Motherhood: The Darker Side

Motherhood is hard enough when everyone is healthy, doing well at school, and you're only dealing with the typical age appropriate issues:  occasional temper tantrums, helping with homework, sibling fighting, etc.  But what about when you have a child, or children, that have special needs requiring extra time, patience, and understanding?  It can make life infinitely more complex and tedious, draining you of your physical, emotional, and spiritual energy.  This is how I felt with my first child, with my 4th child, and now with Ashton, my youngest.  There's a lot of guilt involved when you desperately love your child, but their behavior makes you weary, sometimes resentful towards them, and not enjoying motherhood.  Of course this doesn't make you love them less, and you have your other children's accomplishments to give you joy, but there is also this side of motherhood, the darker side, that isn't talked about much.

I'm starting to think Ashton has this:  Sensory Processing Disorder.  I believe that if I went back in time and took Christian in to a child psychiatrist at a young age, he would have been diagnosed with this too.  Some of the symptoms that he has are of tactile hypersensitivity--he often complains that his clothes are hurting him, brushing his teeth is akin to torture for him, and he doesn't liked to be touched most of the time unless it is on his own terms.  He is easily "overstimulated" in crowds and resorts to screaming and crying or acting out somehow.  He has a very very low frustration tolerance and seems to have a lot of anger and anxiety.  When you have a child that you suspect is dealing with some extra issues, it makes parenting all the more difficult because it can change some of the rules.  For example:  When he doesn't get his way about something seemingly insignificant and then resorts to an hour temper tantrum, am I supposed to respond with consequences like I would with my other children?  Or am I supposed to realize that he has very high anxiety and during these times, is incapable of reasoning with me?  It is so true that you have to parent each child differently!  So if I respond to his anger by ignoring it and allowing him to work it out himself, will he then think that his anger is acceptable behavior and that he can say and do mean things and I won't punish him?  This is what he typically does when he doesn't get his way:  He screams at me and wants to throw something at me or hit me.  I tell him calmly that he needs to go up to his room if he is going to act like that.  Then he says, "I don't like Jesus then!"  And "You are ugly and I don't love you!"  The younger, less experienced me would be hurt by statements like these, but I know he is out of his mind during times like these so I try and "detach" in order to deal with the situation best.  I usually end up carrying him kicking and screaming into his room since he refuses to go himself, where he resorts to dumping out all of his toys and throwing things at the door.  I then have to go in and say that this is unacceptable behavior and that he will now have to clean up his room.  It just escalates from there because he is so overwhelmed with having to clean his room that he screams more and says more mean things.  This behavior goes on all day, every day unless he is zoned out in front of the tv.  Needless to say, this behavior day in and day out is extremely draining, and frustrating.  Most of the time I have the energy to think through these situations and respond in the best way I know how.  But sometimes, near the end of the day, I'm just zapped of energy and will power and I yell at him which I feel bad for.  Now add 4 other strong willed children to the mix, and that makes for some hard days!  I must say however, that there are times that Ashton can be sweet and enjoyable as well.  I appreciate and crave those moments even more than most might because he lets me hug and kiss him and he tells me he loves me, and it is an opportunity to connect to a child that sometimes doesn't want to.

I relate this to you, not to gossip about my child or to get sympathy, but to demystify motherhood a bit.  Sometimes, motherhood just plain stinks.  As my own mother used to mutter under her breath during trying times,  "Sometimes motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be…"  I am incredibly thankful for this honesty because it prepared me for something that is HARD and one needs to go into it knowing that it's going to be hard.  You can sometimes feel trapped, overwhelmed, unfulfilled, stressed, and confused as to what to do for a certain child.  For me, talking things out with Robert or my Mom seems to help a lot.  Also reading books about the specific areas I am dealing with seems to make me feel more empowered.  Getting time by myself or with Robert also helps fill me with more energy and the will to keep trying.  Don't feel bad for me because I am equal to the task--at least right now.  I love Ashton dearly and wouldn't trade him for the world.  I just want others to know that it's okay to sometimes feel unfulfilled, frustrated, not happy, etc.  It's what you do with those feelings that makes all the difference.  Those feelings don't make you a bad mother, they make you a mother that needs a time out, or some other resources to help you.

Yes, motherhood is hard, but there's nothing quite as rewarding either.  How I LOVE being a mother.  And how I love each of my 5 peanuts!