An Occasional Grown Up

ME

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that I am a child masquerading in an adult's body, and I wonder if I am alone in this notion or if other adults occasionally feel like this as well.  At any moment it seems I will wake up and realize my adult life is just the dream of a child, of a future not yet realized.  Usually I get this feeling when I am pushed out of my comfort zone for some reason or another, or when I feel overwhelmed.  I also admit to feeling like my children are all aging, but somehow I am not.  Part of me is still surprised when someone refers to me as "Ma'am" instead of "Miss" or when I go to events where there are teenagers and I realize I am more than a couple of years older than them.  At the same time, when I do feel "grown up", I feel a lot more confidence in my adult-ness than I used to.  I am a walking contradiction, a paradox, if you will.  It's either one extreme or the other; a grown-up mature adult, or a child trapped in an adult's body way out of her league with problems and responsibilities.

One thing I enjoy in my moments of full-fledged adulthood, is relishing in my new found ability to say "No" to things with very little guilt.  As a matter of fact, I've gotten really good at it!  I have also noticed that in general, adulthood has led me to a life of much less guilt in just about every area of my life.  I like being an adult because I feel empowered to create the life I feel is best for me and my children, and I'm not so much at the whim of other's opinions and feelings about my life.  I feel mature when I am faced with a problem, and I am able to solve it, or it least turn it around into a better situation.  I feel like a grown up when I am on top of the details and responsibilities in my life.  When I am able to help someone, I feel proud to be the adult version of me.

I feel like I'm a child, in way over my head when my children have problems that can't be solved in a short period of time or when I can't wrap my head around an immediate solution.  When I must speak in front of groups of people, the shy and insecure child in me comes out and I wish I could hide behind someone's leg, or run home to be alone.  When someone questions my core values or intentions, I feel vulnerable like a child again.  I feel like I'm young again when it rains and when it's Halloween.  When I am in nature, when I exert myself physically, when I am with friends or with Robert, I feel much younger than my age.  I suppose there are times when I enjoy feeling like a child again, like when I am acting silly or inappropriate for my age, and then there are times when I don't delight in feeling like a child because I feel helpless and not heard or understood.

I wonder if I will always feel this contradiction in ages within me, or if eventually the adult will win out.  Or maybe, instead of the two displaying themselves like a multiple personality disorder, the two will integrate, and instead of being one or the other extreme, I will turn into a mature adult who also embraces the joy of having a child inside.