My friend Tiffany and I have lamented several times about the complexities involved with the pros and cons of forcing our children to apologize. It's an issue that comes up in a family with 5 children almost every day and having a conflicted outlook on what should be done adds to the confusion of a moment of strife between 2 children or a parent and a child. I have to admit that just last week in a moment of pure reaction instead of well thought out action, I blurted out, "Apologize! Or you get another chore!" Ugh. I totally disappointed myself in that moment and have regretted it ever since. But, in spite of my inconsistency over the years, I think I've finally come to the conclusion that for me, forcing an apology upon a child doesn't feel right. And here is why:
1) It Teaches The Child To Lie. In a nutshell, a forced apology teaches a child that it's OK to say things you don't mean in order to accomplish an objective. This is a dangerous lesson.
2) The Child Doesn't Learn To Feel Empathy For Others. Empathy is a necessary component in any SINCERE apology and, in my opinion, a necessary part of the emotional makeup of any decent human being. When the focus of a conflict simply becomes the apology, rather than the effect the original behavior had on another individual, the lesson is lost. The emphasis, in my opinion, should be the learning of empathy, versus the stating of an apology. Hopefully, apologizing and empathy go hand in hand, but to me, learning empathy is much more important.
3) It Encourages Negative Behavior. Instead of teaching children that bad behavior results in negative consequenses, the habit of forcing apologies teaches them that they have sort of a revolving get out of jail free card. They do what they want, say sorry, then go about their business. They learn that their parents will bargain with them for their behavior.
The child’s use of a mocking tones serve to help them save face and keep a shred of dignity in the moment.
The child is saying with their behavior “I won’t be forced against my will. You can’t make me. You might be able to force me to say “I’m sorry”, but you can’t make me feel it – HA! I win! I defeat you!
Sadly, it becomes a war between parent and child, a total distraction from the actual task of learning from their mistake, helping the harmed party feel better and ultimately making amends for the incidents.
The child begins to feel angry at their parents and instead of owning the responsibility for their behavior they feel the other party actually got them in trouble with their parents, so they don’t feel empathy or remorse anymore. In fact, they now feel justified and not responsible!
What to do instead?
1) Modeling. If you are one to say “sorry” when you err, they will mimic you. I have found incredible teaching power in apologizing sincerely to my children.
2) Pause. That’s right. Give kids a moment to volunteer a genuine response to a situation before you jump in guns a’blazin’. You may well discover that your children do say they are sorry, if given a moment to compose themselves. I have a particular child (or 2) that given some time, still may or may not feel empathy over whatever it is that he/she did. What then? I have decided that the natural consequences of alienating siblings and peers is a better teacher of proper social behavior than me forcing an apology that is not felt. I then explain to the child that was hurt that the unapologetic child is still learning the importance of an apology, but that I am sympathetic to their injury whether it be physical or emotional.
3) Focus on the future: Instead of forcing them to say sorry about the past, which they can’t change, put the focus on their commitment to do something differently in the future. “Can you let your friend know that you won’t take his bike without asking ever again?”
4) Ask your child “what should happen now?” If they broke a neighbor’s window playing ball, letting the child think for themselves of how to right the situation helps build empathy, internalizes the lesson, and generates positive feelings about rectifying the situation. Replacing the window with their allowance and writing a letter stating it was an accident and promising to play in the park in the future feels restorative when they come up with the idea.
This is my new theory at least. I've been kind of leaning towards this way of thinking for years, but it is only recently that I've tried to remove my inconsistencies and embrace this strategy fully. In the end, I think inconsistency itself is the worst situation for children to be in and so completely committing to any strategy has a better outcome than them not knowing what to count on.
What do you think?
