Mormon Humor

You might be a Mormon if...

 *You might be a mormon if you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or coworkers as brother or sister.
*You might be a mormon if you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will nourish and strengthen our bodies."
*You might be a mormon if you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."
*You might be a mormon if all your dishes have your name written on masking tape.
*You might be a mormon if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society.
*You might be a mormon if you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen.
*You might be a mormon if you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
*You might be a mormon if you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy.
*You might be a mormon if you have no idea who ever said Mormons shouldn't drink coke.
*You might be a mormon if you have to lock your car in the church parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants.

Utah Residency Test

You must be able to answer yes to 10 or more of the following questions to qualify for permanent residency in the state of Utah. Failure to do so qualifies you as a temporary resident only.

*If you've ever used the phrase "bless those who aren't here this time that they can be here next time."
*Do you have a bumper sticker that says "Families can be Forever"?
*Was the mother of the bride pregnant at your wedding?
*If you shop on Sunday, do you post date the check?
*Does your mother have purple or amber plastic grapes in the attic?
*Were you an aunt or uncle before you attended kindergarten?
*Do you have 2 gallons of ice cream in the freezer at all times?
*Do you consider peanut butter on the seat of your car an accessory?
*When you take a family to a restaurant, do you ask for extra plates?
*Do you consider "dam" a swear word?
*Does your family consider a trip to McDonald's a night out?
*Are at least two of your salad bowls at neighbor's houses?
*Do you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer?
*Do you consider your temple recommend a credit reference?
*When your ward basketball team plays, is it similar to the L.A. riots?
*Do you have an uncontrollable urge to arrive at meetings 5 minutes late?
*Did you meet your spouse at BYU or on "Your Mission."
*Can you make a Jell-O fruit salad without a recipe?
*Do you bring cola home from the store in a brown paper bag?
*Do your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday?
*Do you negotiate prices at a garage sale?
*Do you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football?
*Do you think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party?
*Do your kids think Jell-O is a major food group?
*When you pick someone up at the airport, do you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and have a family reunion at the gate?
*Do you have a "Quiet Book" as part of your library?
*Are you embarrassed if any of your children are more than two years apart in age?
*Do you say "Gawl", "Heck", or "Fetch" more than once a day?
*Do you travel on Morris Air Service at least once a year?
*Do you think "Ignernt" means rude?
*Does it take more than one car to get all your kids over to Grandma's house?
*Does your 2 year supply of food include more than 40 pounds of candy?
*Do you keep a supply of butcher paper on hand to make large "Welcome Home" banners?
*Do you refuse coffee but accept all offers of Excedrin?
*Do you think it is more prestigious to go to BYU than Harvard?
*Do you have relatives in California doing everything they can to "Move Back"?
*Do you shop for wedding gifts at D.I?
*Has anybody in your family ever taken Cheerios in a sandwich bag or Tupperware dish to church?
*Have you ever made a major purchase at D.I (Couches, appliances, electronics)?

*If you've ever passed a rumor about a major celebrity appearing on a major talk show wearing a CTR ring and announcing that he has joined the Mormon church. (Steve Martin in 1996, Harrison Ford in 1993, Jack Klugman in 1988, Woody Allen in 1982)
*If you still believe that rumor.

*If, during the NBA finals in 1997, you felt guilty when the TV announcer said that Larry Miller was not watching the game because of religious beliefs.
*If you shut the TV off.
*If you felt better when Larry Miller showed up after all.

*If you were shocked to find out that the 24th of July was not a national holiday.