Time Suckers

The older I get, the less patience I have for those who I feel are wasting my time.  Perhaps it's also the added confidence that age gives you that has finally allowed me to speak my mind on things that needlessly suck my time away into useless oblivion.  Here are some examples of recent things that I consider time suckers:

*WHY OH WHY must there be 3 sessions of Stake Conference?  The adult session, general session, and leadership session.  If I am going to have a date night with my husband, I am certainly not going to waste it on listening to stake speakers who will reiterate the same things in the general session the next day.  If the topic is really that important, you should be able to say it all in the 2 hour session on Sunday and not need the 6 hours that is allotted. Usually I am a good girl and attend Stake Conference, which always seems to fall during the youngest child's naptime and thus we spend the entire 2 hours walking laps around the building.  So yesterday, which was Stake Conference for us, we decided to take the kids instead to Temple Square and visit both visitor's centers.  What could make a Sunday better than seeing the "Christus" statue, walking around the temple, and viewing all of the movies and artwork they have there?  It was sooo much more enjoyable and beneficial for us than attending SC.  There.  I said it.

*Meetings for the sake of having a meeting.  I could go on and on about this one.  It could be a meeting that is job related, volunteer related, or church related.  In order to have a meeting that is not a waste of time, an agenda must be planned by the leader.  I don't want to leave my family and show up to a meeting where there is no central purpose and shoot the breeze with people that I normally wouldn't have anything to do with.  These days, most communication can take place through email or telephone calls and a meeting doesn't need to take place.  And also, no meeting needs to last longer than an hour!!!  For the love of Pete, if you must tear everyone away from their homes, the leader should control the meeting and have it end within an hour.

*Visiting teachers and home teachers.  Oh boy.  Our last visit with our home teachers was absolutely painful.  I honestly felt it was a sacrifice on my part just to allow them in and so when he insisted on dragging the conversation on and on as my kids pelted each other and ran circles around the room, I wanted to scream!  Literally, he kept saying, "Anything else going on?  Anything?"  as Robert and I just sat there blinking in silence scrounging to come up with any tidbit of information on what we were up to to fill the awkward silences.  Give the message, and then LEAVE!  Same things goes for visiting teachers.  It took me a good 12 years before I had the confidence to say, "I will only be needing a visit every other month.  You are welcome to call to see how I am doing or bring by a present (haha) on the other months."  It's so much nicer to feel in control!  Afterall, they are supposed to be addressing my needs and my needs are LESS VISITING TEACHERS!  And I am actually happy to see them on an every other month basis.

*People who love the sound of their own voice.  These people believe that whatever could be said in 2 sentences, is even better when dragged out to 5 or ten minutes.  We all know people like this.  Their name pops up on the caller ID and you quickly yell to your kids, "Nobody pick it up!"  Why are there so many people completely out of touch with social cues?!  In our ward, we have a dear soul who takes it upon himself on fast and testimony day to walk up to the front to bare his testimony in order to put some pressure on the person that is already up there and just won't quit! You know the type:  usually a woman who feels the need to get up EVERY fast Sunday to relay her latest revelation and/or trip details.  It's so funny because him getting up to gently tap the show of the precocious teenager who is giving waaaay too many family secrets away is just like clock work every fast Sunday!  What a great service he is rendering by rescuing us every month from the few people in our ward with no sense of appropriateness.

Here are some pictures from our VERY enjoyable Sunday playing hooky from Stake Conference:
(And don't worry--I'll be a good girl and be back at the next Stake Conference)

And a family outing wouldn't be a family outing without someone
having a temper tantrum.

