An Occasional Grown Up

ME

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that I am a child masquerading in an adult's body, and I wonder if I am alone in this notion or if other adults occasionally feel like this as well.  At any moment it seems I will wake up and realize my adult life is just the dream of a child, of a future not yet realized.  Usually I get this feeling when I am pushed out of my comfort zone for some reason or another, or when I feel overwhelmed.  I also admit to feeling like my children are all aging, but somehow I am not.  Part of me is still surprised when someone refers to me as "Ma'am" instead of "Miss" or when I go to events where there are teenagers and I realize I am more than a couple of years older than them.  At the same time, when I do feel "grown up", I feel a lot more confidence in my adult-ness than I used to.  I am a walking contradiction, a paradox, if you will.  It's either one extreme or the other; a grown-up mature adult, or a child trapped in an adult's body way out of her league with problems and responsibilities.

One thing I enjoy in my moments of full-fledged adulthood, is relishing in my new found ability to say "No" to things with very little guilt.  As a matter of fact, I've gotten really good at it!  I have also noticed that in general, adulthood has led me to a life of much less guilt in just about every area of my life.  I like being an adult because I feel empowered to create the life I feel is best for me and my children, and I'm not so much at the whim of other's opinions and feelings about my life.  I feel mature when I am faced with a problem, and I am able to solve it, or it least turn it around into a better situation.  I feel like a grown up when I am on top of the details and responsibilities in my life.  When I am able to help someone, I feel proud to be the adult version of me.

I feel like I'm a child, in way over my head when my children have problems that can't be solved in a short period of time or when I can't wrap my head around an immediate solution.  When I must speak in front of groups of people, the shy and insecure child in me comes out and I wish I could hide behind someone's leg, or run home to be alone.  When someone questions my core values or intentions, I feel vulnerable like a child again.  I feel like I'm young again when it rains and when it's Halloween.  When I am in nature, when I exert myself physically, when I am with friends or with Robert, I feel much younger than my age.  I suppose there are times when I enjoy feeling like a child again, like when I am acting silly or inappropriate for my age, and then there are times when I don't delight in feeling like a child because I feel helpless and not heard or understood.

I wonder if I will always feel this contradiction in ages within me, or if eventually the adult will win out.  Or maybe, instead of the two displaying themselves like a multiple personality disorder, the two will integrate, and instead of being one or the other extreme, I will turn into a mature adult who also embraces the joy of having a child inside.

Worn Out

Lately I have been feeling just plain worn out and completely unmotivated when it comes to parenting. It could be partially because Ashton recently had a bad case of E.Coli for 7 days, or it could just be the cumulative years of raising 5 kids and their never-ending needs that is getting to me.  So in an attempt to find the humor in my current status, I thought I would write a series of too-true statements for your entertainment and my release of some stress.

You Know Your Worn Out When. . .

You choose to hop over the sticky spots on the kitchen floor instead of clean them up.  You look like you are playing a mean game of hopscotch every time you enter the kitchen.  Denial--ain't it great?

It takes all of your energy to quickly get yourself ready for the day and do the breakfast dishes before your children walk in the door at 3:30.

Your dog poohs on the floor and instead of being mad, you're just glad she decided to eat it so you don't have to clean it up.  Ewwww.

Your children are gone for 7 hours of the day, yet when they walk in the door and begin hammering you with questions and requests, you soon feel you need a break from them.

You realize you have participated in a 20 minute conversation with one of your younger children and have no idea what they were talking about because you have mastered the art of peppering the conversation with the appropriate comments such as, "Really?" and "Uh huh", "That's great!", and "You're amazing!"

Your husband suggests having someone come in to help you get on top of the cleaning, but alas, you realize that house is just too messy to have someone stoop to that level.

You realize you have absolutely NO privacy.  This includes the bathroom, your bedroom, and your closet, and you don't even put up a fight about it.  You have officially accepted it.

You feel slightly put out that your children need to be fed 3 whole times a day.

You choose to not even ask if a certain child has done what you asked them to do because you dread having to follow through with consequences if they haven't.

Your child is quietly playing nicely and you must be absolutely stealth while walking through the house because if they hear you, they might want to interact with you, and you just can't.

You are considering not taking a 40th birthday trip with your husband because it's just so hard to do everything you would need to do to leave the house and children for an extended amount of time.

Your children and husband do a double take when you get all the way ready for the day on Sunday. "You look different, Mama!"

You realize that you can't give up caffeine because even with 8 hours of sleep at night, and an hour nap during the day, you are still dragging.

You are secretly relieved when a couple of children choose to give up on the lessons they were taking because now you don't have to drive them anywhere or force them to practice.  YIPEE!

Your child starts to throw up and you hold out your hands to catch it because you're no where near the toilet. You know that this means you will now probably get the flu, but the idea is slightly thrilling since maybe, just maybe you can be sick and they will leave you alone for a day.

When going grocery shopping alone is considered "Me time."

You desperately need time away so you suggest to your husband that you both drive a child to their lesson to escape the others still at home to finally have some private time talking in the car.  We actually did this last night.

Your child's teacher calls to discuss a certain child's need for drama in the classroom and your response is, "Yep.  I don't doubt that."

BUT. . .

Here are some good things happening around here as well:
*Christian took first at a state science competition and will now be going to Nationals in Tennessee this June.  He is applying for a research position at the U of U for the summer.
*Madison is participating in track and trying out for cheerleading.
*Hunter was selected to be featured as dancer of the month (for hip hop) again and featured on their website and dance magazine cover.  He is also taking guitar lessons with Robert.
*Elisabeth is taking cheerleading with her favorite cousin, Sierra and loves it and is excelling at school.
*Ashton is starting soccer soon and is one of the top students in his class in math and reading.
*We just booked a family trip to Southern California in August and are looking forward to our 1st ever RV trip to Southern Utah with some friends.

Yep, Life is still good.

Tag Team

For Family Night this week, we got out the kids' baby blessings which we did an audio recording of back when they had them, and then transcribed and put in each of the their scrapbooks.  For our activity, they each read theirs to the family.  As I was going through their scrapbooks looking for their blessings, I was overwhelmed with how fast they are each growing up!  I was also touched at how specific and on target Robert was in the blessings he gave each of the kids, even though at the time he had only known them for a few weeks.  Each child had been promised amazing things, some of which had come to pass and others that haven't quite yet.  Robert always has given such wonderful blessings, and actually I have never really heard ones quite as specific and beautiful as the ones he has given our children.  I have always known what a gifted father he is, but this past week I was reminded when I flipped through the kids scrapbooks and saw how hands on he is with them.  There were picture reminders of him painting Madison's fingernails, changing Christian's diaper (at age FOUR) on the grounds of the Nauvoo Temple, teaching the kids to golf, volunteering in their classrooms, dates with them, sleeping with them on the trampoline, camping trips, and many more pictures of him teaching, teaching, teaching them. Oh, and the amazing fact that for a long time, he actually put together the scrapbooks WITH me.  When he gets home from work, the first words out of his mouth are usually, "What needs to be done?"  We are an excellent tag team, with each of us doing homework with the kids and giving attention needed until they are in bed.  Also, Ashton has been really sick for about 6 days now and I have watched at how attentive Robert has been to him, actually insisting when I attempt to take over that he get his opportunity to help Ashton even when it was in the middle of the night.  When I hear how other families function with clear delineation of what the father and mother are supposed to do, I am so thankful that it has never been that way for me.  Robert is every bit as nurturing, compassionate, and hands on, as I have ever been--if not more so.  He really could be the mom and the dad just fine without me!  I do much of the yard work because I enjoy it, and he plays quite a bit with the kids because he enjoys that more than I do.  Our jobs are often interchangeable and mostly defined by what we each prefer to do most.  Boy do I like the way things run in our family!  And I am so thankful for him. Wonderful, splendid him.  I found this quote the other day that best describes what I feel a marriage should be:

“I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other.”
–Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

He guards my solitude, and for that I am the luckiest.

Madison taking her first steps to Robert

Sometimes, It's Not About Me I Guess

My 5 peanuts celebrating Ashton's Bday

If there is one thing that I have learned about parenting that may be one of the most important lessons I have acquired over the years (but still haven't completely mastered), it is to not make your children's problems about you. When you start to make their problems all about your suffering, or disappointment,  hardship, or insecurity then you are coming from a place of selfishness.  Your child can detect this and often rebels against it, holds resentment towards you for it, or may in fact comply with what you want for them, but this may drive a trust or communication wedge between the two of you.  As I have written about before, Christian was a difficult first child having some early signs of his anxiety disorder from the very beginning.  All of his negative behaviors I connected to my lack of ability as a mother which centered around continual inadequacy.  For several years, his problems were static, with no progress and maybe even exacerbated by me making the problem about my failures.  We were fixed in an unhealthy dance of me needing him to act a certain way so that I could feel I was alright as a mother, him not being able to live up to those expectations, and then us both feeling like we had failed.  It wasn't until I was able to disconnect myself from his problems that they were able to be alleviated.  I am learning more and more that detachment is a very healthy way to parent, and is ironically, the key to attachment between parent and child.  Isn't that sort of a strange realization?  Another example of how I failed at this was the other day when my daughter mentioned to me that there was NO WAY she would ever have 5 children and would probably have 2 instead because of the continual chaos at our house.  Instead of detaching and realizing that she needs to listen to her instincts and do what is right for her, I thought, "I must be failing because she hates the home we've created for her."  I know, that's absurd thinking and I quickly realized it and snapped out of it.  We then were able to have a much better discussion on how hard parenting is and that she should never let anything but her and her husband's desires affect the size of her family.  This is a small example that most likely caused little harm because I realized my error quickly, but if I were to do that on a continual basis, she would learn that her feelings and instincts were not validated by me so maybe they were bad in some way, or maybe she can't trust me with the bigger things in the future because I might get my feelings hurt, aka make it all about me.  I found this article the other day that articulated exactly how I feel about the issue so I thought I would share.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can to respond to any situation with your children. You can respond from love (focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.  (So so hard not to do!)

Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.

Here are some dos and don’ts you can apply in order to achieve parenting from love instead of fear.

*Don’t blame yourself for things your child does.  Guilt paralyzes you into inaction.  It is better to not attach yourself to things good or bad that your child does because then if there is a problem, you are entrenched in guilt and unable to proactively help them resolve their issue.  If you continue to focus on parenting from a fear locus, you will make the situation about you and your child will resent you for this.

*You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line.  Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail.  This one is a big one.  Everyone needs to realize that their worth cannot be added to or taken away from by the things they do or don't do.  You already have infinite worth.  You can make your life easier or harder by decisions for sure, but don't get your personal worth mixed in with mistakes you make.  Children need to realize this too.

*Trust the process of life.  I believe that your life (and your child’s life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to — so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God’s hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.--I'm not completely sure I am totally on board with this one, but I do agree that coming from a place of trust and hope is much more desirable than coming from a place of fear and suffering.

*Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anthing, come from a place of compassion, humility and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him/her with respect.

*Don’t manipulate, lecture, blackmail or use guilt. Don’t say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your child. Don’t deny love or approval. Don’t spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.

*Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor and respect his right to see the world the way he/she sees it. Make sure she feels loved, admired, respected and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.

It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)  

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for, to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you." -Wayne Dyer

Walking In Pink Mocassins

I found this essay the other day written by the incomparable Carol Lynn Pearson and I had to share it.  I read it to Robert and Christian and they got a kick out of it and both agreed that it shed new light on how women might sometimes feel growing up under patriarchy with few references to a Mother in Heaven and also having most of those preside over you be men with their accompanying male perspective. Here is Carol Lynn's role reversal scenario:

A Walk In Pink Mocassins

"Men cannot possibly know what it is like to be a female child in a Motherless House unless they are given a glimpse into what it would be like to be a male child in a Fatherless House. I have had for years a daydream in which I invite men to walk a mile in the pink moccasins. I become one of the Presiding Sisters, speaking to the “boys of comparable age.” The fact that this glimpse is fairly shocking and leaves us disoriented demonstrates the extent to which we have all become acclimated to absurdity, to being assured that a Motherless House is normal.

My dear young brethren, it is such a delight to be able to speak to you today. Your faces and your clothing look so clean and fresh. I know that our Mother in Heaven is pleased as she looks down on you this day. And I want, first of all, to convey to you the fact that our Mother loves you. I am persuaded that She loves you just as much as she loves her daughters, and I hope you can believe that.

And what a marvelous plan She has laid out for you! What a glorious role you are called to fill! How you must have rejoiced in spirit as She created the earth and placed there her crowning creation, Eve, the first and perfect woman. But of course our Mother could see that Eve was not complete, that she needed a worthy helpmeet to assist her in the great work she was called to do. And so this is where you come in, dear brethren. A rib from Eve’s own body was fashioned into the body of Adam, and he was given her as a friend and helpmeet. What a glorious and noble calling! So important was he to Eve, and so important the commandment her Mother had given, that even when Adam sinned because he was deceived, Eve knowingly sinned with him so they could remain together.  How vital the job of a helpmeet is!

And over the centuries how you must have rejoiced as the plan unfolded further–through the great Matriarchs, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel–as our Mother’s holy prophetesses continued to reveal her word to us, as woman after woman was sent to do important work, making us all better people so that we could bless the lives of our husbands and children.

Keep yourselves clean and pure, dear brethren, that one day one of our Mother’s choice daughters might look with favor upon you, claim you as her own, and give to you the glorious privilege of serving as her helpmeet, adding glory unto her as she adds glory unto the Mother.

And do not listen to the voices that cry out to you from the world. We are living in dark and evil times. Satan herself desires you. Do not listen to the voices that tell you you are suppressed, that entice you to a thing called full personhood and freedom. The role of man has always been made clear by God Herself. The place he occupies in our Mother’s plan is not in question–it is now, always has been, and always will be to stand by the side of woman, assisting her in the great work she has been given to do.

It is true that new doors are opening for man to contribute in many fields besides his primary one, and we are glad when a man shows talents and abilities in a wider range of service. We encourage this. We are proud of the achievements of our fine young men.

And as the light of our Mother grows brighter in this world we learn even more of the glorious truths concerning manhood, that it is intended indeed to be a partnership with woman. In fact, one of the truths of our age, and I believe with all my heart this is a truth even though we don’t want to talk about it and even though the words were written by a man–somewhere we’ve a Father there! Imagine! Somewhere we’ve a Father there!”

In my daydream, when the dust of the shock settles, the men nod their heads and say, “I see,” and they are never quite the same again."