Thursday, May 31, 2012

Scrumptious Food For Thought

I just finished reading the book, "As A Man Thinketh" by James Allen along with watching a documentary entitled, "The Quantum Activist" which is the thoughts of a famous quantum physicist named Amit Goswami who attempts to bridge the gap between God and Science using the tenants of quantum physics.  (talk about a major brain twister!)  They both have me thinking about the incredible power the mind and spirit have over the quality and state of our lives.  Not everything I agree with in the book, but definitely both have given me some oh-so-yummy food for thought, which is one of my very best-loved things in life.  Learning to control our thoughts is much more strenuous than learning to control our bodies.  Here are some quotes from the book.

“The outer conditions of a person's life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state… Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.” 

"The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears. It reaches the height of its cherished aspirations. It falls to the level of its unchastened desires - and circumstances are the means by which the soul receives its own." --a favorite of mine

"We are made or unmade by ourselves.  By our thoughts, we forge the weapons by which we can destroy ourselves.  Likewise, we also fashion the tools with which we build for ourselves heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace."

“A man only begins to be a man when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life.  And he adapts his mind to that regulating factor, he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition, and builds himself up in strong and noble thoughts; ceases to kick against circumstances, but begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of the hidden powers and possibilities within himself.”

“As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains.”

“A man becomes calm in the measure that he understands himself as a thought-evolved being. For such knowledge necessitates the understanding of others as the result of thought, and as he develops a right understanding, and sees ever more clearly the internal relations of things by the action of cause and effect, he ceases to fuss, fume, worry, and grieve.  He remains poised, steadfast, serene.”

“They who have no central purpose in their life fall an easy prey to petty worries, fears, troubles, and self-pitying, all of which are indications of weakness, which lead, just as surely as deliberately planned sins (though by a different route), to failure, unhappiness, and loss, for weakness cannot persist in a power evolving universe.”

"We think in secret, and it comes to pass. Our environment is but our looking glass."  --love this one.

"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound."

"As the smallest drop of water detached from the ocean contains all the qualities of the ocean, so man, detached in consciousness from the Infinite, contains within him its likeness; and as the drop of water must, by the law of its nature, ultimately find its way back to the ocean and lose itself in its silent depths, so must man, by the unfailing law of his nature, at last return to his source, and lose himself in the great ocean of the Infinite."

"Our life is what our thoughts make it. A man will find that as he alters his thoughts toward things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him."

"Where faith is there is courage, there is fortitude, there is steadfastness and strength. . . . Faith bestows that sublime courage that rises superior to the troubles and disappointments of life, that acknowledges no defeat except as a step to victory; that is strong to endure, patient to wait, and energetic to struggle. . . . Light up, then, the lamp of faith in your heart. . . . It will lead you safely through the mists of doubt and the black darkness of despair; along the narrow, thorny ways of sickness and sorrow, and over the treacherous places of temptation and uncertainty."

"Not what he wishes and prays for does a man get, but what he justly earns. His wishes and prayers are only gratified and answered when they harmonize with his thoughts and prayers."  

Monday, May 28, 2012

Simplistic sayings that drive me NUTS

There are a few simplistic sayings that drive me absolutely NUTS, and so I thought I would write about them. ( I am hoping not to offend anyone by my take on things).

"It'll all work out in the hereafter."  Oh just stop it!  No one could possibly know this and anyone that says this is really saying in code, "I don't want to think about it," or "I think I'll procrastinate the emotional distress of having to deal with that until the next life" or my personal favorite, "It's not me actually going through whatever it is I am commenting on, so I am sure it will all work out for YOU in the hereafter, meanwhile, BOY am I glad I don't have to deal with that!"  What we should really be saying instead of lying to ourselves and each other is I DON'T KNOW.

People quoting Jesus as saying, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."  I realize that this saying can be very soothing in times of trial, but I don't like people making up quotes that God says.  It leads to a misguided view of who God really is, and perpetuates the idea that EVERYTHING difficult we go through is worth it, when maybe it just isn't.  We HOPE it is worth it, and have FAITH that it is all worth it, but I do not think that God or Jesus actually said this, although I wish they would.

