Tuesday, March 13, 2012

This and That

Elisabeth who has a profound love of animals just went to her first horseback riding class yesterday.  This girl lives and breathes animals in everything she does.  She reads about them incessantly, she pretends she is one everyday, she can't get enough stuffed animals, and every drawing she ever does is of animals.  It was a beautiful thing watching her in her element yesterday.


Elisabeth and "Taffy"

She learned how to make the horse trot as well as lots of other commands.

She learned how to groom the horse.


Isn't her teacher FABULOUS?!  (If you know what I mean)  His other job is as a makeup artist
and professional ballet-man.  What do you call male ballerinas??  He was incredible with Elisabeth.

My new Easter display using my old stuff in a new way.

Making leprechaun traps

They refused to just make one, so they are each making their very own trap.

It was Elisabeth's turn for a date with me.  She chose to go out to lunch at Wingers and then to Boondocks.  Probably my favorite moments with my kids are these one on one dates.

Boondocks winnings


Wingers with E.
 Summer in March?  I guess it felt like that to my kids!  Saturday, they made picnic lunches, filled up the pool and ran around in swimsuits all day.  What fun and CRAZY kids I have!

Apparently, 52 degrees is swimsuit weather here

And pool weather

Catching some rays


Friday, March 9, 2012

A Bad Dream, and a little bit of re-learning

I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night the other night because I dreamt that Christian had gone off to college and was subsisting mainly on frozen and processed foods because I didn't teach him to make more difficult things.  The horror!  The horror!  He knows how to bake things like cookies, brownies, cakes, etc., but as far as more complicated recipes, I have been slightly neglectful in teaching him.  So I recommitted myself to making sure that my kids can cook well, and have determined that they will be in charge of making dinners more often.  This week was Christian's week, next week is Madison's week, and Hunter starts cooking classes at our local high school next week.  They get to pick the menu for the night, and I buy the ingredients.  Christian made Sweet and Sour Chicken with sticky rice and a cauliflower cheese bake side dish.  He did awesome!




Things I've re-learned lately:

Busier isn't better.  Sometimes you can't help but be busy, but a lack of being busy does not equate to laziness or not living a meaningful life.  Sometimes, less really is more.

Sometimes you have to give yourself what no one else can, or will.  It would be nice if our friends and family could magically give us everything we emotionally or physically desire, but sometimes they honestly can't or simply won't.  And in that case, it's important to find a way to give that to yourself.

Braces hurt!  I got braces on again a couple of days ago, and boy am I in pain!

The importance of regularly carving out quiet time for yourself.  It really is near impossible to do any sort of soul searching or personal evaluation if your home is always chaotic and loud.  Instead of running my much needed-to-be-done errands today, I exercised and then came home to a quiet, albeit messy, house.  I just sat in the silence for 15 minutes or so and was just still.  It was actually very profound.  And then I got up and cleaned the house.

What a wonderful husband I have.  I had a bad cold this week and so on Monday for family night, Robert banished me to my room to rest (I took a bubble bath instead) while he and the kids folded 7 loads of laundry.  So incredibly thoughtful and sweet!

The importance of verbalizing things to your children instead of just assuming they know.  This includes everything from saying "I love you", sharing your feelings about faith with them, asking them about their thoughts on specific issues, and of course talking to them about sex, just to name a few.  I have had all of these conversations with different children of mine in just the past week.

Religiosity does not equate to spirituality.  This has been a problem in my life for quite a while.  I really need to set aside time for things that help build my spirituality instead of simply participating in things through my church that keep me busy (even though they are still good things).

Robert and I are taking a trip to NYC next week with friends.  I love to travel, but the stress of getting the house and kids ready before we leave ALMOST makes it not worth it.  And then of course I worry about them the whole time we are gone, but I don't know why because it is truly scary just how well they do without me being there.

The complexities of balancing different children's strengths and weaknesses without making them feel better than, or less than their siblings.

Always preserve the relationship with your child over your need to control them.  Even if/when they make poor choices, the relationship that you have preserved with them over your need of being "right" over the years will be one of the only things that can bring them back from those poor choices.  A woman in my ward that I walk with shared this wisdom with me, and I really think it is true and important.

There are lots of different ways to be a happy, healthy, super fantastic family; you don't need to model your family after someone else's version of what you think your family should be like.  I learned this as I watched my friend send her oldest off on a mission this past week.  They are a family full of strong opinions and emotions, often fighting passionately, but they are also extremely close knit and seem to have strong testimonies, respect, and love for each other.  This reminds me of something similar that I think a lot about and that is, that in all things, there are many, many different ways of living a good life and doing things the "right" way.   Your own inner voice should be the strongest determinant in deciding the best ways to proceed in living a happy and good life.

Oh, and here is one of my favorite pics I've taken recently:








Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Outliers

I just recently finished reading the book, Outliers:  The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell and loved it.  Basically, he takes the reader through several scenarios of people and cultures that have had great success, and concludes that their success is not a product of "genius" but that they are products of history and community, of opportunity and legacy.  "Their success is not exceptional or mysterious, but grounded in a web of advantages and inheritances, some deserved, some not, some earned, some just plain lucky--but all critical to making them who they are."  Extraordinary achievement is less about talent than it is about opportunity.
    Here are some of the things we normally don't think about that greatly influence what we call "success."

*The 10,000 hour rule    The magic number for true expertise or greatness has been found to be 10,000 hours of practice.   In fact, no research has yet found a case in which true world-class expertise was accomplished in less time.  This includes the likes of Mozart, the legendary Bobby Fischer, Bill Gates, and the Beatles, as well as many other famously successful people.  The studies he used said that there really are no such things as "naturals" at anything; they simply work much, MUCH harder than everyone else.

*The Matthew Effect     He states among his research that "It is those who are already successful who are most likely to be given the kinds of special opportunities that lead to further success.  It's the rich who get the biggest tax breaks.  It's the best students who get the best teaching and most attention.  And it's the biggest boys (because of birthdate cut-off dates) who normally get the most coaching and practice.  This last one was especially interesting because if you look at who excels at sports, it's almost always those who because of the cut-off date of age for being on a team are the ones who are the older, and therefore the biggest.  He then states, "We overlook just how large a role we all play--and by we, I mean society--in determining who makes it and who doesn't."

*Intelligence has a threshold, meaning that once a person is determined to have a high IQ, an even higher IQ is of no consequence.  It's like saying if being 6 foot 8 inches helps a basketball player be good, a 7  foot basketball player isn't necessarily better.  In fact, much research has found that intellect and achievement are far from perfectly correlated.  Hmmmm.  I should send this info on to those "experts" who were wrong in their evaluation of Elisabeth.

*The importance of "practical intelligence" includes things like knowing what to say to whom, knowing when to say it, and knowing how to say it for maximum effect.  The presence of general intelligence doesn't necessarily imply the presence of practical intelligence.  FAMILIES, and more notably wealthy families are much more likely to raise children who have practical intelligence.  They also seem to learn a healthy sense of entitlement meaning they act like they have the right to pursue their own individual preferences and can actively manage interactions in institutional settings.

*Successful people don't do it alone.  Where they come from matters.  They're products of particular places and environments.    This made me think about the pursuing of the "American dream" and how the research points to how people in certain demographics, income brackets, certain family dynamics, etc. are so much less or more likely to succeed than others.  The so-called American dream is definitely NOT a level playing field.

*How dramatically culture and ethnicity affects one's chances for success.  Each of us has his or her own distinct personality.  But overlaid on top of that are tendencies and assumptions and reflexes handed down to us by the history of the community we grew up in, and those differences are extraordinarily specific.  For example, attitudes toward hierarchy, individual collectivism (which is how much individuals are expected to look after themselves), and can less powerful members of organizations speak up to authority.

*The Chinese are good at math because, in a nut shell, they have been raised with the "rice paddy" mentality throughout generations.  People who grow rice have always worked harder than almost any other kind of farmer.  The book goes into great detail showing the intricacies of rice farming and why it is so much harder than other kinds of farming.  Working really hard is what successful people do, and the genius of the culture formed in the rice paddies is that hard work gave those in the fields a way to find meaning in the midst of great uncertainty and poverty.  That lesson has served Asians well in many things, but especially in the instance of math.  In general, Asians have been ingrained through time to work harder, longer, and with more persistence than their American counterparts.  They are not smarter than us, they are more patient and willing to put in the hard work to succeed at something that is very hard.

*The last thing I learned from this book was about the KIPP Academy in the slums of NYC which is an experimental public school in which they have adopted the Asian way of educating and have thus become one of the top academic schools in the nation.  They take in students beginning 7th grade by lottery where 84% are performing below grade level, and by the end of 8th grade, 84% are performing at or above grade level.  Now that is some sobering information because it means that we, as a nation, are failing these children because given the opportunity apparently, they could all (or most) be successful.  Aiding in an individual's success, only serves to make us as a nation stronger.   "Asian" educating means longer school days (8-5pm), Saturday school (8-1), school through the summer (8-2pm), incentive and reward systems to keep them motivated, and teachers that are expected to always be accessible to the students.  In the US, school is 180 days per year.  In Japan, it is 243 days per year, and the days are longer.  No wonder they are out-testing us in every area.

The conclusion?  Success follows a predictable course.  It is not the brightest who succeed.  Outliers have been given opportunities and have the strength and presence of mind to seize them.  They are born at the right time with the right parents and the right ethnicity.  The author suggests that to build a better world we need to replace the patchwork of lucky breaks and arbitrary advantages with a society that provides opportunities for all.  I'm not sure I completely agree with his conclusion (although maybe I do), but this book has made me think differently about the idea of success, and those who succeed.  Sometimes someone just needs a chance.

Monday, March 5, 2012

My Baby is 5

Touched by an Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free
.”

Maya Angelou

Today is a surreal milestone for me.  I don't know why having my youngest turn 5 feels like the equivalent of what turning 50 must be like.  But what I do know is that my children have indeed taught me that "love costs all we are and will ever be.  Yet it is only love which sets us free."  Happy 5th Birthday to my Ashton Joseph Brinkman Flynn.

Welcome to the world, little one!

Meeting little brother
Little Bear

My oldest and youngest peanut

Eyes like junior mints


Snagglepuss

Ashton turns 1
Double chins and absolute glee
Ashton turns 2




Ashton turns 3
Love those eyes
Ashton turns 4
Opening his present from Zach 

At the Kangaroo Zoo with best buddy Zach 

Spiderman cake!

Age 5










Thursday, March 1, 2012

Righting Past Wrongs

There are two public statements which the LDS church has made recently which have made me proud. The first was in response to the Jewish church's statement after finding out that in spite of promises made by LDS church authorities, baptisms of Holocaust victims were still being done: "We are outraged that such insensitive actions continue in the Mormon temples," said Rabbi Abraham Cooper, associate dean of the Simon Wiesenthal Center and one of the Jewish representatives who participated in the Mormon/Jewish discussions of the matter. "Such actions make a mockery of the many meetings with the top leadership of the Mormon church dating back to 1995 that focused on the unwanted and unwarranted posthumous baptisms of Jewish victims of the Nazi Holocaust." The actions of a few rogue members of the LDS church, unfortunately was broadcast nationwide at a time when the church is very much at the forefront because of Presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Their actions are NOT representative of me or the majority of the LDS church and the record needed to be set straight in a very public manner.  This was their statement to the media: "We sincerely regret that the actions of an individual member of the church led to the inappropriate submission of these names," church spokesman Scott Trotter said. "These submissions were clearly against the policy of the church. We consider this a serious breach of our protocol and we have suspended indefinitely this person's ability to access our genealogy records."

The next recent statement was made after a BYU professor named Randy Bott who wrote an article for the Washington Post regarding why blacks were banned from the priesthood until 1976.  Bott pointed to Mormon scriptures that indicate descendants of the biblical Cain — who killed his brother Abel and was “cursed” by God — were black and subsequently barred from the priesthood. He also noted that past LDS leaders suggested blacks were less valiant in the sphere known in Mormon theology as the “premortal existence.”  The longtime religion professor at BYU further argued that blacks were not ready for the Mormon priesthood, Post reporter Jason Horowitz wrote, “like a young child prematurely asking for the keys to her father’s car.”  It was incredibly offensive on many levels and quickly set off a firestorm of commentators.  Once again, one ill-informed, and in this case racist, individual proceeds to damage the church's reputation when he chooses to seemingly speak for a church that is already very much in a critical spotlight.  The church responded succinctly with this statement:  Bott's comments, the church said, “absolutely do not represent the teachings and doctrines of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”  It went on to say that “the church’s position is clear — we believe all people are God’s children and are equal in his eyes and in the church. We do not tolerate racism in any form.”  As to the question of the now-discarded ban on blacks in the priesthood, the church said: “It is not known precisely why, how, or when this restriction began but what is clear is that it ended decades ago.”  


Now, we as a church need to go one step further.  We need to attempt to right a wrong that was made in our history by admitting it was indeed wrong.

Even if we express gratitude that the practice changed, if we are unwilling to admit that it changed precisely because it was wrong, that it was an evil made good, an error corrected, a wrong righted, then our gratitude itself still subtly accepts and upholds a fundamentally racist view of the world. It says “it’s totally okay to withhold temple covenants and sealings on the basis of race, but thank goodness we aren’t doing that right now.”

So, yes, I’m saying that an unwillingness to call the former policy racist and, therefore, wrong, unjustified, harmful, un-Christian, and indefensibly regrettable is, however subtly, still fundamentally racist. The priesthood/temple ban is, at present, not just a symptom of a racist past. It is a thorn in the side, an unhealed open wound on the body of a still racist present. And the sooner we can collectively realize that our unwillingness to fully condemn the racism of our past preserves a deep nucleus of that past racism in our present, the sooner we can actually experience the full power of repentance.  I am saying that similar to the United States posthumously apologizing for the atrocities committed upon the Native Americans, the Chinese, and just about every other minority that exists, I believe the LDS church should do the same.  


This is based upon certain aspects of my belief system:

*The church does not need to exist in a vacuum of perfection.  It can still be the "true church" and admit to mistakes made, current or in the past.  I will never understand why this belief is so blasphemous to some individuals.

