4 Peanuts and a Cashew

The Multi-Faceted Woman

2012-01-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

Today, I read the February Visiting Teaching message. The focus was on strengthening family and home. Again. Yes, I know this one inside out and upside down. I’m told I must “guard my hearth” against the evils of the big bad world. Sigh. Yes. I know. Sister Barbara Thompson speaks again of how my role is in the home and how I have a responsibility to strengthen families, regardless of how mine looks. It feels like a one note tune.

Deep breaths. I read on.

Bathsheba Smith, back row, second from the left. Deseret Hospital Board.

I appreciate the nod to history and hearing what Bathsheba W. Smith had to say 110 years ago about family, but it doesn’t escape my notice there is no mention of Sister Smith’s opinions outside of what I should be doing around my hearth. The quotes included in the bland message neglect something important- something that might be missing and leaving Visiting Teaching such a dry, dusty husk of what it could be…

There is no mention whatsoever that Bathsheba W. Smith was a leading suffragette in the west, fighting vocally for women to have the vote. She was on the board of directors for a major hospital and she was the matron of the Salt Lake Temple. Bathsheba Smith, in addition to being the General Relief Society president, was a diarist and an artist, and she drew the quite famous pencil portrait of Joseph Smith Jr. in profile. I daresay she was busy doing things besides simply watching her hearth. I like to think she might encourage me to do so as well. How INFINITELY more compelling and interesting it would be to hear more things like this about the early women in the church! That’s the kind of Visiting Teaching message I want to hear, and message in general when I am listening to conference.

I found this thought on the blog "Feminist Mormon Housewives": "Maybe if women were encouraged to do something besides watch the babies, watch the hearth, watch the bad world out our window, maybe visiting each other would become less of a chore, and more of a way to connect and work with each other. Maybe not. But reading the messages would sure be a lot more interesting, and it would help me feel my church sees me as something besides and one-dimensional pot-watcher and baby-maker. My foremothers certainly did."

This totally could have been me who wrote said this, which is maybe why I liked it so much. I feel such a huge disconnect when I read or listen to women in the Relief Society General Presidency because I don't see myself in them; both as I am now or the person I am aiming to be. I almost feel like I am watching women speak that are from a completely different culture, and because of that, I don't know what to do with the advice I hear from them. I perceive that they feel there is a need to present a persona to us that they are always happy, always fulfilled, and all of the same mind and opinions, and therefore we should be too. While I appreciate them bending over backwards to let us know how wonderful women of the church are at each conference session, sometimes I feel placated; like I am being treated like a little child who is being patted on my precious head. I have confidence in who I am and am striving to be in my own home, and it us usually only when I attend these meetings that I feel frustrated with my "role" as a mother. I am so tired of being told what my "job" is! I look around at the women in the church that I know, both in Utah and out of Utah and they are all striving to be great mothers and already realize how important their job is. When I was younger and fought feelings of inadequacy as a mother, I was ultimately freed when I finally realized that the only time I felt this way was when I was attempting to live someone else's ideal for me, and not my own. The thing is, I truly believe that they want us as women to be multi-faceted, they just sometimes forget how important representing the whole picture of a woman is. Perhaps women in the church wouldn't struggle so much with depression, with comparing themselves to an imagined perfect woman, and feelings of inadequacy if this were the case. I myself, live a very "traditional" mormon life, and I love it. I love it because at every turn, I CHOSE it without feeling obligation or force. However, I fully acknowledge and respect the fact that my lifestyle is not for everyone. There are mothers who want (or need) to work. There are mothers who only desire to have 1 or 2 children. There are mothers who are extremely involved in community outreach programs or going to school or broadening their talents. There is a woman in my ward who loves the mechanics of fixing things, so she has her own mobile lawnmower repair business. I for one, could not imagine my life without photography, writing, learning, exercise, and time alone. However, when I read the monthly Ensign VT message, I feel like instead of a choice, the one-dimensional woman is being forced upon me as the one and only way to be. Is there room for differences? How is it even possible with all of the billions of women on the Earth with diverse needs and personalities, that we are all supposed to fit into a particular mold in order to be righteous mother's in Zion? Indeed like Bathsheba Smith (an unfortunate name), we are all different, having many interests, desires for good outside of our homes, and talents we would like to pursue. What an opportunity was missed in leaving out the things in her life that make her interesting, relatable, and admirable, at least in my eyes. THIS is why women feel shame about themselves--not because the evil world questions our worth as mothers, but because when women find they can't sustain someone else's idea of how they are supposed to be, they feel like they have failed at the one thing they hold as most important.

Snowed In and On

2012-01-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite feelings is when it's snowing outside and all 5 of my baby birds are tucked into their nests, late at night. I know it won't be many more years before they are out later with friends and off to college and missions. Last weekend was a cozy, happy weekend full of sledding, hot chocolate, snow angels, fires in the fireplace, relaxing and not much to do. And I loved it.

Me and Ashbear

The kids LOVED getting "snowed" on by the snowblower. I think Robert
enjoyed himself too!

Brothers, playing in the ice

Sledding!

Right before the snow storm

Farmington pond was frozen over

oh Jazzy.

Snowflake kissed

Right before the snow we walked along Lagoon Trail

Madison flopping stomach first onto the tramp

Handsome Hunts, in the snow

This girl is ALWAYS in motion

Snow angels!!

Love this boy

More Than Just Cleaning Toilets

2012-01-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel as a mother that you are living the same day over, and over, and over? I had been feeling like that a lot in the past several weeks until a couple of days ago. It was Saturday morning and Robert was still gone at a Young Mens campout so it was up to me to do Saturday chores with the kids. As each of the kids was picking which jobs they wanted to do, Ashton (my 4 year old) piped up "I will do all the toilets!" So we got all the cleaning supplies out and went into the first of our 4 bathrooms. As I instructed him on all the steps to successfully cleaning a toilet, I observed the absolute joy and satisfaction on his face. Never mind that he was splashing toilet water all over or missing the cleaning of other parts, because I was not going to ruin the absolute glee on his face! As I continued encouraging him and complimenting him about how smart he was and what an amazing job he was doing, I thought maybe I could actually see his little spirit grow. I was filled with tremendous feelings of duty, love, happiness, and empowerment as his mother because it wasn't just a toilet; it was a lesson in responsibility, the importance of work, being an integral part of our family, and gaining self esteem. And I was blessed to be the teacher. Although it is rare for me to feel this fulfilled when doing chores with one of my children (usually the very opposite in fact), I have always felt incredibly vital and powerful in my job as a mother to love, teach, and guide my children. How I wish every mother could know that all of the tiny, seemingly meaningless things she does each day, are actually the BIG and VITALLY important things of life. What could be more important and divine than being responsible for teaching and guiding some of Heavenly Father's children? Ever since then, I have been trying to see my daily life as more than just monotonous things that I must endure, but instead of shaping a soul, showing a child unconditional love, growing self confidence, and planting the seeds of independence. I love being a Mother.

Lead Me, Guide Me, Walk Beside Me

Mental Illness and George Albert Smith

2012-01-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

I recently ran across an article entitled “Cheat the Asylum of a Victim”: George Albert Smith’s 1909–12 Breakdown, written by Mary Jane Woodger which can be found in the Journal of Mormon History. (George Albert Smith link, go to page 113.) Although George Albert Smith lived in the years before mental illness was recognized and widely treated, it recounts his symptoms as observed by family members and his doctors that point to him experiencing many years of anxiety and depression. This year at church, you may know that we are studying the life and works of George Albert Smith. I think that the Curriculum Committee of the church missed a tremendous opportunity with the production of the manual for study this year when they failed to mention President Smith's struggles with mental illness. Most of us know someone (if not ourselves) who has struggled with mental illness. We know someone who has or have ourselves, taken anti-depressants, stimulants, or has gone through extensive counseling. It is no secret that in the past, church leaders and church members have often misunderstood mental illness. However, we live at a time when we can all safely view mental illness as a biological problem, like cancer, that needs to be treated. I think however, that many people who suffer with these issues still feel stigmatized, and some yet think that it is simply an emotional or spiritual failing. How empowering, refreshing, and hopeful that information in the manual could have been, had it been included in the study of his life. How much greater his accomplishments would be seen, at least by those who have struggled with anxiety and depression if they knew that one as great as him had struggled, yet still been an amazing prophet!

It is therefore tragic that the new manual does not mention George Albert Smith’s lifelong struggle with what appears to be some sort of chronic depression and anxiety disorder. Instead it describes his health issues and years of convalescence as strictly physical maladies (which though technically correct, obfuscates the real mental illness component of his suffering). Here is a fairly large excerpt from the article from the Journal of Mormon History.

"ON APRIL 12, 1910, DR. HEBER J. SEARS wrote briskly to his nephew: “A letter from your mother brings the sad intelligence that you are down with nervous frustration. . . . For Heaven’s sake George— ‘Side step or step backward not forward.’ Cheat the asylum of a victim. Dump your responsibility for a while before the hearse dumps your bones.” His nephew was George Albert Smith, then a forty year-old apostle who was almost totally incapacitated, physically and emotionally. But he survived to become Church president at age seventy five.

In appraising George Albert’s symptoms since 1907, Dr. Ford McBride suggests that George Albert may have experienced a panic attack or a major depression. George Albert’s “good work ethic” exposed him to additional pressures because of an apparent “personality style that lent itself to hypersensitivity,” manifest in a preoccupation with “what he ate along with a lot of pressure he seems to have felt to measure up to other’s expectations.” Although George Albert’s “physical pains” were real, they seem excessive were the diagnosis to be either thyroid or lupus. The “extreme impairment” George Albert experienced “seems to be an overreaction” to his physical maladies and symptomatic of a panic attack or depressive episode.

George Albert wrestled with both physical and emotional health issues throughout his life, but this article focuses on conditions leading to an episode of nervous exhaustion that lasted from 1909 to 1912, then describes an experience George Albert had in the spring of 1911 that changed his approach to both physical and emotional limitations. The story of his triumph over these maladies, is documented in surpris- ing detail in his correspondence and journals, much of it quoted here for the first time, and in related papers of those close to him. His story deserves telling for the hope it conveys to individuals likewise suffering from physical illnesses that often bring in their wake emotional distress and the inability to serve in Church callings despite their desire to be healed, faith manifested in seeking priesthood blessings, and earnest prayer. Although it is possible from a modern perspective to offer appropriately tentative diagnoses of the organic cause of his ailment and also his mental depression, Smith felt that prayer was his main resource in dealing with his condition. George Albert’s nervous collapse, as it was called, reached its pinnacle in February 1909, leaving him so impaired that he was unable to work or even to deliver a public address. A decade later, he recalled in a conference address, “I have been in the valley of the shadow of death in recent years, so near the other side that I am sure that for the special blessing of our Heavenly Father I could not have remained here. . . . The nearer I went to the other side, the greater was my assurance that the gospel is true.”

George Albert’s difficulties were certainly not all physically based, although mental or emotional instability was seldom given much attention except for outright insanity in the early twentieth cen- tury. Those close to George Albert Smith were aware of some emotional problems. Grandchild George Albert Smith V suggests that his grandfather struggled with depression, feeling incompetent, and being overwhelmed. There were times when “he just could not pull it all together.” Another granddaughter, Shauna Lucy Stewart Larsen, who lived in George Albert’s home for twelve years as a child, remembers that “when there was great, tremendous stress, mostly [of] an emotional kind, it took its toll and he would literally have to go to bed for several days.” Grandson Robert Murray Stewart remembers, “There were problems associated with his mental health, just maintaining control of himself.” Given what seems to be George Albert’s emotional fragility, physical illness may have been a socially acceptable way for him to retreat, rest, and regroup before tackling his responsibilities again with renewed determination. Well known for his sensitivity and compassion, he too-easily took on others’ burdens. At one point he confided to a stake president, “[Even] when things are normal my nerves are not very strong and when I see other people in sorrow and depressed I am easily affected.” One of his grandchildren observed that George Albert “took everything so much to heart”; others’ problems “became such a part of him” that when associates experienced difficulties it just “wiped him out” and he would go to bed for days at a time. Obviously his ready concern and sensitive sympathy drew those in trouble to him, which must also, at times, have been a drain on his emotional reserves.

Complicating a physical diagnosis is the mental component. Apparently debilitating fatigue without an obvious cause and depression can be traced back as far as Asael Smith, Joseph Sr.’s father, and coming forward to John, Joseph Sr.’s brother. Of course, diagnosis becomes increasingly murky and uncertain, the further back in time one goes. Clinical psychologist Ford McBride corroborates the genetic component in psychological diagnosis. While “situational depression” may be triggered by a traumatic event (such as a death or divorce), the absence of such an episode suggests “clinical depression” in which “you’ll find typically some kind of a genetic history of a mother depressed or a cousin, etc.” He stressed that a family history “is very, very pertinent” in diagnosing clinical depression. Dr. Gilmore likewise feels certain that George Albert experienced depression, although he leans toward seeing it as “secondary depression” caused by his lengthy “chronic illness” and complicated by his “frail constitution” and oversensitivity to diet."

Why did the church feel the need to leave out this very pertinent information? Perhaps they felt it would give a negative view to President Smith's life. Maybe they thought it "too controversial". Whatever the reason may be, I have found great comfort knowing this added information on his life: that he suffered from depression and anxiety as I have, and recently found out that my SECOND child has struggles with anxiety as well. George Albert Smith was able to lead an exemplary life, full of spirituality and wonderful experiences. And if he can, so can I, and so can my children.

Love & Logic Parenting

2012-01-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

Because I love learning, I have always approached parenting with an attitude of learning. Let's face it, parenting is too hard to go about it haphazardly with no goals, strategies, or plan. Great children are not raised by mistake; it takes a certain deliberateness on our part to achieve good results. And in the end, it really is about THEIR decisions that determines their happiness. Above my kitchen table, I have a scripture quote on the wall that reads, "O be wise: what can I say more?" I love this because it is the words of a parent on his deathbed pleading with his children to be wise, knowing that he has taught them everything he possibly could, and now it is up to them to choose wisdom. You can kind of tell the different trials of parenting I have gone through by looking at my bookshelves: "What To Expect: The Toddler Years", "Real Boys", "Parenting the Angry Child", "Raising Confident Girls", "Letting Go With Love and Confidence" are some of the names of books I have. The newest one I just read is called, "Parenting with Love & Logic". It mirrors my own value and belief system and gives lots of ideas of how to deal with different situations. It has been a great reinforcer and refresher course for me on what I believe is proper parenting. Here are some things I learned from reading this book.

Ineffective parenting styles:

Helicopter parents--Parents who think that love means revolving their lives around their children. They hover and then rescue their children whenever trouble arises. As soon as their children send up an SOS flare, these parents who are already hovering nearby, swoop in and shield their children from teachers, playmates, and other elements that seem hostile. While today these "loving" parents may feel they are easing their children's path into adulthood, when they leave home they find themselves unequipped for the challenges of life. Their significant learning opportunities were stolen from them in the name of love. The helicopter parent sends the message to their children that "You are fragile and can't make it without me." The irony is that helicopter parents are often viewed by others as "model" parents. This is the mom that is often spoken of on Mother's Day in sacrament meeting. She bakes like a chef, sews like a master seamstress, does her kids laundry and cleaning until they leave home and seems like she loves every minute of it. I can't stand this woman. Inwardly she is a ravening wolf, taking secret pleasure in making the rest of us look like mean or selfish mothers.

Turbo-attack parent--These parents are obsessed with the desire to create a perfect world for their children . It is a life wherein the child can be launched into adulthood with the best of credentials. They look great on paper with all of their high grades, extracurricular activities, awards, and special honors. Their mistakes are swept under the table by their parents and anyone who creates a threat to their child's impeccable credentials is blasted down mercilessly. Their child is always a "victim" in the parent's eyes when they don't succeed and the child learns to blame others for their lack of success.

Drill Sergeant parents--They feel like the more they bark and the more they control, the better their kids will be in the long run. "These kids will be disciplined", and "They will know how to act" the drill sergeant parent says. If the children don't do what they are told, this type of parent makes them do it. Kids of drill sergeant parents, when given the chance to think for themselves, often make horrendous decisions--to the complete consternation and disappointment of their parents. They end up being even more susceptible to peer pressure than most teens because as children, when the costs of mistakes were low, they were never allowed to make their own decisions but were trained to listen to a voice outside of their heads--that of their parents. When they reach the teenage years, they follow the same pattern; only this time, the voice outside their heads is their "friends". They are followers in the truest sense. The drill sergeant parent sends the message "You can't think for yourself, so I'll do it for you."

The Laissez-Faire parent--These parents who for one reason or another--whether it is because they are unsure of how to handle their child or have become confused by the variety of parenting opinions and advice out there--decide to let their children raise themselves.

It's not possible to always be on our game as parents. Sometimes parenting can just feel like a test of endurance. I think I have used all 4 of these types of parenting styles above on different occasions. But if you approach parenting with a plan, a way of viewing your job as their parent, then you are more likely to act rather than react in the heat of the moment.

Before I even knew the concept of a "love and logic" parenting strategy, I conducted myself using these methods. I firmly believe in it as the core of raising successful, happy, and independent children. I have been having several problems with a couple of children and so this book was an amazing source of suggestions of different ways to respond. It has been a good reminder of the values that I started out with, but sometimes get weary of enforcing. Here is the "love and logic" strategy in a nut shell:

As children grow, they move from being concrete thinkers to being abstract thinkers when they are teens. Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits. We set those limits based on the safety of the child and how the child's behavior affects others. As much as we can, we allow natural consequences to teach them what they need to know to be successful adults, asking them questions and offering choices instead of telling them what to do. The burden of decision is put on the children's shoulders instead of the parents. True, it is painful to watch our kids learn through natural consequences, but that pain is part of the price we must pay to raise responsible kids. Love and logic parents give their children many responsibilities, knowing that this is the only way for them to gain confidence and learn how to be responsible adults.

Here are some example situations:
--When my children leave home in 20 degree weather choosing not to wear a coat, I say nothing because I know that being cold is the best deterrent to refusing to wear a coat. When they get home and say to me, "Boy was I cold at recess today!" I respond with genuine sympathy. Period. If they want to be warm, they will wear a coat.

--Staying up late. I don't say anything to my kids when they choose to stay up late, as long as they are in their rooms and not bothering Robert and I. The consequence of being woken up for scriptures at the same time every morning regardless of what time they went to bed is enough of a lesson in staying up too late. I don't need to make this issue into a fight.

--Dinner time. Anyone who has tried to force a child to eat a dinner that they don't want to knows it never works. So for our picky eater, we say that she has to eat at the table with us although she doesn't have to eat our food. She is welcome to make herself her own dinner every night (it must be healthy). And she does. Every night, my 7 year old makes herself a peanut butter and honey sandwich for dinner. In my mind, there is absolutely no reason her pickiness should result in me having to make 2 dinners every night. With my 4 year old, we just implemented the rule that if he chooses not to eat dinner when we eat, he is choosing to go to bed hungry. At bedtime, when he is suddenly starving, we express how sad we are for him that he is so hungry, but he can eat a big breakfast in the morning. Yes there is crying involved, but I am hoping that the lesson will be learned quickly.

--Interactions between siblings and friends. I have a child that is constantly stirring up drama with siblings and friends. Sometimes these friends and siblings don't want to be around this child because of the way he/she treats them. Instead of shielding them from these consequences, I welcome them. I genuinely feel sad when this child is hurt from the consequences of their actions, but point out that he/she can make a different choice next time that will have better results.

--Procrastination. My 15 year old has gotten in the habit of putting off school assignments until the last minute. I say nothing about it when he tells me that he had to stay up until 3am doing homework, although I do feel bad that he is so tired the next day. However, recently his procrastination started to effect us because when it was his dish night, he would say, "I have too much homework!" because he chose to procrastinate. Robert and I kept having to do his dishes. I realized after reading this book that the responsibility for his poor choice needed to be put back on his shoulders. So I had a talk with him, telling him exactly that; we are not going to do your dishes because you have chosen to save all your homework until the latest possible moment. Because it was not in the heat of the moment, he handled it well, agreeing that what he was doing wasn't fair to us.

The key is that with every wrong choice the child makes, the punishment comes from the world, not us. They in turn, don't get mad at us, but angry with themselves for their choice.

With every encounter, the book suggests giving them 2 choices so they feel they have control, but are not overwhelmed with choices. A winnable war is waged through choices, not demands. Choices change the entire complexion of the control struggle. With choices, kids have no demands to react against, and the control we need is established. What I have learned over the years is that young children are MUCH more capable of doing things then we sometimes think. And when we allow them to do things for themselves, not only do we take some of the strain off ourselves, but we allow them to develop self confidence.

Okay. We all know that things rarely run this smoothly. Take for example my 4 year old who throws vicious, and long temper tantrums. The book advises that it is best to respond to bad behavior in a detached manner, and to respond to good behavior with emotion. Easier said than done, for sure. This is a scenario the book recommends for handling a temper tantrum. When it is obvious that a child needs to go to their room, you offer them a choice, "Would you like to go to your room walking, or would you like me to carry you?" The child doesn't respond so the parent says, "Uh-oh! It looks like you are choosing to be carried." And then the parent says, "Feel free to continue your tantrum up here by yourself. Would you like to have the door open or closed?" If the child tries to flee, then say "Uh oh! It looks like you are choosing to have your door closed." And then of course in my case, I usually end up having to lock him in because he still chooses to come out. However, when he calms down and is let out, he always shows remorse and behaves better afterward.

I must include this HILARIOUS example of what the book suggests saying. When a child becomes spoiled and entitled, one could say "I know you want me to (help with homework, drive you somewhere, etc.) However, I'm sorry to say that taking you places (doing things for you) has put a darkening cloud over my haze of happiness lately. That's sad but true. So I think I'll pass on doing that for you this time." AHAHAHA! After I read this, I continued to say it to my kids all day, "You are putting a darkening cloud over my haze of happiness, could you please stop?" It became quite a joke that we all laughed at all day. Although it is funny, I like the concept that it teaches: You can be a mother, without being a martyr. So, so incredibly important. The book stresses the importance of a parent modeling healthy adult behavior by taking care of themselves and even occasionally putting themselves first. This models for the child how to take care of themselves and the importance of having a good self image.

There is so much more that I learned (or re-learned) from this book, and I highly recommend it. I feel a little more in control of my life now and much more empowered about handling various situations. Now I must simply continue to press on.

Small and Simple Things

2012-01-04T05:53:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I'm not a very big fan of the Christmas holiday in general. In the past, it has represented rabid crowds, coming up with gift ideas for my children of toys they don't need, commercialism of a holiday that literally starts before Halloween, and trying sometimes to no avail to teach my children the "real meaning of Christmas" amidst the much more exciting noise of Santa. I am so leery of spoiling them, that I feel obligated to come up with a plethora of ways to earn points towards varying service projects…and then invariably give them too many presents on Christmas. So this year I determined that Christmas would be different. Simpler. In the cause of seizing the day, I normally buy tickets for different plays, musicals, the ballet, Tabernacle Choir concert, Savior of the World play, etc. attempting to create meaningful memories for my family. But this year, besides the events the children were in, we attended NO Christmas events. I also intentionally signed up for fewer obligations: being in charge of school Christmas parties, volunteering to bring food to this or that event, etc. And guess what? It was by far much more spiritual, calm, and enjoyable. I was able to take the time to enjoy the smaller, less loud things that happened instead of them being masked by much louder substitutes. Here are some of the simple things I was able to revel in and be thankful for this Christmas:

A completely spontaneous apology on the part of
a very strong willed girl

A preschool program where Ashton refused to sing a word,
but I managed to catch him smiling.

The joy of a candy cane

Taking pictures of my beautiful sister 1 week
before giving birth

Holding my sister's baby, Harper, minutes after birth

Starting a new tradition of donut making on Christmas Eve.
It was a hit!

My brother, the designated ass in the nativity play, carrying
his daughter on his back.

Watching the kids rough housing before Christmas Eve began.
How they all love big brother Christian.

Christian attempting to thank Madison by
hugging her for her homemade present. Her
trying not to be hugged, even though I think
she liked it a bit.

Robert's un-contained glee over his surprise present:
a snow cone maker. LOVE that smile!

Madison's shrill scream of delight over a 1 cent poster I got on ebay.

Christmas Eve pajama pictures that actually worked!

A game of charades. This is my Mom acting out an
admiring cow at the birth of Jesus. HAHAHAHA!

Ashton hugging E. in thanks for her giving him one of her
favorite stuffed animals…with a pen so he can draw on it.

Realizing my almost 13 year old still calls me "Mama"--even
in front of her friends

Look at Hunter's face!! They get Christmas Eve pjs every year so you would think
they would be used to it, but Hunter thinks he's won the lottery in this picture!

My Dad as Santa, and Christian who is apparently
still not too big to sit on Santa's lap.

--My children being overly generous in donating their money to the Sub-for-Santa family we sponsored.

--The woman's tears of gratitude when we dropped off presents for her family of 13 children. She hadn't known that she was being sponsored until the day before we came so she was prepared for no presents at all for her children.

--Madison's heartfelt poems to Robert and I as Christmas presents.

--Lots of dates with Robert because the kids are finally old enough to babysit themselves!

--After a long 2 week Christmas break, Robert taking all the kids swimming for family night without me so I could lay in bed and watch tv.

The simple things are the things that bring true joy.

My friend posted this quote, that in the essence of simplicity, I decided to make my goal for this year:

"This year, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again." --Howard W. Hunter.

Motherhood: The Darker Side

2011-12-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

Motherhood is hard enough when everyone is healthy, doing well at school, and you're only dealing with the typical age appropriate issues: occasional temper tantrums, helping with homework, sibling fighting, etc. But what about when you have a child, or children, that have special needs requiring extra time, patience, and understanding? It can make life infinitely more complex and tedious, draining you of your physical, emotional, and spiritual energy. This is how I felt with my first child, with my 4th child, and now with Ashton, my youngest. There's a lot of guilt involved when you desperately love your child, but their behavior makes you weary, sometimes resentful towards them, and not enjoying motherhood. Of course this doesn't make you love them less, and you have your other children's accomplishments to give you joy, but there is also this side of motherhood, the darker side, that isn't talked about much.

I'm starting to think Ashton has this: Sensory Processing Disorder. I believe that if I went back in time and took Christian in to a child psychiatrist at a young age, he would have been diagnosed with this too. Some of the symptoms that he has are of tactile hypersensitivity--he often complains that his clothes are hurting him, brushing his teeth is akin to torture for him, and he doesn't liked to be touched most of the time unless it is on his own terms. He is easily "overstimulated" in crowds and resorts to screaming and crying or acting out somehow. He has a very very low frustration tolerance and seems to have a lot of anger and anxiety. When you have a child that you suspect is dealing with some extra issues, it makes parenting all the more difficult because it can change some of the rules. For example: When he doesn't get his way about something seemingly insignificant and then resorts to an hour temper tantrum, am I supposed to respond with consequences like I would with my other children? Or am I supposed to realize that he has very high anxiety and during these times, is incapable of reasoning with me? It is so true that you have to parent each child differently! So if I respond to his anger by ignoring it and allowing him to work it out himself, will he then think that his anger is acceptable behavior and that he can say and do mean things and I won't punish him? This is what he typically does when he doesn't get his way: He screams at me and wants to throw something at me or hit me. I tell him calmly that he needs to go up to his room if he is going to act like that. Then he says, "I don't like Jesus then!" And "You are ugly and I don't love you!" The younger, less experienced me would be hurt by statements like these, but I know he is out of his mind during times like these so I try and "detach" in order to deal with the situation best. I usually end up carrying him kicking and screaming into his room since he refuses to go himself, where he resorts to dumping out all of his toys and throwing things at the door. I then have to go in and say that this is unacceptable behavior and that he will now have to clean up his room. It just escalates from there because he is so overwhelmed with having to clean his room that he screams more and says more mean things. This behavior goes on all day, every day unless he is zoned out in front of the tv. Needless to say, this behavior day in and day out is extremely draining, and frustrating. Most of the time I have the energy to think through these situations and respond in the best way I know how. But sometimes, near the end of the day, I'm just zapped of energy and will power and I yell at him which I feel bad for. Now add 4 other strong willed children to the mix, and that makes for some hard days! I must say however, that there are times that Ashton can be sweet and enjoyable as well. I appreciate and crave those moments even more than most might because he lets me hug and kiss him and he tells me he loves me, and it is an opportunity to connect to a child that sometimes doesn't want to.

I relate this to you, not to gossip about my child or to get sympathy, but to demystify motherhood a bit. Sometimes, motherhood just plain stinks. As my own mother used to mutter under her breath during trying times, "Sometimes motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be…" I am incredibly thankful for this honesty because it prepared me for something that is HARD and one needs to go into it knowing that it's going to be hard. You can sometimes feel trapped, overwhelmed, unfulfilled, stressed, and confused as to what to do for a certain child. For me, talking things out with Robert or my Mom seems to help a lot. Also reading books about the specific areas I am dealing with seems to make me feel more empowered. Getting time by myself or with Robert also helps fill me with more energy and the will to keep trying. Don't feel bad for me because I am equal to the task--at least right now. I love Ashton dearly and wouldn't trade him for the world. I just want others to know that it's okay to sometimes feel unfulfilled, frustrated, not happy, etc. It's what you do with those feelings that makes all the difference. Those feelings don't make you a bad mother, they make you a mother that needs a time out, or some other resources to help you.

