Sometimes, It's Not About Me I Guess

My 5 peanuts celebrating Ashton's Bday

If there is one thing that I have learned about parenting that may be one of the most important lessons I have acquired over the years (but still haven't completely mastered), it is to not make your children's problems about you. When you start to make their problems all about your suffering, or disappointment,  hardship, or insecurity then you are coming from a place of selfishness.  Your child can detect this and often rebels against it, holds resentment towards you for it, or may in fact comply with what you want for them, but this may drive a trust or communication wedge between the two of you.  As I have written about before, Christian was a difficult first child having some early signs of his anxiety disorder from the very beginning.  All of his negative behaviors I connected to my lack of ability as a mother which centered around continual inadequacy.  For several years, his problems were static, with no progress and maybe even exacerbated by me making the problem about my failures.  We were fixed in an unhealthy dance of me needing him to act a certain way so that I could feel I was alright as a mother, him not being able to live up to those expectations, and then us both feeling like we had failed.  It wasn't until I was able to disconnect myself from his problems that they were able to be alleviated.  I am learning more and more that detachment is a very healthy way to parent, and is ironically, the key to attachment between parent and child.  Isn't that sort of a strange realization?  Another example of how I failed at this was the other day when my daughter mentioned to me that there was NO WAY she would ever have 5 children and would probably have 2 instead because of the continual chaos at our house.  Instead of detaching and realizing that she needs to listen to her instincts and do what is right for her, I thought, "I must be failing because she hates the home we've created for her."  I know, that's absurd thinking and I quickly realized it and snapped out of it.  We then were able to have a much better discussion on how hard parenting is and that she should never let anything but her and her husband's desires affect the size of her family.  This is a small example that most likely caused little harm because I realized my error quickly, but if I were to do that on a continual basis, she would learn that her feelings and instincts were not validated by me so maybe they were bad in some way, or maybe she can't trust me with the bigger things in the future because I might get my feelings hurt, aka make it all about me.  I found this article the other day that articulated exactly how I feel about the issue so I thought I would share.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can to respond to any situation with your children. You can respond from love (focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.  (So so hard not to do!)

Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.

Here are some dos and don’ts you can apply in order to achieve parenting from love instead of fear.

*Don’t blame yourself for things your child does.  Guilt paralyzes you into inaction.  It is better to not attach yourself to things good or bad that your child does because then if there is a problem, you are entrenched in guilt and unable to proactively help them resolve their issue.  If you continue to focus on parenting from a fear locus, you will make the situation about you and your child will resent you for this.

*You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line.  Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail.  This one is a big one.  Everyone needs to realize that their worth cannot be added to or taken away from by the things they do or don't do.  You already have infinite worth.  You can make your life easier or harder by decisions for sure, but don't get your personal worth mixed in with mistakes you make.  Children need to realize this too.

*Trust the process of life.  I believe that your life (and your child’s life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to — so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God’s hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.--I'm not completely sure I am totally on board with this one, but I do agree that coming from a place of trust and hope is much more desirable than coming from a place of fear and suffering.

*Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anthing, come from a place of compassion, humility and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him/her with respect.

*Don’t manipulate, lecture, blackmail or use guilt. Don’t say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your child. Don’t deny love or approval. Don’t spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.

*Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor and respect his right to see the world the way he/she sees it. Make sure she feels loved, admired, respected and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.

It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)  

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for, to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you." -Wayne Dyer