*I can no longer pretend that it's "faith" that keeps me quiet on certain aspects of church history.  This insistence on staying mum on such issues, perpetuates what I believe to be decisions based in racism as well as the black eye that is on the church because of these things.  I refuse to believe that "it was God's fault" in essence that we had a racist stance against blacks.

*I don't believe that blacks not having the priesthood was a revelation.  I believe it was a symptom of the cultural beliefs of that time, which is understandable, but still wrong.

I found this quote on one of my favorite LDS blogs (by common consent):  "God is no more responsible for forcibly eliminating the sins of a Church guided by revelation than He is for forcibly eliminating the sins of individual lives guided by revelation.  All must repent.  All must acknowledge our sins. We must grieve over the harm they have caused, in full awareness of the terrible evil of it all. The power of the atonement is not limited to individual lives.  It is the power that makes it possible for God to work His great work through the imperfect, flawed, often prideful, and always sinful individuals that make up the body of Christ. If yesterday’s embarrassment and its horrible aftermath show us anything, it is that our lack of repentance as a people and as a Church is still a major obstacle to our achieving our full divine potential. The Kingdom’s growth and, by extension, the people of the world are paying a price for our unwillingness to publicly confess our sin, which we instead hide under a cloak of un-Christian folklore and false-doctrine and proud insistence that it wasn’t our fault, it was really God’s. When you have committed a great evil, and when you persisted in committing it for an extended period and at incalculable human cost, anything short of fully acknowledging it for what it truly is, and of anguished, broken-hearted contrition for having done it is not full repentance. And without full repentance, full redemption is not possible, but instead one must continue to suffer for one’s iniquities."  Wow.  Incredibly powerful and in my estimation, incredibly true.

I am thankful to a church that is willing to speak up for itself, and proud that it has become more vocal in defending itself against false beliefs from outside the church as well as inside. I believe that going just one step further in apologizing for the wrongs of the past, would aid tremendously in healing our relationship with black members.

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Ashton-Whisperer

Today I am thankful for Hunter, my 10 year old who somehow can (almost) always calm Ashton down, reason with him and entertain him for hours to give me a break.  Hunter has become everyone's favorite sibling.  In fact, a lot of the squabbles we have in our family are based around who gets to sit by Hunter, spend time alone with Hunter, and sleep with Hunter.  Sometimes, he even gets overwhelmed and exclaims, "Why does everyone want to be with me?!  I just want some time alone!"  He has a peaceful, yet fun air about him that draws people to him as well as a LOT of patience.  It's so nice when your kids get old enough to help raise the younger ones--not that I am giving them the responsibility of raising their siblings, but that when Robert and I can't get through to one of the younger kids, it's nice to have another personality like Hunter that does it so well!

Pictures before church


Love those blue eyes!

Cute brothers




The other pictures are more handsome, but this is their real personalities.



Saturday, February 25, 2012

Things are looking up. At least for today.

Life is overwhelming.  And for me, increasingly so.  Here is how I cheered myself up yesterday.  First, I found these new "De-Motivational" sayings that lightened my heart with their irreverent sarcasm, and then I packed up my camera and went on a looooong walk--probably about 10 miles while Ashton was in preschool.  It was so therapeutic and got me ready for early out Friday with the kids, as well as everything else I am dealing with.  Life is tough, but thank goodness I still love it.

Believe in Yourself . . . Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness pays off now.

PERSEVERANCE:  The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.

PERSPECTIVE:  Less is more.  Unless you're standing next to the one with more.  Then less just looks pathetic.

COMPROMISE:  Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

ELITISM:  It's lonely at the top, bit it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.

LONELINESS:  If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone.  And yet you are alone.  So very alone.

GIVING UP:  At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.

VICTORY:  Winners never fly higher than when they're bouncing up and down on the egos of those they defeat.

PROBLEMS:  No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them.

BLAME:  The secret to success is knowing who to blame for you failures.

FAILURE:  When your best just isn't good enough.

LOSING:   If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Time heals all wounds.  But it usually leaves a pretty big scar.

When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.

CHALLENGES:  I expected times like this--but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.

MATURITY:  If you're tired of others looking down on you, then grow the hell up.

DEFEAT:  For every winner, there are dozens of losers.  Odds are, you are one of them.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

I feel much better, now that I've given up hope.

Please don't tell me to relax - it's only my tension that's holding me together.

And one of my old favorites which always brings a smile to my face:

WISHES:  When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

AND of course this one:

DESPAIR:  It's always darkest, before it goes pitch black.

Pictures from my walking adventure.  Yes indeed, God loves us through the beauty of this world.

Beautiful downtown Farmington Main St.


I would love to know the history of all those who lived in this house.
My fave picture from the day.

Everyone deserves a front porch like this.


So quaint


I found this barn hidden behind an old house.  Love it.

St. State pass over, Farmington