What I Know For Sure

Last night, Robert and I attended our 20 year high school reunion.  (Robert and I met and started dating in high school)  High school was hard for me, as it is for most people.  My tumultuous teenage years were caused by a combination of low self-esteem, shyness, and having moved to Utah from Texas in the 9th grade and not really fitting in.  Although I was never rebellious, the effects of these things still managed to manifest themselves in such ways as lonliness, depression, anxiety, and isolation.  I thought that by attending my reunion, I would feel a tremendous sense of closure, having found self-esteem, accomplishment and purpose since then.  But instead, I found myself transported back to those achingly lonely days where my "personal truth" that I have fought so hard to find was temporarily withdrawn and I was once again Sandy--awkward, big-haired, ironed and starched shirted, shy, lonely Sandy.  Yes it is true that I found my Robert during those years and we had many fun and happy times together, but for anyone who knows how intensely profound a low self-concept can be on your spirit, you will understand how I still could not shake the incredible weight of lonliness I felt.  I found myself overcome with emotion as we left the reunion, not knowing exactly why.  Those feelings have remained and have permeated my entire Sunday as well.  I have felt today like I have an emotional sunburn, where I am hyper-sensitive to things people say, when normally those types of things wouldn't affect me.  But as the day has progressed, I have decided that the difference between that girl in high school, and the one I am now is that I refuse to give away my personal power to others.  I will not allow other people to define who I am or how I feel about myself.  I mourn for the experiences that I must have missed out on because of my shyness, and I wish I could go back and help the girl that I was then, but I can't go back.  And for what it's worth, it has made me who I am today.  I found this statement regarding personal truth:  "Decide what your personal truth is. Every single one of us has one — something we believe about ourselves when nobody else is watching. Our personal truth is what we really say to ourselves when our social mask is off. Once you decide what your personal truth is, then you'll be less vulnerable to what others say. The stronger you feel about yourself and the more confidence you have, the more susceptibility to what others say will decline."  True freedom to find who you are involves learning to control your thoughts because I truly believe that "as a man thinketh, so is he."  So after my brief stint of sadness in remembering how I used to feel and think about myself, I have decided that enough is enough and I need to snap back into what I know my personal truth to be.

On the way up to the reunion at Snowbird, Robert and I talked about the need to live life without peripheral vision.  What I mean by this is that when you are younger, there is the tendancy to look to your left and right to those around you for a means of comparison.  When doing this, you either come out better than them, or with feelings of inadequecy, neither of which feel very good.  What I have found that as you learn who you are and what your limits are, strengths, weaknesses, etc. you are better off not looking around at other people, but comparing yourself to the best YOU.  Having a strong "personal truth" has allowed me to stop looking so close at what other mothers are or aren't doing, other women, or other LDS people.  Of course I still fall into this trap once in a while, but ultimately I think we are here to be our best selves, not to compete with other people around us.

Below are some words of wisdom I came across while reading about personal truth:

What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. (This is my creed.)

You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.

Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)

What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

Every day brings a chance to start over.  Thank goodness!

Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

"Trouble don't last always." (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)

Christian Van Gogh and other summer fun

 At the end of the school year, some of the students in Christian's advanced art class were able to display their art for a couple of weeks at a real art gallery.  Here are some of my favorites of his work:

Pretty awesome, huh?

My sister Becky and her kids have been here for 3 weeks and my kids and her kids have been inseparable.  