Yes, motherhood is hard, but there's nothing quite as rewarding either. How I LOVE being a mother. And how I love each of my 5 peanuts!

Photo shoots, cookie parties, and art

2011-12-19T17:23:00.000-08:00

These are pictures from some of the photo shoots I've done lately. I rarely share pictures from my shoots, but I thought I would this time.

Baby Caitlyn

Underwood Family

Cooper Family

Hess Family

Kenzley

Annual Flynn cookie decorating party

Hunter and Cousin Tate

Cookie decorating is serious business for these two

M. and cousin Thai

Cousins E. and Sierra

A. and E. dancing as they pretend to be a mom and a dad

Sunday I tried out my new lens on the kids. It brings in a ton of light and I love it.

Christian drew this from a photo I took. Pretty darn amazing.

Artwork by Christian. I know--its a kind of scary picture, but he is a 15 year old boy.

Just the two youngest peanuts

2011-12-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

I highly recommend taking short trips with one or two children at a time as well as trips with the whole family if you ever have the opportunity. We just got back from a 4 day trip to California with the two youngest kids, Elisabeth and Ashton, and had a wonderful time. Often times, the older kids naturally get more attention because their needs seem more pressing, and maybe they don't express their needs as well as the older kids. I was feeling like the younger kids were kind of getting lost in the shuffle, and also getting a lot of negative feedback from Robert and I because they are so difficult for us right now. So I wanted to have some carefree time with just them where all of our positive attention was focused on them. I really saw a big difference in their behavior for these 4 days. We got there Saturday afternoon and went to the Children's Discovery Center in Orange County. They had an awesome display of the original costumes and models used in the making of the Star Wars movies. We also went to see the new Muppet Movie which was way cute and innocent. On Sunday, we headed to Newport Beach and spent the day. It was 75 degrees and sunny. It was a spectacular day to spend at the beach. The kids frolicked on the beach while Robert and I laid on a blanket and watched. It was incredibly enjoyable. On Monday, we ventured out to Disneyland. We agreed that we would pay attention to the kids' cues and not overstay the day there. It was fairly windy and cooler, but still very sunny and the lines were short. I was surprised that their favorite rides were the scary roller coaster ones that I have never liked. Their favorites were Indiana Jones, Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, The Haunted Mansion, and of course Pirates of the Caribbean. We left for Disneyland at 9am and were back to our hotel around 4pm. It was a perfect day for them, and for us. The next day was our day to leave, but we decided to squeeze in a short trip to Hollywood before we headed to the airport. We went straight to Grauman's Chinese Theater to see the Hollywood Walk of Fame nearby as well as the stars' handprints. Then we went and got some pictures of the Hollywood sign for Madison since she is so enamored with being famous. We had such a good time and as a side note, Robert and I got to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary a little early since part of our honeymoon was going to Disneyland. I was so happy to get home to my other munchkins who, from what I hear, were very well behaved and independent which makes me proud and happy that they are learning to take care of themselves.

Here are some pictures from our trip:

So cool to see the original things used in the Star Wars movies!

A real bed of nails!

My handsome Robert

There was hardly anyone there but us!

Me and Peaches, taken by Elisabeth

I loved how everything was decorated for Christmas

You can't tell, but Ashton is BURSTING with excitement

Me and Liv on the Winnie the Pooh ride

Even Cinderella's castle was decorated for Christmas

Loved this play house in Toon Town

E. had this cool hood on her jacket I thought I would try and get a picture of. Love it.

Robert putting his hands in Matt Damon's handprints

Me touching the Twilight stars handprints (boy was I excited)

Hopefully They're Learning Something

2011-11-29T13:20:00.000-08:00

So remember this post (Sometimes Once a Year Feels Like Too Much…) when I relayed our eventful and embarrassing visit to the Bishop's office for tithing settlement? Well, the embarrassment continued this Sunday when we had the home teachers over. The polite home teacher asks the kids, "What is the most important meaning of Christmas?" Hunter blurts out, "PRESENTS!" To which I reply, "Are you kidding me?!" He then says, "What? Is it about family or something?" He then was promptly assigned to teach his second family night in a row (the last one was on tithing) which was on the true meaning of Christmas. I then had a mini-break down where I wondered how it was that after 10 years of family nights, every week almost without fail, he did not understand what tithing was or what Christmas was really about. Seriously. BUT, hopefully they will all remember they had fun together every week, right?

Hunter using the nativity to teach his lesson

The lesson is interrupted briefly with this craziness

Ashton was in charge of the games and he chose "Button, button, whose
got the button?" All of the kids STILL love this game.

A little more distraction--Robert's given up in the background

Christian gets in on it

And why not make a human pyramid for family night?

Madison was hyper

Red light, Green light--Christian is waaaaay too into it

On a more pleasant note, we purchased our first real Christmas tree this year and boy does it smell festive!

The Power of Optimism

2011-11-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

Once a month, I participate in a "learning circle" called the Power of Moms. Each month we take turns reading a topic regarding motherhood and then come ready to discuss it within the group. This month's learning circle article was on the power of optimism. One of the questions asked by the discussion leader was examples each of us had when we chose to laugh instead of cry in a hard or stressful situation with our children. Ever since then, I have been thinking of various examples throughout my child rearing years when I had chosen to laugh instead of yell. Here are some of them:

*Christian around the age of 4 decided to "help" me out by cleaning. He doused his rag in TOILET WATER (because that was what he could reach at the time) and cleaned the whole kitchen with it. He was very proud of himself, and I wasn't going to ruin that for him. So I just laughed.

*Hunter cut a very large swath of Elisabeth's hair down to the scalp. When questioned as to why he did this, he very logically explained in his 5 year old way that he was looking through the scrapbooks and saw that Elisabeth was the only one who didn't have a hair sample in her book. He just wanted her to have some hair in her scrapbook like everybody else. How could I get mad at that?!

*After moving into our brand new home, Robert and I came back from a date to find that Hunter had colored at least half of the grout between the stones in our entry way. Once again, we questioned him as to what would possess him to do this, and he replied, "It was plain and I wanted it to be colorful!"

*Christian was 4 and STILL not potty trained. We were on a trip to Nauvoo when he had a major blow out. Robert laid Christian's enormous body out on the lawn of the NAUVOO TEMPLE grounds (which I have a picture of) and changed him while I laughed hysterically and took pictures. I'm not sure Robert was laughing with me.

*When Madison was 2 years old, I went into her room after her nap time. Well, no nap had been taken. Instead she had gotten into her diaper pail and unwrapped all the pooh diapers, then stepped in it and made pooh art all over the room. Pooh footprints on the carpet, walls and bed. I was so utterly astonished at what greeted me when I opened the door that I just stood there and laughed.

*Elisabeth, for some odd reason, enjoyed sleeping naked when she was about 1. Every night, we would go in her room and find her curled up in a little naked ball. We tried telling her "no", we tried getting her in trouble, then we tried taping her pajamas on and she STILL got out. Finally we brought out the big guns: DUCT TAPE. Robert duct taped her into her pajamas every night before bed. It was sooo funny. But it made her stop taking them off!

*After dental school, one of our first purchases was a new kitchen table. I think it was one of the first things we bought that wasn't used. The very first night we had it, Hunter took a fork and drug it across the shiny wood on top. I can remember that at first we were a little upset, but then we both laughed saying now we wouldn't have to stress so much about it being broken in--it already was! Since then, we have gone back to buying "scratch and dent" items so we don't have to worry so much about the treatment of brand new things.

*I was working in the yard with the kids. I went inside for 10 minutes for a phone call and when I came back, they had taken the big yard scissors and cut a path through the front yard for themselves--trees, bushes, flowers, everything. They explained that they just wanted a short cut for themselves when they walked to school. For some reason, I just found it endearing and realized that I would always have a reminder of them for years to come when I saw the trail through the front yard.

*This one just happened a couple of weeks ago. It was the morning and Madison had just left for school. I went to get the vacuum only to discover that it was sitting in a puddle of what looked like diarrhea! The vacuum hose and container that holds the dirt was full of pooh. I exclaimed, "What happened?!" Hunter calmly volunteered the information that Madison had cleaned up the dog's "accident" with the vacuum hose. At the time, I wasn't laughing, but by the time Madison got home from school, we both had a good laugh about it.

What a wonderful reminder that learning circle was of how we can choose to respond to our children instead of simply react.

Sometimes once a year feels like too much...

2011-11-20T16:25:00.000-08:00

It will be nice when going to annual tithing settlement doesn't involve heart palpitations and me being in a cold sweat. Yes, today was tithing settlement and as is customary, our family of 7 met with the Bishop. Here are some highlights:

--During the introductory chit-chat, Ashton and Hunter are socking each other and laughing uncontrollably.

--I am desperately trying to get their attention by yell-whispering, "Guys! Shhhh!" while keeping a smile on my face as if I am sweet and somewhat amused. But I am not either of these.

--Elisabeth is kicking the bishop's desk and accidentally kicks in one of the doors on the front of it. The Bishop seems distracted with the introductory chit-chat so when Madison points at the door that Elisabeth has just demolished, I tell her to be quiet.

--Hunter, who was behind on paying tithing, when prompted by Robert as to whether he could make it up by the end of the year responds, "I don't know! I can't tell the future!" And then an exasperated, "FINE! I'll do it!" He then gets the giggles with Elisabeth and they won't control themselves.

--The Bishop has a basket of candy for the kids on his desk within their reach. Elisabeth forages for candy like a starving squirrel while he is talking and won't stop in spite of my desperate whispers, "Stop! Just pick one!"

--Upon getting in the car I reprimand Hunter on his disrespectful behavior and nominate him to teach tomorrow's family night lesson on the importance of TITHING. He acts like he has never heard of the concept of tithing before.

--Robert telling the kids on the way home, "Sunday is officially over for us. Don't answer the door, don't answer the phone and whatever you do, DON'T ask me and mom to do anything!" Well said.

heaven.

2011-11-15T16:08:00.000-08:00

**A post not to be taken too seriously.

I hope in heaven:

*I don't have white hair.

*I can wear something besides a formless white robe…with nothing on underneath.

*There are still ethnic groups. How boring it would be if we were all to be white. Some of the most beautiful people I know are of mixed race.

*There's rock music. If I have to listen to only the Tabernacle Choir for all of eternity, I may demote myself in kingdoms to allow for some hip-shakin', booty rockin', strong bass music.

*That I will still be allowed to sometimes laugh at inappropriate things.

*I have a belly button. The stomach would just look strange without one.

*Babies are made by lovingly touching thumbs.

*And that they are born through your ear, or just magically materialize.

*There are no private parts, or they are named something totally different than they are now.

*That there is still room for personality when everyone is "perfected". Flaws are some of the things that make people interesting and endearing to me.

*That my dog is there. And I guess at this point, I now realize I should have mentioned earlier that I want my family there too. :)

*We can eat foods that aren't necessarily good for us.

*I don't have to "hearken" unto my husband, because we all know that ain't gonna happen…

*That there are still mountains.

*That there are colors that we have never seen before.

*That I can experience holding each of my children as babies again.

*That it rains. And that there are rainbows.

*Heaven is indeed a joyful place in spite of the fact that we will have complete knowledge of all the suffering going on on the Earth.

*I can go back to being a child for a day, as well as Robert, and that we could play together as children.

*I can fly.

*My world is prettier than other people's worlds. And my clothes. And my children. And myself. Okay, I am showing my many many flaws.

*Certain people that I don't care for, don't make it. Hahaha! Okay--that's just mean.

*That sleep is still necessary.

*That I can meet Emma Smith, Eve, and of course Heavenly Mother. Oh--and Oprah. Here's hoping she repents for living with Steadman without being married for 27 years and accepts the gospel.

*I can have all my MANY questions and concerns answered.

*We can still have "family dinners" and celebrate holidays together.

*There's more to the hereafter than missionary work. Blasphemous I know, but nonetheless true.

*I am there...

Pure Genius

2011-11-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

These are pictures from the actual show

On Tuesday evening, Robert and I had a rare mid-week date to a modern ballet performance entitled, "Complexions". It felt like the first time I tasted sushi--tastes I had never tasted and textures I wasn't used to, but incredibly and indescribably good. I felt like my creative taste buds were salivating with delight. The strange music, the intricate moves, and those bodies--those amazing, spectacular bodies. Even the muscles had muscles! I marveled at how it would be to have total control of my body with the ability to move and jump however I desired. It was in that moment that I realized that I was seeing true genius. It made me think about the other times in my life I had witnessed pure genius and that it made me feel like I was witnessing a small part of divinity. It's inspiring what the mind and body can do when determined, but equally inspiring are the gifts that Heavenly Father blesses his children with. And it's such a gift to be able to watch someone else display their genius because for a moment, you see what is possible.

Christian and Robert are both reading the book, "A Short History of Nearly Everything". It talks about all of the major scientific discoveries, how everything came to be known and how it all fits together. Christian asked me why it seemed like a lot of the people we consider "genius" or "inspired" to make certain discoveries often had/have very corrupt aspects of their lives. For example, Einstein left his wife to have an affair with his cousin and subsequently traded his cousin for his cousin's sister. Also Christopher Columbus who is widely accepted to be inspired in coming to America, was an excellent navigator, a courageous explorer and an able captain, was also accused of decimating the Arawak Indians. Why does God choose to work through people that are so imperfect? In my opinion, it is because He works through natural laws and those that have the natural genetic means to facilitate God's purposes, He uses. Some of the different types of genius that I have been blessed to witness are:

*The genius of wisdom. Have you ever met a person that just seems to understand people and what life is all about? They seem to innately know what the right decisions are in almost every situation and have the ability to meaningfully apply their knowledge? I know several people like this and they bless the lives of everyone around them, including me.

*The genius of intelligence. I know people whose minds are sponges for understanding anything they are taught. I marvel when I see that their minds are able to simultaneously grasp the meaning of something the moment they hear it. I greatly admire people who are always learning and expanding their minds, but also those that are quick in assimilating information no matter how complex.

*Musical genius--someone who at a young age who exhibits extraordinary understanding, depth, and ability when it comes to music. http://youtu.be/xVpEc1yHWwI --Like this 10 year old name Jackie Evancho, for example, who was featured on America's Got Talent. I don't know how you can listen to her and not gain a stronger conviction that God loves and blesses His children with extraordinary gifts.

