Love & Logic Parenting

Because I love learning, I have always approached parenting with an attitude of learning.  Let's face it, parenting is too hard to go about it haphazardly with no goals, strategies, or plan.  Great children are not raised by mistake;  it takes a certain deliberateness on our part to achieve good results.  And in the end, it really is about THEIR decisions that determines their happiness.  Above my kitchen table, I have a scripture quote on the wall that reads, "O be wise: what can I say more?"  I love this because it is the words of a parent on his deathbed pleading with his children to be wise, knowing that he has taught them everything he possibly could, and now it is up to them to choose wisdom.  You can kind of tell the different trials of parenting I have gone through by looking at my bookshelves:  "What To Expect:  The Toddler Years", "Real Boys", "Parenting the Angry Child", "Raising Confident Girls", "Letting Go With Love and Confidence" are some of the names of books I have.  The newest one I just read is called, "Parenting with Love & Logic".  It mirrors my own value and belief system and gives lots of ideas of how to deal with different situations.  It has been a great reinforcer and refresher course for me on what I believe is proper parenting.  Here are some things I learned from reading this book.

Ineffective parenting styles:

Helicopter parents--Parents who think that love means revolving their lives around their children.  They hover and then rescue their children whenever trouble arises.  As soon as their children send up an SOS flare, these parents who are already hovering nearby, swoop in and shield their children from teachers, playmates, and other elements that seem hostile.  While today these "loving" parents may feel they are easing their children's path into adulthood, when they leave home they find themselves unequipped for the challenges of life.  Their significant learning opportunities were stolen from them in the name of love.  The helicopter parent sends the message to their children that "You are fragile and can't make it without me."  The irony is that helicopter parents are often viewed by others as "model" parents.  This is the mom that is often spoken of on Mother's Day in sacrament meeting.  She bakes like a chef, sews like a master seamstress, does her kids laundry and cleaning until they leave home and seems like she loves every minute of it.  I can't stand this woman.  Inwardly she is a ravening wolf, taking secret pleasure in making the rest of us look like mean or selfish mothers.

Turbo-attack parent--These parents are obsessed with the desire to create a perfect world for their children .  It is a life wherein the child can be launched into adulthood with the best of credentials.  They look great on paper with all of their high grades, extracurricular activities, awards, and special honors.  Their mistakes are swept under the table by their parents and anyone who creates a threat to their child's impeccable credentials is blasted down mercilessly.  Their child is always a "victim" in the parent's eyes when they don't succeed and the child learns to blame others for their lack of success.

Drill Sergeant parents--They feel like the more they bark and the more they control, the better their kids will be in the long run.  "These kids will be disciplined", and "They will know how to act" the drill sergeant parent says.  If the children don't do what they are told, this type of parent makes them do it.  Kids of drill sergeant parents, when given the chance to think for themselves, often make horrendous decisions--to the complete consternation and disappointment of their parents.  They end up being even more susceptible to peer pressure than most teens because as children, when the costs of mistakes were low,  they were never allowed to make their own decisions but were trained to listen to a voice outside of their heads--that of their parents.  When they reach the teenage years, they follow the same pattern; only this time, the voice outside their heads is their "friends".  They are followers in the truest sense.  The drill sergeant parent sends the message "You can't think for yourself, so I'll do it for you."

The Laissez-Faire parent--These parents who for one reason or another--whether it is because they are unsure of how to handle their child or have become confused by the variety of parenting opinions and advice out there--decide to let their children raise themselves.

It's not possible to always be on our game as parents.  Sometimes parenting can just feel like a test of endurance.  I think I have used all 4 of these types of parenting styles above on different occasions.  But if you approach parenting with a plan, a way of viewing your job as their parent, then you are more likely to act rather than react in the heat of the moment.

Before I even knew the concept of a "love and logic" parenting strategy, I conducted myself using these methods.  I firmly believe in it as the core of raising successful, happy, and independent children.  I have been having several problems with a couple of children and so this book was an amazing source of suggestions of different ways to respond.  It has been a good reminder of the values that I started out with, but sometimes get weary of enforcing.  Here is the "love and logic" strategy in a nut shell:

As children grow, they move from being concrete thinkers to being abstract thinkers when they are teens.  Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits.  We set those limits based on the safety of the child and how the child's behavior affects others.  As much as we can, we allow natural consequences to teach them what they need to know to be successful adults, asking them questions and offering choices instead of telling them what to do.  The burden of decision is put on the children's shoulders instead of the parents.  True, it is painful to watch our kids learn through natural consequences, but that pain is part of the price we must pay to raise responsible kids.  Love and logic parents give their children many responsibilities, knowing that this is the only way for them to gain confidence and learn how to be responsible adults.

Here are some example situations:
--When my children leave home in 20 degree weather choosing not to wear a coat, I say nothing because I know that being cold is the best deterrent to refusing to wear a coat.  When they get home and say to me, "Boy was I cold at recess today!"  I respond with genuine sympathy.  Period.  If they want to be warm, they will wear a coat.

--Staying up late.  I don't say anything to my kids when they choose to stay up late, as long as they are in their rooms and not bothering Robert and I.  The consequence of being woken up for scriptures at the same time every morning regardless of what time they went to bed is enough of a lesson in staying up too late.  I don't need to make this issue into a fight.

--Dinner time.  Anyone who has tried to force a child to eat a dinner that they don't want to knows it never works.  So for our picky eater, we say that she has to eat at the table with us although she doesn't have to eat our food.  She is welcome to make herself her own dinner every night (it must be healthy).  And she does.  Every night, my 7 year old makes herself a peanut butter and honey sandwich for dinner.  In my mind, there is absolutely no reason her pickiness should result in me having to make 2 dinners every night.  With my 4 year old, we just implemented the rule that if he chooses not to eat dinner when we eat, he is choosing to go to bed hungry.  At bedtime, when he is suddenly starving, we express how sad we are for him that he is so hungry, but he can eat a big breakfast in the morning.  Yes there is crying involved, but I am hoping that the lesson will be learned quickly.

--Interactions between siblings and friends.  I have a child that is constantly stirring up drama with siblings and friends.  Sometimes these friends and siblings don't want to be around this child because of the way he/she treats them.  Instead of shielding them from these consequences, I welcome them.  I genuinely feel sad when this child is hurt from the consequences of their actions, but point out that he/she can make a different choice next time that will have better results.

--Procrastination.  My 15 year old has gotten in the habit of putting off school assignments until the last minute.  I say nothing about it when he tells me that he had to stay up until 3am doing homework, although I do feel bad that he is so tired the next day.  However, recently his procrastination started to effect us because when it was his dish night, he would say, "I have too much homework!" because he chose to procrastinate.  Robert and I kept having to do his dishes.  I realized after reading this book that the responsibility for his poor choice needed to be put back on his shoulders.  So I had a talk with him, telling him exactly that; we are not going to do your dishes because you have chosen to save all your homework until the latest possible moment.  Because it was not in the heat of the moment, he handled it well, agreeing that what he was doing wasn't fair to us.

The key is that with every wrong choice the child makes, the punishment comes from the world, not us.  They in turn, don't get mad at us, but angry with themselves for their choice.

With every encounter, the book suggests giving them 2 choices so they feel they have control, but are not overwhelmed with choices.  A winnable war is waged through choices, not demands.  Choices change the entire complexion of the control struggle.  With choices, kids have no demands to react against, and the control we need is established.  What I have learned over the years is that young children are MUCH more capable of doing things then we sometimes think.  And when we allow them to do things for themselves, not only do we take some of the strain off ourselves, but we allow them to develop self confidence.

Okay.  We all know that things rarely run this smoothly.  Take for example my 4 year old who throws vicious, and long temper tantrums.  The book advises that it is best to respond to bad behavior in a detached manner, and to respond to good behavior with emotion.  Easier said than done, for sure.  This is a scenario the book recommends for handling a temper tantrum.  When it is obvious that a child needs to go to their room, you offer them a choice, "Would you like to go to your room walking, or would you like me to carry you?"  The child doesn't respond so the parent says, "Uh-oh!  It looks like you are choosing to be carried."  And then the parent says, "Feel free to continue your tantrum up here by yourself.  Would you like to have the door open or closed?"  If the child tries to flee, then say "Uh oh!  It looks like you are choosing to have your door closed."  And then of course in my case, I usually end up having to lock him in because he still chooses to come out.  However, when he calms down and is let out, he always shows remorse and behaves better afterward.

I must include this HILARIOUS example of what the book suggests saying.  When a child becomes spoiled and entitled, one could say "I know you want me to (help with homework, drive you somewhere, etc.)  However, I'm sorry to say that taking you places (doing things for you) has put a darkening cloud over my haze of happiness lately.  That's sad but true.  So I think I'll pass on doing that for you this time."   AHAHAHA!  After I read this, I continued to say it to my kids all day, "You are putting a darkening cloud over my haze of happiness, could you please stop?"  It became quite a joke that we all laughed at all day.  Although it is funny, I like the concept that it teaches:  You can be a mother, without being a martyr.  So, so incredibly important.  The book stresses the importance of a parent modeling healthy adult behavior by taking care of themselves and even occasionally putting themselves first.  This models for the child how to take care of themselves and the importance of having a good self image.

There is so much more that I learned (or re-learned) from this book, and I highly recommend it.  I feel a little more in control of my life now and much more empowered about handling various situations.  Now I must simply continue to press on.