My Advice

I just recently passed two milestones:  Christian registering for 10th grade at Viewmont, and Madison starting Young Women's.  As I was counseling with Christian about which classes to register for, I was very aware of how my past experiences have shaped the type of parent I am.  Christian is probably brilliant.  I mean really.  His counselors have always told him to take the AP (college credit) route because he has always excelled academically.  My advice was NOT to do this, but to pick one or two classes he really enjoys and pursue those, and not to unduly stress himself out with all honors and AP classes.  I then had the conversation with him about learning to listen to his body and his emotions so that he will know when he has taken on too much and should therefore re-prioritize and get rid of something not as important.  Learning to know your personal limits is a valuable tool that I wish I had had at his age.  I told him that there really are remarkably few things that are worth risking your emotional well-being for in order to "succeed", and a 4.0 and AP classes aren't one of those things.  The process of helping plan his high school schedule made me conscious of the fact that I don't think children who are pushed by their parents to excel in something usually emerge as happy, well-adjusted individuals.  If I think about the kids I know that excel at a musical instrument, or sport, or academics, it seems they miss out on a childhood.  Usually it seems like it starts out as the child's interest, and when the parent sees that they are really good at whatever it may be, they push the child beyond where the child would normally want to go and they miss out on being well-rounded as well as the "fun" that high school years should bring.  I'm not saying that I don't want my children to try their best at all their pursuits, I just think that some of their pursuits should also include having fun childhood memories, building strong social skills, setting priorities, and making room for their emotional health.

When I started out being a mother, in my vigor to be the best mom I could be, I had Christian take every class imaginable:  Chess lessons, cooking lessons, violin, piano, art, all the sports, play group, museum day, zoo day, etc.  But then I realized that those things don't make a happy child...or a happy parent.  On Saturday, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend Hunter's blue belt promotion (which is pretty high up) in tae kwon do.  I was so proud because this is an interest that he has chosen for himself, and therefore has been very self-motivated--attending 3 times per week for 2 years with NO complaining.  And while I would love it if he was still playing the piano, the crying fits that he would have daily when asked to practice and the yelling fits that I would in turn have, were simply not worth it.  I cringe when I think back to an evening when I was trying to help Christian practice violin.  I got very irritated that he wasn't understanding the beat of a certain song.  In frustration, I took the bow from him and tapped it on the floor to demonstrate the proper beat and it broke in half.  He was in tears and I felt like a monster.  The next day we dropped violin lessons.  It just wasn't worth the problems it was causing between us, as well as his constant frustration with learning it.  I am reminded of a friend who has children older than mine who gave me this advice on parenting, "always save the relationship."  That's not to say that you can't adamantly disagree with your child's decisions, but if you maintain a close relationship, they will be much more likely to change their ways or seek your advice in the future.

My sister was recently telling me of a child whose mother was bragging about how many AP classes he was taking next year.  I am sure she was hoping to insight jealousy or reinforce what a good mother she must be, but all I thought was--"That's too bad for him.  If he takes all of his college GE courses in high school, he will start college having to jump straight into upper division level courses."  It's just not necessary!  These are the things that I want my children to value and excel in:

*Knowing how to earn things by hard work
*Treating everyone (including themselves) with dignity and respect
*Self-control
*That life is to be enjoyed, not merely endured
*Honesty
*Seeking knowledge
*Seeking wisdom
*Love of themselves and family
*A relationship with Heavenly Father

So the next time I hear someone brag about their child's abilities, you will not find me being jealous.  But you can count on me thinking to myself how happy I am that my children are truly joyful, well-adjusted, deeply loved, and (usually) kind individuals.  And that's all that really matters to me.


“[The fact is] most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride”--Jenkins Lloyd Jones (quoted later by Gordon B. Hinckley)