A Religious Post That No One Will Probably Read Because It Is Long But That's Okay

The longer I am alive, the grayer I see things but with much more simplicity as well.  This is especially true when it comes to religion.  I, like most people who are honest with themselves, have had my ups and downs with my testimony on differing topics.  I have always known the church was true, but have increasingly grown in my ability to delineate between others' views of religion, and my own views.  I have learned to place a high value on my instincts and/or my own personal revelation.  I have spent, or should I say WASTED, many years feeling inferior and guilty--not for any major offense but because I confused the LDS religion with the LDS culture--which is incredibly strong and can be incredibly damaging, especially to women.  When I have had questions and concerns on different topics of religion, I have felt isolated many times, falsely perceiving that I was a "bad" person to have questions,  and like there was no one to talk to without them thinking less of me.  What I have realized is that most Mormons have had the same issues as me at some point and we can help buoy each other up if we are more honest about our struggles.  What usually happens though is that we each struggle in our testimonies alone, while pretending all is fine, when really it would be so therapeutic to be able to put it all out on the table and be honest without fear of judgment.  I passed by a billboard a couple of years ago which was an advertisement for another church that read, "All of the religion.  None of the guilt."  I am sure they were referring to the strict rules that our church has (which have never bothered me) which can result in feelings of guilt.  For a split second my mind thought, "Wouldn't that be nice?!"  And while we all sin regularly and a certain amount of guilt is good, I think there is also a lot of toxic and unnecessary guilt over things that aren't even sins.  Guilt of this kind is debilitating and instead of inspiring us to overcome and do better, we can become hopeless, depressed, negative, and bitter.  I know.  Because I have been there.  Here is a quote that expresses this idea perfectly:

"My highest hope is for all of us to stop trying to fool others by appearing to have our act together. As people living in intimate union with God, we need to become better known for what and who we actually are. Perhaps a good place to begin would be telling the world—before the world does its own investigation—that we’re not as bad as they think. We’re worse….If we really believe the gospel we proclaim, we’ll be honest about our own beauty and brokenness, and the beautiful Broken One will make himself known to our neighbors through the chinks in our armor—and in theirs."

I hope for more candor and transparency in Mormonism. I want our talks to be more like country songs, where people recount all the honest sorrow first and only then voice the hope. I want us to be free to bring our whole selves to church, in all our beautiful brokenness. As Frederick Buechner has written, “Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.”

And then recently, I was sent this article: ( http://www.staylds.com/docs/WhatIsOfficialMormonDoctrine.html) by a good friend.  It is entitled "Mormon Doctrine:  What's Official, And What Isn't?".  I have not yet been able to find out the credentials of it's author, Donald L. Ashton, only that he is a part of a forum for members of the church who are struggling with their beliefs.  Regardless of who he is, his words resonated deeply with me because he was able to eloquently state what I have always felt regarding my LDS faith but have been too timid to say.  Here is the gist of his article:

*Mormons commonly assume official publications, policies, procedures, pronouncements, and pontifications are Official Doctrine.  While they are necessary and important for the running of the Church, they don't meet the standard which the church itself has defined doctrine to be, which is:  "the Church is willing to be bound before the world to the things that God has revealed, and which the Church has officially accepted.  These are the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.  And those alone."  Harold B. Lee stated, "It is not to be thought that every word spoken by the General Authorities is inspired, or that they are moved upon by the Holy Ghost in everything they write.  I don't care what his position is, if he writes something or speaks something that goes beyond anything that you can find in the standard church works."  I acknowledge that it can be a tricky proposition to embrace one's questions of faith and rely more on your own ability for personal guidance.  After all, what if those questions lead you away from the church?  There's always that possibility.  I still say, having experienced this process with someone very close to me, that it is better that someone flails about temporarily on their own, than blindly accepting the gospel.  They are much more likely not to fall in the future if it comes from their core, not someone else's.

*There are 5 items often assumed to be Official Doctrine, but are not:

-Official talks and statements--I would agree that MOST of what general authorities and apostles say is wise counsel.  However, I reserve the right to accept or struggle with their words before I take their thoughts as my own--and without guilt, moreover.  Here are some examples of when prophets have misspoken:

*Brigham Young (and Bruce R. McConkie) taught that Blacks would never get the Priesthood.
*Joseph Fielding Smith said man would never set foot on the moon.
*Several GA's taught that polygamy is essential for salvation and would never be removed from the Church.
*Personally, I am not so sure polygamy was ever meant to be revealed doctrine because there were such tremendous breeches in propriety that occurred.  Nonetheless, I still believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God even though he was flawed.  And I still leave room for the possibility that indeed it was a true revelation.

-Official publications (yes, even the Ensign is not "official" church doctrine, although highly valued)
-Official policy and procedure (the handbooks are NOT church doctrine although widely followed)
-Books by general authorities
-Conventional wisdom (ie.: commonly held beliefs that have no official origin)

