I completely agree with this sentiment.  And maybe if one's entire existence as a mother feels like a sacrifice, you are going about it the wrong way.  The mothers I admire most are empowered individuals who pursue talents, education, and a life outside of their homes.  This in turn, makes them happier and their children happier.  I also admire those that press forward in the face of tremendous obstacles with a positive attitude.  I have a friend who is a single mom and works two full time jobs to provide for her kids.  She is almost always upbeat and still makes time for her friends and hobbies.

I must add that I didn't choose only this for my life.  I have a delightful little world that I have carved out all along the way where my soul has been nurtured and fed by things I enjoy.  Yesterday while on a bike ride, I stopped to listen to the birds chirp and frogs croak, and I thought how much I appreciate moments when I feel a part of nature, a solitary person in a small moment with no connections to anyone but myself.

Motherhood is a lifestyle I have chosen, not because it makes me feel good to sacrifice, but because there are so many payoffs, it doesn't seem like a sacrifice.  Motherhood is a gift I have chosen to give myself.  And as my children get older and start to move on, I relish the thought of new opportunities outside of it.

Thankful on Easter

I am thankful today for the sacrifice of my Savior Jesus Christ and for children who remind me often of what the important things in life really are.


Below is a school journal entry from my seven year old.

Who is worth more to you than gold?

"Jesus is nice and he lets all be in hevin and Jesus rocks and he made animals and he made life he is the best."  He included a picture of himself and Jesus and Ashton is saying, "Thanks for the note, Jesus."

Do Something Different

This year, my only goal is to live by the theme:  "Do something different."  As I was taking stock of my life, I realized there are certain situations, problems, and barriers I keep hitting up against over and over again.  Out of habit, I react consistently in the same manner which doesn't solve the issue, but just continues it.  I am in essence living the definition of insanity:   doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I really want to be an active participant in my own life, a sort of gate keeper, choosing my friends wisely, my reactions carefully measured in situations that arise, acknowledging my own involvement in perpetuating harmful circumstances, and making changes as needed.  I feel my life right now is a pressure cooker of long term issues that cannot be solved and unending responsibility.  However, I feel empowered by the fact that I can choose my reactions deliberately, and choose not to participate in situations that are harmful to me.  This involves speaking up for myself, seeking help, getting rid of unnecessary responsibility, taking care of myself, and trying new approaches to old problems.  Just recently, there were two situations that arose that had given me much angst over a long period of time.  I chose a different reaction this time and was able to feel much relief and like I was back in control of my own life again.  I really love the serenity prayer which begins like this:

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There are so many things I realized that I am desperately holding onto in hopes that I can change them.  This is a just a false perception though because I know I cannot change them.  There is a calm that comes with acceptance of things that are out of your control.  As long as I am holding onto hope that things can be different, I feel tremendous inner turmoil.  I will continue to do everything I can to remedy things that I can affect change in, but need to let go of situations I can't.  My little Ashton came home from school and told me about his day recently.  He said he got in trouble, but his teacher told him, "Just do your best, and forget the rest."  Such wise words.  If we are doing our best, we should just be able to forget the rest.

A couple of weeks ago, we went and stayed in Midway for the weekend.  We went to see the ice castles there which was really neat.   Here are some pictures: