Easter Weekend

Highlights:
*Easter egg hunt at Grandma Flynn's
*Date with Elisabeth to see the movie "African Cats"
*Going to see Music and the Spoken Word on Easter morning
*Easter dinner at my parent's house
*Attending Krissy's graduation

Life Laws

Yes, it is true. I record Dr. Phil and watch him regularly on the weekends. (I don't know why admitting that makes me feel like when I was a child and was mortified at the thought that someone might see me with my parent's at Kmart). I love love love the study of human behavior and so watching people's lives who are in shambles helps me learn how they got there, how certain events affected them, and what they need to do to recover. Here are some of my favorite of his "Life Laws" that he lists on his website. It's amazing to me how much free agency we have access to, but don't use simply because we don't realize the power is within us to choose the life we want. I truly believe in the quote by Albert Einstein, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." There are a LOT of "insane" people that I have run across if this is the definition of insanity!

Life Law #2: You create your own experience.
Strategy: Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results. You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.

Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts — which will take a lot of discipline — you'll get the right consequences.

Life Law #3: People do what works.
Strategy: Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others. Even the most destructive behaviors have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it.

Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Payoffs can be as simple as money gained by going to work to psychological payoffs of acceptance, approval, praise, love or companionship. It is possible that you are feeding off unhealthy, addictive and imprisoning payoffs, such as self-punishment or distorted self-importance.


Life Law #4: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
Strategy: Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results. If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it.

Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness.


Life Law #5: Life rewards action.
Strategy: Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions.  Talk is cheap. It's what you do that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions. They are of no value until then. Measure yourself and others based on results — not intentions or words.

Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.


Life Law #6: There is no reality, only perception.
Strategy: Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.  You know and experience this world only through the perceptions that you create. You have the ability to choose how you perceive any event in your life, and you exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of your life. No matter what the situation, you choose your reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event. Wow! I love this one!

We all view the world through individual filters, which influence the interpretations we give events, how we respond, and how we are responded to. Be aware of the factors that influence the way you see the world, so you can compensate for them and react against them. If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.

**Filters are made up of fixed beliefs, negative ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. They are dangerous because if you treat them as fact, you will not seek, receive or process new information, which undermines your plans for change. If you "shake up" your belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, the freshness of your perspective can be startling.


Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.  You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.


Life Law #9: There is power in forgiveness.
Strategy: Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you. Take your power back from those who have hurt you. Hate, anger and resentment are destructive, eating away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

A Very Puppy Birthday

Not that anyone cares besides me and Krissy, but 3 years ago today, our puppies Gidget and Jazzy Jazzster Jemima Jamaican Jew were born.  They were the cutest little puff balls you ever did see.  They have brought so much joy into our lives!  When I woke up this morning, I called Krissy to see if she wanted to celebrate their birthdays by taking them to the park to play.  Buddy Boy and Ash-Bear came along to commemorate the day as well.  Happy Birthday Sisters!!

Yes, I know she needs orthodontia, but I still love her.

Krissy and Buddy enjoyed going down the slide together

Ashton loves his puppy sister

Jazzy loves her adopted brother Buddy Boy

The Spring blossoms were out

Ashton loved getting kisses from Gidget and Jazzy

But Jazzy ended up going down all by
herself!  Good  Girl!!

Ashton wanted to go down the slide with
Jazzy

More fun with Buddy

Frolicking

I love that all four of Gidget's paws are off the ground in this one.  Sooo cute!

Plans

It happened again a couple of weeks ago.  A woman in my ward and I were discussing what our children were up to and I mentioned that my youngest is in preschool and will start kindergarten in a mere year and a half.  To this she exclaimed, "What are going to do with yourself?!  I honestly don't know what I will do when my kids are gone all day, which is why I want more."  (She has 6 right now)  This isn't the first time that someone has expressed absolute bewilderment that I may have plans and goals outside of being a mother.  And boy do I have PLANS!  As shocked as they are that my life may indeed go on after my kids are grown, I am equally shocked that they cannot imagine a life outside of being a mother.  I love being a mother with all my heart and am sometimes sad that they are growing up so fast, but thankfully, I have many interests and goals outside of them.  Here are some of my "big plans" for when my youngest enters all-day school.

*Go back to school and get a Master's Degree.  I desperately miss learning which was a big part of my life up until Christian was about 1.  I can't wait to get back to being around the atmosphere of learning.

*Continue hiking, biking, and being fit and physically active.

*Travel with Robert.  I want to see the world!  I want to serve the world.

*Volunteer work.  I used to have the time to do more of this and I really miss the satisfaction of doing something for nothing.

*Do more with friends and extended family.  I have been extremely focused on my children for 15 years now and often times, other relationships have been put on hold because of this.  I am not one that has ever done a lot with girlfriends, or even had the desire to have a lot of friends.  But in the future, it might be nice to have more friends and do more activities with friends.

*Work at Robert's office.  Maybe this wouldn't be such a good idea, but I always thought it would be fun to work with him and help the business grow.