I realize that these are tiny, incremental things that were professed and were obviously wrong, but I also firmly believe that by far MOST of everything that is spoken is true and very wise counsel.  HOWEVER, if you have the false notion that everything that comes out of General Authorities' and Apostles/Prophet's mouths is absolute truth, you may have some major issues should you choose to delve into church history.  And let me be frank here; there is a LOT of church history that can be disturbing.  I am actually on firm ground on this one because of the fact that I can see the gray and know that the church has evolved over time, and that's okay by me.  But, I am also not going to sweep under the rug some of the ugly truths in our history in regards to polygamy.  AND, I don't consider it "anti-mormon" literature just because it is troubling.  Some people believe that it is best to never delve into anything that could be categorized as "negative" in our church history.  I disagree.  I have known too many people to grow up with the view that the church is perfect, only to find out later that it is not and then feel disenfranchised with the church.  Honesty is always the best policy, even if the answer is an honest, "I don't know why that happened."  What am I trying to say?  I guess that the church, at it's wonderful beautiful core, is actually quite plain and simple and that there are a lot of things that get mixed into it that can make it seem infinitely more complicated than it should be, including other member's views of the LDS faith.  Have you ever sat in church, listening to a speaker and thought, "I can't believe we belong to the same religion because that is sooooo NOT what I believe."  Most of what is said at the pulpit is of relevance, but there are times like when one member opted to center his talk entirely on the evils of caffeinated drinks, or when someone taught that leggings under a skirt for a girl was immodest, that I absolutely cringe.  They have lost sight of what the gospel is really about!  Christ spent his entire life with the sinners!  He left the 99 to find the 1.  In fact, those that were closest to him, the apostles, were some of the ones that betrayed him in the worst way.  Getting caught up in the tiny nuances of religion will never lead a person back to Christ.  In my mind, to a large degree, we all live our own individual religions because there are such vast interpretations of doctrine.  Because of this,  I plan to address VERY SENSITIVELY these somewhat "gray" topics with my children:

*No one is all good or all bad.  It can be very confusing when a person they view as bad, also does some really good things.  And the inverse as well; that a good person can do things that are wrong.  This is where discernment comes in, and the ability to see shades of gray.

*Bad things definitely happen to good people, but don't blame it all on God.  Most of what happens to us in this life is through natural laws whether it be another's free agency, natural disasters, or human error.  No one is spared life's slings and arrows.

*NEVER trust ANYONE'S religious opinions or inspiration over your own.  It is my experience that most people, even in authority, are just plain MESSED UP!  Whereas my own instincts, along with following spiritual promptings, have safely guided me through life thus far.

*Don't feel bad about questioning your religion.  Elder Uchtdorf counseled:  "We are a question-asking people.  We have always been, because we know that inquiry leads to truth.  That is how the Church got its start, from a young man who had questions.  In fact, I'm not sure how one can discover truth without asking questions.  In the scriptures, you will rarely discover a revelation that didn't come in response to a question…Inquiry is the birthplace of testimony.  Some might feel embarrassed or unworthy because they have searching questions regarding the gospel, but they needn't feel that way.  Asking questions isn't a sign of weakness.  It's a precursor of growth."  Amen and Hallelujah!  I would hope that my children know that if they have questions or religious concerns that Robert and I would listen with understanding and with a spirit of wanting to help them, not judge them.

*Here are some more things that are often accepted as doctrine, when they are instead policy meant to procure consistency and direction or just flat out FALSE perceptions.

-President McKay had a personal dislike for crucifixes and directed the Church building committee to not use them.  His personal preference has taken on a life of it's own where people speculate that we avoid them because of theological reasons.
-To be a "good member" you must be Republican.
-Caffeinated soft drinks are against the word of wisdom.
-Temple garments will always protect you from physical harm.
-Always trust Church leaders' advice over such "worldly" types like psychologists, social workers, scientists, and other intellectuals.
-General Authorities will never lead you astray.
-And then of course there are the myriad of unspoken LDS culture rules that women are weighted with that are definitely not doctrine but sometimes treated as such.  But that, in and of itself, could be a whole essay.

In my opinion, the gospel is about the family and the individual.  If there is a time when callings are getting in the way of family needs, a correction is needed.  It should never be so.  Sometimes I think that spirituality gets lost in religion.  Religiousness and spirituality are two very different things.  There have been times where I have been extremely busy with church responsibilities, and yet felt very unspiritual.  And there have been other times when I have felt very in-tune with Heavenly Father's will for me and not have it much to do at all with church.  The barometer of righteousness sometimes becomes more to do with the image one portrays outwardly as well as whether you can cross visiting teaching and ward temple night off your list of things to do.  I think that perhaps people used to view me as a better person years ago when I was tied up in portraying the image of being the perfect wife and mother.  But now, the cat's out of the bag and people know I am incredibly flawed. This allows me the freedom to be honest about my flaws, while still continuing to work on them.  Being honest about my shortcomings has also allowed me to be a much more accessible person where people know they can talk to me because I can relate to them.  And guess what?  It is much less lonely now.  I have more friends, closer relationships with family and friends and in general, I am a much happier person.  It was actually a great burden to always be on guard, pretending that I was something that I was not.

"Like the Pharisees and Sadducees of the Bible, some people are so obsessive fulfilling the letter of the law that they forget the spirit of the law.  They teach the lesson, but ignore the student.  They are so busy with church work, that they have little time for their own children.  They are so set on arguing their religion that they alienate people.  In their zeal to be right, they fail to be good.  We must not let them draw us away from that which is good, true, and enduring in the gospel."

I have witnessed several people fall away from the church in my life.  Interestingly, it has been for reasons that I can totally relate to--they are issues that I have had at one time or another.  This has led me to speculate that perhaps my ability to see the grays of life has enabled me to hold on when my faith is tried.  It's okay with me that at times prophets have misspoken.  It's okay with me that there were some CRAZY things that when on in the early church.  It's alright with me that the church isn't perfect.  But I still love it, follow it,  and teach my children about it.  My testimony is based purely upon my personal relationship with my Savior, not upon man. Period.