*Artistic genius--I have always had a great appreciation for art in it's many forms. I have had very spiritual experiences walking through art galleries and museums. I once took a figure drawing class and my brain was literally in a cramp every time I went. I had to strain with concentration and effort only to produce the most elementary sketches of the human body. I am in awe of those that can just see things and easily communicate their version of what they see onto canvas.

*The genius of spiritual understanding--I have been blessed to know many people in my life that are the absolute salt of the Earth. These are people that seem to be tried and tried and tried, yet still persevere with faith in their quiet, unassuming ways. Their lives are a testimony. They don't need to bare a testimony out loud because they live as Christ would every day of their lives. I always try to identify people like these because they often go unnoticed with few honors and acknowledgments. But when I find them, I study them and cherish them because they are my heroes.

*The genius of words--This is a person who communicates their creativity or observations in a way that is precise and beautiful and in a way that no one else would. I LOVE books, and when I read a skillful description of a character, or a masterful storyline, I am inspired. Words have such incredibly power and I enjoy witnessing the capacity that a control and understanding of words has.

Every Mom knows the satisfaction of seeing your child excel at something they love. With Christian, I worked tirelessly to find his talents, putting him in every class and lesson that was possible--chess lessons, cooking classes, art, every sport, violin, acting classes, etc. And what did I discover? He found his talents and interests by himself. How I love that moment when you see your child totally and completely in their element. It's like their body has tapped into their spirit and for a moment, they are one.

I guess what I am really trying to get at is that genius and talents are a testament of God's love for us. When I see someone exhibiting their talent, I feel appreciative, happy, in awe of the many ways God blesses our lives. I am thankful for the people that touch my life daily with their many different ways of being exceptional.

Another Weekend

2011-11-06T17:10:00.000-08:00

This weekend we did something that we are not much used to: relaxing. We woke up Saturday morning and Robert and I both felt like surely we must be missing something--forgetting about some meeting, kid's ball game, some service project or other responsibility, but there was nothing! I cannot even remember the last time that happened. And it felt glorious. So we did leisurely Saturday chores with the kids, they went sledding, Robert worked on his Young Men's responsibilities, and I read up on my NEW CAMERA. That's right. My amazing and thoughtful husband surprised me with a new Nikon D7000 last week and I am in heaven. The camera I previously had was never the same after getting wet on one of our trips. The autofocus was always slightly off as well as the flash and so every singly photo I took for almost 2 years had to be manually sharpened to compensate.

As a matter of fact, the whole week was fairly relaxing because Ashton was sick which forced me to not be busy running errands and stay home with him. It was actually really frustrating for me to stay home at first and not get my errands done, but it was also nice to take it easy with AshBear. On Friday, he started feeling better so he and I walked to Farmington Pond to feed the ducks together. The geese were as big as him and very aggressive, but he still seemed to enjoy himself. It made me feel bad that I am frequently so busy that I forget to "smell the flowers" with my kids.

Friday night is usually the night Robert and I stay in because the kids always have various activities with their friends. Christian goes from his after school swing club to hanging out with his large group of friends and we usually don't see him until his curfew at 10:30. Madison and Hunter are usually busy playing night games with the neighborhood kids until 9pm. So Robert and I grabbed takeout from Chipotle and rented "Captain America". Saturday is usually our date night, but instead we opted to take all the kids with us to Crowne Burger. I am very mindful of the fact that it is only a few more short years before Christian is off to college and a mission and so I very much enjoy having all of us together--even if there is some misery involved.

Highlights from the weekend with the kids: The two youngest kids really want to see the new movie called "Puss in Boots." (which I refuse to see) They both have a small plastic toy cat they got from McDonalds that's supposed to look like the one from the movie. On Saturday I asked them what they were going to play together and Ashton happily replied, "I'm going to play with my PUSS!" Oookkkaaayyyy…

Ashton was being particularly naughty during Sacrament meeting and I whispered to Robert, "Sometimes I just don't think his behavior is normal." To which Robert replied, "You've said that about every one of our kids!" Hahaha. And then we both laughed because it is true! At some point I have thought every one of my kids had some sort of behavioral or cognitive problem. What's wrong with me?!

Christian got straight A's and he did it completely himself. He studies from 4pm-11pm every day without any reminding, bribing, or help from us. What a boy.

Madison got all A's and a B. She has really had to work to overcome some learning hardships and so I was absolutely brimming with pride in her accomplishment.

Hunter spending so much time researching parakeets (he has 2 pet parakeets) and how to train them to talk and do tricks. He loves them so much and is so tender with them.

Christian and I were eating lunch together and out of the blue he asked me, "Why didn't Joseph Smith just drink the alcohol when his leg was being operated on since it wasn't yet against the Word of Wisdom? What's the difference between alcohol for pain and novocaine when getting dental work done if that's all they had?" I love that my kids are starting to ask more thoughtful questions. I told him that I had always wondered that myself. I thought it was admirable that he would stick to his beliefs so strongly, even at such a young age and that it showed a lot of character, but I also thought he should have taken something for the pain for pete's sake! And we both laughed.

Miss Madison got her hair trimmed and styled--so pretty

Pictures before church

A Religious Post That No One Will Probably Read Because It Is Long But That's Okay

2011-10-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

The longer I am alive, the grayer I see things but with much more simplicity as well. This is especially true when it comes to religion. I, like most people who are honest with themselves, have had my ups and downs with my testimony on differing topics. I have always known the church was true, but have increasingly grown in my ability to delineate between others' views of religion, and my own views. I have learned to place a high value on my instincts and/or my own personal revelation. I have spent, or should I say WASTED, many years feeling inferior and guilty--not for any major offense but because I confused the LDS religion with the LDS culture--which is incredibly strong and can be incredibly damaging, especially to women. When I have had questions and concerns on different topics of religion, I have felt isolated many times, falsely perceiving that I was a "bad" person to have questions, and like there was no one to talk to without them thinking less of me. What I have realized is that most Mormons have had the same issues as me at some point and we can help buoy each other up if we are more honest about our struggles. What usually happens though is that we each struggle in our testimonies alone, while pretending all is fine, when really it would be so therapeutic to be able to put it all out on the table and be honest without fear of judgment. I passed by a billboard a couple of years ago which was an advertisement for another church that read, "All of the religion. None of the guilt." I am sure they were referring to the strict rules that our church has (which have never bothered me) which can result in feelings of guilt. For a split second my mind thought, "Wouldn't that be nice?!" And while we all sin regularly and a certain amount of guilt is good, I think there is also a lot of toxic and unnecessary guilt over things that aren't even sins. Guilt of this kind is debilitating and instead of inspiring us to overcome and do better, we can become hopeless, depressed, negative, and bitter. I know. Because I have been there. Here is a quote that expresses this idea perfectly:

"My highest hope is for all of us to stop trying to fool others by appearing to have our act together. As people living in intimate union with God, we need to become better known for what and who we actually are. Perhaps a good place to begin would be telling the world—before the world does its own investigation—that we’re not as bad as they think. We’re worse….If we really believe the gospel we proclaim, we’ll be honest about our own beauty and brokenness, and the beautiful Broken One will make himself known to our neighbors through the chinks in our armor—and in theirs."

I hope for more candor and transparency in Mormonism. I want our talks to be more like country songs, where people recount all the honest sorrow first and only then voice the hope. I want us to be free to bring our whole selves to church, in all our beautiful brokenness. As Frederick Buechner has written, “Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.”

And then recently, I was sent this article: ( http://www.staylds.com/docs/WhatIsOfficialMormonDoctrine.html) by a good friend. It is entitled "Mormon Doctrine: What's Official, And What Isn't?". I have not yet been able to find out the credentials of it's author, Donald L. Ashton, only that he is a part of a forum for members of the church who are struggling with their beliefs. Regardless of who he is, his words resonated deeply with me because he was able to eloquently state what I have always felt regarding my LDS faith but have been too timid to say. Here is the gist of his article:

*Mormons commonly assume official publications, policies, procedures, pronouncements, and pontifications are Official Doctrine. While they are necessary and important for the running of the Church, they don't meet the standard which the church itself has defined doctrine to be, which is: "the Church is willing to be bound before the world to the things that God has revealed, and which the Church has officially accepted. These are the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. And those alone." Harold B. Lee stated, "It is not to be thought that every word spoken by the General Authorities is inspired, or that they are moved upon by the Holy Ghost in everything they write. I don't care what his position is, if he writes something or speaks something that goes beyond anything that you can find in the standard church works." I acknowledge that it can be a tricky proposition to embrace one's questions of faith and rely more on your own ability for personal guidance. After all, what if those questions lead you away from the church? There's always that possibility. I still say, having experienced this process with someone very close to me, that it is better that someone flails about temporarily on their own, than blindly accepting the gospel. They are much more likely not to fall in the future if it comes from their core, not someone else's.

*There are 5 items often assumed to be Official Doctrine, but are not:

-Official talks and statements--I would agree that MOST of what general authorities and apostles say is wise counsel. However, I reserve the right to accept or struggle with their words before I take their thoughts as my own--and without guilt, moreover. Here are some examples of when prophets have misspoken:

*Brigham Young (and Bruce R. McConkie) taught that Blacks would never get the Priesthood.
*Joseph Fielding Smith said man would never set foot on the moon.
*Several GA's taught that polygamy is essential for salvation and would never be removed from the Church.
*Personally, I am not so sure polygamy was ever meant to be revealed doctrine because there were such tremendous breeches in propriety that occurred. Nonetheless, I still believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God even though he was flawed. And I still leave room for the possibility that indeed it was a true revelation.

-Official publications (yes, even the Ensign is not "official" church doctrine, although highly valued)
-Official policy and procedure (the handbooks are NOT church doctrine although widely followed)
-Books by general authorities
-Conventional wisdom (ie.: commonly held beliefs that have no official origin)

I realize that these are tiny, incremental things that were professed and were obviously wrong, but I also firmly believe that by far MOST of everything that is spoken is true and very wise counsel. HOWEVER, if you have the false notion that everything that comes out of General Authorities' and Apostles/Prophet's mouths is absolute truth, you may have some major issues should you choose to delve into church history. And let me be frank here; there is a LOT of church history that can be disturbing. I am actually on firm ground on this one because of the fact that I can see the gray and know that the church has evolved over time, and that's okay by me. But, I am also not going to sweep under the rug some of the ugly truths in our history in regards to polygamy. AND, I don't consider it "anti-mormon" literature just because it is troubling. Some people believe that it is best to never delve into anything that could be categorized as "negative" in our church history. I disagree. I have known too many people to grow up with the view that the church is perfect, only to find out later that it is not and then feel disenfranchised with the church. Honesty is always the best policy, even if the answer is an honest, "I don't know why that happened." What am I trying to say? I guess that the church, at it's wonderful beautiful core, is actually quite plain and simple and that there are a lot of things that get mixed into it that can make it seem infinitely more complicated than it should be, including other member's views of the LDS faith. Have you ever sat in church, listening to a speaker and thought, "I can't believe we belong to the same religion because that is sooooo NOT what I believe." Most of what is said at the pulpit is of relevance, but there are times like when one member opted to center his talk entirely on the evils of caffeinated drinks, or when someone taught that leggings under a skirt for a girl was immodest, that I absolutely cringe. They have lost sight of what the gospel is really about! Christ spent his entire life with the sinners! He left the 99 to find the 1. In fact, those that were closest to him, the apostles, were some of the ones that betrayed him in the worst way. Getting caught up in the tiny nuances of religion will never lead a person back to Christ. In my mind, to a large degree, we all live our own individual religions because there are such vast interpretations of doctrine. Because of this, I plan to address VERY SENSITIVELY these somewhat "gray" topics with my children:

*No one is all good or all bad. It can be very confusing when a person they view as bad, also does some really good things. And the inverse as well; that a good person can do things that are wrong. This is where discernment comes in, and the ability to see shades of gray.

*Bad things definitely happen to good people, but don't blame it all on God. Most of what happens to us in this life is through natural laws whether it be another's free agency, natural disasters, or human error. No one is spared life's slings and arrows.

*NEVER trust ANYONE'S religious opinions or inspiration over your own. It is my experience that most people, even in authority, are just plain MESSED UP! Whereas my own instincts, along with following spiritual promptings, have safely guided me through life thus far.

*Don't feel bad about questioning your religion. Elder Uchtdorf counseled: "We are a question-asking people. We have always been, because we know that inquiry leads to truth. That is how the Church got its start, from a young man who had questions. In fact, I'm not sure how one can discover truth without asking questions. In the scriptures, you will rarely discover a revelation that didn't come in response to a question…Inquiry is the birthplace of testimony. Some might feel embarrassed or unworthy because they have searching questions regarding the gospel, but they needn't feel that way. Asking questions isn't a sign of weakness. It's a precursor of growth." Amen and Hallelujah! I would hope that my children know that if they have questions or religious concerns that Robert and I would listen with understanding and with a spirit of wanting to help them, not judge them.

*Here are some more things that are often accepted as doctrine, when they are instead policy meant to procure consistency and direction or just flat out FALSE perceptions.

-President McKay had a personal dislike for crucifixes and directed the Church building committee to not use them. His personal preference has taken on a life of it's own where people speculate that we avoid them because of theological reasons.
-To be a "good member" you must be Republican.
-Caffeinated soft drinks are against the word of wisdom.
-Temple garments will always protect you from physical harm.
-Always trust Church leaders' advice over such "worldly" types like psychologists, social workers, scientists, and other intellectuals.
-General Authorities will never lead you astray.
-And then of course there are the myriad of unspoken LDS culture rules that women are weighted with that are definitely not doctrine but sometimes treated as such. But that, in and of itself, could be a whole essay.

In my opinion, the gospel is about the family and the individual. If there is a time when callings are getting in the way of family needs, a correction is needed. It should never be so. Sometimes I think that spirituality gets lost in religion. Religiousness and spirituality are two very different things. There have been times where I have been extremely busy with church responsibilities, and yet felt very unspiritual. And there have been other times when I have felt very in-tune with Heavenly Father's will for me and not have it much to do at all with church. The barometer of righteousness sometimes becomes more to do with the image one portrays outwardly as well as whether you can cross visiting teaching and ward temple night off your list of things to do. I think that perhaps people used to view me as a better person years ago when I was tied up in portraying the image of being the perfect wife and mother. But now, the cat's out of the bag and people know I am incredibly flawed. This allows me the freedom to be honest about my flaws, while still continuing to work on them. Being honest about my shortcomings has also allowed me to be a much more accessible person where people know they can talk to me because I can relate to them. And guess what? It is much less lonely now. I have more friends, closer relationships with family and friends and in general, I am a much happier person. It was actually a great burden to always be on guard, pretending that I was something that I was not.

