The Approval Seeking Trap

Every once in a while, I try to give my kids a lesson on emotional health for family night, realizing it's hard to have a strong level of spirituality without good emotional health as well. This is the one I gave them last week. (simplified of course)

Approval Seeking Behavior… If you ask me, this is where many of our challenges start. When you are too concerned with what other people think of you, you start sabotaging your life, and you start moving forward but with the breaks on.

“Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner” Lao Tzu.  I think it's important to care what others think to a small degree, but when you feel it starts to control your life and you desperately need others' approval to make any decision in your life, approval seeking has become unhealthy, almost like an addiction.

If we want to live life the way WE want to and not the way others would want us to, we need to let go of our constant need to control what other people think of us, we need to learn to let go of our approval seeking behavior.

1. You Simply Can’t Be Liked by Everybody

No matter how much you try and no matter how “nice” you are with people, you simply can’t have everybody like you for there will always be people who will continue talking about you and your “inappropriate” way of thinking, behaving, breathing, dressing, living, etc.

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” Winston Churchill

2. You Can Live a Happy Life Without “Their” Approval

You are not less or more of a person based on how many people like and approve of you. While growing up we were told that in order to be liked by others we must be nice to people and we are, but somehow we keep encountering people that don’t seem to like us. So why is that? Is there something wrong with us? Not really. Just because some people don’t like us, does not imply that there is something wrong with us, for that is not true. You are already, whole and complete and you don’t need other people’s approval in order to feel this way. How freeing is that?

“Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy.” Wayne Dyer

3. You Can’t Control What Other People Think of You

I came to the realization that we all live in different worlds, a different reality for each and every one of us, reality that was built based on our thoughts, beliefs, experiences, based on what we were taught while growing up. What I might see as being right, other people might see as being wrong, and what I might see as being beautiful other people might see as being ugly.

We all have a different perception on how life should be lived and how people should act, and instead of wasting your time thinking about what other people think and say of you, why not spend that time improving and growing yourself, knowing that: “Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.” Einstein

4. Approval Seeking Behavior is Time Consuming

It take a lot of your time, time that can be used to do the things that you really enjoy doing.

5. Approval Seeking Behavior Drains Your Energy.

Every time you spend time thinking and talking about what X or Y said about you, not only are you wasting your time, but you are also wasting your precious energy.

6. Freedom to Be Who You Want to Be

When you no longer care about what other people think of you, you start being yourself and you start behaving the way you always wanted but you couldn’t because of all the restrictions and limits you imposed on yourself. You have no idea how much freedom comes with letting go of your need to control what other people think of you. 

7. Inner Peace

We all seek peace and we all want to be happy and the moment you stop caring about what “they” think, you will find just that.

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” Peace Pilgrim

8. You Are The One In Control of Your Life, Not Them!

Mind your own business and live your life, the way you want to, the way it best suits you, and let go of your approval seeking behavior.

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you’ll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” Arthur Gordon

9. The ONLY Person You Must Get Approval From Is YOU!
 “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung

You get to a point where you know them talking about you has little or nothing to do with how you think, act, live, etc., but a lot to do with how they think, and how they perceive reality. A lot of times, what we can’t accept in others are the things we haven’t accepted in ourselves, whether we are consciously aware of this truth or not.

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself as someone who needs to judge.”Wayne Dyer

And below are some pictures of my beautiful girls that I realized I had never posted.  Love these girls!!

Busy July

July has been so fun-packed, I am very much enjoying the lazy days we have planned for the rest of the month!  Madison and Hunter had 3 weeks of Theater Camp at the University of Utah which culminated in a play at Kingsbury Hall.  They were so so good and we were very proud of them!

Hunter, the King

Madison, the Queen

Madison giving orders

After the play, in front of Kingsbury Hall

Craft day at our house.  Notice Ashton and his Phantom of the Opera mask.  He wears it every day, all day.

Madison's art project:  A magnetic calendar for her room.

Hunter making homemade lasagna all by himself!

Good Job, Hunts!

 Okay, I know I haven't said much about our family trip to Kauai.  This is partially because I don't want to bore people with the many details of our trip, but suffice it to say, it was an absolute dream come true (besides me spending half the trip getting over severe food poisoning) for Robert and I to take our kids there.  We only have 2 more years with Christian in our home and are trying to take every opportunity we have to make amazing memories, and while I realize you don't have to go to Kauai to do this, we did.  And we loved it.  I will refrain from posting a ton of pictures.

The incomparable Napali Coast line

Our hike to Queen's Bath

Napali Coast

All 5 kids playing in the waves.

Christian and Robert enjoyed being beaten by 12-15 foot waves at this beach!

On our hike to Secret Beach

Our kayaking trek to Secret Falls

Sea Lodge Beach, handsome Christian

Lots and lots of hiking.  I love the absolute glee I captured of Elisabeth in this picture.

Cutest buns ever.

Ashton, one cool dude.  He was quite the snorkeler!