Hunter jumping on the trampoline

Miss M jumping on the trampoline--so graceful

All the Brinkman cousins

Ashton found a bird's nest

Talents

I have never really enjoyed talent shows.  There's always the person performing who, in their mind, is way more talented than they really are in reality.  They are usually freakishly dramatic in their delivery and I feel awkward for them and am silently resentful that they are making me uncomfortable.  Then there is the person who can't seem to get enough attention and is ALWAYS performing and they are never more inspired than when they hear themselves perform.  Heck--they even choke themselves up sometimes.  Then there are the people who have absolutely no performing talent whatsoever, but still attempt to come up with something they can do to at least be part of the so-called "talented" group.  If it is a child, then it is endearing.  But if it's an adult, I can't help but feel embarrassed for them because they don't have the sense to be embarrassed for themselves.  The reason why talent shows have always been particularly irksome to me, is that there are so many people with talents that cannot easily be displayed and so they are rarely recognized.  Talent shows are a microcosm of life, where outward talents that are easily seen are frequently given more praise, attention, and importance than those that are more subtle, but equally (if not more-so) impactful.  This is not to say that those that can act, dance, sing, or play an instrument shouldn't be praised for their accomplishments or feel proud of what their hard work has produced, but in raising children, I have found that it is vital to recognize the talents of each child equally whether they be gifts of the spirit, mental gifts, emotional gifts, or those more easily seen.
     At the beginning of each family night, instead of sharing a talent, we ask each child to share an act of kindness or service that they have performed in the last week.  This is my attempt to recognize that how we treat people is perhaps the greatest gift that a person could ever give.  I have some children that excel academically.  They are often praised by their peers, teachers, and school administrators for their abilities.  Of course I am proud of them and every term, I tape each of their report cards to the refrigerator to display their hard work.  But, I am also mindful of traits that my children possess that aren't as readily noticed such as Hunter's ability to quietly lead.  He has an amazing magnetism that draws everyone he comes in contact with to him.  They want to be with him and they want to be like him.  I tell him what a gift this is, and that with his gift, comes great responsibility to be wise in his choices.  Christian has a spiritual and emotional maturity that I have rarely seen in another human being.  While his academic gifts will help him succeed in this world and bring him many accolades, his spiritual and emotional maturity will serve and bless others around him every day for the rest of his life.  How I wish that THIS could be displayed at a "talent" show!  Then there is Madison who is an intuitive, kind-hearted girl with an amazing sense of adventure.  In a rare occurence, she was actually recognized as 1 of 6 students to have lunch with the Mayor because of her hard-working and kind nature.  I was so incredibly proud that someone as deserving as her could be recognized for talents not as easily seen.  Elisabeth astounds me with her artwork--her attention to detail is a sign that she sees what others do not.  She has this ability to "see" in other ways as well.  She amazes me with her questions, observations, and the answers she offers to my questions.  She is mentally and spiritually astute.  Wouldn't that be an epic idea?  To have a talent show in which ALL talents were welcomed and praised?  Each person could tell about their talent whether it be writing poetry, being an amazing friend, having tremendous faith, art, music, etc.  Now THAT would be interesting.
     When I was growing up, I sometimes struggled with feeling "in the shadow" of my sister who had a beautiful singing voice and great acting ability.  She was also much more exciting, interesting, vivacious, and out-going than I.  But my parents regularly took quiet moments to remind me that they valued my obedience, my wisdom (as they saw it), perseverance, and steadfastness.  How these words buoyed me up when my teenage self-esteem was everso fragile!  In later years, I have been able to recognize and appreciate the talents of my sister with absolutely no feelings of jealousy or resentment.  Both my sisters are blessed with a myriad of talents and abilities that I am not, but that I so greatly admire.  I can recognize the beauty of my sisters' abilities, without it taking away from my own worth.  Perhaps I can do this freely because I have learned the value of my own talents and abilities that have gotten me where I am today.  Never would I trade my abilities for those of another.  I admit to maybe wanting to add a talent or two in the next life, like being a dancer--being able to instinctively know how to move my body in a beautiful, graceful way.  But, I would still never want to trade lives or talents with anyone.  I hope that my children grow up knowing that I acknowledge and appreciate their diverse talents and that whether they are outwardly recognizable or not, they are gifts from God.  And they are beautiful.
   

Oh Happy Day

My youngest child is a HANDFUL!  He is extremely strong willed, active, prone to bad moods and temper tantrums, opinionated and stubborn.  But, he is also full of life and light and bursting with personality!  He does things on his own terms and even though he is hard to parent, I can't help but find his opinionated, strong-willed nature very endearing as well.  Typically, if he knows I want to take his picture, this will be reason enough for him to NOT want to comply, so the fact that he was cooperative yesterday when I wanted to take his picture was very unexpected.  His personality is just BURSTING right out of him in these pictures.  And as always, my children remind me to find the zest and joy in life.