**And here's a shout out for Robert's new and amazing blog.  Check it out!  www.drflynndmd.blogspot.com

Taking the Time

Last Sunday evening, we decided to get out our old home movies and watch them in the theater room.  I was able to see all of me kids as babies, including the birth of Madison.  The memories I have of my children, and continue to make, are priceless and sacred to me and I am ever aware at how fast time is passing.  On most days, I have many errands that I must run, jobs around the house that need doing, and kids that need to be taken to lessons.  But this week, I have tried to center my energies on Ashton and doing what he wants to do.  I have tried to do everything at his pace; walking, getting ready in the morning, and allowing him to get distracted as children often do.  Ashton is very strong willed and particular, but I found that as I slowed myself down and put my own needs on the back burner, he was much happier and enjoyable to be around.  Some of the things we did together this week are:  We went to Barnes & Noble where he played with the trains they have there and he picked out a Transformer book.  Also, recently he kept saying to me "I want to go to the star store!"  It took me a while to figure out that he meant Macy's because their sign has a big star by it.  He wanted to go on the few rides they have in the mall that cost a quarter.  So that's what we did.  He even let me hold his "paw" (his hand).  I sat and watched him ride his toy motorcycle outside for as long as he wanted yesterday and clapped and clapped as he jumped on the trampoline, even though I was cold and really wanted to just read my book.  We painted, we went to MacDonald's to eat and play, and even went to the store just to see if we could find him some new underwear with sharks and pirates on them.  You have never seen a happier boy than when Ashton found himself some shark underwear!  How I have enjoyed my time this week with my little man.  And of course I couldn't help but take a bunch of pictures along the way...

IT IS NOT OKAY! Not even a little.

One of the things that makes me absolutely livid and extremely concerned is the carefree attitude with which many are having babies out of wedlock.  I am not referring to those who make a mistake bringing a child into the world before they are ready, give it up for adoption or spend the rest of their lives making it right with the child.  I am talking about the lackadaisical attitude with which spirits are brought into this world by people who aren't married and have no intention to be married in the near future.  I feel like I want to shout from the rooftops, "IT IS NOT OKAY!"  Hollywood is of course one of the culprits that is spreading this idea when they choose to have babies with whatever girlfriend or boyfriend of the moment they have and portray sheer happiness with no regrets.  Unfortunately, it is not just Hollywood who displays this nonchalant attitude.  There is little to no shame anymore in our world as well when girls get pregnant and the boys are no where to be seen.  Many of you might have seen the recent story in the news of the school in Memphis where 1 in 4 girls at the school were pregnant!  A whopping 72% of African-American babies born in the US are born to unwed mothers.  Unbelievable!
  
Here are some more interesting facts I found.  Nearly 40 percent of babies born in the United States in 2007 were delivered by unwed mothers, according to data released last month by the National Center for Health Statistics. The 1.7 million out-of-wedlock births, of 4.3 million total births, marked a more than 25 percent jump from five years before.

"I wish people spent as much time planning when to get pregnant, with whom, under what circumstances as they do planning their next vacation," said Sara Brown, the CEO and founding director of The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. "The stigma [of out-of-wedlock births] has eroded, and these numbers made me feel perhaps it's disappeared altogether."


Some may say, "How dare you imply that an unexpected pregnancy should lead to marriage? You are simply out of touch with modern culture."  That may be.  But it also means that modern culture is out of touch with the needs of children.  Some researchers identify out-of-wedlock births as the chief cause for the increasing stratification and inequality of American life, the first step that casts children into an ever more rigid caste system.  Studies have found that children born to single mothers are vastly more likely to be poor, have behavioral and psychological problems, drop out of high school, and themselves go on to have out-of-wedlock children.  This has a direct negative affect on my children which makes this my business as well as extremely angry.  The problems that out of wedlock births are causing has absolutely no end in sight and will inevitably get much worse.  I worry about the moral quality of the people my children will rub shoulders with throughout their life.  I worry about the "everything's okay" attitude that is so pervasive in society today that it will cloud my children's views.  I am sad for the babies being born into these circumstances.  It's not fair.  And it's not right.  Why don't more people consider adoption?  Or birth control for that matter?

As if this wasn't enough of a problem, I worry about the effects the high divorce rate has on children.  Divorce irrevocably changes who they are.  Forever.  Can they still be wonderful,  happy, good people?  Of course.  But it still alters the course of their life and gives them the added baggage of trust issues, abandonment issues, and forces them to grow up before they would have otherwise.

