Out Of My Box: My Life Beyond Zoloft

Of the almost 39 years that I have been alive, Zoloft (or something similar) has been a big part of it for about half of that.  It's never bothered me about being honest and open about taking it because it's part of my life story and it's part of a lot of people's life stories, whether they want to admit it or not.  Depression and anxiety have taken a pivotal part in my life, and I accept and even embrace the truth of that because it's part of my journey.  However, that's only a portion of my narrative.  About a year ago, it really started to bother me that most people I know that take it seem to assume that their brain chemistry "requires" chemical altering in order to maintain their lives, me included at the time.  How is it even statistically possible that with Utah's soaring rates of anti-depressive use, we all happen to be born with chemical imbalances?  When I first started taking it in college, I only meant for it to be a bridge to connect me with better coping skills, understanding my limits better, as well as stopping a downward spiral, which is what I truly believe most people take it for.  Somewhere in there, I just kept taking it because life was stressful and I assumed I couldn't handle it without the crutch of feeling somewhat numb to everything around me.  I recently concluded though that how was I ever going to know if I had emotionally grown and no longer had a need for this drug if I didn't wean myself off at some point?  It also became important to me come face to face with myself.  Who was I without it?  I wanted to feel again, and learn to deal with those sometimes deep crevices of emotion, both the happy and the horrific and not live my life only in the realm of closely varying degrees of middle or non-emotion.  Now don't get me wrong, this is my story and what I ultimately decided was right for me at this specific time and may not be right for everyone.  I put a lot of prayer and thought into it and combined with the fact that I have a very supportive husband, I decided that the time was appropriate for me to go off of it.  And guess what?  I survived.  And not only have I survived the past year, I have enjoyed the self esteem I have gained by handling each thing that comes into my life, not always with complete grace, but handling it none the less.  I have benefited from stretching and combining the abilities of my mind, body, and spirit into figuring out complex problems and situations.  I have accomplished this by accepting help from many differing sources:  Friends, Robert, counseling, lots and lots of self-help books, prayer, meditation, and using exercise as therapy.

What still concerns me about parts of my story is that it is far too common in the community I live in.  In fact, in my research I found that Utah ranks #1 in the nation for rates of depression (with women's rates being twice that of men's) and 7th in regard to suicide rates.  http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-11-28-depression-suicide-numbers_N.htm  You can't tell me that with Utah having a 70% Mormon population, religion does not have a heavy influence on our ranking.  I also found this article: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/story?id=4403731&page=2#.UCRlg6l16nQ  Dr. Curtis Canning, a Logan-based psychiatrist and former president of the Utah Psychiatric Association states in this article as it pertains to depression: "In Mormon culture females are supposed accept every calling. They are to be constantly smiling over their family of five. They are supposed to take supper across the street to an ill neighbor and then put up with their husband when he comes home from work and smile about it the whole time. There is this sense that Mrs. Jones down street is doing the same thing, and there is this undercurrent of competition. To be a good mother and wife, women have to put on this mask of perfection. They can't show their tears, depression or agony. . . Obedience, conformity and maintaining a sense of harmony are unspoken but widely recognized behaviors, which all contribute to what I call "the Mother of Zion syndrome."  I'm not even going to address the fact that Utah has soaring rates of painkiller abuse as well, but suffice it to say, I believe there are meaningful connections between this and our LDS culture as well.

I know this is true because I have felt the intense influence of my LDS community in my own life and there have been times that the strain of attempting to maintain my Mormon status-quo has been absolutely crushing.  It has led me to the conclusion that we do not understand our own religion because if we did, there wouldn't be such an epidemic of depressed Mormon women!  Right?  I don't believe a life of self-loathing and guilt leading to depression is what Heavenly Father intends for us.  It is always important in discussions like this to delineate between the Gospel and the Church and accompanying culture because they are two completely different things.  However, the demands of the two are often so closely intertwined that they are hard to separate and if one isn't hyper-vigilant in maintaining the boundaries of the two, it is easy to succumb to false notions of how one is supposed to be.  

I also think that there is a "one size fits all" mentality in my church that has been immensely ruinous to a lot of women.  For example, if you are a woman, you possess x,y, and z traits and your life course is, and should only be "A," AND please make sure you maintain your womanly role under male patriarchy and if you are really good, we will pat you on your precious heads, reminding you to "rejoice" in your roles as women every women's conference.  This is all fine and dandy until you realize, Hey!  I don't possess "x" or "y" trait and my life either didn't take life course "A", or like me, you believe there are many different life courses that can produce a wonderful life with happy, spiritual children with strong testimonies and you don't like being told you have one option or ELSE.  Not fitting into my Mormon culture is unequivocally one of the factors that led me in my formative years into anxiety and depression and was in actuality the first thing that led me to seek counseling.  You might also be like me and look around the room when things like the evils of working mothers or the malevolence of limiting family size to suit your needs or how all women are innately nurturing (which I am not) are being taught at church and see how blanket assumptions like these make women feel like spiritual casualties when they are perhaps divorced, infertile, single, a working mother, and don't fit the mold.  Or perhaps you are one who is completely comfortable with being taught continually about what your "role" is because you do indeed possess x, y, and z traits and your life course has in fact been "A", and to you I say:  Being comfortable is only a problem when it becomes a decision of who else should be comfortable besides yourself.  

Now what happens when you, throughout your life are required to squash, deny, and hide what I can only describe as what your essence is?  Is there a place in our church for strong, independent, thinking, questioning, feminist women in our church?  There should be a place for every woman, but I don't really hear voices like my own when I go to church, although I know they are probably hiding like me.  I feel like I live my life on "the down low" where within my own home,  I live an extremely fulfilled life supported by my amazing husband who has never "presided" over me or even wanted to, and I dutifully teach my children the gospel which I love, but it's not always the same gospel I hear other people preaching about on Sunday.  There are many of my friends that think like me, but we all know that we have to keep our mouths shut when we go to church, but I'm kind of tiring of that behavior and I may just have to start speaking up a little more.  I shutter when I think of the damage I have been a part of when I refuse to open my mouth to speak up for other women who don't fit the mold.  What can ensue from this diversion of expectation and reality is tremendous guilt, self-loathing, and a sense of continual failure when you can't for the life of you, fit into this shallow and cumbersome mold, which can lead to further denial of ones' true nature progressing finally to depression.  OR, one can choose to hear their own voice and finally free themselves from others' expectations and views of how they should be which is a much harder battle to win than conformity.

I found a poem that I love about a woman realizing her power and what she is capable of:

Power
by:  Carol Lynn Pearson

When she learned that she
Didn't have to plug into
Someone or something
Like a toaster into a wall

When she learned that she
Was a windmill and had only
To raise her arms
To catch the universal whisper
And turn
turn
turn
She moved.

Oh, she moved
And her dance was a marvel.

Carol Lynn Pearson, LDS author and poet, notes so profoundly that in our church, "We live in a Motherless house. In our worship we are Motherless. In our hymns, our prayers, our scriptures, our temples, our religious discourse, we are Motherless. In the symbols that connect our minds and our hearts with our origin, we are Motherless. The double picture frame on our mantle that has space for divine parents has only one picture in it—the face of a male."  Indeed.  Mothers are supposedly so vital and important, but do not under any circumstance talk about the Mother of your Spirit.  And when you read the scriptures, just remember that it will never say "her" or "she", but just assume it all applies to you too.

So please, try to convince me again how valued women are in our church and how our intrinsic value is not tied to soaring rates of depression and anxiety.