Motherhood according to me

This is motherhood according to me, acknowledging that everyone experiences it differently.

Here's the thing about Mother's Day:  I don't like it.  I love the small tokens of appreciation and thoughtful notes, hand decorated cards, and fancy dinner we have together as a family, but I don't like the commercialization of Mother's Day, the barrage of messages about what mothers sacrifice, and the putting of women on pedestals by well intended people, because after all, Mothers are just people and when we hear only about the pedestal-deserving acts someone performs, we may feel like we could never possibly measure up.  And of course there is always the obligatory talks by youth at church who thank their moms for making their beds for them (even though they're 17), and being such great cooks.  All year long, I love my life and feel fully satisfied and fulfilled, until this one day--Mother's Day comes along and I hear it reduced to pie baking and cleaning up other people's slop and I realize that there are some who truly see it this way.  You see, to me motherhood is a noble thing and I prefer not to hear it in terms that may represent the "ideal mother" as being a martyr as she gives up her dreams and whole self for her children.  Plainly stated, I don't seek that or admire it in others.  When I hear it expressed this way, I feel a disconnect because this isn't what is ideal to me and I would never want that for my girls.  The reason I love motherhood so much is because I chose it consciously.  It wasn't out of obligation of what was expected of me, it wasn't because I was fulfilling any role, it was because I chose it.  I love it because while I have had many many sleepless nights, and wiped too many bums, and cleaned up too many messes that weren't my own, I also have gotten to get to know 5 beautiful and gifted personalities.  I've gotten to experience things again for the first time through their eyes, and I get 5 splendid individuals to spend the rest of my life with.  I feel powerful in the opportunity I have to teach 5 people about so many things.

Motherhood had to grow on me a bit before I could fully embrace it.  I would not consider myself a natural nurturer, as I had been taught and assumed all women were.  But I prayed and I prayed that it would come to me, and although it never really did become natural to me, it did become a learned trait.  More importantly, the love I had for them was fierce and complete.  I realized that I had other valuable traits to offer outside of being nurturing, such as understanding and patience.  I found I was not sweet, but could be very kind.  I found that every mother can be their own ideal; there isn't one way to be a good mother.  When I finally realized and embraced this, I was able to add confidence to my list of good mothering traits.  Now don't get me wrong, there are things I will NEVER enjoy about motherhood:  moodiness of teenagers, late nights, the stomach flu that always spreads to every person in the family before leaving, playing board games, sibling fighting, sticky floors, damaged walls, punishments, temper tantrums, helping with homework, I guess the list could go on and on.  There are also days that I would consider epic failures on my part.  I used to handle these days by privately berating myself for my missteps, but now I know that apologizing and forgiving myself is a much better example to set for my children.  I can honestly say I have no desire to put on any air of perfection to my children.  I only want to be me, a person that is trying her best and doesn't give up.

So every year when we pull out our wallets because it's time to celebrate our mother's sacrifice for us, I feel a little uncomfortable because well, it really isn't much sacrifice when I think about it.  It's really a lifestyle I chose and quite enjoy.  Another blogger I follow said this, "When I think of motherhood as a sacrificial, pedistaled existence I begin to feel sorry for myself and almost ashamed. Motherhood is not like that for me, it's just as much about giving myself what I want as it is taking care of others." (C. Jane Kendrick) I completely agree with this sentiment.  And maybe if one's entire existence as a mother feels like a sacrifice, you are going about it the wrong way.  The mothers I admire most are empowered individuals who pursue talents, education, and a life outside of their homes.  This in turn, makes them happier and their children happier.  I also admire those that press forward in the face of tremendous obstacles with a positive attitude.  I have a friend who is a single mom and works two full time jobs to provide for her kids.  She is almost always upbeat and still makes time for her friends and hobbies.

I must add that I didn't choose only this for my life.  I have a delightful little world that I have carved out all along the way where my soul has been nurtured and fed by things I enjoy.  Yesterday while on a bike ride, I stopped to listen to the birds chirp and frogs croak, and I thought how much I appreciate moments when I feel a part of nature, a solitary person in a small moment with no connections to anyone but myself.

Motherhood is a lifestyle I have chosen, not because it makes me feel good to sacrifice, but because there are so many payoffs, it doesn't seem like a sacrifice.  Motherhood is a gift I have chosen to give myself.  And as my children get older and start to move on, I relish the thought of new opportunities outside of it.

Thankful on Easter

I am thankful today for the sacrifice of my Savior Jesus Christ and for children who remind me often of what the important things in life really are.


Below is a school journal entry from my seven year old.

Who is worth more to you than gold?