16 years of learning

I don't have a perfect marriage, but I have always been what I would consider very happily married. I genuinely love, am interested in, and am proud of Robert and I feel that directed towards me as well. I was pondering what strategies had brought me to this point and thought I would write them down. I believe a sound, healthy, and mutually fulfilling marriage is truly the best gift you can give your children.

*A good marriage is hard, conscientious, consistent work. There are some that think I just lucked into a good marriage which may be somewhat true, BUT we work at it! Sometimes things just flow and are easy, and other times it takes massive amounts of self-control, endurance, and prayer. It is waking up every morning and asking yourself "What can I do today to make my spouse's life better?" There are many I have observed that get married and think that they have "arrived" and now that person has to be with them the rest of their lives without much effort on their part. It's not that they consciously think "I have my spouse, and now I'm done trying", but this is what their actions show. I find this particularly true in temple marriages that end in divorce; you must nourish a marriage everyday like you would a plant. When I think of people that are happily married, I can think of very few because my definition of "happily married" involves people not just simply enduring each other, but enjoying each other--and that takes effort.

*Learn to overlook frailties. I once watched a documentary on people whose spouses had cancer and what they had learned from that experience. The thing that stuck out most in my mind was to accept/overlook your spouse's weaknesses. Believe me, when life is stressful I know how easy it is to get ticked off by the small things. But those things just aren't worth stewing over and hopefully, if you overlook your spouse's frailties, they will learn to overlook yours. It is my experience that most mature adults already know the things they need to improve upon and having another person standing over them treating them like a child, reminding them of all of their failings never helps improve a relationship. If anything, this can cause a relationship to evolve into a parent-child dynamic.

*Allow your spouse to have a "bad day." There are days where everything seems to go wrong and this can end up putting you in a bad mood--it happens to everyone. For me, nothing diffuses a bad day better than Robert understanding, not judging, and wanting to help make it better. The last thing you need when you are having a difficult day is your spouse yelling at you for being grouchy!

*Learn how to show love to your spouse in the way that they specifically want to receive love. I learned this one early on. I am a very verbal person who likes to receive positive verbal reinforcement often. When Robert and I were first married, we assumed that the other person liked to have love shown to them in the same way that we did. So I would constantly tell Robert how wonderful he was, etc, and he would feel uncomfortable and I would then wonder why he didn't tell me things he liked about me more often. When we finally figured out that we both wished to have love communicated in different ways, we were much better off.

*Learn how to argue constructively. It’s how – not whether – you argue that determines your marriage’s likelihood for long-term survival. In college, I learned about an American psychologist named John Gottman, who after spending almost two decades studying couples’ interactions, could tell with up to 95% accuracy which couples were heading towards relationship breakdown and which were likely to stay together, simply by listening to the first five minutes of a contentious discussion.

Gottman highlights four relationship-rotting factors that he rather dramatically calls the ‘Four Riders of the Apocalypse’. They are:

1. Contempt: Displayed by face pulling, cursing at and insulting your partner, and basically acting as if you are revolted. Gottman and his researchers found that the relationship’s days were very likely to be numbered if contempt was a regular feature of the initial phase of a disagreement. Women who showed contempt whilst their husband talked were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

2. Defensiveness: “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pick on me! What’s your problem?!”

Being overly defensive is another major predictor of future relationship breakdown. If one partner begins yelling as soon as the other broaches a subject and behaves as though they’re being threatened or attacked, and this is a continuing and repeated feature of the couple’s interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being defensive prevents communication and severs intimacy.

3. Don’t criticize, do compliment: Critical partners risk irreparable damage to their relationship. This doesn’t mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a simple complaint is much less damaging than criticism.

Criticism attacks the whole person, their core identity (even if that wasn’t your intent); a complaint is instead directed at an isolated behavior. For example: “You are so lazy!” implies they are always like that and it’s a fundamental part of their identity. Whereas “I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That’s not like you!” is time-limited and more specific.

Some people believe they are trying to ‘improve’ their spouse by constantly pointing out their faults. Even if the intention is good, the consequences are not. Public criticism is humiliating (for both partners), but saying nice things when in company is a wonderful thing to do.