Everything happens for a reason.  I could go on and on about this one.  Really?  The holocaust happened for a reason?  Millions of people are starving for a reason?  People are raped, kidnapped, and abused for a reason?  People can perhaps find solace in their suffering by choosing how they respond to their trials but I don't believe everything that happens to us was meant to happen.  We can make the most out of what we go through and perhaps find purpose in our lives by choosing to grow from a hardship, but I reject the notion that everything happens for a reason.  It is most offensive when this phrase is used by a person not actually going through the specific trial, to a person that is.  Or on second thought, maybe everything does happen for a reason, but the reason is because of stupidity on the part of another, or because of natural laws of living in an imperfect world, not because of some mystical or spiritual reason.  Some things may happen for a specific purpose, but it is probably only for the actual person going through the trial to determine this and is certainly the exception and not the rule. (in my opinion)

"God doesn't make mistakes."  What do people mean when they say this?!  There is a never ending array of maladies, physical, mental, and emotional that people are born with.  God allows all of this to happen, which I don't think necessarily means He wanted it to happen or didn't want it to happen.  They are for the most part errors in the formation of the body with it's complex makeup of hormones, chemicals, and processes.  Of course He is aware of all of this, but most of the time, He doesn't step in to prevent things from happening.  The opposite point of view is not true either; that everything that happens is God orchestrating it from heaven.  I know a lady who says that everyday when simple things happen to her like sitting at a traffic light for a long time, or forgetting something she was supposed to do, is all God trying to teach her something.  While I admire her energy in thinking that everything that happens to her, even the most minute occurrence, has a direct meaning from God, I just cannot accept this as my own perspective.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle.   I think the scripture that this is mistakenly taken from is  found in Alma 13:28-- "But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord . . . that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear . . . "  I don't think it says anywhere in the scriptures that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, because I know lots of people that are given waaaay more than they can handle and it has led to drug addiction, attempted suicide, bouts of deep depression, and visits to the psych ward--all good people who pray for strength.  Sometimes our trials are compounded by the poor choices of others, or because of our own poor choices.  No need to blame either of these on God choosing to give us trials.

All things we persist in doing, get easier.  The things that I really struggle with like public speaking for example, NEVER EVER get easier no matter how much I force myself to do them.  It simply isn't true for me, and I get tired of hearing that this is true in all cases.

On another note, I was in someone's house recently and saw this picture of Jesus displayed on their wall.  I just about died.  I didn't know whether to laugh or be absolutely horrified.  Now I know that everyone has a different view on the nature of Jesus, but open-mouth laughing hysterically with huge, white, orthodontically corrected teeth Jesus?!  No thank you.  And I am sorry if any of my readers have this picture in their own homes and love it.  ;)








Sunday, May 20, 2012

The part of me that cares

Being a mother of 5, in order to maintain harmony in my home, I have made the decision to stuff the part of me that cares about clutter and filth into a remote part of my psyche.  Yes, it is still there, waiting to be summoned again when the kids start leaving home, but most of the time, it is forced under lock and key so that I don't go insane and yell and scream at them all day everyday, because believe me, I really could if I let myself.  Every once in a while though, I can feel the part of me that cares, welling up inside me, inching ever so inconspicuously to the forefront when it sees things like this:

Many, many corners of my house look like this.

The inside of a certain child's door, colored with paint chips from
throwing toys at it during temper tantrums.

The same certain child's wall after a particularly bad temper tantrum.

My kitchen on a Monday morning.  

Typical laundry room mess.
It reminded me of this t-shirt that my sister Kristen used to have that said this:


HAHAHA!  Now I don't really mean that my kids have killed the part of me that cares, but just that to maintain a home that is enjoyable and inviting to be in, I have to choose to value the peace, over the tension of always having it clean.

Sometimes, I see all these things at once--the damage to the house, the sticky floors, the clutter, etc. and I start to feel frantic.  It's not that we don't clean, because anyone that knows us well, knows we make our kids WORK.  It's just that the nature of the amount of people that live in our home and that I try to see each moment as a teaching moment, not a mom-losing-it type of moment, leads to our house looking like this.  Our house is really clean all day Saturday, but by Monday morning, it looks like a tornado hit it.  When I start to feel desperate, like I might blow any minute, I either clean it, have the kids clean it, or just sit there overwhelmed and do nothing.  This time however, I thought, "Since the rest of the house is destroyed, I'll do a house project and maybe that will make me feel better!"  So I decided to paint Christian's and Madison's bedrooms.

