When I first started volunteering at the women's shelter, I think Robert was a little bit concerned if I would be able to handle what I saw there with a certain level of detachment so that I could continue to function in my life at home. Thankfully, I always seemed to be able to leave whatever I was exposed to there, and then travel home not thinking much about what I had seen that day. Knowing that the journey out of abuse is complicated and often takes a woman up to 8 stays at a shelter before permanently leaving her abuser, helped me see my job there as a step in the right direction, but not necessarily the solution to end it all. Usually women come in and they are emotionally abused and/or physically abused but the wounds have faded or are internal in nature. Yesterday was the first day I saw a new resident come in that was black and blue, beaten to a pulp, and it was incredibly sad and hard for me because her abuse was so much more visible than the other residents I had been exposed to. She had 3 children, the youngest of which was a newborn. The newborn had been born premature and was severely underweight for her age and also had a terrible head cold and was therefore screaming uncontrollably. While trying to give the baby medicine, she asked me to hold the baby to make it easier for her to administer the drugs. Actually holding the baby, screaming and miserable and standing across from the mother, with 2 black eyes forced me away from my healthy detachment and engaged me in a connection with her that I hadn't expected. It had a profound impact on me. I couldn't help but wonder what life this child had in front of her. It seemed so cruel and unfair that this should be her life. What were the odds of the baby (or the mother) having a happy life filled with opportunity? To top it off, another woman which I had done the intake for about a month ago, who was schizophrenic and involved with a member of a dangerous motorcycle gang had left the shelter and gone back to her perpetrator. Such tragedy. And after seeing all of this, I got into my luxury car, picked up my happy, well adjusted son from private school, and went home to my lovely and safe home. It was sort of a surreal and stark contrast of realities to me. Why am I not her, and why is she not me? Life of course is full of personal choices that lead each of us down one path or another, but the paths are so much thornier for some, with fewer paths to choose from when one is born into abuse and poverty. There is nothing fair about it.
Knowing that I volunteer at the shelter, people ask me all the time what things would make a difference in these women's lives. My answer would be education, without a doubt. But how do they get education when they are emotionally broken, with little to no support from family and friends, and very often on welfare? It's messy and complicated and most of them will never get what they truly need and will therefore live lives mostly full of pain and suffering. Their children will most likely grow up seeing abuse and therefore perpetrate abuse or become abused themselves.
I don't really have a pithy conclusion to draw this whole experience to a satisfactory conclusion, except to say that I suppose it's beneficial for every person to come face to face with human suffering every once in a while. There's something to be said for not just cognitively knowing suffering exists in the world, but seeing a part of it first hand. It changes you.
It reminded me of this cartoon I saw: MARK TWAIN: An educational journey. The more you are exposed to humanity at large, hopefully, the more compassion and understanding you have. Which is also why I hope to travel a lot in my lifetime, or at least get out of my neck of the woods because there really is suffering all around us at all times.
4 comments:
For me it'd be really hard not to take stuff like that home with me every week. I think that was one of the reasons I chose hygiene over nursing because I'm not sure I'd be able to handle that emotionally. I do think it's good for us to see circumstances outside of our own. It helps keep up humble and grateful for what we do have and more in touch with our world and society. It makes us feel deeply and love strangers and feel compassion for one another no matter how close or lacking the relationship is. Thanks for sharing!
I think it is great that you are volunteering and I hope it helps women and helps lead you closer to your dream of getting into graduate school. Your post made me think - this is why I believe nobody is truly good or righteous. Nobody. People argue with me about this, but I think that it is impossible for me to be truly good unless I were to give up all of my luxuries for donation and work my hardest to help relieve severe suffering through donations of time and money. If, for example, there was a starving or abused child in front of me - and I chose to spend my day shopping and purchasing unnecessary designer clothes instead of giving my money and my time to help then what kind of person am I? This is a real life choice I have everyday - or this type of choice. Instead we all give a small portion of time or money to charity and turn a blind eye, but everyone could do way more than we do - but we don't - and nobody judges us for it. Nobody expects people to be that good. I am guilty. I look severe suffering in the face every time I turn on the computer - the messages come in emails, blogs, youtube and I choose to hit delete and return to my privileged life. I have the freedom to work and donate lots more money than I do (by giving up my extras), but I don't want to. I have the freedom to spend all of my free time volunteering or being an activist, but I want to watch TV. Nobody is truly good - we are all sinners. We all know our potential to help but we choose not to or we choose to help a little. I'm not advocating to change this - I just think we need to admit it and all of the people who think they are righteous need to take a reality pill. I know you agree with me that we are all sinners based on our earlier conversations, but there are a lot of people who honestly feel they are righteous and good, yet do nothing or very little beyond taking a meal to their privileged friends every once in awhile, so they can pat themselves on the back.
You have a good heart. I would love to do what you are doing one day, although I'm not so sure how well I would be able to "separate" myself.
This topic really tears at me. I often feel my purpose in this life split. Part of me want to spend my life in service helping and lifting others. The other wants to spend my life providing well for my family, having fantastic adventures and exploring this world. I can't do one without skimping on the other. Obviously, the answer is to have balance--Do both. But, that said, it is hard not to feel guilty when you could always do more.
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