4. Withdrawal or ‘stonewalling’: Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when your partner complains is another huge breakdown predictor. Men are more likely to stonewall, while their wives were generally more critical. Male biology is less able to cope with strong emotion, so men may instinctively use stonewalling in an attempt to avoid entering arguments.

The partner may ‘switch off’ to withdraw during conversations or ultimately ‘escape’ by spending more and more time away from the relationship. The danger lies in the stonewalling pattern becoming permanent and that partner using this strategy to isolate themselves from potentially positive parts of the relationship. Everyone needs space, but never responding to emotional issues leaves the other partner out in the cold.

*Good communication skills. I found these tips to remind me of how to communicate effectively with Robert.

Listen, Understand, Affirm

One very important aspect of clear communication is to validate what the other partner is saying. It is important to do this before pushing ideas back. It demonstrates love and acceptance for the other spouse and a respect for the other's concerns. I can't tell you how many times Robert has diffused my angst by listening and understanding why I feel a certain way. He has never made me feel shameful or guilty for expressing a feeling, no matter how extreme it may be. This has definitely built a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy between us.

Accept the emotion

In dealing with difficult family issues, there is often intense emotion involved around problems and crisis situations. Allow for the emotions of the other spouse. Don't take outbursts personally or try to suppress them. Don't condemn, but continue working through the issues.

Don't jump to conclusions. One spouse may have a tendency to try and fix problems. The spouse who has the problem or issue is usually not looking for a quick fix but just to have their concerns validated.

Honesty

When problems do occur, feelings should be shared. Honesty can be difficult. The importance of communication in marriage can not be understated. Communication barriers come from all angles. A spouse may not share their heart for fear of rejection or just wanting to divert or suppress the pain of conflict.

The bottling up of percieved problems and emotions is not healthy for either party. Both spouses need to be able to share their feelings. Sharing issues can be humbling and risky. A partner could be hurt and won't admit it out of fear of appearing weak or vulnerable. The silent treatment sometimes follows.

This downward spiral can happen over time. It can also happen quickly with an inappropriate comments, sour facial expressions, negative nonverbal gestures. Honesty needs to be sprinkled with gentleness and patience.

It takes practice

Poor interaction between spouses is a draining process that can strain any marriage relationship. Regardless of how long a couple has been married, there are times when partners still miscommunicate and hurt each other. Without question, there is always room for growth. It is never too late to improve.

*Time together. Through the years, we have always made time for long walks together, date nights, and long talks. I believe that by far, the best gift that you can give your kids is a joyful, stable, and well-functioning relationship. If you think you can fake it and that your kids won't notice, you're wrong. Tension, resentment, and unhappiness is always sensed by the children and will affect them one way or another.

*Express your gratitude to your spouse often. When we had just Christian, we decided to do a gratitude journal about things we were thankful for in the other person. Every day, we would try to be attentive and observant to the things the other person was doing so that we could write it in our journals. At the end of the year, we were able to read what each other had written and it was very enlightening and incredibly touching. We haven't done this since then, but I know how good it feels to realize that your spouse is mindful of what you do for him/her and the family.

I am definitely not saying I live all of these skills everyday, but I TRY REALLY HARD to think of Robert's needs on a daily basis, and he does this for me as well. I LOVE to be with him and I profoundly admire him in many ways. Hopefully someday when I go back and get my Master's Degree I can live my dream of doing marriage counseling and pass on all of the wonderful things I have learned from being married for 16 very fulfilling years!

Busy busy busy

 The 4th of July weekend was fun PACKED.  We went to the Kaysville Parade, to a swim party and bbq at our friends' house, another get together later that evening at another friend's house and then fireworks with friends and family in our cul-de-sac.  It was extra fun (and crazy) because my sister Becky and her kids came into town.

C, M, H and cousin Britton (Becky's oldest)--notice Hunter's bangs
that sister Madison "kindly" cut for him

Ashton had so much fun squirting unsuspecting
people

My mom, my sister Becky and me

M and Britton

Miss E

Throw me some candy!!

We got this huge blow up waterslide that the kids
played on ALL day.

Elisabeth lost her two front teeth!  (With a little help from our
friendly neighborhood dentist)

Me and Robert before going to the temple with my family

The Gray

I read this quote recently and it added meaning to my thoughts on the need and benefit for opposition in society.