In Christian's room, we painted a chalkboard wall so he could do artwork and
have fun with it.


This is how I found it today--with some sort of giant equation on it.
Madison wanted a beach room and wanted it bright TEAL.  I am sure it will have
to be repainted sooner than later, but for now it is totally her and she loves it.

So I guess painting the kids' rooms, temporarily satisfied that stifled part of me that cares about my beautiful house . . . for now.

On a different note, here is a picture of me and my 5 precious peanuts on Mother's Day:



And here is a picture of me and my sister Kristen at our recent bike race.  I wish I had one with my Dad in it too, dang it!

And here is a picture of Christian that his friends posted to facebook of him getting ready to dissect a pig fetus, ewwww!  Of course his group was all girls . . .


And lastly, a note I found on Christian's bed from Madison on his birthday.  Sooo sweet!  So nice to know they like each other!





Friday, May 11, 2012

Where it all started

For whatever reason, the closer it got to the kids coming home from school, the more the walls began to close in on me.  Space.  I need space, I thought.  I just can't deal with the myriad of papers shoved at me, the incessant questions, all asked urgently with no one waiting their turn to speak, the messes, the homework, dinner, the noise, the droves of needs and requests.  All of this is normal on most days, and at times somewhat endearing, but not today.  I waited it out as long as I could to come up for breath, thinking the sensation would eventually subside, but when two of the kids started fighting literally seconds after they walked in the door, I had to get out.  I quickly told the kids, "I have to run some errands.  I'll be back in a few hours."  And then I sat in the car by myself wondering, "Where should I go?  I have no where to go."  Then instinctively, I knew where even though I didn't know why.  First I drove to Robert's old house on Woodland Hills Circle.  That's where it all started with me and Robert.  I sat there in my car, stalker-like, except I was really only stalking my younger self.  It felt like that at any minute the younger version of me would come around the corner from the back of the house and that I would bump into her.  I felt transported into some sort of time limbo.  How I wish I could have bumped into her!  I would have so much to tell her.  Or maybe it would be kinder to allow younger me to continue in bliss and not ruin it.  If I bumped into her, I thought, I would be incredibly envious of her and her life of simplicity.  I let it all flow.  The memories, I mean.  Playing night games on the trampoline with Robert's many younger siblings, the treehouse that we used to have picnics in, the raucous family dinners with his 8 siblings where everyone yelled over each other in order to be heard, the long conversations into the wee hours in the morning when my parents were out of town, about everything, nothing off limits.  All of the kisses that always felt like the very first one, stolen when we thought no one was watching.  I loved the carefree nature and loud chaos of being at his house.  He of course loved my house because of it's structure and lack of commotion, my dad's sage advice, and little Krissy who was always there.  There was always laughter and games and excitement there at the Woodland Hills home.  Everyday felt like Christmas with Robert, and often sleep felt like such a burden in our romance story.  Next, I drove to our high school; Bountiful High School.  Memories there were a little more of a motley mix for me.  I could see myself walking to the PE building to run laps, parking in the parking lot to attend a football game, looking out the upstairs window during Spanish class at the blossoming trees, counting down the minutes until the bell would ring for school to end.  There was always the worrying about the next test and next report due, wishing away life wastefully because there was so much more of it in front of me.  I could feel the insecurity wash over me, the new need for independence, and the excitement of possibilities. I thought to myself, "Why am I here?!"  My mind was silent in response.  And then I thought, maybe it's just to see where it all started.  I suppose maybe sometimes it's just innate to need to go back to where it all began for us, even if it wasn't all roses.  I guess where it all started was with two 17 year olds, full of hope, innocence, untethered young love, and idealism.  Daydreaming back to when it was just the two of us has become my safe place to go when life gets rocky; it's like a porthole back to me, the original me free of children, responsibility, and much expectation.  And somehow, remembering where it all began makes all of the chaos, messes, lack of space, noise, and never-ending work worth it.  It already is more than worth it on most days, but today it just helped to remember where it all started.

