If I had to say the one thing I have been really good at lately it would be MEDIOCRITY. It feels lately like all of my normal activities and responsibilities are but a mere burden and for whatever reason I can't seem to get past that. What I didn't realize up until this stage of my life was how much life was about enduring the absolute banal. For the majority of my adult years, life was invigorating with always something to look forward to; a new baby, a move to a new place, meeting new people, etc. I sort of got addicted to the excitement that the drama of these things brought into my life and had a hard time when they stopped and it was time to simply settle into life. Now life is very much copacetic (satisfactory at best) and the majestic sunsets in my days seem fewer and far between. Take the other day for instance. Upon realizing that I was late for a carpool I had to pick up and also feeling very flu-ish, I raced to Bountiful to pick them up and while in the car I got two phone calls within 2 minutes from home. One was informing me that the dog had barfed 3 times and the other was to inform me that the toilet had overflowed and was still overflowing. And I think I might have said the "H" word in frustration. When I arrived home, one of my children accosted me into a corner of the house and bestowed upon me this message: "Remember those 2 things I confessed to you last week? Well there are 2 more things I need to tell you that are waaaaay worse." Okaaaayyyy. Now, what's for dinner?! And can you help me with my homework? These are the absolute banal things that fill my life all day every day which sort of weigh on me and lead me to feeling worn out even though nothing that is happening to me is particularly awful. This in turn leads to me performing sometimes at a mediocre level which I feel really bad about.
I guess Life is really just made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. The question is, can you find and appreciate the mica in the gray cement which is your life? Sometimes I can, and sometimes it feels like there's a severe drought and I am thirsting for some sort of rainbow and no matter how many times I tell myself to live in the moment and enjoy the small things, I feel anxious and like it wouldn't be so bad to not appreciate some of those moments. I would love to tell you I have an amazing and inspiring solution to my problem, but I don't. Except for maybe perseverance. Because I just know there will be some glittering mica around the next corner. And maybe in fact, on this day, I found some.
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| Madison and best friend Ashley sledding |
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| Neighborhood sledding |
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| Robert trying to snowboard his sled down the hill. |
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| Little Bear |
5 comments:
I am so happy I get to enjoy our vastly cement life together! Your my glittering Mica!!!
I have been on an active mission to try to eradicate every unpleasant burden in my life for many years now, and recently I have actually accomplished this feat - sometimes on several days in a row - I have lived my daily life like I am on vacation (exercise, read, relax, other people clean for me, cook for me). And I discovered that at the end of that journey there was nothing there. It was totally empty and dead - like a great nothing that stretched on and on. And I wondered if it was what old people feel in nursing homes - just hours stretched out in front of them with nothing to do. And I started actually bringing back burdens in to my life on purpose. I realize that we do this when we take on a new job, new volunteer work, new school, new baby, new house, etc. They are exciting, but they bring a lot of tedious burdens as well. The difference is that I appreciate some of the burdens more because they signify that I have a life. Having a house full and alive is better than a perfectly clean one that never gets dirty. The trick is balance. Too much relaxation is emptiness, and too much grueling work is misery.
Oh ghees, unfortunately I hear you loud and clear. In fact, I thought of you just the other day wishing you really were already a therapist and I could make an appointment to come see you. Then I wondered if a few years in school would really make a difference in your expertise/advise/opinions and figured I should schedule "an appointment" with you (aka a lunch date) and see if you can help me figure out my as-of-late-crazed-mind.
Life...
We think a lot alike. I've written a few times about how I can't stand when my life seems stagnant and I also have problems with constantly needing something to look forward to. I enjoy being in my 20's but I must admit that there is an overwhelming amount of change that goes on in your 20's and I am so used to these monumental things happening such as getting married, sealed, house, baby, graduating college, job, etc. that it feels very foreign to me to have nothing to in essence "look forward to" and it's like I'm not being productive simply by living my normal routine every day life. I think that's probably one of the reasons I decided to run a marathon. To give me something to look forward to and help me remember that I'm alive and still a person outside of a mom and wife. I like your analogy you used. Going out to lunch with you brings glitter to my otherwise monotonous days! I wrote a poem a few months ago that you might find amusing. I ought to email you it!
I just keep planning trips and fun getaways - trips with the family, with Dave and just by myself. That helps me to always have something to look forward to.
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