"Like the Pharisees and Sadducees of the Bible, some people are so obsessive fulfilling the letter of the law that they forget the spirit of the law. They teach the lesson, but ignore the student. They are so busy with church work, that they have little time for their own children. They are so set on arguing their religion that they alienate people. In their zeal to be right, they fail to be good. We must not let them draw us away from that which is good, true, and enduring in the gospel."

I have witnessed several people fall away from the church in my life. Interestingly, it has been for reasons that I can totally relate to--they are issues that I have had at one time or another. This has led me to speculate that perhaps my ability to see the grays of life has enabled me to hold on when my faith is tried. It's okay with me that at times prophets have misspoken. It's okay with me that there were some CRAZY things that when on in the early church. It's alright with me that the church isn't perfect. But I still love it, follow it, and teach my children about it. My testimony is based purely upon my personal relationship with my Savior, not upon man. Period.

Renewed

2011-10-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

Last week was a BAD week. It was one of those weeks when nothing seems to go your way, your responsibilities are overwhelming you, and eventually all of your worrying and stress result in your body breaking down and getting sick. Then, of course, you are even worse off because life just goes on when you're a sick parent, only now you have less energy, will power, and you feel like CRAP. Well, thank goodness we were able to spend a long weekend in Park City where the colors were vibrant, the temperatures refreshing, and the environment different than usual. Of course there were still the usual temper tantrums, bad attitudes at times, fighting, and a throwing up child (why oh why is there always one that has to barf for no reason?), but all in all, it was a much needed vacation from my life and I feel renewed and ready to trudge onward.

First stop, Hogle Zoo--and good news, not all of the animals
were dead or maimed!

Elisabeth LOVED seeing the tigers and lions

Christian wanted some updated pictures of himself so I happily obliged and got some really good ones!

I'm happiest when I'm outdoors in nature

We found an awesome new hike with amazing views

We can't go to Park City without stopping at the chocolate factory!

This was one of "those" moments captured for your enjoyment.

I love that the old PC buildings are soooo close together.

Love the art museums downtown.

I LOVE old buildings.

Jazzy thoroughly enjoyed herself.

Miss Madison. I'm going to let you guess who got the nickname
"Grouchy Petunia Pickle-Bottom" while on our trip...

On Thursday we went to the Witchfest at Gardner Village
I HIGHLY recommend going if you get the chance.

During our breakfast with the witches, Christian got called up on stage.
He was so charming and fun. I couldn't have been more proud.

And here's Christian with his new glasses.

Family and Friends

2011-10-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

Ashton with his best buddy Zach, who also happens to be his 2nd cousin

Making a haunted gingerbread house. And yes, that is a gun that Ashton
is playing with--something I would have been horrified with when Christian
was his age. I'm slowly being worn down to nothing...

Robert is SOOOO amazing at teaching the kids. He found this dead dragonfly
on our driveway and we all had to stop and look at it. It was a family affair!

Pumpkin patch day!

Check out that pouty bottom lip. He did NOT want to share the tractor…
A family outing would not be a family outing without at least one temper
tantrum or disgruntled child.

Madison was in a "mood" for this outing as well as Ashton. This is the only
picture I could get of her.

My friend texted me last Friday night at 8pm and asked me if I wanted to run

this race with her. On a whim, I said "Yes!" It was snowing in Park

City that morning and freeeeezing. But it was an adventure and we had fun together.

I wasn't even sore the next day and was very proud of myself for that. (This is an actual

picture of the race--I'm in there somewhere)

Friday night, Robert and I were watching a movie downstairs when our friends called us saying they had gotten Chinese takeout and they had a bunch of extra so COME ON OVER! I love that we have friends who we can do things like this with no planning involved and hang out in our pjs. Christian also had at least 6 friends over for a mean game of Monopoly. I love when our kids bring their friends over so I can get to know them. I try really hard to have the "fun" house that everyone's friends wants to be at.

Saturday night, we went out with Krissy and Zack--my sister and her husband. We went out to eat at Squatters and then to a movie at the new Centerville Megaplex. We always have fun with them--they are some of our very favorite people to spend time with.

Sunday we had our monthly dinner at my parent's house. My Mom made amazing homemade Chinese food. As always, my brother kept us thoroughly entertained and laughing with his hilarious sense of humor and off the wall experiences. My grandparents even came!

Sweatin' Bullets

2011-10-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it. After months of bureaucratic red tape, testing, writing recommendations, gathering information, and lots of meetings, we successfully skipped Elisabeth into 2nd grade. And now I'm sweating bullets. Robert and I just got out of an hour and a half meeting with a committee meant to determine whether advancing her to the next grade was in her best interest. It was really quite unbelievable the amount of testing we had to do and that the district was supposedly the "last word" in deciding what was to be done when they haven't even met Elisabeth. We kept stressing that we don't think our child is a genius, we just think she has mastered the 1st grade curriculum and would socially do better in second grade because of her age. Let me give you a quick synopsis of the background of this situation and why we felt it was in Elisabeth's best interest to skip a grade.

First of all, she barely misses the cut-off date of entering school with a birthdate of September 12. Secondly, she is very tall for her age, she participated in all-day Kindergarten at a private school, and all of her peers in our neighborhood are in the second grade. She also scored in the 94th percentile on her national testing after Kindergarten. Sounds like a slam dunk, doesn't it? Well, a couple of weeks ago, they administered a cognitive ability test which she scored just average on and they basically said that that was reason enough to deny our request. WHAT?! When looking at her writing samples and math from last year compared with now, she has seriously regressed. Our point of view is that she has regressed because she is bored and not being challenged. Their point of view is that if she really knew the material, she would have tested well. I'm not a big fan of "standardized" tests to begin with, especially when it is given to a 7 year old by a stranger alone in a room for several hours. They kept saying she was "wiggly" and wouldn't sit still. Are you kidding me?! So we presented her Kindergarten work, which was way more impressive than her recent work and made the point that this was a crying shame and that she needed to be challenged. Their point of view was that the tests don't necessarily show that she will do well if advanced. Picture this: an enormous, grouchy woman with tacky long acrylic nails and a huge space between her two front teeth, named Sheri telling me that she wanted a note from her put in Elisabeth's permanent record that she adamantly disagrees with our decision to advance Elisabeth. Robert was jabbing me under the table to keep a lid on it and not get irate--which I am proud to say I only did once. Hahaha! After we told the committee that in spite of their thoughts, we wanted to promote her and that we took full responsibility for making sure she is successful, I turned to pert Sheri, and sarcastically said, "And if she doesn't do well, we'll just blame it on Sheri!" HAHAHA!! And then I had to go out to the car and call her a B****, not because I'm crass, but simply because that was the only word that correctly described her. SEE YA SHERI!

But now I'm sweating bullets. I sure hope she does well!!! Yikes! Talk about pressure. Sometimes I think I'm in waaaaaay over my head with this parenting thing! But in the end, we followed our gut feelings about Elisabeth and made the decision we felt was best and that's all we can do, right?

My Latest Addictions

2011-10-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

My Fitness Pal
In my quest to lose a few pounds, I discovered this free app that I downloaded to my iPhone. I like it because it has a very large data base of nutritional information on food (they even have cafe rio, although you might not want to look) and it is very user friendly. It helps me know how many calories I should be consuming so that I am not starving myself and helps me be accountable every day. You can also log in your exercise and it will tell you about how many calories you've burned from whatever activity you have done. I've already lost 12 pounds! Yay for me!

Almond Milk--This product packs almost twice the calcium of milk and if you buy it unsweetened, it is half the calories of milk. It also has good doses of vitamin E in it. However, I recommend only using it in cereal or recipes because it definitely has an acquired taste to it.

Abba hair products--I discovered this shampoo and conditioner when I went to check out the new makeup store "Ulta" in Farmington. It is pricey compared to store brands, but the smell is to die for, it really seems to make my hair shine, and it is environmentally friendly. The one I got smells like peppermint and tingles on my head. Love it.

Inversion Table--
Robert just purchased one of these to help with the strain that being hunched over patients has on his back. I don't know if it has any long term effects, but if you have lower back pain or pressure (which I do), the time that you are tilted back releases that pressure and feels heavenly.

Skinny Cow ice cream--I don't know about you, but I have to have some sort of dessert every day. These "Skinny Cow" ice cream sandwiches are only 150 calories and are really good! I think they also have a good amount of fiber and are pretty big for a diet food. I prefer the cookies and cream ice cream sandwiches.

Words With Friends--My sister got me hooked on this. It's a free app for your iPhone that is a game similar to Scrabble. You play with other people who have an iPhone and it notifies you when they have taken their turn and it is now your turn. I have to be careful because it is quite addictive, but I figure it's a good brain exercise too.

Retail Me Not--If you ever are buying something online, you should consider checking out this website for coupon codes to your favorite stores. I have found MANY deals that I wouldn't have known about had I not checked this site. As a matter of fact, I don't usually buy anything online until I can find a coupon code on this website for what I want.

Hope in a Bottle--I found this at the new Ulta store too (don't you love the name?). It's a really good moisturizer made with all natural products and I love the smell of it. It also has a sunscreen in it.

PhotoStyler--I downloaded this onto my Mac computer. It is for photo editing. I think it was about $29 and it is super easy to use and has some awesome photo effects.

A Thousand Splendid Suns--I LOVED this book and I highly recommend it. It's a modern day story of two women living in Afghanistan, written by a man who was born there so he knows what he is talking about. Incredibly written and extremely eye opening.

Turkey Jerky--My sister-in-law introduced this to me a few weeks back. It is such a yummy snack and waaaay better than beef jerky. It is fairly low calorie and high in protein. You can find it at Costco.

Shoe storage bench--I recently purchased this shoe storage bench from this store: http://www.improvementscatalog.com. I have been sooo frustrated with my kids coming home from school and kicking their shoes off right by the front door. I am putting this near the front door so that hopefully, they will have somewhere to store their shoes close to the front door and not have to run down to their rooms to get or put away their shoes. I also like it because it is a bench. We'll see if it works...

Arrested Development--Robert and I just discovered this show through Netflix. It's a comedy about a very dysfunctional family. It's very funny and very quirky, but you definitely have to "get" their humor to enjoy it. If you try and get into it, you kind of need to watch several episodes in order to get to know the family before deciding whether you like it or not.

Modern Family--We love this show. And dare I say that the best characters on the show are the gay couple? I also really like "Phil" the Dad of the 3 kids. It's a comedy about a family and I find it charming.

What are your latest addictions?

The Heber Creeper and Conference Sunday

2011-10-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend we took the kids on the Heber Valley Railroad which we have done many times throughout their lives. The first time we went, we took Christian when he was about 6 months old. I remember his enormous blue eyes taking in all of the passing scenery and that that night was the first (and last for a long time) that he slept through the night. Now he is almost 6 foot 3 inches and we have 5 kids--my how time flies and always seems like "it was just yesterday." We also went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall ice cream place called "Grannie's" in Heber. It was an absolutely scrumptious day in every way.

Gorgeous views from the train

Elisabeth posing with her pink tiger hat

Christian, my dashing boy

All 5 kids before we boarded the train

Handsome Robert. I never tire of that face.

Persnickety Ashton--this was the only smile he would give us

Nearing the end of the ride, Ashton was just plain tuckered out

Miss Madison loved climbing all of the trains

Growing up!

Beautiful open fields the whole way

I love all of the rustic, old moving parts of a train. No modern train will
ever compare to the beauty of an old train.

Hunts

Elisabeth--the cross winds on the train were refreshing but left us all a
little windblown.

I love this picture of Christian

We all wanted our very own row. Of course.

I was the last one off the train in order to capture the beauty I
found in the simplistic lines of rows of chairs on the train.

Color and texture together makes for great composition in a photo.

We passed this on the way to Heber. It's called "Devil's Slide" and
I believe it is natural and not man-made. Pretty neat, huh?

Me kickin' back

And today was wonderful because it was Conference Sunday. We had our usual breakfast feast and then settled down to watch the first session, complete with conference bingo and coloring projects. (Poor picture quality due to being taken on my iPhone)

M&M Bingo

Ashton very proud of his artistic masterpieces

Caught! On Camera

2011-09-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hunter is the BOMB dot com! (click on link)

Dear Hunter,

If you choose to record videos of yourself on my computer, I will eventually find them and maybe even post them to my blog.

Love,

Mama

A Very Tiger Birthday AND Animals Everywhere

2011-09-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

Notice the new tiger tail, tiger ears, and leopard boots

Her favorite new present--a white tiger cub

Cousin Sierra and Elisabeth at the Gateway before going to the Build-A-Bear Workshop

TigerDog

Washing their new dogs

Ashton's new bear named "Bullets"

Elisabeth and Sierra posing with their new dogs at Chili's

Finding just the right outfit for her wiener dog. She finally settled on a cowboy hat.

AND

What happens when I leave for a day and a half? Well, apparently we get new members of the family. Yes, last weekend when I went to see my brother compete in his hill climb, Robert took the kids to the pet store and bought a hamster and 2 birds.

Meet "Cocoa Puff"--Madison and Elisabeth's hamster

Meet "Skyler" and "Isis"--Hunter's parakeets

Me cuddling with Jazzy before scriptures--Gooooood girl Jazzy!

The "Big Nasty" Weekend

2011-09-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

Seeing someone wholly and perfectly in their element is beautiful. My brother Stephen has loved dirt, speed, motorcycles, and adrenaline for as long as I can remember. He was and has always been a free spirit, sometimes bucking authority and absolutely constant in living by his own rules. I greatly admire that he would not allow others to squash the essence of who he was. I admire that he works hard and plays even harder. He seems to have found the ability to suck the absolute marrow out of life and it really is an inspiring thing to behold.

This last weekend, I traveled with my parents and my sister Kristen to Ontario, Oregon to see him compete on a pro level hill climb event called the "Big Nasty"--nasty because of the treacherousness of the hill. I am not lying when I say that just trying to climb this hill that looked like it was at a 90 degree angle would have reduced me to gripping fear and tears. But he managed to climb the hill at probably 70 miles per hour with keen ability and no fear. Wow. AND he made it into the finals. I am so incredibly proud of my brother.

Proud to be a Brinkman

My mom and Stephen's daughter Charlotte

Stephen right after his first ride

Eat My Dirt

Me, Stephen, and my Mom at his trailer before a race

Yes, it really is called the "Big Nasty"

Me on his bike. I look like I'm going to burst with happiness. Strange, I know.

Stephen and his baby girl

This picture is not being uploaded with very high quality
to my blog. It's much better on my computer. This is right
before he made it over the hill.