Monday, May 7, 2012

11 and 16

We decided to make a weekend of the 2 birthdays we had in our family.  Hunter is turning 11 and Christian is turning 16 this week (their birthdays are 2 days apart).  We went up to Heber and stayed at Zermatt and had an absolutely wonderful time.  We started out by going to see the movie the Avengers which was REALLY good.  Then we went out to lunch at Iggy's and headed up to our hotel.  When we got there, we went swimming for quite a while and then Robert went and got us some food and brought it back to our room.  The next morning, we first went to our favorite breakfast place, Grannie Annie's across the street at the Homestead Resort.  Then, we went exploring and took a really pretty hike and then went to a park where the kids played soccer.  I am constantly aware that there aren't too many more of these carefree weekends before Christian is off on his own and so I try to make the most of every opportunity we have to make it an occasion for memories.  Love love love these kids.  I just wish they would stop growing up!

Hunter, age 11

Hiking up to the crater at the Homestead Resort

Jumping beds, unfortunately encouraged by me




It always makes it more fun when Jazzy comes

View from the top of the crater

Our Sunday hike


Soccer at the park

Christian's new running shoes

That's a whole lot of candles, boys!

The faces that Hunter pulls are AWESOME.  Have you ever seen a boy more excited about a present?!


He finally got a new scooter!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A Conversation

Last week I took Madison (my 13 year old) with me to Elisabeth's horseback riding lessons.  As I sat there casually talking to her teacher Kyle about Elisabeth's progress, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Madison's green eyes grow bigger and bigger as she took Kyle's appearance in slowly from head to toe.  From the sparkly pink fingernails to his bedazzled zebra striped glasses, his immaculate faux hawk hair and fluorescent teal shirt, I could almost see the exclamation marks going off in her head.  Afterwards, I was curious at how she would verbalize what she saw so I cautiously asked her what she thought of Elisabeth's teacher.  This is how the conversation went, much to my dismay.

Me:  "I just love Elisabeth's horseback riding teacher!  He's so patient and kind to Elisabeth and he has become a good friend of mine."

Madison:  Whispering for no apparent reason and obviously horrified, "I think he might be . . . GAAAAYYY!"

Me:  "Maybe he is, and maybe he isn't.  We don't know if he is, and it really doesn't even matter because Elisabeth loves him and he's an excellent teacher.  But I am curious about what you think about gay people."

Madison:  "They're really REALLY BAD!" (still whispering emphatically even though it's just the two of us in the car)

Me:  Very sad, realizing in that moment that I had failed in teaching my daughter compassion and understanding for people that arguably have been burdened with one of the heavier plights a person could be born with, and most of all, before other sources had gotten to her.  I proceeded to re-teach her in the way that I feel is more Christ-like.

I usually pride myself in being progressive and assertive in teaching my children, but I have to admit that I really missed the boat on this one.  With the rash of recent teenage, gay mormon suicides in Utah, (http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/54018293-78/bullying-gay-jack-edmonds.html.csp) I have realized that we can't just sit in the background thinking that our child could never be part of the problem in the bullying, or standing by quietly allowing the bullying to take place, that can lead to suicide.  While I don't think that Madison would ever bully someone who was different in any way, her reaction scared me a bit because it made me think that maybe she could be one of the ones standing by and saying nothing because she views them as so evil, and thus maybe not worthy of defending.  And if she isn't actively STOPPING things like this if/when she sees them happen, she is part of the problem as well, as are all of our children.  Indeed, not doing anything is an act of condoning something.  Yes the subject of being gay is taboo and can be uncomfortable to broach with our children, especially in the Mormon religion, but that should not stop us from teaching our children to stand up for any child who is the subject of ridicule, and that children who may appear to be gay (although this is our judgment of them and we probably don't know for sure) are definitely NOT evil but some of the kindest people we have in this world.  AND they are Heavenly Father's child and deserve respect and dignity, equal to anybody else.

If you haven't seen this short clip on you tube that shows LDS parents of gay/lesbian children, I highly recommend it.    http://youtu.be/I948dOw41I8