A Day at the Shelter

When I first started volunteering at the women's shelter, I think Robert was a little bit concerned if I would be able to handle what I saw there with a certain level of detachment so that I could continue to function in my life at home.  Thankfully, I always seemed to be able to leave whatever I was exposed to there, and then travel home not thinking much about what I had seen that day.  Knowing that the journey out of abuse is complicated and often takes a woman up to 8 stays at a shelter before permanently leaving her abuser, helped me see my job there as a step in the right direction, but not necessarily the solution to end it all.  Usually women come in and they are emotionally abused and/or physically abused but the wounds have faded or are internal in nature.  Yesterday was the first day I saw a new resident come in that was black and blue, beaten to a pulp, and it was incredibly sad and hard for me because her abuse was so much more visible than the other residents I had been exposed to.  She had 3 children, the youngest of which was a newborn.  The newborn had been born premature and was severely underweight for her age and also had a terrible head cold and was therefore screaming uncontrollably.  While trying to give the baby medicine, she asked me to hold the baby to make it easier for her to administer the drugs. Actually holding the baby, screaming and miserable and standing across from the mother, with 2 black eyes forced me away from my healthy detachment and engaged me in a connection with her that I hadn't expected.  It had a profound impact on me.  I couldn't help but wonder what life this child had in front of her.  It seemed so cruel and unfair that this should be her life.  What were the odds of the baby (or the mother) having a happy life filled with opportunity?  To top it off, another woman which I had done the intake for about a month ago, who was schizophrenic and involved with a member of a dangerous motorcycle gang had left the shelter and gone back to her perpetrator.  Such tragedy.  And after seeing all of this, I got into my luxury car, picked up my happy, well adjusted son from private school, and went home to my lovely and safe home.  It was sort of a surreal and stark contrast of realities to me.  Why am I not her, and why is she not me?  Life of course is full of personal choices that lead each of us down one path or another, but the paths are so much thornier for some, with fewer paths to choose from when one is born into abuse and poverty.  There is nothing fair about it.

Knowing that I volunteer at the shelter, people ask me all the time what things would make a difference in these women's lives.  My answer would be education, without a doubt.  But how do they get education when they are emotionally broken, with little to no support from family and friends, and very often on welfare?  It's messy and complicated and most of them will never get what they truly need and will therefore live lives mostly full of pain and suffering.  Their children will most likely grow up seeing abuse and therefore perpetrate abuse or become abused themselves.

I don't really have a pithy conclusion to draw this whole experience to a satisfactory conclusion, except to say that I suppose it's beneficial for every person to come face to face with human suffering every once in a while.  There's something to be said for not just cognitively knowing suffering exists in the world, but seeing a part of it first hand.  It changes you.

It reminded me of this cartoon I saw:  MARK TWAIN: An educational journey.  The more you are exposed to humanity at large, hopefully, the more compassion and understanding you have.  Which is also why I hope to travel a lot in my lifetime, or at least get out of my neck of the woods because there really is suffering all around us at all times.

What If

What If . . .

You were already enough just the way you are?

What if, no task, responsibility, duty, role, or job you ever could do would improve upon the worth you already had?

What if, you realized you are worthy of everything good,
simply because. . .

You were born.

Would any of these things make a difference in how you walk through life?  Of how you interact with people or view your place in the world?  Because these realizations have changed me forever.

WITHIN
By Carol Lynn Pearson

I read a map once
Saying the kingdom of God
Was within me.
But I never trusted
Such unlikely ground.

I went out.
I scoured schools
And libraries
And chapels and temples
And other people's eyes
And the skies and the rocks.
And I found treasures
From the kingdom's treasury
But not the kingdom.

Finally I came in quiet
For a rest
And turned on the light.

And there
Just like a surprise party
Was all the smiling royalty--
King, Queen, court.

People have been
Locked up for less, I know.
But I tell you
Something marvelous
Is bordered by this skin:

I am castle
And the kingdom of God
Is within.

Sometimes "coming in quiet" to yourself is the most important thing you can do.  And what you hear may astonish you.

You are already enough.

Madison Turns 14

This weekend we celebrated Madison's 14th Birthday.  She chose to have a girls weekend in Salt Lake with Elisabeth and I.  We got our fingernails done, went to the Cheesecake Factory, went shopping at City Creek, stayed overnight at a hotel, and had the rest of the family come up for cake and ice cream and to go swimming.  One of my favorite things about Madison is her grateful heart.  The whole week before she couldn't sleep because she was so excited to go, and she kept telling me every day how much she loved me.  Then, the whole weekend, she kept saying "I can't believe how lucky I am!  This is the best day of my life!  Thank you, thank you!"  We had the best time together!  How I love this girl.