And since we're on the subject, do you know what else makes me mad?  Married people having babies simply because they can -- not because they have prepared, thought about it at great lengths, and have stability and a plan for the future to offer.  In my opinion, a child should not be born with a job to do; meaning, a job to bring the parents closer, or to help one of the parents "mature".  Each one of my children was planned (fancy that!), deeply desired, and is incredibly loved and cherished.  How I wish every child could have this!

Here is my recent attempt to counteract the world; we had a family night on the importance of holding to the rod and how to resist temptation.  (Notice Ashton's cheery disposition below)

Our recent family night on Lehi's dream.  They all drew their own interpretation
of the dream.

Ashton being Ashton.

Robert's and Hunter's rendition

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is something I learned about in college which really interested and resonated with me.  Having had problems dealing effectively with stress and anxiety throughout my life, I have read a LOT about this topic in order to develop better emotional skills.  Life has gotten so chaotic for me in the past several years that I have found that I have lost some of my "deliberateness" in parenting.  It seems that a lot of the time I am reacting to situations, instead of thinking and then acting.  But it is my resolve to work on my own emotional intelligence this year, as well as incorporating these concepts into my children's lives.

Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while other claim it is an inborn characteristic.

Since 1990, Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer have been the leading researchers on emotional intelligence. In their influential article “Emotional Intelligence,” they defined emotional intelligence as, “the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions” (1990).  According to one study, our ability to handle a variety of social situations and control impulses and emotions is four times more important than intellect in terms of building a successful life.  However, the importance of intellect cannot be underestimated. While intellect helps you get the job or whatever else it is you desire, emotional intelligence helps you keep it and continually succeed.

Since we want to raise children to be successful and fulfilled, teaching emotional intelligence is an important aspect of this vision.

What constitutes emotional intelligence:

*Ability to persist in the face of difficulty
*Ability to monitor one's feelings
*Ability to read others' feelings
*Ability to get along with others
*Ability to resist temptation in the service of a higher goal
*Ability to take action that considers the needs of self and others

Emotionally intelligent children have a variety of social skills that are cultivated over time.
3 Tips for Cultivating Emotional Intelligence in children:

*Help your child identify his feelings. This is the first step. If your child can't identify his feelings, how is he supposed to monitor them or read the feelings of others?

This is where many parents fall down because they were raised by parents who taught them to stuff or deny their feelings. Let your children have their feelings and help them to identify them. Use clarifying statements such as, "I can see that you're feeling frustrated because you're having difficulty tying your shoes. I remember how that feels. Learning to tie your shoes can be tricky, but keep practicing and you'll get it. Here let me show you a little trick I know—you might like this way a little better."

When you teach a child emotional intelligence skills, you teach him how to identify and acknowledge his feelings. Once he is able to do this, he will learn that there are times when the needs of a situation dictate that he act in spite of his feelings for the best interest of those involved. As you can see, taking the time to teach a child this process is very different from demanding that he suck it up.

*Frame interactions with your child positively. When you're correcting him/her, discuss, don't yell. (A discussion is a conversation that takes place between two people. It is not a lecture.) Remember, your child is learning how to get along with others which is a process that takes place over time. Yelling at him/her models for him what emotional intelligence is NOT. When you yell at her, you are teaching her that to get her point across, she must yell at others.

Instead, get her attention and correct gently, engaging her—pointing out what she did right and consulting with her about what she could have done to take others feelings into account. Going through this process with your child helps her develop the self-reflection skills that lead to emotional intelligence.

*Give your child specific, supportive feedback about his/her interactions with others. Use these statements to help him discover his own identity as one who cares for himself and others. Don't tell him, show him through careful selection of your words. For instance, you can say something like, "I noticed how you helped your brother when he was feeling frustrated, even though he was being short with you. I was impressed that rather than reacting to his behavior, you responded and gave him what he needed. How does it feel to know that you can choose to act with patience in the face of someone else's anger?