Awesome stunt show between races

Samara, my sister in law with Brooklyn

We drove past this amazing field of zinnias

My Mom, me, and Krissy

The Family That PLAYS Together

2011-09-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

I once heard a twist on the saying, "The family that prays together, stays together" which was "The family that PLAYS together, stays together." Of course our family tries to have daily prayers together, but I don't think that importance of fun together should be underestimated. Life is DIFFICULT and incredibly unpredictable and having wonderful, happy memories to draw from can really help lighten your burden. This weekend, we went to my grandparents cabin which I have been doing since I was about 15. At night, we played a lot of games (which I usually have to force myself to do) and laughed A LOT. Seeing Ashton trying to act out something for charades was priceless. No matter what we guessed on our first guess, he said, "You're right!" He was so very proud of himself. We had an amazing Sunday service near a waterfall where each of the kids were told they had to come up with their own talk. It was so sweet and touching to hear each of their individual insights. There were several moments during our weekend--perfect moments--the kind where you almost don't want to breathe because the distraction might end it. I made sure that I took many mental pictures so that I would never forget how perfect moments feel. If you were to eavesdrop on our family, it would be LOUD, animated, there would be power struggles and fights, but there would also be lots of fun, happiness, and laughter. Family. There's just nothing quite as splendid.

Yellow flowers everywhere!

Robert introducing Jazzy to the horses

"Our tree" where we carved our names when
we were 18, and where Robert later proposed

"The Rock" right before the hike to
"Yellow Lake"

Robert, very proud of his burnt marshmallow that looks
more like a hideous tumor

Brothers

Hunter spotted this butterfly and wanted
me to take a picture.

The absolute GLEE over seeing a horse poo

Trying to get a picture of all 5 kids smiling can be torture.
Notice Ashton refusing to smile--just because we wanted him to.

Wild flowers

Love the missing tooth smile

The owner came out and let us feed her horses gingersnap cookies

Ashton never gets enough of throwing rocks in the river

2 Heads Are Better Than 1

2011-08-31T15:51:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in division of responsibility among spouses strictly down gender lines. I believe you should do what works best for you and your family. In our home, we BOTH preside as joint leaders. I have never understood the need to delineate the father as "presiding" in the home. Does that just mean that when the oh-so-important task of choosing someone to say a prayer is needed, the male is to step forward and show his mighty leadership skills? In Relief Society when discussing how we can honor the priesthood, part of the lesson teaches that you need to encourage your husband to lead. I find this suggestion belittling to men, much as I would feel if Robert felt it necessary to encourage me to work on my homemaking skills. In our house, family home evening is almost always done by me; planned, conducted, and carried out by me. This is because growing up, my family always had family night which instilled this habit in me and so I know that if I am in charge, it will get done. Robert's strength is family scripture study, so he organizes and leads that activity because he has always had this wonderful habit. I LOVE yard work. Therefore, it is usually me and the kids who mow the lawn, pull weeds and plant things. It is always surprising to me when someone expresses amazement that I would be doing the yard work. To me it makes much more sense for me to do the yard work because I LIKE IT instead of assuming that Robert should do it because he is male. Robert has no problem taking all 5 kids somewhere by himself or doing laundry and dishes.
When we lived in Kentucky, we had a home teacher that thought that since the man was the patriarch of the home, that when he needed to make an appointment to come over he would only talk to Robert. You may think I am exaggerating, but he actually TOLD us that this is how it should be in every home. Somehow "patriarch" and "preside" got mixed up with me needing someone to answer for me. Even if he saw me at church, he would tell me to have Robert call him to make an appointment. Robert and I both found this amusing so whenever we were both present and he asked when would be a good time to come, Robert would answer, "You'll have to ask my wife." This left him flustered and disgruntled, much to our further amusement. I also recall a time when Robert was called into the Bishop's office to ask for his permission for me to have a calling. I was mortified. Didn't he have enough respect for me to let me answer for myself?! How degrading. It made me feel like I was a child and that Robert was my parent--responsible for taking care of me. Blahhhhh! At Robert's encouragement, I went into the Bishop after this to let him know that from now on, he should come to ME first when calling me to a church position. I have little tolerance for traditions that make no sense and are no longer practical. Sometimes people just do things because that's the way they've always been done without stopping to think, "Does this make sense?" "Does this work well for my family?" As a matter of fact, I think that people who structure their homes with strong division of responsibility lines are often stunted in their individual growth. Let me give an example. Last night, I went out to dinner with a friend and so it was up to Robert to take two of the kids back and forth from tumbling, make dinner, and start homework. He of course managed to do this with flying colors because he has never limited himself to the archaic notion of what male responsibilities are. I think because of this, he is closer to our kids. After all, "presiding" is a sort of static term not really meaning any action is involved, it's just a term referring to someone that stands at the head. I know men that have never even boiled water and when their wife is away, she must do everything beforehand for him so that he is not helpless. I know women who don't have a clue about how to do the family finances. Should something happen to their husband, they would be lost not knowing what to do. Everyday night after dinner, it is an unspoken rule that both of us divide and conquer. We split up doing evening chores with the kids such as dishes and cleaning the family room, as well as helping each child with homework. No one stops until it is ALL done.
As I mentioned, last night I went out to dinner with my long-time friend Lisa. I have written about her before; she is my age having never married, is highly educated and has worked in Kenya for the Peace Corp for several years and traveled the world. BY HERSELF. Her next adventure is going to Korea to teach English in a private school. As I sat at dinner wide-eyed and taking in every word of her traveling adventures to Thailand, India, Kenya, Cambodia, Vietnam, etc. I couldn't fathom that she had done all of this by herself! Don't get me wrong, although I am fascinated by her life, I thoroughly love mine and wouldn't trade it for anything, but I do not possess her level of independence and I wish I did. I couldn't help but wonder how comforting it must feel to have the know-how and confidence to completely provide for yourself and protect yourself in any country. I am thankful I don't have to, but it certainly would make me feel stronger to know that I could if I had to. It took me back in time to when my sister Kristen and I took a trip just the two of us to San Francisco. Somehow, we took a wrong turn late at night while walking to get to our hotel. There were homeless and scary looking men ogling us and yelling things at us all the way down the street. It was a little scary I have to admit! It was also somewhat difficult trying to find our way around because I usually just let Robert take care of that. I definitely felt stunted because I have relied on him so heavily in this way. So last night, I came to this conclusion: Every married person should learn how to do everything that their spouse does in case they ever had to do it all by themselves. This would also have the added benefit of more appreciation for each other when you had to experience what the other person usually does. I think it is fine and wonderful to depend on each other and split up responsibilities to get things done more efficiently, but not at the expense of not knowing how to do certain responsibilities. I love when Robert does things for me to lighten my burden, NOT because I can't do it for myself.
Next Fall, when my youngest starts kindergarten, I plan on going back to school to get my Master's Degree in Social Work. I have always loved this field of study, but I also want to be more prepared to provide for my family if the economy gets worse or something happens to Robert. I am well aware that I would not ever earn anything close to what he does as a dentist, but I think that if I were more educated and we down-sized our life a LOT, we could survive if we had to--especially since we don't have very much debt. In this day and age, we really can't afford as women to only know how to do responsibilities limited to the home and family. Life is unpredictable and circumstances are precarious in the world. The forces of evil are so powerful that in my opinion, TWO leaders in the home is vital. What do you think?

Transition

2011-08-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

Now that I've had a week to recover from the summer and to process the transitions I am going through, I can now write about it. One of the main goals I have had in raising my children is to teach them independence. This was the first summer that I really felt their ability to be somewhat self-sufficient taking over. The house felt empty many times as the two oldest were busy with friends and summer camps. The two youngest have finally reached the stage where I don't have to worry so much that they are going to leave the house without telling me or swallow pennies. All of my children are capable of making their own lunches (yes, even the 4 year old), folding and putting away their own laundry, and doing all sorts of household duties, including mowing the lawn for the 3 oldest. And I am very proud of this because as any Mom knows, it's HARD to motivate kids to work--way harder then if we were to just do it ourselves. My kids did jobs EVERYDAY of summer except on my birthday (a wonderful gift to myself) and by the end of summer, they would get up, look around and see what needed to be done, and do it because they knew there was no way out of it. Success! But boy did it take a lot of long-suffering on my part! ( I think I may have aged at least a few years from this)
Raising children produces such a complex mixture of emotions. For example, I am so proud that they are growing up into good and happy people, but I miss the sweet toddler phase of each of them, when they get their two bottom teeth and take their first steps. So here are some things I am thankful for right at this moment and trying very hard to hold on to:

*My 12 year old still calls me "Mama." I know the days are numbered before someone makes her feel uncomfortable for this, so I will cling to it every minute of every day.

*I still have children young enough to play at the park and go to children's museums. There is almost nothing quite as enjoyable as watching your child gleefully playing at the park on a pleasant, not-too-hot day. On one day this summer, I took all 5 kids to the park for a picnic and it made me so happy to be there with all of them!

*My 4 year old still carries his ratty old stuffed dog everywhere he goes and insists on wearing one glove everyday. He also calls sandwiches "smash-smiches". How I LOVE that!

*They all still seem to prefer being at home versus their friend's houses. Yes, it is hectic with them and their friends over, but I am grateful they love to be home.

*With the exception of Christian, they all still believe in Santa Claus (I am wondering if I may have to force Madison to "see the light" on this one, after all she is 12). Holidays are magical with children. As a matter of fact, we have received a few Halloween magazines in the mail and the kids covet them like candy. They look through them everyday and put them in a special place so I don't throw them out.

*None of them have progressed to the teenage thinking that reasons, "Why isn't YOUR room clean?" when I ask them to clean their room. I know the days are numbered on this one too because the older they get, the more they watch your every move.

*They all still want me at all of their school and extracurricular events. They don't seem to be embarrassed of me…yet. (Maybe I'm just oblivious to their embarrassment)

*One of the things I treasure most about my children is their innocence. How I wish they could always be unconscious of the evils of the world around them! At this point, they still think the "s-h word" is shut-up. And that "stupid", "idiot", and the word "dumb" are all bad words, worthy of punishment.

*Most of them still "make-believe" play. I love when they dress up in costumes, pretend they are dogs, or that they are teachers at school or the mom and dad with their stuffed animals as children.

*They get excited for every weekend when they can sleep in sleeping bags all together downstairs.

*My almost 7 year old still LOVES tigers, lions, and leopards. She pretends she is one every day, ski-daddling around the house. Sooo precious! When she introduces herself, she says her full name: Elisabeth Rose Tigerdog Flynn.

Ashton mopping as his summer chore

Ashton making himself lunch

On another topic, Christian FINISHED his Eagle Project which was to make a bookshelf and collect funds to buy books for women and children at the domestic violence shelter in Kaysville. (Safe Harbor) I couldn't believe how generous people were! He collected around $1500 and was able to buy about 125 books! Way to go Christian! (And his parents)

This is right before he took all of the donations to the shelter
to drop off.

Gorgeous St. George and Back to School

2011-08-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Ashton and Elisabeth hugging before she left for school

Christian's 1st day of HIGH SCHOOL (holy cow!)

Elisabeth on the 1st day of 1st grade (or maybe 2nd grade)

Tigerdog being a tiger dog

Miss Madison's 1st day of Junior High

Hunter's 1st day of 5th grade

Ashton refused to smile for a picture after Elisabeth left

My family had a short, but extremely enjoyable trip to St. George this weekend. It was our yearly family reunion trip. Unfortunately, my sister Becky and her family couldn't make it. It was so fun to see my brother with his two girls being such an amazing father and my sister Kristen in her bikini and pregnant belly. And to top it off--we all got along!

Kolob Canyon

Cousins Ashton, Elisabeth, and Brooklyn

Samara, Krissy, and Me with Charlotte and B

He couldn't get enough of jumping off the diving board!

My brother with his two girls

Christian

I couldn't get enough of her precious body
jumping off the diving board! Sooo cute!

"Brinkman"

Robert and Christian at the top with Hunter coming up

Stevie

None of them wanted to go through Kolob Canyon--thus the fake smiles
and grouchy faces

You Know It's the End of Summer When . . .

2011-08-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

You know it's the end of summer when . . .

*You find yourself tiptoeing around the house when you realize that the two youngest kids are actually playing nicely in their rooms and you don't want them to remember that you are home because then they will need you for something.

*Your 6 year old wakes you up at 6:30am to ask what the day's exciting plans are and you feel a full blown panic attack coming on because you are plum out of energy, creativity, patience, and will power.

*Your feet stick to the kitchen floor with every step, your bathroom smells like the zoo, your sink smells like a rotting rag, the laundry is knee deep and you are so overwhelmed you opt to just do NONE of it. Afterall, it will still be waiting for you tomorrow.

*The sound of the word, "Mama" is not endearing, but sends chills of dread up your spine.

*You have 4 of the 5 kids in the bathroom while you are on the toilet or in the shower and you no longer care. They have finally taken your last ounce of dignity and stomped the crap out of it.

*The fighting of siblings starts first thing in the morning and lasts until bed time. Your solution is to yell at them to "Turn on the TV!" and "Don't look at each other, speak to each other, touch each other, or breathe on each other!"

*You desperately think of errands that may or may not be needing to be done just to get yourself out of the house.

*Your kids want to wear their pajamas all day and you're just glad they are wearing clothes.

*You realize, once again, that lowered expectations is the KEY to surviving the summer with kids.

*You find yourself locking yourself in your bedroom more and more, realizing that indeed, you are your own best friend. And that's okay!

*For your birthday, which is the last month of summer break, you give yourself the best gift: No chores for the kids for the day because of the amazing amount of energy it requires to endure the process of getting them to do them. Happy Freaking Birthday!

*You marvel at what tried and true friends your bed, computer, and handy lock on your door are. Hmmm. Not good--those are all inanimate objects. Not good.

*You daydream about how close everyone will all be once again after you are all separated for the day, everyday. Ahhhhh--those were the days . . .

*Cold cereal becomes the favorite dinner of both the kids and the mom.

*Your 4 year old wants to have a popsicle for breakfast and that doesn't sound like such a bad idea anymore.

How I love my 5 precious peanuts, but IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL TO START ALREADY!

books.