New shoes!

Dressing room fun

City Creek

At the hotel

 A new iphone!!!

Boy was she excited!

Swim fun

Madison, age 14

The Sky Is Falling! Or is it?

It seems if you turn on the news, you are bombarded with doom and gloom.  We are losing our freedoms, cry some!  There is poverty, abuse, decaying morals, rampant crime, children being born out of wedlock, high divorce rates, civil unrest, and rampant obesity!  I could go on and on.  It would lead some to believe that we might as well hide in our underground bunkers, waiting for the end of the world to happen any day.  And in truth, all of these things do exist and are indeed alarming.  But what does it do to us when we start to believe that our world is quickly slipping down to hell and that there is no hope?  What does it do when we set our world up to be an "us versus them" system of belief?  On the other hand, in spite of these things, there is a tremendous amount of good in the world, and even great strides in advancement in many areas.  It would seem that we must choose between the two:  Is the world an evil place that we must guard against at all times?  Or is there still much good in the world and have there been truly great occurrences that are easy to overlook because the news sensationalizes events and only tells the negative?  I ask this question, simply because embracing one or the other results in a paradigm shift, wherein one is either hopeful, seeking to find the uplifting and beautiful, or fearful, expecting to see evil everywhere one turns.  I found an article that kind of surprised me the other day.  Here are some snippets from it:

*The percentage of teenage girls who have had sexual intercourse has declined from 51 percent to 42 percent since 1988.

*Abortion rate among teens has been falling dramatically in recent years. It is down 42 percent from 1990 and is at its lowest rate today, since 1972.
*Perhaps things are getting worse in other areas besides morals. Maybe they are referring to crime. But according to FBI statistics, the violent crime rate today is half of what it was 20 years ago.

*How about marriage? There are so many more divorces today, right? It depends. Divorce rates today are higher than they were 50 years ago. But the divorce rate today is 1/3 lower than it was 20 years ago, according to the Census Bureau.
*The number of people living in poverty (less than $2.50/day) has decreased from 75% in 1981 to 57% in 2005.
*Infant mortality rates have fallen over 60% internationally over the past 50 years.
*Life expectancy across the world is over 30% higher today than it was in the 1960s.
*Cancer rates in the U.S. are on the decline and are lower than they were in 1975.
*Since 1990, the number of people with access to improved sanitation has increased by 50%.
*AIDS is in slow retreat throughout the world. According to the UN, “There were more than 700,000 fewer new HIV infections globally in 2011 than in 2001." Africa has cut AIDS-related deaths by one third in the past six years.
*Due to advances in stem cell research, nanotechnology, and gene therapy,we’re poised to manage/cure a variety of diseases, such as most forms of cancer, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s diseases, Multiple Sclerosis, blindness, and many others.
*The fact that “bullying” has become a national issue in America speaks volumes to the degree to which we have become a more civilized people.
*Between 1973 and 2009, the number of violent crimes in the U.S. has dropped from 48 to 16 per 1,000 people.

*The number of people per million (total global population) who have died in armed conflict dropped from 235 in 1950 to 2.5 in 2007, despite an increase in the number of smaller conflicts.

*Admittedly, there are several active conflicts today in places such as Syria, Sudan and Afghanistan. However, that is a difficult argument to make when compared to the past. In contrast to the first 50 years of the 20th century and the devastation of two world wars during that period, the world has been a relatively peaceful place to live in recent years. (--taken from an article written by Richard Davis who is a professor of political science at Brigham Young University)

I am not suggesting the absence of problems or evil in the world today or that one should turn a blind eye to turmoil in the world.  In fact, I actively arm my children to be prepared for hard things and to be courageous in the face of evil.  However, to make the blanket statement that things are getting worse requires more than a declaration — it needs evidence. Yet, there is evidence that, in many respects, things are getting better, not worse.  Hopefully, besides arming my children to stand for the good, I am also arming my children to do as the 13th article of faith states, ". . . If there is anything virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."  

I always loved Gordon B. Hinckley's sense of tremendous optimism.  “Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine.”  I believe one creates their own reality according to what they choose to see, day after day.  President Hinckley had a spirit of peace because he chose to seek peace in his life. 

So although there are terrible and evil things happening throughout the world, living in fear paralyzes us from acting to remedy the situation.  It makes us feel like we must be ready for a fight at all times.  Living with hope that things can be better and that the good will always prevail, aids us in being proactive in effecting change and in being happier people.  And maybe, the sky isn't falling just yet.