I found this free online test below that you can click on and see where you stand with emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence Quiz link:http://psychology.about.com/library/quiz/bl_eq_quiz.htm

 

**And lest you think I have these concepts mastered, I will confess that I have yelled at and neglected my children while writing this post...

What's Up

We had such a fun long weekend.  My sister's oldest son, Britton flew from Washington by himself to stay with us.  We went out to eat, went swimming, played hours of games, went roller skating, jumped on the trampoline and to see the movie Tron.  The kids are all a little sad that he just left.

Today I had lunch with my friend Lisa who I met when I was about 18 years old and haven't seen since I got married 16 years ago.  Our lives have taken totally different paths; I got married and had 5 children and she has traveled the world, lived in Kenya, and served in the Peace Corp for several years.  Isn't it neat when you haven't seen a friend in many years, but when you meet up again it's like you were never apart?  She has given me so much to think about after talking with her today!  Although I love my life and would never change any of my choices about being married and having children, I find her life incredibly fascinating and exciting.  She expressed that she had decided never to have children and would probably never marry because of her desire for a nomadic lifestyle, traveling the world helping the destitute.  What I love about her is that she is so refreshingly different and is really okay with that, although many around her aren't.  There are so many people that bring children into the world that shouldn't.  I appreciate a woman who can look at herself and honestly say, motherhood isn't for me.  How I wish more people would come to this conclusion as I look around at all the many neglected and abused children in the world.  And what an interesting perspective she has on EVERYTHING having lived in Kenya for 3 years, traveled to Rwanda, India, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, and many other places.  I loved hearing her take on government, politics, religion, affluence, AIDS, etc.  How my life is enriched by knowing her!

Here is my take on the shootings in Tucson.  The guy who did it is obviously emotionally sick and disturbed.  I don't think his actions had anything to do with politics and am upset that some people have turned it into something political.  That being said, I do think that this horrific event is an opportunity to look at the divisiveness that exists between the political parties and the political climate that we live in now, and maybe even contribute to.  I know that I myself, have felt downright vicious hatred directed towards me for expressing any questions or concerns about the "status quo" in Utah.  I am tired of those who make me feel less moral for disagreeing with them.  BOTH liberal and conservative sides contribute to the often unfair political bashing.  I for one am SICK OF IT.  We are one nation under God and should find a way to be dignified and respectful with our differing opinions.  And that's my two bits.

I noticed in the church news that the standard of dress for sister missionaries had been officially changed so that they can now where COLOR and the occasional accessory.  I wish that they would have asked me my opinion on this many years ago since I have been saying that the standard of dress for sister missionaries is archaic and ridiculous.  I'm so glad that the drabness and frumpiness of the sister missionaries can be improved upon.  But sad they didn't listen to me sooner...

And that's a wrap.

Things I Could Live Without, But Don't Want To

There are many worldly things that I have become quite fond of.  I realize I could live without them, but they sure do make my life more enjoyable.  What are some of your favorite things that make your life just a little bit better?

Water in all it's many forms.  Nothing is more soothing to
me than the sound of water in nature.  This picture was
taken on a hike we took in New York.

My body pillow.  I started sleeping with one when I
was pregnant with my first and now I can't sleep
without it.  Robert refers to it as my "second husband".

My camera.  Besides exercise and being outdoors, nothing
is quite as therapeutic for me.

Our Park City condo--so many fun family memories

Exercise.  

Me, my Dad and Krissy before a bike race.  Exercise

has been a part of my life as long as I can remember.

Traveling.  I haven't done all that much of it, but I plan
on doing much more of it.  This is us in the Virgin Islands.

Massages.  This was taken in Park City on our
anniversary right before our couples massage.

Time alone.  I need it like I need water.  Especially time
alone in nature.

Rainbows--this one was at Niagara Falls

BOOKS.  I am a voracious reader.  This book
is one that I read recently and loved.

MAC products.  No one can match their quality
and user-friendliness

Our theater room (this was taken before it was finished).
Robert and I both LOVE movies and we have enjoyed
unwinding after a long day many times in here.

