16 years of learning

I don't have a perfect marriage, but I have always been what I would consider very happily married. I genuinely love, am interested in, and am proud of Robert and I feel that directed towards me as well. I was pondering what strategies had brought me to this point and thought I would write them down. I believe a sound, healthy, and mutually fulfilling marriage is truly the best gift you can give your children.

*A good marriage is hard, conscientious, consistent work. There are some that think I just lucked into a good marriage which may be somewhat true, BUT we work at it! Sometimes things just flow and are easy, and other times it takes massive amounts of self-control, endurance, and prayer. It is waking up every morning and asking yourself "What can I do today to make my spouse's life better?" There are many I have observed that get married and think that they have "arrived" and now that person has to be with them the rest of their lives without much effort on their part. It's not that they consciously think "I have my spouse, and now I'm done trying", but this is what their actions show. I find this particularly true in temple marriages that end in divorce; you must nourish a marriage everyday like you would a plant. When I think of people that are happily married, I can think of very few because my definition of "happily married" involves people not just simply enduring each other, but enjoying each other--and that takes effort.

*Learn to overlook frailties. I once watched a documentary on people whose spouses had cancer and what they had learned from that experience. The thing that stuck out most in my mind was to accept/overlook your spouse's weaknesses. Believe me, when life is stressful I know how easy it is to get ticked off by the small things. But those things just aren't worth stewing over and hopefully, if you overlook your spouse's frailties, they will learn to overlook yours. It is my experience that most mature adults already know the things they need to improve upon and having another person standing over them treating them like a child, reminding them of all of their failings never helps improve a relationship. If anything, this can cause a relationship to evolve into a parent-child dynamic.

*Allow your spouse to have a "bad day." There are days where everything seems to go wrong and this can end up putting you in a bad mood--it happens to everyone. For me, nothing diffuses a bad day better than Robert understanding, not judging, and wanting to help make it better. The last thing you need when you are having a difficult day is your spouse yelling at you for being grouchy!

*Learn how to show love to your spouse in the way that they specifically want to receive love. I learned this one early on. I am a very verbal person who likes to receive positive verbal reinforcement often. When Robert and I were first married, we assumed that the other person liked to have love shown to them in the same way that we did. So I would constantly tell Robert how wonderful he was, etc, and he would feel uncomfortable and I would then wonder why he didn't tell me things he liked about me more often. When we finally figured out that we both wished to have love communicated in different ways, we were much better off.

*Learn how to argue constructively. It’s how – not whether – you argue that determines your marriage’s likelihood for long-term survival. In college, I learned about an American psychologist named John Gottman, who after spending almost two decades studying couples’ interactions, could tell with up to 95% accuracy which couples were heading towards relationship breakdown and which were likely to stay together, simply by listening to the first five minutes of a contentious discussion.

Gottman highlights four relationship-rotting factors that he rather dramatically calls the ‘Four Riders of the Apocalypse’. They are:

1. Contempt: Displayed by face pulling, cursing at and insulting your partner, and basically acting as if you are revolted. Gottman and his researchers found that the relationship’s days were very likely to be numbered if contempt was a regular feature of the initial phase of a disagreement. Women who showed contempt whilst their husband talked were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

2. Defensiveness: “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pick on me! What’s your problem?!”

Being overly defensive is another major predictor of future relationship breakdown. If one partner begins yelling as soon as the other broaches a subject and behaves as though they’re being threatened or attacked, and this is a continuing and repeated feature of the couple’s interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being defensive prevents communication and severs intimacy.

3. Don’t criticize, do compliment: Critical partners risk irreparable damage to their relationship. This doesn’t mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a simple complaint is much less damaging than criticism.

Criticism attacks the whole person, their core identity (even if that wasn’t your intent); a complaint is instead directed at an isolated behavior. For example: “You are so lazy!” implies they are always like that and it’s a fundamental part of their identity. Whereas “I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That’s not like you!” is time-limited and more specific.

Some people believe they are trying to ‘improve’ their spouse by constantly pointing out their faults. Even if the intention is good, the consequences are not. Public criticism is humiliating (for both partners), but saying nice things when in company is a wonderful thing to do.

4. Withdrawal or ‘stonewalling’: Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when your partner complains is another huge breakdown predictor. Men are more likely to stonewall, while their wives were generally more critical. Male biology is less able to cope with strong emotion, so men may instinctively use stonewalling in an attempt to avoid entering arguments.

The partner may ‘switch off’ to withdraw during conversations or ultimately ‘escape’ by spending more and more time away from the relationship. The danger lies in the stonewalling pattern becoming permanent and that partner using this strategy to isolate themselves from potentially positive parts of the relationship. Everyone needs space, but never responding to emotional issues leaves the other partner out in the cold.

*Good communication skills. I found these tips to remind me of how to communicate effectively with Robert.

Listen, Understand, Affirm

One very important aspect of clear communication is to validate what the other partner is saying. It is important to do this before pushing ideas back. It demonstrates love and acceptance for the other spouse and a respect for the other's concerns. I can't tell you how many times Robert has diffused my angst by listening and understanding why I feel a certain way. He has never made me feel shameful or guilty for expressing a feeling, no matter how extreme it may be. This has definitely built a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy between us.

Accept the emotion

In dealing with difficult family issues, there is often intense emotion involved around problems and crisis situations. Allow for the emotions of the other spouse. Don't take outbursts personally or try to suppress them. Don't condemn, but continue working through the issues.

Don't jump to conclusions. One spouse may have a tendency to try and fix problems. The spouse who has the problem or issue is usually not looking for a quick fix but just to have their concerns validated.

Honesty

When problems do occur, feelings should be shared. Honesty can be difficult. The importance of communication in marriage can not be understated. Communication barriers come from all angles. A spouse may not share their heart for fear of rejection or just wanting to divert or suppress the pain of conflict.

The bottling up of percieved problems and emotions is not healthy for either party. Both spouses need to be able to share their feelings. Sharing issues can be humbling and risky. A partner could be hurt and won't admit it out of fear of appearing weak or vulnerable. The silent treatment sometimes follows.

This downward spiral can happen over time. It can also happen quickly with an inappropriate comments, sour facial expressions, negative nonverbal gestures. Honesty needs to be sprinkled with gentleness and patience.

It takes practice

Poor interaction between spouses is a draining process that can strain any marriage relationship. Regardless of how long a couple has been married, there are times when partners still miscommunicate and hurt each other. Without question, there is always room for growth. It is never too late to improve.

*Time together. Through the years, we have always made time for long walks together, date nights, and long talks. I believe that by far, the best gift that you can give your kids is a joyful, stable, and well-functioning relationship. If you think you can fake it and that your kids won't notice, you're wrong. Tension, resentment, and unhappiness is always sensed by the children and will affect them one way or another.

*Express your gratitude to your spouse often. When we had just Christian, we decided to do a gratitude journal about things we were thankful for in the other person. Every day, we would try to be attentive and observant to the things the other person was doing so that we could write it in our journals. At the end of the year, we were able to read what each other had written and it was very enlightening and incredibly touching. We haven't done this since then, but I know how good it feels to realize that your spouse is mindful of what you do for him/her and the family.

I am definitely not saying I live all of these skills everyday, but I TRY REALLY HARD to think of Robert's needs on a daily basis, and he does this for me as well. I LOVE to be with him and I profoundly admire him in many ways. Hopefully someday when I go back and get my Master's Degree I can live my dream of doing marriage counseling and pass on all of the wonderful things I have learned from being married for 16 very fulfilling years!