2011-08-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

I love books. Everything about them; the feel, the smell, the characters, the words. I love that the characters become my friends, people I can draw wisdom from, live vicariously through, and learn about different cultures than my own. I love the immense power that words have and the beauty of how a skilled author can string words together in a way I never would have thought to. One of my very favorite places on earth are book stores. The smell, oh the smell of new books and the grand appeal of disappearing into another person's life for a while. One thing about me is that I'm almost always reading 2-3 books at a time--I can't just read one. Another thing is that I wouldn't be caught dead at a church sponsored book club--I can't stand being around people that only want to read LDS fiction (my least favorite genre of book) or LDS non-fiction and are easily offended by ugly truth that may involve the occasional bad word or circumstance that they would rather just shut their eyes to. And with that, I will introduce you to this summer's reading:

"Sister of My Heart" by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
--A story of 2 girls from India who are not biological sisters, but have a bond stronger than even their mothers can comprehend. This book takes you through the hardships of their culture and their lives and how through it all, their love sustains them.

"East of Eden" by John Steinbeck
--Long, but richly developed characters written by a renowned author. This is the tale of the lives of two families and how they are intertwined through several generations. It also has a modern day Cain and Abel story line through it.

"The 19th Wife" by David Ebershoff
--Definitely not for the faint of heart, or anyone that has "issues" with polygamy. Although it contains some disturbing facts about early polygamy in the LDS church, I found that it sort of freed me from some of my bitterness regarding the early church because it clearly shows the evolution of our church in a way that I had never thought of before. It is based around one of Brigham Young's wives who was the only one of his wives to seek a divorce from him. She went on to lobby for the government to take a stand against polygamy, which they ultimately did. It also has a fiction story mixed in with it about a modern day "lost boy" who was thrown out of his polygamist family. Read at your own risk…

"The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls
--The memoir of a deeply dysfunctional family which shows the complexity of loyalty and pain that permeated the children's lives as they were forced to raise themselves.

"Half Broke Horses" by Jeannette Walls
--This is a true-life novel written by the same author as the above book and is the story of the adventurous and hard life of the author's grandmother who is a spirited, fiercely outspoken heroine.

"Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth
--This book leads with the premise that the way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. Your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation, and even God.

"Animal Farm" by George Orwell
--This book is an allegory written by a democratic socialist regarding his views on Communism, all told through a sort of parable about animals that take over a farm from their human owners.

Most of these books are about people with lives and/or cultures very different than my own. I immensely enjoy having my mind broadened by reading about the plights of people in different cultures.

Books I am reading next:

"The Old Man and the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway

"The True Believer" by Eric Hoffer

"State of Wonder" by Ann Patchett

"A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini

AND NOW FOR… The many faces of Ashton

Jazzy's tongue is out in every picture!

Soundbites and pictures

2011-08-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

*We watched the movie "Soul Surfer" together as a family which is an inspiring true story of a girl who loved to surf and then had her arm tragically bitten off by a shark. She comes back to win a national title in spite of her missing arm and at the end she says she wouldn't trade having her arm back for the experiences she learned. This is the pinnacle of the movie where most people would be tearing up, but Hunter pipes up, "I wouldn't want the experience! I would just want my arm back! Why would you want a stub?!" Lesson NOT learned.

*Doing the ULCER bike race with my Dad and sister Kristen. It was a gorgeous day and I greatly enjoyed their company. Upon passing a field with horses and a lone donkey, Kristen uses the opportunity to say, "That is a HUGE ass!" To which I added, "A HUGE, STINKY ass!" Hahaha! My poor Dad yells, "I can hear you two!" In our defense, it truly was a huge ass, in the biblical non-cussing sense of course.

Me before the race

*I told Ashton to go put on his sandals before going swimming to which he replied, "I'm just going to wear my toes today Mama." Sooo cute!

*Madison and Christian returned home from a 6 day trip with their Grandma and Grandpa Flynn to Washington DC. I was proud that they worked really hard to earn half the money needed to go on this trip! They were able to visit some Flynn cousins there, see many famous sites, and go to Six Flags. I really did miss them and was so happy to have them return!

Washington Monument

Names of those who died during the Holocaust
(Holocaust Museum)

The US Capitol

Lincoln Memorial

The White House

Christian took this of the White House. Isn't it beautiful?

Washington Monument

*I asked Elisabeth a question and she replied, "Yes, my love." Where did she get that?! Adorable.

*This summer Elisabeth and Ashton have really become close. They have played (and fought) all day together. Ashton has really matured over the last several months and has learned how to play well with others and that actions have consequences. These pictures were taken before church on Sunday.

This week, Robert, Christian, and Hunter are at Scout Camp. The house seems empty and I miss them. Worst of all, there is no cell reception where they are so I can't talk to any of them for a whole week!

What I Know For Sure

2011-07-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

Last night, Robert and I attended our 20 year high school reunion. (Robert and I met and started dating in high school) High school was hard for me, as it is for most people. My tumultuous teenage years were caused by a combination of low self-esteem, shyness, and having moved to Utah from Texas in the 9th grade and not really fitting in. Although I was never rebellious, the effects of these things still managed to manifest themselves in such ways as lonliness, depression, anxiety, and isolation. I thought that by attending my reunion, I would feel a tremendous sense of closure, having found self-esteem, accomplishment and purpose since then. But instead, I found myself transported back to those achingly lonely days where my "personal truth" that I have fought so hard to find was temporarily withdrawn and I was once again Sandy--awkward, big-haired, ironed and starched shirted, shy, lonely Sandy. Yes it is true that I found my Robert during those years and we had many fun and happy times together, but for anyone who knows how intensely profound a low self-concept can be on your spirit, you will understand how I still could not shake the incredible weight of lonliness I felt. I found myself overcome with emotion as we left the reunion, not knowing exactly why. Those feelings have remained and have permeated my entire Sunday as well. I have felt today like I have an emotional sunburn, where I am hyper-sensitive to things people say, when normally those types of things wouldn't affect me. But as the day has progressed, I have decided that the difference between that girl in high school, and the one I am now is that I refuse to give away my personal power to others. I will not allow other people to define who I am or how I feel about myself. I mourn for the experiences that I must have missed out on because of my shyness, and I wish I could go back and help the girl that I was then, but I can't go back. And for what it's worth, it has made me who I am today. I found this statement regarding personal truth: "Decide what your personal truth is. Every single one of us has one — something we believe about ourselves when nobody else is watching. Our personal truth is what we really say to ourselves when our social mask is off. Once you decide what your personal truth is, then you'll be less vulnerable to what others say. The stronger you feel about yourself and the more confidence you have, the more susceptibility to what others say will decline." True freedom to find who you are involves learning to control your thoughts because I truly believe that "as a man thinketh, so is he." So after my brief stint of sadness in remembering how I used to feel and think about myself, I have decided that enough is enough and I need to snap back into what I know my personal truth to be.

On the way up to the reunion at Snowbird, Robert and I talked about the need to live life without peripheral vision. What I mean by this is that when you are younger, there is the tendancy to look to your left and right to those around you for a means of comparison. When doing this, you either come out better than them, or with feelings of inadequecy, neither of which feel very good. What I have found that as you learn who you are and what your limits are, strengths, weaknesses, etc. you are better off not looking around at other people, but comparing yourself to the best YOU. Having a strong "personal truth" has allowed me to stop looking so close at what other mothers are or aren't doing, other women, or other LDS people. Of course I still fall into this trap once in a while, but ultimately I think we are here to be our best selves, not to compete with other people around us.

Below are some words of wisdom I came across while reading about personal truth:

What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. (This is my creed.)

You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.

Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)

What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

Every day brings a chance to start over. Thank goodness!

Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

"Trouble don't last always." (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)

Christian Van Gogh and other summer fun

2011-07-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

At the end of the school year, some of the students in Christian's advanced art class were able to display their art for a couple of weeks at a real art gallery. Here are some of my favorites of his work:

Pretty awesome, huh?

My sister Becky and her kids have been here for 3 weeks and my kids and her kids have been inseparable.

Hunter jumping on the trampoline

Miss M jumping on the trampoline--so graceful

All the Brinkman cousins

Ashton found a bird's nest

Talents

2011-07-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have never really enjoyed talent shows. There's always the person performing who, in their mind, is way more talented than they really are in reality. They are usually freakishly dramatic in their delivery and I feel awkward for them and am silently resentful that they are making me uncomfortable. Then there is the person who can't seem to get enough attention and is ALWAYS performing and they are never more inspired than when they hear themselves perform. Heck--they even choke themselves up sometimes. Then there are the people who have absolutely no performing talent whatsoever, but still attempt to come up with something they can do to at least be part of the so-called "talented" group. If it is a child, then it is endearing. But if it's an adult, I can't help but feel embarrassed for them because they don't have the sense to be embarrassed for themselves. The reason why talent shows have always been particularly irksome to me, is that there are so many people with talents that cannot easily be displayed and so they are rarely recognized. Talent shows are a microcosm of life, where outward talents that are easily seen are frequently given more praise, attention, and importance than those that are more subtle, but equally (if not more-so) impactful. This is not to say that those that can act, dance, sing, or play an instrument shouldn't be praised for their accomplishments or feel proud of what their hard work has produced, but in raising children, I have found that it is vital to recognize the talents of each child equally whether they be gifts of the spirit, mental gifts, emotional gifts, or those more easily seen.
     At the beginning of each family night, instead of sharing a talent, we ask each child to share an act of kindness or service that they have performed in the last week. This is my attempt to recognize that how we treat people is perhaps the greatest gift that a person could ever give. I have some children that excel academically. They are often praised by their peers, teachers, and school administrators for their abilities. Of course I am proud of them and every term, I tape each of their report cards to the refrigerator to display their hard work. But, I am also mindful of traits that my children possess that aren't as readily noticed such as Hunter's ability to quietly lead. He has an amazing magnetism that draws everyone he comes in contact with to him. They want to be with him and they want to be like him. I tell him what a gift this is, and that with his gift, comes great responsibility to be wise in his choices. Christian has a spiritual and emotional maturity that I have rarely seen in another human being. While his academic gifts will help him succeed in this world and bring him many accolades, his spiritual and emotional maturity will serve and bless others around him every day for the rest of his life. How I wish that THIS could be displayed at a "talent" show! Then there is Madison who is an intuitive, kind-hearted girl with an amazing sense of adventure. In a rare occurence, she was actually recognized as 1 of 6 students to have lunch with the Mayor because of her hard-working and kind nature. I was so incredibly proud that someone as deserving as her could be recognized for talents not as easily seen. Elisabeth astounds me with her artwork--her attention to detail is a sign that she sees what others do not. She has this ability to "see" in other ways as well. She amazes me with her questions, observations, and the answers she offers to my questions. She is mentally and spiritually astute. Wouldn't that be an epic idea? To have a talent show in which ALL talents were welcomed and praised? Each person could tell about their talent whether it be writing poetry, being an amazing friend, having tremendous faith, art, music, etc. Now THAT would be interesting.
     When I was growing up, I sometimes struggled with feeling "in the shadow" of my sister who had a beautiful singing voice and great acting ability. She was also much more exciting, interesting, vivacious, and out-going than I. But my parents regularly took quiet moments to remind me that they valued my obedience, my wisdom (as they saw it), perseverance, and steadfastness. How these words buoyed me up when my teenage self-esteem was everso fragile! In later years, I have been able to recognize and appreciate the talents of my sister with absolutely no feelings of jealousy or resentment. Both my sisters are blessed with a myriad of talents and abilities that I am not, but that I so greatly admire. I can recognize the beauty of my sisters' abilities, without it taking away from my own worth. Perhaps I can do this freely because I have learned the value of my own talents and abilities that have gotten me where I am today. Never would I trade my abilities for those of another. I admit to maybe wanting to add a talent or two in the next life, like being a dancer--being able to instinctively know how to move my body in a beautiful, graceful way. But, I would still never want to trade lives or talents with anyone. I hope that my children grow up knowing that I acknowledge and appreciate their diverse talents and that whether they are outwardly recognizable or not, they are gifts from God. And they are beautiful.

Oh Happy Day

2011-07-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

My youngest child is a HANDFUL! He is extremely strong willed, active, prone to bad moods and temper tantrums, opinionated and stubborn. But, he is also full of life and light and bursting with personality! He does things on his own terms and even though he is hard to parent, I can't help but find his opinionated, strong-willed nature very endearing as well. Typically, if he knows I want to take his picture, this will be reason enough for him to NOT want to comply, so the fact that he was cooperative yesterday when I wanted to take his picture was very unexpected. His personality is just BURSTING right out of him in these pictures. And as always, my children remind me to find the zest and joy in life.

16 years of learning

2011-07-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

I don't have a perfect marriage, but I have always been what I would consider very happily married. I genuinely love, am interested in, and am proud of Robert and I feel that directed towards me as well. I was pondering what strategies had brought me to this point and thought I would write them down. I believe a sound, healthy, and mutually fulfilling marriage is truly the best gift you can give your children.

*A good marriage is hard, conscientious, consistent work. There are some that think I just lucked into a good marriage which may be somewhat true, BUT we work at it! Sometimes things just flow and are easy, and other times it takes massive amounts of self-control, endurance, and prayer. It is waking up every morning and asking yourself "What can I do today to make my spouse's life better?" There are many I have observed that get married and think that they have "arrived" and now that person has to be with them the rest of their lives without much effort on their part. It's not that they consciously think "I have my spouse, and now I'm done trying", but this is what their actions show. I find this particularly true in temple marriages that end in divorce; you must nourish a marriage everyday like you would a plant. When I think of people that are happily married, I can think of very few because my definition of "happily married" involves people not just simply enduring each other, but enjoying each other--and that takes effort.

*Learn to overlook frailties. I once watched a documentary on people whose spouses had cancer and what they had learned from that experience. The thing that stuck out most in my mind was to accept/overlook your spouse's weaknesses. Believe me, when life is stressful I know how easy it is to get ticked off by the small things. But those things just aren't worth stewing over and hopefully, if you overlook your spouse's frailties, they will learn to overlook yours. It is my experience that most mature adults already know the things they need to improve upon and having another person standing over them treating them like a child, reminding them of all of their failings never helps improve a relationship. If anything, this can cause a relationship to evolve into a parent-child dynamic.

*Allow your spouse to have a "bad day." There are days where everything seems to go wrong and this can end up putting you in a bad mood--it happens to everyone. For me, nothing diffuses a bad day better than Robert understanding, not judging, and wanting to help make it better. The last thing you need when you are having a difficult day is your spouse yelling at you for being grouchy!

*Learn how to show love to your spouse in the way that they specifically want to receive love. I learned this one early on. I am a very verbal person who likes to receive positive verbal reinforcement often. When Robert and I were first married, we assumed that the other person liked to have love shown to them in the same way that we did. So I would constantly tell Robert how wonderful he was, etc, and he would feel uncomfortable and I would then wonder why he didn't tell me things he liked about me more often. When we finally figured out that we both wished to have love communicated in different ways, we were much better off.