Makeup.  I love everything about it;  buying it,
how it smells, how it transforms, the colors

Naps.  The kind where you sleep so deep, you wake up and don't know where
you are or what time of day it is.  This is Elisabeth as a newborn.

Date nights--Robert and I go out at least once per week.  There
is no one I'd rather spend time with.

Eating out.  This picture is one of my fondest memories--our
trip with Krissy and Zack to Kauai.

The Word of Wisdom

I have been thinking a lot about the Word of Wisdom lately. Obeying the word of wisdom is something that has never been an issue for me and because of this, I have been exceedingly blessed by avoiding many heartaches such as addiction and other associated health risks. However, I believe part of the root of the word of wisdom is having your spirit be in control of your body, which it cannot be as long as we are addicted to anything. Addiction is part of the "natural man" and every person battles this on and off throughout their life. It may be a bad temper, over-spending, pornography, over-eating, promiscuity, alcohol, lying, biting your fingernails, or even diet coke consumption. Some are considered worse addictions than others, but in my mind they all stem from an emotional or spiritual deficit that you are trying to fill with something physical.  And while I personally haven't struggled with the desire to drink alcohol, coffee, or use tobacco, I am mindful that I have my own bad habits that many times have control over me. I think if I had allowed myself to drink alcohol, I would have been an addict because I have addictive tendencies in other areas of my life.  I believe that if you can be addicted to one bad habit, you could just as easily be addicted to another bad habit so I have never felt in the position to judge anyone that doesn't obey the word of wisdom. In fact, I have often thought how many more people are dying or suffering because of obesity than coffee consumption. I mean really, does that make any sense to you? That you can't enter the temple if you drink coffee, but if you consume 13,000 calories per day and are slowly killing yourself, then come on in! I am not judging people that struggle with this, only pointing out something that is glaringly confusing.  It just makes me wonder why the subject is so taboo that it is never addressed in conference talks.  Obesity is an epidemic that is not only killing people, but raising the cost of healthcare exponentially!  Although I am not obese, food addiction is something I feel I can understand. I LOVE food and if I allowed myself, I could be overweight very easily. There are times when I know I am out of control with what I am eating and I don't feel good about myself. It is a day by day decision for me that will probably never end until the day I die. I must say also, that on my "personal sliding scale of sin", those who drink alcohol are far better off than those who stick their noses up at others and judge them at every turn, or perhaps have no problem taking the sacrament or bearing a very heartfelt testimony while being involved with risky and dishonest business ventures.  (Yes, I am referring to someone in particular).  I would choose as a friend the person who drinks any day over many other people who by outward appearances are considered "saints." Part of the Word of Wisdom says that it is "Given for a principle with a promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints."   So to me, this means that the bar is set at the lowest standard and it is up to us to raise the bar according to our own needs. For me, this has become trying every day to eat in moderation (soooo hard) and to exercise 4-5 days per week. This year it will also mean drinking far less caffeinated soft drinks and consuming less processed foods.  On lds.org, it also says regarding the word of wisdom that "Following the Word of Wisdom shows respect for your body. Other ways to show respect include following the counsel of latter-day prophets to avoid excess body piercing and tattooing."  I love that this extrapolation is made by the church.  If we just lived our lives making decisions that showed respect for our body, piercing, tattooing, and obesity would not be such big problems. Although I have some questions about the word of wisdom and what it exactly means in some instances, I take comfort in knowing that it is a principle with a promise:    "And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;     "And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;     "And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.     "And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen" (Doctrine and Covenants 89:18-21).

Photo Shoot with Miss Madison

Sometimes when I don't feel like doing any of my household drudgeries, I bribe one of my kids to be my model and go take pictures of them.  Such was the situation today when Madison agreed to be my inspiration.  I'm so excited to see the young woman she is becoming!!

This one is my favorite

This one captures her personality:  happy, fun, and running

Love the trees and sun in this one

Favorite #2

I like the naturalness of this one

I lightened this one quite a bit for effect and really liked it

Love the sun peeping out from under the tree

I love the drama that black and white creates

I like the softness of this one

Thanks for giving me a reprieve, Madison!