Motherhood is Complex

Motherhood can supply a myriad of emotions sometimes experienced simultaneously.  Take Friday for instance.

Wake up, get the kids up and have 30 minute scripture reading.  As I look up from my reading to see the 3 oldest intent in their scriptures, I am filled with gratitude that THEY were sent to ME.

Next, get breakfast ready, help do kids' hair, check over homework, remind them to brush teeth, make their beds, help them make lunches, etc.  STRESS.  They all need something from me and I am constantly reminding myself to answer and act kindly.

Christian hands me his English final project paper to read.  It has his art, poetry, and profound interpretation of the topic, good vs. evil in the world.  I really am so overcome with how insightful it is, I feel like I might cry.  I swear that it reads like a college student's paper.

Hunter hands me a paper to sign that says he has been chosen to represent his school at the Math/Science Olympiad.  He never ceases to amaze me!  I really am in awe of my kids' talents and abilities.  It makes me feel incredible joy to see him excel in a way I didn't even know he could.

Madison is excitedly telling me of the party she is going to that night and all of the drama between certain friends.  I love that she still freely tells me all about everything going on in her life.  Once again, I feel my heart swell when I think about how she was a peacemaker between friends and how well-liked she is.

The 3 oldest leave for school and now I just have the 2 youngest to get ready.  Elisabeth has her Spring program at school at 9:30.  Knowing that Ashton is NOT a morning person, I wait until the last possible moment to wake him up.  I am soooo excited to see my little Elisabeth perform all of her speaking parts and songs.

Ashton decides he does not want to go.  I'm in a panic.  If I wait too much longer to leave, Elisabeth will be late.  I tell myself "Patience and long-suffering", over and over.  I try sweetness, reasoning, and bribing him to get ready knowing that if I force it, he will throw one of his huge temper tantrums--one of those kicking, screaming, crying, throwing kind.  Sometimes I think he is stronger than me.  I can feel my heart beating fast and I'm starting to sweat.  I try thinking of a way out.  Is there someone that could watch him?  No.  After an hour of excruciating patience, I tell him we HAVE TO GO.  He begins screaming, kicking, and crying. I drag him to the car flailing wildly and throw him in the back seat.  Poor Elisabeth looks horrified.  She says, "Maybe you shouldn't come because of Ashton."  I feel SO bad.  And MAD.  I try to portray to her that I am in perfect control and that he will be fine by the time her program starts so she doesn't worry.  He is in the backseat finding anything to throw at my head, and kicking my seat.  I am praying that he tires himself out.  Luckily, I drop Elisabeth off at 9 and the program doesn't start until 9:30 so he has a whole 30 minutes to tire himself out.  So I sit in the parking lot while he is screaming at the top of his lungs.  A few people show looks of sympathy as they can hear him yelling from outside the car.  I think to myself, "What am I going to do with this child?!"  I consider myself to have a lot of experience with strong-willed children and feel in this situation I exhibited MASSIVE amounts of self control.  Yet, I find absolutely no solution to what I could do to alleviate this situation.  I think that I am failing him somehow.  That maybe he is acting like this because I have sub-conciously trained him without knowing it.  I think, "Maybe I had too many kids!  There's no going back now!  I'm really not cut out for this."  It's 9:25 and I absolutely must go in to get a seat.  My head is throbbing.  He is starting to get tired of screaming, thank goodness.  When he throws temper tantrums, it truly is like he is out of his mind.  I attempt to talk to him about his behavior and he says, "Sorry Mama."  I feel compassion for him--it's like he genuinely cannot control himself once he gets like that.  I forgive him.  I dearly love him.

Elisabeth's program is amazing.  Her artwork is displayed and her story about "ScaryPaw" the tiger is incredibly endearing.  Ashton didn't let me enjoy the program though, needing my attention the whole time, but at least he wasn't screaming.  I feel physically weak and my headache has turned into a migraine.  Now I just have to do the grocery shopping.  I hear my phone chime, reminding me of an awards banquet for Christian since he has been nominated as Student of the Month.  Once again I feel such overwhelming gratitude to have a child that is so gifted.  There really is nothing that he can't do.

Grocery shopping.  I tell myself  "I can do this.  I can do this."  I am squinting from my headache pain that I haven't had time to take anything for yet.  I race down each aisle, not comparing prices or brands.  Just grabbing whatever it is that I need.  Ashton is running away from me, wanting to buy this and that. I keep telling him, "Maybe for your birthday."  (Which is 10 months away)  Miraculously, he seems satisfied with this answer.  And then...  I can't find him.  CRAP.  I retrace my footsteps thinking maybe in my haste to get done fast, I left him down one of the aisles.  Then I hear over the intercom, "There is a little boy who is lost, looking for someone whose name is 'Mama.'"  I guess I have neglected to teach him what my name is.  Thank goodness I found him!  I don't care what else is on my list.  I am paying for what I have and leaving.

I take lunch to Robert and then go home where visions of movies playing for hours dance in my head.  I walk in and the house is a sty.  Friday is early out so the kids will be getting home in about an hour.  I feel the need to quickly clean it so it looks like I've been cleaning all morning.  Ridiculous, I know.

The kids walk through the door and they are all talking at once.  They are all asking me questions and handing me papers.  "Did you sign me up for Fall soccer?"  "Can Derek come over to play?"  "Did you buy me new socks?"  The pain medication I took is doing nothing for my headache.  I think about an episode of Oprah where Maya Angelou says how important it is for a Mother's face to light up when her child walks into the room.  I attempt to look "lit with joy" as they tell me their adventures of the day.

I take them to friends' houses, to parties, and pick them up.  Later on, we have a reception to go to and dinner with my sister and her husband.  Finally, I can breathe.  Christian and Hunter are babysitting Ashton and they do it without complaining.  I am so thankful to them for this!  Once again, I feel a wave of pride and gratitude wash over me.

We get home and watch a family movie together.  I love spending time together watching fun movies.  Then we have to pick Madison up at her late-night party.  She comes home bubbling with fun details.  FINALLY it is time for bed.  At 2am, the electricity goes off for 2 hours.  AHHHHH!  I cannot sleep without my sound machine to block out Robert's breathing!  TORTURE!  I finally drift off to slumberland when I feel a little tapping on my shoulder.  It's Elisabeth.  "Mama?  I'm going to throw up."  I get her situated with a sleeping bag and garbage can in my room.  She throws up.  Robert gets up to help her and then neither one of us can go back to sleep.

And then . . . we start another day over again.  Full of activities, chores, disciplining, temper tantrums, sibling fighting, stress, proud moments, joyful moments, thankful moments, and FUN.  Almost everyday, a full spectrum of emotions can be experienced.  And you know what?  I wouldn't change a thing.