*Learn how to argue constructively. It’s how – not whether – you argue that determines your marriage’s likelihood for long-term survival. In college, I learned about an American psychologist named John Gottman, who after spending almost two decades studying couples’ interactions, could tell with up to 95% accuracy which couples were heading towards relationship breakdown and which were likely to stay together, simply by listening to the first five minutes of a contentious discussion.

Gottman highlights four relationship-rotting factors that he rather dramatically calls the ‘Four Riders of the Apocalypse’. They are:

1. Contempt: Displayed by face pulling, cursing at and insulting your partner, and basically acting as if you are revolted. Gottman and his researchers found that the relationship’s days were very likely to be numbered if contempt was a regular feature of the initial phase of a disagreement. Women who showed contempt whilst their husband talked were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

2. Defensiveness: “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pick on me! What’s your problem?!”

Being overly defensive is another major predictor of future relationship breakdown. If one partner begins yelling as soon as the other broaches a subject and behaves as though they’re being threatened or attacked, and this is a continuing and repeated feature of the couple’s interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being defensive prevents communication and severs intimacy.

3. Don’t criticize, do compliment: Critical partners risk irreparable damage to their relationship. This doesn’t mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a simple complaint is much less damaging than criticism.

Criticism attacks the whole person, their core identity (even if that wasn’t your intent); a complaint is instead directed at an isolated behavior. For example: “You are so lazy!” implies they are always like that and it’s a fundamental part of their identity. Whereas “I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That’s not like you!” is time-limited and more specific.

Some people believe they are trying to ‘improve’ their spouse by constantly pointing out their faults. Even if the intention is good, the consequences are not. Public criticism is humiliating (for both partners), but saying nice things when in company is a wonderful thing to do.

4. Withdrawal or ‘stonewalling’: Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when your partner complains is another huge breakdown predictor. Men are more likely to stonewall, while their wives were generally more critical. Male biology is less able to cope with strong emotion, so men may instinctively use stonewalling in an attempt to avoid entering arguments.

The partner may ‘switch off’ to withdraw during conversations or ultimately ‘escape’ by spending more and more time away from the relationship. The danger lies in the stonewalling pattern becoming permanent and that partner using this strategy to isolate themselves from potentially positive parts of the relationship. Everyone needs space, but never responding to emotional issues leaves the other partner out in the cold.

*Good communication skills. I found these tips to remind me of how to communicate effectively with Robert.

Listen, Understand, Affirm

One very important aspect of clear communication is to validate what the other partner is saying. It is important to do this before pushing ideas back. It demonstrates love and acceptance for the other spouse and a respect for the other's concerns. I can't tell you how many times Robert has diffused my angst by listening and understanding why I feel a certain way. He has never made me feel shameful or guilty for expressing a feeling, no matter how extreme it may be. This has definitely built a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy between us.

Accept the emotion

In dealing with difficult family issues, there is often intense emotion involved around problems and crisis situations. Allow for the emotions of the other spouse. Don't take outbursts personally or try to suppress them. Don't condemn, but continue working through the issues.

Don't jump to conclusions. One spouse may have a tendency to try and fix problems. The spouse who has the problem or issue is usually not looking for a quick fix but just to have their concerns validated.

Honesty

When problems do occur, feelings should be shared. Honesty can be difficult. The importance of communication in marriage can not be understated. Communication barriers come from all angles. A spouse may not share their heart for fear of rejection or just wanting to divert or suppress the pain of conflict.

The bottling up of percieved problems and emotions is not healthy for either party. Both spouses need to be able to share their feelings. Sharing issues can be humbling and risky. A partner could be hurt and won't admit it out of fear of appearing weak or vulnerable. The silent treatment sometimes follows.

This downward spiral can happen over time. It can also happen quickly with an inappropriate comments, sour facial expressions, negative nonverbal gestures. Honesty needs to be sprinkled with gentleness and patience.

It takes practice

Poor interaction between spouses is a draining process that can strain any marriage relationship. Regardless of how long a couple has been married, there are times when partners still miscommunicate and hurt each other. Without question, there is always room for growth. It is never too late to improve.

*Time together. Through the years, we have always made time for long walks together, date nights, and long talks. I believe that by far, the best gift that you can give your kids is a joyful, stable, and well-functioning relationship. If you think you can fake it and that your kids won't notice, you're wrong. Tension, resentment, and unhappiness is always sensed by the children and will affect them one way or another.

*Express your gratitude to your spouse often. When we had just Christian, we decided to do a gratitude journal about things we were thankful for in the other person. Every day, we would try to be attentive and observant to the things the other person was doing so that we could write it in our journals. At the end of the year, we were able to read what each other had written and it was very enlightening and incredibly touching. We haven't done this since then, but I know how good it feels to realize that your spouse is mindful of what you do for him/her and the family.

I am definitely not saying I live all of these skills everyday, but I TRY REALLY HARD to think of Robert's needs on a daily basis, and he does this for me as well. I LOVE to be with him and I profoundly admire him in many ways. Hopefully someday when I go back and get my Master's Degree I can live my dream of doing marriage counseling and pass on all of the wonderful things I have learned from being married for 16 very fulfilling years!

Busy busy busy

2011-07-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July weekend was fun PACKED. We went to the Kaysville Parade, to a swim party and bbq at our friends' house, another get together later that evening at another friend's house and then fireworks with friends and family in our cul-de-sac. It was extra fun (and crazy) because my sister Becky and her kids came into town.

C, M, H and cousin Britton (Becky's oldest)--notice Hunter's bangs
that sister Madison "kindly" cut for him

Ashton had so much fun squirting unsuspecting
people

My mom, my sister Becky and me

M and Britton

Miss E

Throw me some candy!!

We got this huge blow up waterslide that the kids
played on ALL day.

Elisabeth lost her two front teeth! (With a little help from our
friendly neighborhood dentist)

Me and Robert before going to the temple with my family

The Gray

2011-07-02T07:57:00.003-07:00

I read this quote recently and it added meaning to my thoughts on the need and benefit for opposition in society.

"One of the lessons that emerges quite clearly from the Book of Mormon is that we don’t thrive as individuals, but as societies. There is no such thing in the Book of Mormon as a righteous, prosperous individual surrounded by the poor. The blessings of well-being and prosperity are bestowed upon groups and communities, and not upon individuals. Our well-being as individuals depends, more than anything else, upon being part of a society where people recognize their dependence upon one another, esteem their neighbors as themselves and where people try to extend their blessings to others among whom they live . . . Being part of Zion means recognizing the people who live downstream as brothers and sisters, and taking due regard for them as well as nature."

There are certain extreme factions of society that we, as LDS people, generally steer clear from: Animal activists, environmentalists, gay rights activists, feminists, those who are drastic in their views of what is "politically correct", atheists, and liberals. I for one, tend to stay away from extreme views on any topic, but have grown lately in my appreciation for the purposes which opposing views serve. I think it is the nature of humankind to see the world through our own individual colored lenses, when in fact if we were born into different circumstances, our views would be greatly altered. I am always conscious of this when I come in contact with a person that I disagree with. Take the feminist movement for example. If it weren't for Elizabeth Cady Stanton and 100 other brave men and women who drafted the Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions for the women's rights convention in 1848, demanding equality with men before the law, where would we be today? She and her supporters were considered extremists in her day, as are feminists in our day.

How about environmentalists? Would any of us be at all conscious of conserving energy and natural resources if it weren't for the environmentalists who raised concerns about the future of the Earth? Whether you agree with them or not, it just makes sense to use and re-use, to conserve energy, and use things that aren't harmful to the Earth, doesn't it? And while I continue to drive my huge SUV and live in a large home (both of which I enjoy), I also recycle plastic, paper, and glass and am vigilant about turning off lights when I leave a room. Sometimes I even buy organic food and use cleaning supplies void of harsh chemicals--all because of "those environmental extremists" who brought their concerns into my consciousness.

I am also very thankful for those "politically correct" people who remind me to think of others' sensitivities when they suggest better ways of expressing ourselves in a more sensitive, informed way. Examples of language commonly referred to as "politically correct" include:

--"Mentally challenged" in place of "Retard" and other terms

--"African American" in place of "Black," "Negro"

--"Native American" in place of "Indian"

--"Gender-neutral" terms such as "firefighter" in place of "fireman"

--The use of the word "gender" instead of the word "sex" to distinguish males and females

--Terms relating to disability, such as "visually challenged" or "hearing impaired" in place of "blind" or "deaf and dumb"

Can you believe that within my lifetime, it was once completely acceptable to refer to someone as "deaf and DUMB"?! And while I don't fully understand why certain terms would be offensive to some, I do admit that people who continually refer to all people as "man" or "he", get under my skin sometimes. Because of this, I try to use politically correct terms when referring to other people. I realize that sometimes these individuals are overly sensitive and ridiculous in their complaints, but they definitely raise awareness in other people with a different race, history, or experience than our own.

I would even go as far as to say that I believe that if the opinions of all of these types of activists were taken in stride, meaning carefully weighed, pondered and applied in a balanced way, it would promote us to understand and love our neighbor to a greater degree, which as the Apostle John declared “that he who loveth God love his brother also,” and added, “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar” (1 Jn. 4:21, 20). Love of God and neighbor must therefore be inseparably connected. The quandary is, as I see it, that life isn't all black and white. It is most often varying shades of gray. We want to be able to say this person or group is wholly bad, possesing no redeeming qualities, and therefore we reject everything they say or stand for. It would be nice if it were that easy, wouldn't it?

In my opinion, there is not enough separation in the "society" of our church between the sin and the sinner or the person and their opinion. Everyone has a story which we can learn from, even the worst and most plagued individual among us. I am thankful for the lessons to be learned from the outliers in society. And while I do not condone their actions which are considered "sinful", I just don't see a person as all corrupt or all honorable. So I will continue to discern for myself between the good and bad in every person, taking the good into my own life with considerable appreciation.

The Park, Park City, and the Cabin

2011-06-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend was full of adventures. Friday we went to the park and had a picnic. That night we drove to our condo in Park City where we enjoyed night swimming. In the morning, we got up and drove to our cabin in the Uinta Mountains to help with cutting down some trees and making some repairs from the long winter. The extra snow left the rivers overflowing and the mountains lush. That evening, we drove back to our condo and went swimming and out to dinner. Sunday we spent the day in nature enjoying the 75 degree weather and calm breeze. There really is nothing more spiritual for me than being in nature. What a wonderful weekend with family!

Me and E at the park

Love her green eyes and freckles

Cute sisters

She doesn't like having her picture taken, but boy is she photogenic!

At the cabin for the day--SPECTACULAR.

My precious peanuts

Aspen glow

Friends--for now

Summer snow

My dear, dear Dad

My favorite mountain with the river fuller than
I've ever seen it

Christian chillin'

Just Perfect

I could so easily live in a house like this.

Park City was in full bloom everywhere!

Saw these old cars and had to take a picture

Simpler times

Picket fences make me happy

Wouldn't you love to know the history of this house?

And this one?

What could be more American than this? Love it.

E. wanted me to take a picture of these heart flowers

Downtown Park City--looks like San Francisco, huh?

Jazzy thoroughly enjoyed herself

Main Street Park City store front

Climbing old trees

Let's Cut Each Other Some Slack

2011-06-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

Our lesson in Relief Society yesterday centered on the eternal family, the forces that were trying to tear the family unit down, and the things we were trying to do in our individual homes to fortify our families against this. Of course it made me reflect on the things they I do in my family that are contributing to making us stronger, and the ways in which I could improve. The hard thing about being a mother, is that whatever you are doing right, it never seems like enough--you always feel like you should be doing more and be doing better. It's also very hard in this day and age to gauge each moral issue and decide where you stand and what you will teach your children because there are so many diverse opinions. Among LDS society, I tend to fall somewhere in the middle in my views because while I don't agree with the world's perspective of life, I often think LDS people take things to extremes and then impose their stringent views on everyone around them and I don't want to be like that either. It becomes very difficult though when you hear of other people's views that are stricter than your own, because then you begin second guessing yourself wondering if your kids would be better off if you adopted a more rigorous view on things. It also doesn't help when people sometimes present their personal opinions as doctrine, when in fact it is not.

For example, I have made it very clear to my girls that they are not allowed (as much as I could enforce this) to get married before they are 21, that they should live away from home for a couple of years before they are married, and that they should seek an education. As a matter of fact, one of them asked me recently if you had to have a "degree" to be a mom and I said "Yes you do." There are some that say that marriage as a priority should come first, above education and seeking an identity. I don't agree, simply because of the growth I gained, living away at college from the ages of 18-21. Some would think this to be a "worldly" view and one that should be altered to be in alignment with church leaders. I don't know. However, if other people around me were to marry younger than 21 and not get a college degree, this would not bother me and would not lessen my view of them.

Here's another example. Our stake recently made a push for the young women to not wear skirts above the knee with leggings underneath. I find this to be completely absurd and will not impose this rule on my daughter. On the other hand, I don't want my girls wearing bikinis, short shorts, or even tank tops, although I don't think that people that do allow their girls to wear these things are in any way less than myself. I don't see anything wrong with wearing fairly "fitted" clothing and absolutely DO NOT believe the girls to be the "gatekeeper" of a young man's virtue. In my view, a female should be able to stay mostly contemporary in her dress and not constantly thinking of how a boy may view her apparel. Am I worldly in my opinion on this?

Politics. How I wish it wouldn't be intertwined with religion, but it is. The thing is, I consider myself a very conservative person but because my views don't fall exactly down Republican lines (or Democrat for that matter), I think some may view me as a liberal person. I like to listen to what everyone has to say, combine it with their background which perhaps contributed to their stance, and then decide for myself what I believe. If this makes me liberal, then so be it.

Is there room for acceptance in our church if a couple only wants one or two children, or if the mother wants to work full or part time? Is that bad? Or worldly? What about if the husband wants to be a stay at home Dad while the wife works to support the family? I just can't believe there is a "one size fits all" way of living. How could there be when every person is so different and their circumstances so diverse? In my humble opinion, there are MANY ways to live a righteous life and if you are in tune with Heavenly Father and with yourself, you can find what's right for YOU.

Where am I trying to go with this? Hmmm. I guess that there definitely exists a Mormon culture which should be independent of the actual religion, but is not. Especially for mothers, there's a lot of comparing and judging among us because when almost your entire neighborhood is LDS, sometimes you know too much about each other and so comparing is easy to do. This leads to the temptation to assume everyone should think like you do and have the same guidelines as you do in raising their children. I certainly hope that people can see that I am trying my DARNDEST to raise my children well, and refrain from judging me, and I hope that I too can be a supporter of those around me--someone who assumes most mothers are trying their best as well.