"One of the lessons that emerges quite clearly from the Book of Mormon is that we don’t thrive as individuals, but as societies. There is no such thing in the Book of Mormon as a righteous, prosperous individual surrounded by the poor. The blessings of well-being and prosperity are bestowed upon groups and communities, and not upon individuals. Our well-being as individuals depends, more than anything else, upon being part of a society where people recognize their dependence upon one another, esteem their neighbors as themselves and where people try to extend their blessings to others among whom they live . . . Being part of Zion means recognizing the people who live downstream as brothers and sisters, and taking due regard for them as well as nature."

There are certain extreme factions of society that we, as LDS people, generally steer clear from:  Animal activists, environmentalists, gay rights activists, feminists, those who are drastic in their views of what is "politically correct", atheists, and liberals.  I for one, tend to stay away from extreme views on any topic, but have grown lately in my appreciation for the purposes which opposing views serve.  I think it is the nature of humankind to see the world through our own individual colored lenses, when in fact if we were born into different circumstances, our views would be greatly altered.  I am always conscious of this when I come in contact with a person that I disagree with.  Take the feminist movement for example.  If it weren't for Elizabeth Cady Stanton and 100 other brave men and women who drafted the Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions for the women's rights convention in 1848, demanding equality with men before the law, where would we be today?  She and her supporters were considered extremists in her day, as are feminists in our day.  

How about environmentalists?  Would any of us be at all conscious of conserving energy and natural resources if it weren't for the environmentalists who raised concerns about the future of the Earth?  Whether you agree with them or not, it just makes sense to use and re-use, to conserve energy, and use things that aren't harmful to the Earth, doesn't it?  And while I continue to drive my huge SUV and live in a large home (both of which I enjoy), I also recycle plastic, paper, and glass and am vigilant about turning off lights when I leave a room.  Sometimes I even buy organic food and use cleaning supplies void of harsh chemicals--all because of "those environmental extremists" who brought their concerns into my consciousness.

I am also very thankful for those "politically correct" people who remind me to think of others' sensitivities when they suggest better ways of expressing ourselves in a more sensitive, informed way.  Examples of language commonly referred to as "politically correct" include:

--"Mentally challenged" in place of "Retard" and other terms

--"African American" in place of "Black," "Negro" 

--"Native American" in place of "Indian"

--"Gender-neutral" terms such as "firefighter" in place of "fireman"

--The use of the word "gender" instead of the word "sex" to distinguish males and females

--Terms relating to disability, such as "visually challenged" or "hearing impaired" in place of "blind" or "deaf and dumb"

Can you believe that within my lifetime, it was once completely acceptable to refer to someone as "deaf and DUMB"?!  And while I don't fully understand why certain terms would be offensive to some, I do admit that people who continually refer to all people as "man" or "he", get under my skin sometimes.  Because of this, I try to use politically correct terms when referring to other people.  I realize that sometimes these individuals are overly sensitive and ridiculous in their complaints, but they definitely raise awareness in other people with a different race, history, or experience than our own.

I would even go as far as to say that I believe that if the opinions of all of these types of activists were taken in stride, meaning carefully weighed, pondered and applied in a balanced way, it would promote us to understand and love our neighbor to a greater degree, which as the Apostle John declared “that he who loveth God love his brother also,” and added, “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar” (1 Jn. 4:21, 20). Love of God and neighbor must therefore be inseparably connected.  The quandary is, as I see it, that life isn't all black and white.  It is most often varying shades of gray.  We want to be able to say this person or group is wholly bad,  possesing no redeeming qualities, and therefore we reject everything they say or stand for.  It would be nice if it were that easy, wouldn't it?

In my opinion, there is not enough separation in the "society" of our church between the sin and the sinner or the person and their opinion. Everyone has a story which we can learn from, even the worst and most plagued individual among us. I am thankful for the lessons to be learned from the outliers in society. And while I do not condone their actions which are considered "sinful", I just don't see a person as all corrupt or all honorable. So I will continue to discern for myself between the good and bad in every person, taking the good into my own life with considerable appreciation.