"Jesus is nice and he lets all be in hevin and Jesus rocks and he made animals and he made life he is the best."  He included a picture of himself and Jesus and Ashton is saying, "Thanks for the note, Jesus."

Do Something Different

This year, my only goal is to live by the theme:  "Do something different."  As I was taking stock of my life, I realized there are certain situations, problems, and barriers I keep hitting up against over and over again.  Out of habit, I react consistently in the same manner which doesn't solve the issue, but just continues it.  I am in essence living the definition of insanity:   doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I really want to be an active participant in my own life, a sort of gate keeper, choosing my friends wisely, my reactions carefully measured in situations that arise, acknowledging my own involvement in perpetuating harmful circumstances, and making changes as needed.  I feel my life right now is a pressure cooker of long term issues that cannot be solved and unending responsibility.  However, I feel empowered by the fact that I can choose my reactions deliberately, and choose not to participate in situations that are harmful to me.  This involves speaking up for myself, seeking help, getting rid of unnecessary responsibility, taking care of myself, and trying new approaches to old problems.  Just recently, there were two situations that arose that had given me much angst over a long period of time.  I chose a different reaction this time and was able to feel much relief and like I was back in control of my own life again.  I really love the serenity prayer which begins like this:

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There are so many things I realized that I am desperately holding onto in hopes that I can change them.  This is a just a false perception though because I know I cannot change them.  There is a calm that comes with acceptance of things that are out of your control.  As long as I am holding onto hope that things can be different, I feel tremendous inner turmoil.  I will continue to do everything I can to remedy things that I can affect change in, but need to let go of situations I can't.  My little Ashton came home from school and told me about his day recently.  He said he got in trouble, but his teacher told him, "Just do your best, and forget the rest."  Such wise words.  If we are doing our best, we should just be able to forget the rest.

A couple of weeks ago, we went and stayed in Midway for the weekend.  We went to see the ice castles there which was really neat.   Here are some pictures:

Just Be

It had been a bad day, a worse week, and a difficult year in general.  It felt like I was being pummeled by life at every turn, and I had very little energy left to give any of myself with any sort of grace.  Just the night before, I had laid in bed sobbing, "I can't do do this.  I can't do this.  Please help me."  My wells were all dried up and everything in my life felt like absolute drudgery.  After crying myself to sleep,  I woke up and started the day again, mostly because I had no choice.  I felt like a rat on a wheel that couldn't step off because it was just going too fast, and whose legs just kept running with very little brain connection.  I got the kids out the door and began doing my myriad of daily errands and responsibilities, mostly on autopilot, not really fully conscious of where I was going and what I was doing.  Then something remarkable happened.  Remarkable, in the smallest of ways, yet so profound to me.  I was walking up an indoor flight of stairs where at the top, there was very tall, floor to ceiling windows.  As I got to the top step and looked out, everything slowed, almost as if in slow motion.  In front of me was a pristine field of snow with millions of snow flurries coming down, and for an instant, I was sure I could see each snowflake's journey to join it's friends on the blanket below.  I took turns for a while starting at the top of the window and choosing a snowflake to follow, down, down, down to rest on a blanket of crystals.  I smile now, thinking back on it, wondering what the passers by must have thought seeing me transfixed in front of a window, tracing a snowflake's journey down to the ground.  Hopefully, they were too busy to notice me.  I was completely transfixed at the beauty of something so simple and minute as an individual snowflake, and also strangely jealous at the freedom they had to be tossed to and fro in the light wind and that their only responsibility was to be their own individual, beautiful self.  I wanted to be a snowflake, if only for a moment.  And then a whisper came into my mind with very distinct words, "Just Be", it said.  And then I heard it said again, "Just Be."  I thought, "What do you mean, just be?"  The words jolted me back into reality as I pondered their meaning.  I looked out again at the sparkling field and how it represented so many seemingly opposite things:  simple and complex, the weakness of one snowflake, but the strength of an army of snowflakes, how absolutely quiet it was outside, but how blaring the noise of worry was in my head.  I kept saying those words in my head, "Just Be," and slowly, all of my fears, worries, questions, thoughts, and burdens started flowing out of me.  Within a few minutes, I felt light and care free, like the snowflakes were.  I was somehow renewed and energized.  I can't really put it into words even now how or why those words affected me the way they did, or why the vision of the snowflakes falling transformed me like it did, but they were just the words I needed to hear, and just the sight my soul thirsted for,  and they both spoke to my soul and freed me temporarily from the weight of life.  How strange that something that you can't really understand with your mind, can be comprehended fully by your spirit and your heart.  I was so thankful that day that Heavenly Father picked me up, dusted me off, and reminded me that I was loved and remembered, and that everything in my life was going to be just fine.  Since then, nothing much has changed as far as the burdens of life, but when I lose perspective and start feeling like it's too hard and I am overwhelmed, those words come back into my mind along with the vision of the snowflakes falling, and I am made light again.