Tunnels Beach

Queens Bath (I think Robert took this pic)

Queens Bath

Ashton was the best behaved he has ever been on a trip.  We bribed him with his own shave ice to be good on this hike.

Madison, boogy boarding

Another gorgeous hike

And that's me "refraining" from lots of pictures.

Tell me the stories of Jesus

My 7 year old daughter inquired the other day, "Are people who wear bikinis bad people, Mama?  How about people who drink coffee?"  While I have always tended towards the more modest end of the spectrum, and therefore my children follow, I have never said this or taught this to any of my children and certainly don't think that people who wear bikinis, drink coffee, drink alcohol, have tattoos, etc. are innately "bad", and if anything are some of the best people I know.  It seems lately, like my children are asking more and more questions like this and it leaves me to believe that they are being heavily, and unavoidably influenced by a culture that I wrestle with constantly.  It may also be, that they have drawn inaccurate conclusions based upon things I have or haven't said and I acknowledge my part in that.  Nonetheless, my desire is to change their negative perception of people based on little to no information, and to realize that although we have our own family standards, we should always strive to find the good in people and allow others the dignity of their own beliefs.  If I were to display in pictures how politics, religion, and culture in general feel to me right now, it would be this:

OR THIS:

And it makes me concerned that my children are learning too much how to point the finger, and not enough about Christ and His teachings.  I expressed this to Robert and we decided that for the next several months, our Family Nights will center on just that:  the teachings of Jesus Christ from the New Testament.  It has been the most refreshing, spiritual, and uplifting experience hearing again of the miracles that Jesus performed during His life, and I have been able once again to feel a sense of spirituality, instead of simply religiosity (and those two things are quite different).  A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the "Sinner" woman who washed Jesus' feet:

Luke 7:

37 And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,

38 And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.

39 Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.

44 And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.

45 Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.

46 My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.

47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

48 And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.

There is nothing more beautiful and touching than talking with your children about Jesus and the many miracles He performed during His life.  It can be easy to get sidetracked onto less significant things that end up consuming our lives and views of other people.  We may also mistakenly start to use these things as yard sticks of others' righteousness when they pale in comparison to the loftier attributes of compassion, empathy, and understanding.  And while children need to learn discernment and the ability to judge in order to protect themselves, oftentimes, I feel we inadvertantly teach them to judge much more harshly than they should or is necessary for their "protection".  Did Jesus point His finger at the sinner and say, "Oh my gosh!  I can't believe what this woman did!"  and then talk about it incessantly to all those around Him? No.  Did He shield himself from the Sinner because He was too good for her, or in order to punish her?  No.  He simply forgave her because "she loved much."  How I love hearing the stories of Jesus again.

A Most Unexpected Lesson

Life is stressful, even when everything is "normal" and there are no glaring issues of trial or discontent. As my kids mature, I am noticing that I am able to have more free time to pursue things I enjoy, but when I am at home, I have less personal space.  It's not like when they are little and you and your spouse can have a full conversation on whatever topic you choose and the children may interrupt, but they are completely oblivious to what you are talking about, or you can tell them to please leave the room.  Things have also changed because instead of doing things for them, like taking them to the zoo or the park, they want to do things more with us such as participating in conversations, or doing our hobbies with us, usually taking note of our every move.   Yes, my every weakness, bad moment, bad word, etc. is broadcast, magnified, noticed, and often commented on now by most of my children.  It feels like private moments at home between Robert and I are few and far between and consistently dwindling even from that.  We just got back from a week long trip to Kauai, which was a dream come true for me, but also somewhat stressful being around each other for 8 whole days with NO break.  At one point, I kind of felt like the dynamic of family togetherness was really turning Robert and I against each other, or should I just say it in more plain terms:  We were bugging the crap out of each other! Everything that came out of his mouth I thought, "Is he for real?!"  And I am sure the feeling was mutual.  HAHAHA!  So brutal, but so true.  When we got home, we both laid lifeless in our beds, not speaking, thankfully not touching, zoning out to a missed episode of "The Bachelorette" and the thought crossed my mind, "I guess this is what life has come to for us.  We're just like everybody else now"…  And then I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and on the floor I saw this:

"OHHHH NOOOOO!"  I screeched, jolting both me and Robert out of our much needed boredom.  A faint memory of Ashton being in the bathroom "brushing his teeth" for an exorbitant amount of time flashed from my subconscious into my conscious mind.  Robert was up now too, and we ran upstairs to assess the damage.

And what did we do??   We laughed so hard we were ROLLING on the floor holding our stomachs as Ashton took in the scene with disbelief.  It was like being in the shower, letting all of the water pour down on you, washing all of our small frustrations, and annoyances from the week go down the drain.  And suddenly we were US again, lovely US.  And I guess that's what a marriage is all about; sometimes you can't stand each other, but you always love each other because there will always be that moment that reminds you why you fell in love, and why you continue to choose that person every day for the rest of your lives.

And then we buzzed the rest of Ashton's hair off together while he cried.

My little baldy

Me and my Robert

I will always choose him.