*Lots and lots of photography.  It's such a passion of mine and I can't imagine my life without it.

As long as my kids are home, they will always be my first priority, but as they grow more independent, there will be more time for me and how I look forward to that!

I know I look extra dapper before the race, but only because
I had massive amounts of ibuprofen and excederin
in me.  I was feelin' gooooood.

This past weekend, I ran the Salt Lake Half Marathon.  It took soooooo much preparation, since it was only a year ago that I sustained a major muscle tear where I couldn't walk for 6 weeks.  At the beginning of last week, I came down with the flu--which I still had on the morning of the race.  It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I thought of how proud I was of my Mom when she went back to college, and I wanted my children to see me pursuing my interests and goals, so I ran it in spite of being sick.  I didn't do well at all, but I FINISHED!!  My kids greeted me at the finish line and they were proud of me.  But most importantly, I was proud of myself.

Someone should have told me how lame
these glasses looked on me...  This is me
after I crossed the finish line.

I Love My Fam-Damily

I recently posted pictures of our Mexican Riviera cruise on my blog here (Party of 7).  And while it was definitely an adventure and had lots of fun moments providing many memories that I am sure we will look back on fondly, it was still a FAMILY TRIP--which I think we all know is not relaxing and rarely enjoyable for the parents.  Here are some "fond" highlights of our trip:

*Elisabeth from some unknown reason started FREAKING out about having sand on her body while at the beach.  Heaven only knows why the previous 2 hours of frolicking in the sand did not bother her, but after her screaming and writhing in pain as if being tortured for about 30 minutes, Robert decided the best thing to do was to try to wash the sand off her in the ocean.  Very logical conclusion, right?  Picture this:   Robert carrying Elisabeth out to the ocean, all while kicking and screaming "No Daddy!  You're going to DROWN me!  NOOOOOO!"  He then proceeds to dunk her repeatedly in the ocean while she flails and screams at the top of her lungs that she is being killed.  I have to admit, it seriously DID look like he was trying to drown her in the ocean.  As I silently took in the horrified stares of the onlookers around me, I decided the best thing for me to do was to move my towel away from my family so as to not look like the wife of the man drowning his poor daughter.

*A child, who shall remain nameless, became severely constipated while on the cruise.  So our days were filled with hourly updates as to the "status" of his situation and having to force fruit and water down him all day.  You can imagine the consequences of the subsequent BLOWOUT from long days filled with fiber, in a room that was literally 6 feet long by 6 feet wide.  I have fond memories of dry heaving out in the hall after entering his room.  Good times.

*Near the end of our sojourn, I was so incredibly weary of entertaining kids, temper tantrums, fights, power struggles, etc. that I told the middle three kids to please entertain themselves anywhere but where I was on the ship.  Of course I gave them the usual short lecture about not talking to strangers and always sticking together before they left.  Then I enjoyed 1 hour of only the youngest having meltdowns, and it felt like pure heaven.  When the kids came back, I asked them what they had been doing and they said "doorbell ditching" the other passengers. In my temporary insanity, I uttered a silent prayer that they wouldn't get caught and sent them back out on their merry adventure.

*My beloved sound machine which I am severely addicted to and absolutely cannot sleep without BROKE before the first night.  I could not, for the life of me, sleep for the next 7 nights. When I would occasionally start drifting off, I would hear my fellow shipmates drunkenly coming home at 3 am from a fun-filled night of karaoke, jerking me out of my deliriousness.

*Being greeted in the morning, after yet another sleepless night, over the intercom with an overly cheerful ship attendant saying, "Come play Bingo, folks!  It's FINGO lickin' GOOD!"  Really?!  That's supposed to be witty and funny?  And do people really pay thousands of dollars to go on a cruise to play BINGO?!  Apparently they do.

*The nasty stares of people around us at dinner as the youngest refused to sit up to the table to eat, preferring instead to be in the fetal position under the table.  Honestly, we were just happy that he had stopped climbing on us and being hyper.  I was about to go tell the lady off who was being so incredibly judgmental of us with her dirty looks and whispers to her companion, but as is common in our relationship, Robert talked me out of a physical confrontation.  I still wish I had had a nice little chat with her. . .

*In an attempt to get some enjoyment out of the next night's dinner, we took Ashton to his little play group to be tended while the rest of us went to dinner.  When we came back, the lady said he had just barely fallen asleep.  So after a 10 minute cat nap, he tossed and turned next to me, trying to carry on full conversations until 1:30am.

*After being asked what their favorite parts of the trip were, (never a wise thing to ask), Hunter piped up, "The arcade!"  What?!  The ARCADE?!  After threatening him that he had darn well come up with a better favorite thing he answered sullenly, "OK fine--I guess the zip lining was a close second."

*Daydreaming of better, easier days back at home doing laundry, errands, and cleaning while most of the kids were at school.  Enough of this Mexican cruise!  Get me back to my laundry and dishes!!

*Reminiscing about how good the sea otter that I am watching has it, with a slight tinge of jealousy.