Trying Not To Be A Pharisee

This year, my morning scripture study has centered on the New Testament.  I have been both fascinated and delighted in the patterns that I have found Jesus exhibiting through his life and in his parables.  What I find most monumental is that I have observed him to be at every turn, "thinking outside the box", often times stunning his apostles and everyone around him with his unexpected approach to dealing with others, most often the outcast of society.  His behavior never centered on the sin or the sinner, but in the treatment of that person by himself and others.  It seems he acknowledged the sin of a person, but saw the ill treatment and judgment of the sinner as a more grievous transgression than what the sinner had actually committed.  He constantly bucked the rules or commandments of the time in favor of a higher law.  I often wonder if Jesus were to come again and chose to drink wine while partaking of the sacrament, if people would profess that it couldn't possibly be him because they were so honed into the law, the law, the law.  Here are some observations on the Pharisees during that time.  I believe that Pharisees had a view of religion which is by no means dead today.

*Pharisees were more concerned with the preservations of their own holiness than with the helping of another's sin.  They were like doctors who refused to visit the sick lest they should be injured by some infection.  They shrank away in fastidious disgust from the sinner; they did not want anything to do with people like that.  Essentially their religion was selfish; they were much more concerned with saving their own souls than to save the souls of others.  And they had forgotten that that was the surest way to lose their own souls.
*They were more concerned with criticism than with encouragement.  They were far more concerned to point out the faults of other people than to help them conquer these faults.  When a doctor sees some particularly loathsome disease which would turn the stomach of anyone else to look at, he is not filled with disgust; he is filled with the desire to help.  Our first instinct should never be to condemn the sinner;  our first instinct should be to help him/her.
*They practiced a goodness which issued in condemnation rather than in forgiveness and sympathy.  They would rather leave a man in the gutter then give him a hand to get out of it . . . The Pharisees were people who believed in strict obedience to a literal interpretation of the Law. They advocated adherence to the traditions which had been handed down to them, and they saw themselves as set apart, or different from the world.

*They practiced a religion which consisted in outward orthodoxy rather than in practical help.  Jesus favored the saying from Hosea 6:6 which said that God desired mercy and not sacrifice, for he quoted it more than once (Matthew 2:7).  A man may diligently go through all the motions of orthodox piety, but if his hand is never stretched out to help the man in need he is not a religious man.  The tendency of their teaching was to reduce religion to the observance of a multiplicity of ceremonial rules, and to encourage self-sufficiency and spiritual pride. In my opinion, we should not be merely helping those who are easiest to help, but those who society views as outcasts, those who don't go down the path that we think a "good" person should, and those that are different than ourselves.  Similar to the pharisees, I see a desire to set ourselves up as LDS people as being the only good in the world and the rest of the world as evil, when in truth the good and evil is a division found in each and every soul.  And while I acknowledge that adherence to the commandments is vitally important, it seems that for some, obedience to the commandments includes bludgeoning over the head, those who either don't obey the commandments, or interpret them differently than themselves.  2 Nephi 26:30 states: . . . And except they should have charity they were nothing. . ." which is an important reminder that all of the other works we can participate in this life, pale in comparison to the act of charity in how we treat others.

If you’ll recall, the first four Gospels cover a lot of Christ spending time with publicans, sinners, and other “unclean” types. The Pharisees and Sadducees—two Jewish groups who famously didn’t agree on hardly anything—judged Christ harshly for the company he kept. The apostles spent approximately 3 years with him in the flesh as well as an additional 40 days with the resurrected Christ and up to this point they just didn’t get it.  The entire time, Jesus had tried to teach them by example that society was changing; the separation between clean and unclean or Jew and Gentile had to go.  Now, through a revelation, Peter finally got it and proved that everyone is equal before God and you have no excuse to stand “holier” than anyone else.  No one is common or unclean. “God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean” (KJV, Acts 10:28).

I don’t mention this to make anyone feel judged; this is a much a call to repentance for myself as it is for anyone else.  I admit that I struggle in the tendency to judge those I view as too simplistic in their views of religion.  But yet, no one is common.  No one is unclean, or perhaps they are, but it should never be our responsibility to make this judgment. The more popularly quoted scripture comes a bit later in verse 34, stating, “God is no respecter of persons.” But I prefer the version in verse 28.  I should not call anyone common or unclean.  We teach our Young Women that everyone is divine in nature.  This is the underlying principle here.  No one gets shunned, no one gets left out, and it is not our place to decide if someone is common or unclean.

