GUILT: the "Mother-load"

If you are a mother, you have felt guilt. And lots of it. This is what I have learned through the years about guilt.  There are two types of guilt: healthy guilt, and unhealthy or toxic guilt.

Guilty feelings arise whe something really is your fault. When you feel guilt in this situation, it is your conscience at work, and that is a very good thing. What kind of a world would this be if most people didn't care when their actions had adverse effects on other people? Healthy guilt involves people holding themselves responsible for their actions. Although those actions can't be undone, healthy guilt will motivate people to find ways to better the situation that they caused.

Unhealthy guilt stems from feelings that aren't based in reality or rationality. It happens when people feel guilty for something they didn't cause or couldn't help causing. Unhealthy guilt often gets its roots from guilt and unworthiness that a person has been conditioned or manipulated into feeling. Unhealthy relationships and environments sometimes cause people to feel responsible for things that are really outside of their realm of responsibility. As an example, we cannot assume resonsibility for how others feel because of our actions. It would be healthy to feel guilty for making weight jokes about a woman who is sensitive about her weight, but it would be unhealthy to feel guilty for becoming a doctor when your mother always wanted you to be a lawyer.

Unhealthy guilt also arises when someone blames you for his or her feelings and you take on the blame. Many people have learned to blame others for their feelings rather than take responsible for their own feelings. When you accept this blame, it is because you want to believe that you can control others' feelings. You will feel unhealthy guilt when you accept blame for others' feelings.  While I think it is important to be sensitive to the feelings of others', you should not live your life seeking approval of everyone.

I liked this thought, "A mother’s guilt stems from an inability to give more of herself," but Jane Adams, speaker, author, and research psychologist, offers another perspective. "Guilt is an internal state that is self-defeating and also self-absorbing," she says. "Guilt is all about you, not the subject of your feelings."

The other day, my 6 year old was playing with a friend at our house. I was busy editing photos on the computer when she came in and asked me to make her a sandwich (a 2nd lunch).  I briskly replied, "You can have a sandwich if you make it yourself." A couple of minutes later, she quietly came back into the study and said, "My friend says you are mean to me because I have to make my own sandwich." And.... cue the toxic guilt. I generally have a policy that I don't mind helping my children, but I won't do things for them that they can do for themselves. But, having an outsider declare that making Elisabeth fix her own sandwich was "mean" threw me into a tailspin the rest of the day of, "Am I mean?" "Should I be doing more for my kids?" Obviously, guilt over something like this is absolutely absurd, but this is often the internal dialogue that mother's have inside their heads all day. Thankfully, I now recognize toxic guilt in my life and can rationally talk myself out of it, but there are many young mothers (and not so young) who are plagued with feelings of guilt and inadequacy every day. It is toxic to one's well-being to feel like this because it has such a debilitating effect; lowered self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, a warped relationship with God and what He expects from you, and it sets you up to be manipulated.

If you are prone to toxic guilt, your children (and others) can sense it and will use it to get what they want from you.  Boy have I learned this lesson the hard way!  If you have healthy boundaries and avoid toxic guilt, you will teach people that you can not be manipulated into doing or thinking what they want you to.  For example, when I had my first child, I wanted more than anything to be a wonderful mother to him.  I thought this meant doing everything in my power all day to make him happy.  I remember scrambling to find him a specific cup in the morning because he was throwing a fit for it.  This was how the whole day played out--him demanding things, and me frantically trying to appease him.   I felt that his constant unhappiness was a direct result of my inadequacies as a mother when in reality, I was feeding into his bad behavior.  I felt terrible about myself and in turn, he learned to use this against me.  His behavior got worse.  He expected more and more from me without being grateful and we were both miserable.  So in my efforts to be the best mother I could, I had inadvertently created bad habits and attitudes in my child.  Soon after, I recognized my errors and developed a back bone.  I was able to re-train him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I was the one in charge, not him.

Another more recent example of how I have fortunately progressed, is with my daughter who just started kindergarten.  She is very strong-willed and very smart and so I opted to put her into an all-day kindergarten program.  The old me would allow others to judge me and make me feel guilty.  "Don't you want to be around your child?"  "Isn't she sad to be gone all day?"  If she sensed that I felt this guilt, she would probably start whining and complaining that her day was soooo long, or that her friends didn't have to go all day.  But, I have no guilt because it's not a moral issue.  She will not suffer from being away all day, and if anything, it has improved our relationship.  I constantly tell her how lucky she is to go to this school where there are only 12 students in her class and how I wished I could have worn a uniform to school.  Therefore, she doesn't feel sorry for herself, and I am not taxed with the burden of guilt.  I am happy, and she is happy.

Like many mothers, discerning the difference between healthy guilt and toxic guilt is a daily issue for me.  This is probably because as mothers, we want with all of our hearts to be the best mother possible.  But in the end, toxic guilt lowers our self-esteem, uses up valuable emotional energy and allows us to be manipulated by others.  So next time you are feeling guilty about not making jam like so-and-so, or that your house is a stye, or that you don't like crafts, stop yourself and ask, "Is this a moral issue; something that I am doing that is wrong?"  And if the answer is 'no', LET IT GO.