Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts"

Jack Handey is an American Humorist who is best known for his "Deep Thoughts" which were featured and made popular on Saturday Night Live for many years.  For some reason, I was thinking about some of them the other day and thought I would share some of my favorites with you.  Note:  these should be read with a calm and soothing voice in your head with peaceful easy listening music playing and soothing pastoral scenes sporadically popping up.  Hopefully, you get sarcasm.

*If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I’m a coward.

*Time heals all wounds.  But it usually leaves a pretty big scar.

*It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

*Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.

*Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why, so is mankind.

*Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

*I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

*I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

*I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

*I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo! I'd have all my money back.

*If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.

*If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

*If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

*If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

*If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the heck are you supposed to carry it?!

*Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for dinner?

*Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

*The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

*To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?", you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

*When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

*Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

*If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

*It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

*To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

PROBLEMS:  No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now,  remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them.

VICTORY:  Winners never fly higher than when they're bouncing up and down on the egos of those they defeat.