Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is something I learned about in college which really interested and resonated with me.  Having had problems dealing effectively with stress and anxiety throughout my life, I have read a LOT about this topic in order to develop better emotional skills.  Life has gotten so chaotic for me in the past several years that I have found that I have lost some of my "deliberateness" in parenting.  It seems that a lot of the time I am reacting to situations, instead of thinking and then acting.  But it is my resolve to work on my own emotional intelligence this year, as well as incorporating these concepts into my children's lives.

Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while other claim it is an inborn characteristic.

Since 1990, Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer have been the leading researchers on emotional intelligence. In their influential article “Emotional Intelligence,” they defined emotional intelligence as, “the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions” (1990).  According to one study, our ability to handle a variety of social situations and control impulses and emotions is four times more important than intellect in terms of building a successful life.  However, the importance of intellect cannot be underestimated. While intellect helps you get the job or whatever else it is you desire, emotional intelligence helps you keep it and continually succeed.

Since we want to raise children to be successful and fulfilled, teaching emotional intelligence is an important aspect of this vision.

What constitutes emotional intelligence:

*Ability to persist in the face of difficulty
*Ability to monitor one's feelings
*Ability to read others' feelings
*Ability to get along with others
*Ability to resist temptation in the service of a higher goal
*Ability to take action that considers the needs of self and others

Emotionally intelligent children have a variety of social skills that are cultivated over time.
3 Tips for Cultivating Emotional Intelligence in children:

*Help your child identify his feelings. This is the first step. If your child can't identify his feelings, how is he supposed to monitor them or read the feelings of others?

This is where many parents fall down because they were raised by parents who taught them to stuff or deny their feelings. Let your children have their feelings and help them to identify them. Use clarifying statements such as, "I can see that you're feeling frustrated because you're having difficulty tying your shoes. I remember how that feels. Learning to tie your shoes can be tricky, but keep practicing and you'll get it. Here let me show you a little trick I know—you might like this way a little better."

When you teach a child emotional intelligence skills, you teach him how to identify and acknowledge his feelings. Once he is able to do this, he will learn that there are times when the needs of a situation dictate that he act in spite of his feelings for the best interest of those involved. As you can see, taking the time to teach a child this process is very different from demanding that he suck it up.

*Frame interactions with your child positively. When you're correcting him/her, discuss, don't yell. (A discussion is a conversation that takes place between two people. It is not a lecture.) Remember, your child is learning how to get along with others which is a process that takes place over time. Yelling at him/her models for him what emotional intelligence is NOT. When you yell at her, you are teaching her that to get her point across, she must yell at others.

Instead, get her attention and correct gently, engaging her—pointing out what she did right and consulting with her about what she could have done to take others feelings into account. Going through this process with your child helps her develop the self-reflection skills that lead to emotional intelligence.

*Give your child specific, supportive feedback about his/her interactions with others. Use these statements to help him discover his own identity as one who cares for himself and others. Don't tell him, show him through careful selection of your words. For instance, you can say something like, "I noticed how you helped your brother when he was feeling frustrated, even though he was being short with you. I was impressed that rather than reacting to his behavior, you responded and gave him what he needed. How does it feel to know that you can choose to act with patience in the face of someone else's anger?

I found this free online test below that you can click on and see where you stand with emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence Quiz link:http://psychology.about.com/library/quiz/bl_eq_quiz.htm

 

**And lest you think I have these concepts mastered, I will confess that I have yelled at and neglected my children while writing this post...