A Love Note of Sorts

My Dearest Farmington 10th Ward Family,
      I wanted to get up during testimony meeting today and say this, but I knew I'd cry too much and make a fool of myself so I thought I would at least write what I wanted to say.  I have never been in a ward that I love quite as much as you.  You are composed of loving, wise, and strong people, and have accepted and loved our family unconditionally.  You have given me a place to belong, when I never really felt I did before.  You have allowed me to be myself and even loved me for it.  You have taught me and my family and made us feel like we are a part of an extended family.  I appreciate days like today where someone taught an insight in Sunday School that I had never really thought of before, which is my very favorite gift to receive--seeing something in a new and better way.  You give us a safe place to learn and grow, and be vulnerable.  There are times I have been strong while attending, and times I have been broken while attending and you have loved and accepted me all the same.  I have learned so much from many of you.  Your smiles are warm and inclusive every week and you welcome us with open arms.  We feel we have found so many good friends here, and others which we don't know so well, but admire from a distance.  I have even found my own personal Saint in this ward, Saint Teresa who has become a sort of mentor to me.  She has been through more than anyone else I have ever personally met, and has emerged with incredible amounts of grace, dignity, wisdom, and love.  It is people like her that are so Christ-like that make up this ward.  And I thank you so very much.

Love,
Me

Remarkable

Sometimes what's even more inspirational than seeing someone reach great heights, is witnessing someone get up and keep going in spite of hardship.  I was reminded of this truth yesterday when I took my daughter Madison in to get evaluated for learning disabilities.  Her struggles to learn have been pervasive and consistent throughout her whole life.  We have spent countless hours with her for many years, trying to help her learn, many times there has been extreme frustration and tears.  We hesitated getting her tested over the years because we decided that it was best to not place so much emphasis on grades and labeling her and thought that this might call even more attention to her inabilities instead of focusing on her wonderful abilities.  But at her recent request, we decided to go ahead with testing.  The conversation between the psychologist and Madison went something like this:

Doctor:  "It must be really frustrating to put in so much effort and continually not do well on tests.  Do you ever wake up and dread school?"

Madison:  "Sometimes I'm so excited to go to school because of my friends that I wake up extra early!"

Doctor:  "Do you ever feel like giving up when things are so hard for you at school?"

Madison:  "No, I've never thought about giving up."

Doctor:  "How would you rate your happiness with your life?"

Madison:  "A perfect 10."

At this point, the doctor looks over at me and says, "You do realize how remarkable your daughter is, right?  You almost never see a child with learning disabilities like she has that remains happy, hopeful, and well adjusted."

I had to really get ahold of myself in an effort not to tear up at that point.  Madison has watched her older brother get awards and accolades and straight A's her whole life and somehow, she is proud of him and doesn't ever let it get her down.  She has watched her sister skip a grade and her younger brother easily glide through school with minimal effort.  For as proud of Christian as I am for all of his incredibly hard work day in and day out to achieve great things academically, I am equally proud of Madison for her perseverance and positive disposition in the face of difficult obstacles.  And I am reminded once again why I love being a mother so much:  They teach me more than I could ever hope to teach them.  I am so inspired by them.  Even in their imperfections, they are perfect to me.

Parenting Manifesto

I have recently discovered an author named Brene Brown whose thoughts about vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame really resonate with me.  I saw an interview by Oprah with her where she read a parenting manifesto that I LOVED and thought I would share it.  It probably comes closest to mirroring my own beliefs on parenting.

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

*Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and loveable.

*You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

*I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

*You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

*We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

*We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

*You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

*I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

*I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

*When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

*Together we will cry and face fear and grief.  I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

*We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other.  No matter what, you will always belong here.

*As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

*I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

Beautiful, isn't it?  I think I'll have to print it up and put it on the door to the garage so my children can see it every day.

I also recently read another parenting strategy that believes that the relationship between the parent and the child is paramount. Of course it is, you may say, but I mean more important than behavior, it is more important than external success, it is more important than “socialization” or education.  In other words, choose nothing over the relationship with your child and that is the most effective way to guide them and have them listen to us and value our desires for them.  Interestingly enough, studies have found that children who love their parents, who feel they can rely upon them and trust them, are the easiest to parent.  I find this fascinating since there are so many auxiliary things that our children may think that we value more than them because of what our actions say about what we truly value.  I'm going to have to think more about this for sure.  And as with every parenting strategy, much easier said than done.