*Waking up Monday morning to the aftermath of our trip:

So I did what any good mother would do; got the kids off to school, put a movie on for the youngest, turned on my new sound machine and went back to bed.

Women: Guardians of Virtue?

I realize that the Young Women's General session was a couple of weeks ago, but there have been a couple of thoughts specifically on Sister Dalton's talk regarding women/girls being the "guardians of virtue" that I have not been able to put into words until now.  While I appreciate the overall message of what I think she was trying to portray, here are some of my qualms about the way in which it was depicted.

*Elaine Dalton’s talk said, “Being a guardian of virtue means you will never text words or images to young men that may cause them to lose the Spirit, lose their priesthood power, or lose their virtue.” Why should the young woman be responsible for the young men losing the Spirit, their priesthood power, or virtue?   We are severely underestimating our young men, and placing undue responsibility on young women's shoulders.  When you put women ‘in charge’ of men’s sexual desires and behavior it can lead to extreme practices worldwide (like forced virginity tests) because people believe that a good woman is a virtuous woman and that virginity equals something that is does not.  It equates virginity with self worth. Women are NOT the only guardians of virtue. We’re all in charge of our own and saying it in this way reinforces that men lack proper self control.

*There is an implicit assertion that as sexual beings young men and women are not of equivalent vigor and passion. The sexuality of men is affirmed in so many ways in LDS culture. Lust should be controlled and channeled in specific ways, but male sexuality in general is thought to be a productive if pervasive aspect of life. Female sexual desire, on the other hand, is minimized and it's existence is denied. A sexually empowered woman is not an archetype that Mormonism generally allows. For young women, not being given any validation of one’s sexual nature, being placed in the asexual role of guardian of what is possessed only by another, is a denial of full personhood.

*Chastity, modesty and pornography messages by the church often function in a way similar to cognitive behavioral therapy and they are repeatedly layered into the psyche for years and further reinforced by church culture. They can be very effective, often producing desirable results but they can also subconsciously produce undesirable results such as creating inhibitions and attenuating female sexuality-- an issue that can play out for years after marriage by creating unnecessary guilt and shame. I will not go into detail about this, but suffice it to say that it took me a while to "de-program" how I viewed sexuality after I was married.  The key to avoiding this is to simply present the case against sex before marriage, non-judgmentally explaining the consequences without misstating or exaggerating the penalties.  I highly disagree with telling someone in their youth that immorality is second in seriousness to murder which I often heard at church growing up.  Perhaps someone who has committed adultery and has been through the temple could be held to this standard but in my opinion, it is extremely damaging to tell youth this.  In other words, follow Joseph’s example; teach them correct principles and they will govern themselves. (hopefully) This avoids abridgement of agency by subconscious programming. I want my children to CHOOSE morality consciously, not be programmed and/or brainwashed into it.

*Why is it that virtue and sexual purity are used synonymously?  My understanding of virtue is similar to that which is covered in the 13th Article of Faith:  "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men. . ."  which is so much more than just virginity.  I see it as something that can continually be enhanced and increased throughout one's life.

*Being a guardian means to prevent theft or escape.  So in the analogy of being a guardian of virtue, it implies that one possesses a finite amount of it and that they can only lose it; it is a static term meaning it cannot be added to.

I desperately want my daughters to be full of virtue in the complete sense of the word.  As defined in the dictionary, virtue is:  goodness, righteousness, morality, integrity, dignity, rectitude, honor, decency, respectability, nobility, worthiness, purity; principles, ethics. I want my daughters to know that they are each responsible for her actions, and hers alone. Yes, her actions affect those around her, but that still does not make her fully responsible for another's poor choices.  Just as importantly, I want my sons to know that they are guardians of their own virtue and that virtue entails much more than just remaining a virgin.  You may think that I am being overly critical of this talk, but I take issue with it because of the pervasive misconceptions of sexuality both in the church and in the world.  We need to be especially mindful of how something this important is portrayed to our children.

Party of 7

I know it may seem like we go on a lot of trips as a family, and maybe we do compared to some.  There are certain things I have on my "bucket list" of things to do and places to go and many of the places I have gone in the last couple of years are on that list.  (Yellowstone, New York, Kauai)  I very deliberately plan my life according to things on that list with the view that life can change in an instant, so if I have an opportunity, I TAKE IT.  Live life deliberately, you only have one afterall. Here are some pictures from our Spring Break Mexican Riviera Cruise.  And woohoo to me for my first time out of the country!!

Madison loves making movies and has
always wanted to see Hollywood.  Here we
are with the Hollywood sign behind us.

Matt Damon's star on the Walk of Fame

Cabo San Lucas

Boy were those rooms on the ship SMALL!

The kids loved this real life pirate

The girls got their hair braided in Puerto Vallarta

Me and Robert on the ship, arriving at Cabo San Lucas

TigerDog "skedattling" at the beach

Breathtaking!

Zip-lining through the canopy

This is how clear the water was!

Such a precious little body