Last night, Robert and I attended our 20 year high school reunion. (Robert and I met and started dating in high school) High school was hard for me, as it is for most people. My tumultuous teenage years were caused by a combination of low self-esteem, shyness, and having moved to Utah from Texas in the 9th grade and not really fitting in. Although I was never rebellious, the effects of these things still managed to manifest themselves in such ways as lonliness, depression, anxiety, and isolation. I thought that by attending my reunion, I would feel a tremendous sense of closure, having found self-esteem, accomplishment and purpose since then. But instead, I found myself transported back to those achingly lonely days where my "personal truth" that I have fought so hard to find was temporarily withdrawn and I was once again Sandy--awkward, big-haired, ironed and starched shirted, shy, lonely Sandy. Yes it is true that I found my Robert during those years and we had many fun and happy times together, but for anyone who knows how intensely profound a low self-concept can be on your spirit, you will understand how I still could not shake the incredible weight of lonliness I felt. I found myself overcome with emotion as we left the reunion, not knowing exactly why. Those feelings have remained and have permeated my entire Sunday as well. I have felt today like I have an emotional sunburn, where I am hyper-sensitive to things people say, when normally those types of things wouldn't affect me. But as the day has progressed, I have decided that the difference between that girl in high school, and the one I am now is that I refuse to give away my personal power to others. I will not allow other people to define who I am or how I feel about myself. I mourn for the experiences that I must have missed out on because of my shyness, and I wish I could go back and help the girl that I was then, but I can't go back. And for what it's worth, it has made me who I am today. I found this statement regarding personal truth: "Decide what your personal truth is. Every single one of us has one — something we believe about ourselves when nobody else is watching. Our personal truth is what we really say to ourselves when our social mask is off. Once you decide what your personal truth is, then you'll be less vulnerable to what others say. The stronger you feel about yourself and the more confidence you have, the more susceptibility to what others say will decline." True freedom to find who you are involves learning to control your thoughts because I truly believe that "as a man thinketh, so is he." So after my brief stint of sadness in remembering how I used to feel and think about myself, I have decided that enough is enough and I need to snap back into what I know my personal truth to be.
On the way up to the reunion at Snowbird, Robert and I talked about the need to live life without peripheral vision. What I mean by this is that when you are younger, there is the tendancy to look to your left and right to those around you for a means of comparison. When doing this, you either come out better than them, or with feelings of inadequecy, neither of which feel very good. What I have found that as you learn who you are and what your limits are, strengths, weaknesses, etc. you are better off not looking around at other people, but comparing yourself to the best YOU. Having a strong "personal truth" has allowed me to stop looking so close at what other mothers are or aren't doing, other women, or other LDS people. Of course I still fall into this trap once in a while, but ultimately I think we are here to be our best selves, not to compete with other people around us.
Below are some words of wisdom I came across while reading about personal truth:
What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. (This is my creed.)
You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.
Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)
What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.
If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)
Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.
Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.
Every day brings a chance to start over. Thank goodness!
Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.
Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.
When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.
"Trouble don't last always." (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)
11 comments:
Great post and quotes of wisdom. I loved your insight and willingness to share your own personal insecurities with the world. I especially love the metaphor of an 'emotional sunburn'. We all have felt those emotioal overexposures throughout life. The truth is we all question ourselves and compare our 'world' and successes or lack thereof with others. We are all secretly insecure and vulnerable. But the true truth as you have said comes from within -- you define your worth and happiness, not things or comparisons. These things are false indicators of inner value.
It is written that perfect faith casteth out all fear. So I say begin by loving who you are--who you really are. See yourself as God sees you. Acknowledge your divine potential. D&C 88 says when everything is finally said and done we will be brought up crowned and made equal with Christ. Equal! That which we feel we are lack today will seam ridiculous tomorrow when we share equally ALL that God hath.
I am glad you're feeling better today. I am surprised that your reunion made you feel that way. You and Robert are so fit and trim, successful in your family life and in your career. But, you still felt lesser than. You are such a beautiful, kind and wise young woman. Never doubt!
Exactly WHY no one will be seeing me next year at my 20 year reunion. Very, very, well written Sandra-I can relate on SO many levels!
WHY must you be so amazingly amazing?!?! Loved this, Sandy. So much insight. I absolutely agree with you - finding your personal truth; it is crucial. I can't believe it's been 20 years since you graduated high school!
Beautiful post Sandy! As always :)
Sandra,
I needed to read your post this morning. I know exactly what you are saying. I have so many of the same feelings in so many ways. I went to a little "neighbor reunion" on Sat. night and was thrown back in time and felt so out of place and insecure and wished I hadn't gone on so many levels. I needed to read what you wrote and remind myself that I get to define who I am. THank you for your raw feelings and emotions. I love you and am so grateful that you are my friend. I learn from you all the time.
I love your blog because you are so honest and genuine. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels feelings of insecurity and bring less than perfect.
However, knowing you now I would never have guessed you felt like this in high school. You are amazing and have overcome so much.
Thanks for the inspiration. :)
Wonderful blog Sandy. Loved every word. Remarkable thoughts. Love you
You always write so beautifully and have so much insight. I know you want to become a counselor/social worker someday and to tell you the truth, you already are my shrink! hahaha I think that someday when you go back to school to get that degree you want that you will cruise through the program because you already have so much wisdom and insight. That's something that can't be learned through reading textbooks.
I loved reading your post. What beautiful things you have written. It is funny that we are our own worst critics. I would have thought you were the high school prom queen.
My favorite thought of yours was not living peripherally and living for others and putting ourselves in front or behind them. I will think of that often and share with others.
Many thanks!
Bravo! I was shocked to discover that you were shy and had low self esteem because we've only known you as a jewel of an individual with terrific individual strength and direction. We've always seen you as a creative, talented lady with class and intelligence. You have deep spiritual feelings and faith and are a strength in the Gospel. Maybe your experiences in high school is what brought you to who you are today. You, who offers fresh insight and hope into the individual roll of womanhood stands in our eyes as a hero. You have a unique talent to uplift others by giving them new views to see themselves and their world. Like your photographs you have a gift to capture the individual spirit and to make it appear as it really is, glorious.
We have been thrilled to have you in our lives since high school days when Robert first introduced you to the family. We prayed you two would marry. You are the best thing that came into Robert's life. Nothing makes parents happier than to see their children happy.
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