This is a topic that is important to me because I feel I have never really fit in to the Mormon culture, try as I might.  I have often wondered, "Where is my place?  Am I needed here?"  But I keep plodding along, persevering in every outward way I can, even though I many times feel alone.  I am content with the strength of my personal relationship with my Savior, although I feel sometimes alone in his church.  I am frequently left feeling that I am not wanted, unless of course I can conform my opinions, perspective, and thoughts to the majority.  The pressure to conform is BRUTAL in our church and there are many victims of this brutality.  Believe me when I say I have tried very hard to conform.  I have a questioning and searching mind and it will never be any different, and I am only now realizing that that is okay and that I do have a place and a perspective that should be valued.  I believe in the Body of Christ analogy found in Corinthians; basically, we all make up parts of Christ's church (or body) and therefore, all parts are needed and in fact, depend on each other.  What I desperately wish however, is that we weren't so hard on each other and realized the value in differing points of view.  I will always be fine no matter how I am treated because I have a firm foundation and a great husband that supports me, but I am concerned for those I know who aren't as firm and don't have the support that I have.  What happens when a woman finds she enjoys working full time instead of child rearing?  Does she fit?  What happens to someone that is gay and chooses to attend church?  Do they fit?  What about a Democrat or a feminist?  What is to become of them when they feel the pressure to fit a mold that they can't possible fit into or don't want to fit into?  What good is only one viewpoint in every situation?  What good is alienating all differences until everyone is one vanilla carbon copy of each other?  We are strengthened in our differences when we allow them to challenge our preconceived notions of something, or widen our ability to love all of humankind.  What good is talking about Christ leaving the 99 to seek the 1, if the 1 feels drop kicked out of the church?!  What is the higher law?  That we attend church to be strengthened in our view that LDS people are favored, and more choice than others and how evil the world is and we need to protect ourselves from the world?  Or is it more important to create an inclusive environment where everyone feels welcome, valued, and we view our fellow humans as worthy of befriending and having something to offer us?  Sometimes it feels to me like we go to church for that continual pat on the back wherein we are reminded that we are indeed better than everyone else.  As I said before, there are ways in which I too, perpetrate pharisaical behavior when I assume that a person who has certain viewpoints is a simpleton, which I am working on.  

Joy does not come from from being right.  Joy comes from doing right.  It is far more important to do right than to be right; and what does it mean to do right? The right that matters is doing right by others. This is what Jesus taught by his words and deeds. The Pharisees were very worried about being right, but had little interest in doing right. To what extent am I being like a Pharisee is an important question we should all ask ourselves. Worrying about being right can be a huge obstacle to doing right.  It can be a beam in our eye, that is keeping us from seeing the right thing to do.

It is far more important to do right than to be right. As we do right by others, with no expectation of reward, or even like treatment in return, we will have joy. We will learn that we can have joy despite all the sorrow and challenges on this earth, and that we can do it in “all of living” as we are commanded.  And instead of being harmed by those who are outcast or different for whatever reason or being "infected" by those we feel threatened by, just maybe we can be taught, uplifted, and our love for others can be expanded.

Crossing the Alps

William Wordsworth wrote an account of his quest one summer, in the company of a school friend, to cross the Alps.  With youthful vigor and highest hopes, he throws himself into the adventure.  Day after day, and week upon week, they approach the summit, anticipating the joyful climax of their journey.  Losing the trail, they wander about for some time before happening across a peasant whom they ask directions from.  Their confusion turns to disbelief, then disappointment.

                       And, that our future course, all plain in sight,
                       Was downwards, with the current of that stream.
                       Loth to believe what we so grieved to hear,
                       For still we had hopes that pointed to the clouds,
                       We questioned him again, and yet again;
                       But every word that from the peasant's lips
                       Came in reply, translated by our feelings,
                       Ended in this, --that we had crossed the Alps.

So anxiously were their hearts set upon the distant goal, so certain were they that the destination would shine forth with conspicuous majesty, that they were oblivious to its attainment.  Sometimes, it is easy in life to do this.  We have goals we are trying to accomplish and we get tied up in the business of being busy and we forget to appreciate what we already have, not realizing perhaps that what we have right now is already so perfect and beautiful that we don't really need anything else.  It's easy to do this with our children, with our eye on the end product, not enjoying the fleeting moment in time of who they already are.  It's difficult to do this when there are sibling fights, teenage moodiness, myriads of messes, and millions of things on your to-do list.  It is something I fight all the time.  But yesterday was different because I chose to live in the moment.  Hunter chose yesterday as his 1 time per school year mental health day off, and it was a perfect day.  It reminded me of days past when he was my youngest child and we spent the majority of the day together.  We played, laughed, talked, lunched, and were quiet side by side.  And I realized, I already have everything I could ever want.

Hunter, Age 1

Me and Hunts at Boondocks

Hunter and the loot he won at Boondocks

Basketball at home on a school day!

A movie on the iPad